A Smile A Day

   Hello, everyone!

   Laughter is said to be the best medicine, right? Well, usually it is. Eh, who am I kidding? It is. Laughing or smiling always helps me to feel better, no matter what.
   I saw something where smiling actually releases chemicals that makes your mood lift. Or something like that. Seriously though, it's true! Several times in the past during my bad moods, a friend will randomly smile at me or something and I'll fake one, but it'll make me feel way better.
   Every day, just smile at least once. Laugh anything. You can cry, too. That's okay. Enjoy the small things in life at least once a day, even if there are tears in your eyes.
   If that doesn't work, talk to someone you trust. Maybe they can help, or I can too. Email form is on the side bar.
   Just make a promise, maybe not for me or anyone else. Make a promise to yourself. Smile once a day. Just once. Promise. :)

-Kayla

Appearances (pt 2)

   Hey, everybody! Since I rambled on so much yesterday, I thought it best to divide this in two. If you missed yesterday's, go check it out!

   Now, I started to get on this point, but don't think I quite got there. Yesterday I talked about what we wear and how that effects how people see us. I also mentioned that how attractive we are is also another deciding factor on others' view of us. That's what prompted today's idea.
   Here's the thing, as I said before, I don't completely trust attractive people. Don't get me wrong, some of my friends are very good looking, probably even in that category.

   Still, it doesn't matter if you're beautiful on the outside and nasty on the inside. It kind of cancels it out. I remember re-watching the first Princess Diaries movie with a friend and she mentioned how even as a kid, most young girls would fall for that popular teenage boy in the movie. I was actually surprised and said that I didn't have that happen to me. I didn't realize he was attractive on the outside until recent years because for so many I thought he was ugly because of the way he portrayed himself. He wasn't very nice, so that's what I always thought.
   I'll notice this now in re-reading books, re-watching movies, or going over old memories in my head. If anyone, real life or not, acted badly toward anyone else, I would instantly dislike them. Didn't matter how they looked or dressed. They were nasty acting, to me they were nasty looking.
   Contradicting that, I still believe everyone is beautiful. In that I mean everyone has a little bit of goodness in them. Even the meanest people have kindness buried in them. Sometimes you just have to look a little bit deeper. It's still there though.

   I always do my best to be a good person. Sometimes I slip up and it hurts the other person as much as it hurts me. I hate getting angry for any reason and I despise what I do to others in that anger. Do they deserve it sometimes? Maybe. Doesn't make it any better, though.
   How do others see me? Not really sure. I hope as a nice person and a good friend. I've mentioned before that Carmen called me a true friend, but that didn't turn out so well in the end. Still, recently I was told I am "short but sassy and about to take over the world" (thanks, Violet!). Plus a few other things I've been told about myself, I think I like being myself.
   Doesn't matter how you look or dress. As long as you're yourself and can help others discover who they truly are as well, it's going to be a wonderful world. So let's go make it one. :)

-Kayla

Appearances (pt 1)

   Hey, everyone. You've probably noticed the new page called "My Story" and the fact that there's not much inside of it yet. I'll update it when I feel ready to share the whole story with all of you.

   Now, to today's topic. How you see a person is mostly based on their appearance right? They could be pretty or ugly or hot or nerdy or goth or any other generalized description. Why do we do that? I'm seriously wondering. Why does it matter what a person looks like on the outside?
   I mean sure, we wouldn't want people walking around naked, cause that's a little bit gross (though with today's society, it's pretty much encouraged now). And you always want to look nice for a job interview or a date.
   But on the everyday things we wear, why? I've been trying to figure that out since several years back. Two girls that I knew fairly well, one was more my friend than the other, were talking but stopped as I came up. I don't remember what I slightly overheard exactly, but I sort of remember hearing my name mentioned and something about what I wore. Now, since that was the first time I saw them that day, I knew that it couldn't have been about my current appearance, but about something else. I was guessing probably my overall way to dress.
   Honestly, my motto is just to wear whatever makes me comfortable. This doesn't mean shirts that cover half my body, or shorts that may as well be underwear, or tight jeans/pants, or anything like that. It means soft pants that are mostly loose, t-shirts or sweaters, or anything else like that corresponding with however dressy I need to be. I have a few pieces of 'stiffer' clothing for formal occasions, which I hate wearing even then. I'm not comfortable in them. I don't wear anything outlandish, though I don't always care if it matches or not.
   I still wonder what's wrong with my appearance to others, though. That wasn't the first time something like that had happened and it hasn't been the last. I'll entertain the thought for a while, but then roll my eyes and smile, because I'm comfy, so why bother what others think?

   I have caught myself judging others though. Maybe not on what they wear (unless it's totally revealing, boy or girl, then I'll look away), but on how attractive they may be. But that's probably my subconscious being bothered.
   See, any time I'd loose a friend, it'd be because they'd start hanging around another, more 'attractive' person. Didn't matter if it was a hot guy or gorgeous girl. Sadly, I'm actually not exaggerating here with my observations. Sometimes the friend would be attractive themselves and that would add to my fear.
   I think that's the only reason I might be becoming a bit more vain (which is a lot for me, because I really don't care). Well, that and if I develop a short time crush. Hopefully, the fear goes away again. Until then, I'll continue to be myself! Hmm, I think I've figured out my topic for tomorrow. See you then!

-Kayla

Thoughts in my Head

   Hey Everyone!

   Well, yesterday was interesting. All perky in the morning, but then something happened and I went downhill in the afternoon. Dunno what happened! Suddenly I was imagining meetings with Carmen and those were awful. Plus that nasty voice in my head decided to pitch in as well. Least it's gone today and I don't plan on it coming back. :P
   You wanna know what I love? Getting super long emails from my friends when I wake up in the morning, especially after a bad night. Now, that's a bit contrary for me to say, since I hate not getting answers as soon as possible when I'm in a bad mood. But see, that's the thing. It doesn't matter when I get the email. Not really. Because I love just getting them. I think that the only reason it bothers me so much then is because I want to get out of the bad spell ASAP. Plus, that nasty voice is a big pain in the butt.
   Still, after last night, I liked getting emails from my friends. One replied right after and this morning I got two super long emails from another. Getting messages from both was super great. Writing the emails in the first place helped a good deal, then getting the emails were even better!

   Now, to get to what I actually wanted to talk about. With those emails, I realized the best message. It's pretty similar to what Dare to Believe, Belief is Powerful, Going Against the Grain, and a few other entries I've written.
   That voice last night tried to degrade who I was as a person. Who I really am. Who I'm proud to be. So in the email I wrote, I fought back. Maybe not as well as I wanted to, because I couldn't remember the right words. But here's what my friend Violet helped to remind me.

   I'm quirky, I'm small, I'm weird, and that's okay. I am who I am. No one can replace who I am. If I'm not good enough for someone else, that's their loss. And I'm good enough for my friends, weirdness and all.
   I may not be super-model gorgeous. I may not fit in the social grain. I may not be 'normal'. But who cares? I'm decently smart, intelligent in more things than I'd first think of. I'm skilled in a fair amount of things. Maybe I'm not perfect, but I'm fantastic as I am. That's why I hate my bad spells and my friends do, too. Because that's not me. It's that nasty little voice taking over.

   And, of course, I've got a great song to go with today. Well, there's a ton of my favorite songs I could choose for today, but I decided with a recent favorite. Course, disclaimer: I don't it or the copy-write, all that. Now, this is from Wicked, that Broadway musical. Idina Menzel sings in this (she was Elsa's voice in Frozen).
   I love this play actually because of my favorite trilogy 'The School for Good and Evil'. The author mentioned that it was partial inspiration for him like some other things for the series. I'd heard of Wicked before, managed to find the whole show somehow, and then watched it. Like 'The School for Good and Evil' became one of my favorite series, this became one of my favorite songs, mostly for the same reason (won't tell you what reason, make your own opinions first!). Check out both the books and this song!

-Kayla

Movie Messages

   Hey, everyone.

   Have you ever watched a movie, not really knowing what it's about, but curiosity pulls you along? Or maybe it's a movie that a friend suggested. Still, some of those movies, they inadvertently become something meaningful. There are at least three from the past year that have done that to me. Some you might know. The movies are: Good Will Hunting, Nowhere Safe, and Inside Out.
   Good Will Hunting was suggested to me by a friend. It took me months until I finally decided to watch it the other day. It's an older movie, around two hours long. Parts of it, mega spoilers so I won't say which ones, will induce tears. It just hit a part of me, that even if I didn't know exactly what happened through experience, I could relate to the pain. If I hadn't thought that someone was going to come into my room at the moment, I would have cried so much. That scene has something inside that I needed to learn myself because, well, I won't tell you. The scene and movie speaks for itself.
   Nowhere Safe is a movie I stumbled across last summer when I was finding random Hallmark movies on YouTube (I was really bored and needed something happy to distract me). I saw this movie and was startled. I didn't cry, no. But even if I didn't face the same hardships, I wanted what the girl has in the end. Confidence to overcome some hard challenge. Watching it again today, I could relate more and now I want it even more. Because standing up for yourself is one of the best things to learn how to do.
   Inside Out. Oh, boy. I watched that in theaters when it came out last year. I cried so many times, though I've developed a habit of choking back my tears so I can watch the movie and not miss anything, at least the first time. I've yet to see it in its entirety for a second time, though I have it on dvd finally. If you haven't seen it yet, go do it. After thinking about it, that movie is a lot like how depression is for me. Or maybe it's the social anxiety part. But it has a lot of great lessons to learn.

   What movies mean a lot to you? There are more movies that mean a lot to me (like How To Train Your Dragon 1+2) which I didn't mention here. At least, not yet.
   But what sparks your interest? What makes you feel something? And maybe you don't know why you react that way. But your subconscious does. Books, songs, and movies help me figure out why my reactions are what they are.
   How about you?

-Kayla

Behind the Screen

   Hello, everyone! :)

   Yesterday turned more down than I meant it to. Turns out I was heading into a bad spell like how I described. Didn't get to figure out that one, but I woke up feeling a ton better. But here's an interesting thought.
   Everyone always says, especially to kids just starting on social media and such to be careful who you message to. And I agree, you should be. But that doesn't mean everyone on the internet is a stalker intending to hurt you (just some of them).
   I'm always asked why I spend so much time on the computer. Why don't I go outside? Why don't I socialize more? Well, as much as I actually do enjoy those things, finding and doing things like these are why I like my computer: (I give full credit to everyone who contributed to this post I found through Pinterest.)

   See, not everyone is bad, just like in real life. Often, people will be more themselves online. It's like hiding behind a mask at a masquerade or Mardi Gras. It's an opportunity to become who you really are. But does that mean people also take advantage of that naivete? Yeah. Cyber-bullies and stalkers mostly are what we hear about.
   Sometimes it's hard to figure out what people are acting like on the other side of the screen. We can misinterpret emotions, even with emojis. And then there are those like the girl in this post. I've done that before, more than once. Now, though, I'll admit it later when it gets worse or I'll try and put in subtle clues because I'm still scared.
   This is why I created this blog, though. Give someone a person they can count on. Someone to relate to. It's really hard to find someone like that sometimes. I hope I'm helping one of you. :)

-Kayla

Feelings Overload

   Hey, everyone! I've updated the sidebar, so check out the changes. I apologize in case I don't meet my 8pm deadline because my brain probably kept going. I also warn you that it probably gets emotional toward the end, as that's where my thoughts are going.

   Now, I think I've said before that my feelings can get out of control. Yesterday, I talked about how there were too many words in my head. It's the same with feelings.
   Feelings are so hard to control. Sometimes I'll be in a bad mood, but it'll take me hours or days to figure out why. There will be times where I'll forget how to be in a good mood. It's hard, sometimes, to separate my thoughts from reality.
   People think that I live in a fantasy land when I say that. I don't, unless that fantasy consists of arguing with former friends or thinking about nightmares where close friends or family die. It drags me down, and I can't do anything to stop it because at that point I'm stuck.
   So I go to my computer and contact my friends. I don't always tell them exactly what it is that's bothering me. I just want to see a reply, because that alone lifts my spirits. Even if it's just a simple what's the homework or asking some random question. I don't know why it makes me so happy.

   I'm getting better at catching those bad moments sooner, though. I'll think back through the day, stepping backward through my thoughts and memories until I find the general or specific moment I went downhill. Usually that helps.
   Sometimes though, I can still do that, but I'm already downhill. If I've got too many feelings built up, my natural response is to cry. Most others I know get angry or shut down. I run away and cry because, well, I'm not sure. I'm still wondering why.
   So I've got videos, movies, songs, to watch or listen to when I'm like that. Because sometimes you just need a nice cry to make you feel better. I have poems that remind me about Jade and pictures too. There's a scene from a tv show I've never watched, but saw a story on Pinterest on it. It reminds me about how I felt when my friends in the past left me, when Carmen hurt me, and how I felt each time.
I put my heart into each friendship, even slightly minor ones. It's because of who I am, I can't help it. Of course it hurts each time a friend leaves, especially forcefully. My heart breaks as much as the friendship meant to me. Kind of makes me scared of when I eventually have a boyfriend.

   I'm going to put that scene here. It's from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Course, I don't own it and all that copy-write stuff. But here's the story behind that scene that hits me right in the heart. Will was supposed to brush the situation off as if it was nothing, but since his father had left him, just like in the show, he couldn't. So the hug you see isn't just character to another character. It's from an actor to an actor, a friend to a friend.
   Hits me most when Will shouts "To Hell with him!" I can't stop crying and even just thinking about it makes me choke up with some tears in my eyes. Here's the video.

-Kayla

Words: More or Less

   Hi, everybody.

   So, do you ever have those moments when you're talking to someone, like a friend or acquaintance, and you want to have this huge conversation, but all you can say is 5% of what's in your head? Maybe it's cause I'm a writer, but I often feel like I have too many words in my head.
   Funny thing is, there are days where I don't want to say anything at all. I say that I want a "quiet day". Well, I've only had one, which lasted for half of the day. And that was yesterday. Though I've wanted to have several, because I knew I'd feel better. Which did end up happening. Still, I don't want to have them that often.

   Maybe the thing is that I don't want to relive those days. The days when I had no choice but to stay silent because no one stayed around long enough to listen. Now that I do, with people who actually care about me to talk with, I can't seem to stay quiet.
   I've told more secrets to my current friends than I ever had before. With anyone. It's hard, because sometimes I feel like it's a mistake. That's probably why I'd get so mad at Carmen nowadays. I trusted her with my bad memories. She pushed them off as nothing, even saying that I'd never opened up before. Huh, think I've gone on that rant before here.

   Anyway, that's one of the things that I've been bothered about when I talk. I've been told a few times that I repeat myself. One person finds it quite annoying and says that a lot. It bothers me, because I now notice every time I do.
   Still, I also notice that when I repeat myself, I add on the words that I didn't get to say before. Course, some of those other words aren't there, but at least more of the message comes out.

   So, if I often repeat a topic of a blog entry previously seen, just read it over, cause it's probably as different as it's the same. Now, another song to share. Disclaimer: I don't own the copy-write, duh! This is Words by Hawk Nelson, which summaries a good deal of what I also believe about words. Enjoy!

-Kayla

Memorable Friend

   Greetings, readers!

   What do you do when you want to follow your heart? Well, I'd do it, about 75% of the time. The other 25% of the time, there are good reasons not to. Primary reason: someone could get hurt.
   There used to be a way that I could figure out the right way to go. All I had to do was talk to my best friend at the time: Jade. She was my anchor, my confident, and... my cat.

   Now, I know some people could find that crazy. I mean, what kind of little girl talks to cats without being crazy? Let me assure you, I am completely crazy! Jade, at the time, was the only one I could talk to.
   She'd just purr, no judgement, no getting mad, she never ignored me. She was a fraidy-cat, but she'd seek me out when I was upset. I'd cry into her fur and she wouldn't care it I got her wet. Honestly, at such a young age, she was a gift from heaven.
   When she died, I was devastated. I don't think I showed it outwardly, at least, not as much as I felt it inside. I remember one time wondering what I was going to do without her. Who could ever replace her? Well, no one could, but I had some friends again, more real than before.
   Years later, I have closer friends than I did then, plus two cats who love me as much as she did. Seriously, I started this and they both walked up to me to see how I was doing. Those three friends I've mentioned remind me of Jade every day because of how they've helped me through my depression and social anxiety.

   Back to my original question, I'm still not sure what do do about that. My friends are pretty good at calming me down about those situations. I mean, it could cause hurting someone, others or myself or both. Jade always helped, like they do. It'll be okay, eventually.
   Who helps you in your tough decisions? Who's your conscience when yours is blinded?

-Kayla

Belief is Powerful

   Hello everyone!

   So, the past few days, I've brought up the topic of bullying. Here, I'll talk about what I think about bullying.

   Honestly, I don't understand it. Kids putting others down to feel good about themselves, giving themselves a moment of power. But how long does it last? Seriously, I want to know. Because it just seems to be a circle of misery. Bullies have followers who could just as easily bring them down with the same tactics. And that's what often happens.

   People often separate these situations into two groups: Bullies and Victims. And it makes sense, if you're just looking at it. Then when you think about it, those are just generalizations. I've been a Victim, which hurt a lot and for a long time. But I felt worse for the Bullies.

   As far as I could tell, they didn't have many real friends, or many people that actually care about them. Gossip could be turned against the bullies as easily as they turned it against others. And I've seen that happen to some people. I want to help, so many times, but I don't know how. Maybe it's easier for me behind the computer, where I can type up my thoughts, without worrying what others might say to interrupt me. It doesn't help them, though, when it really should be a helping hand.

   Belief, though. That's powerful. I talked about it in some other entries (Dare to Believe was one). We can believe lies told about us and what we tell others. Others can hear us and believe what we say. It's a circle, but we choose which kind. I want to choose good.

   It's hard though. Really hard. Especially when you've been hurt so bad and you can't think of anything else. It hurts others and it hurts yourself. I'm always trying to stay true to my conscience. It's not easy, when you want to take the nice smooth path rather than that difficult one full of obstacles. But which is better: knowing how to walk the easy road or the hard one? An easy road is easy, yeah. Then again, how much do you learn? On the hard path, you try, you fail, then eventually you succeed. More often than not, you come out stronger than before.

   Why do so many people take the easy road? When it comes to bullying, the easy thing to do would be to laugh along, maybe become more 'popular' that way. The harder thing to do is to step away, not encourage it, but not do anything else either. The hardest thing to do is stand up for others, or yourself.

   Which seems more worth it?

   I've got another clip for you to go with this entry. It's from the 1995 version of "A Little Princess" (no, I don't own the copy-write, and all that stuff). I love the book and I love this movie version. Book and movie aren't completely the same, but this belief holds in both. Towards the end-ish, but I don't think I'd call it a spoiler. Still, watch the movie if you enjoy this!

-Kayla

Thinking Things

   Hellooo Everyone!

   So, today was a thinking day. It was mostly just doing work that was kind of routine work. Which for me meant a lot of thinking.
   Yesterday, that video got me thinking about bullying. Weird timing, because the whole Carmen story came back into my life not too long after I posted that. Anyway, I won't get into that now.

   Still, bullying is a problem. It starts and extends in different forms, including things like cyber-bullying. There's the name calling, usually the most used form and varies greatly. And then there are the other forms. Silent treatment, turning others against a person for personal gain, things like those.
   I'm often afraid of my actions leading to turning others against those who've wronged me, like in a bad way. I certainly don't try to do it on purpose. Most of the time when I say something hurtful, it's because my emotions get in the way. That's not an excuse, or a very good reason, but I am human.
   Maybe that doesn't make sense. It kind of does to me. I don't want those girls to lose friends because of what I say, no matter what they've done. Sure, I don't want others to be hurt like I did, but it's still wrong to hurt them. You know?

   Still, my social anxiety was (I believe) caused by former friends essentially giving me the silent treatment. They slowly pushed me out, especially as we got older. Somehow I was still in denial when one used the words "I just like to talk to other peeps more."
   But you see where that all came from and led to? After I realized, it crashed my confidence. Took me several years to finally realize that people actually liked to have me around. Which is why I never want to see that happen to anyone else. Not my friends, not my family, not even the girls who hurt me. Especially being hurt by bullying.

   If you're being bullied, tell someone. Parent, teacher, friend, sibling, doesn't matter. As long as you know that the person will trust you, they should be able to help you. I'm here too, if you really don't trust anyone around you. There's an email form on the side bar (you can use a fake name, I'm pretty sure). Just find someone.
   Here's a clip for another part of that episode, and I really love this part as much as the other one. Again, I don't own Girl Meets World and all that.
    Before I end, remember, find someone to trust. Find people like those in this group of friends. And never let them go, cause they'll never leave you (and, someday, they might need you, too).

-Kayla

Messages Become One

   Hello, everyone!

   So, today was interesting. There was a priest and he spoke to us today about what we may be doing in the future. He'd come and talked about vocations and things of that nature before. (Vocations are what we're called to do.) Normally I'll just listen and think about what he said later. Today, though, he said something interesting.
   Most people think or say that we'll be called to do something that plays to our strengths. Now, whatever happens, we're always led to something we love. But, sometimes we could be called to do something using our weaknesses. And that struck me.

   I've always wanted to make a difference in the world. Through the years, I've changed my mind several times on what to do in the future. But my intent is always to effect someone's life, to touch their heart and to help them in any way I can.
   Speakers that always effect me are those who've overcome hardship. Reggie Dabbs, who I've mentioned in a past blog, and Nick Vujicic are two I listen to and read about. Look them up and see if they effect you as well.

   I want to do what they do. Change lives. Bring some hope back in the world. They embrace their flaws, their differences, themselves, and others.
   Maybe I'll be called to be a public speaker like them, even though I'm not very great at that. But one way to help others is to meet them halfway. Risk yourself to help others. I do that every day on this blog. I'm always cautious, especially on how much I share.
   But I love to do this anyway. I know, someone, somewhere, will read these words and find hope. How do I know? No idea. It's more of a hope I have, but I believe it will happen.
   Everyone deserves to have hope. Everyone needs a helping hand at some point. I don't care how strong you are. Having someone to be your friend, especially when you're suddenly fighting a battle no one knows about, just finding someone to help you up.

   I don't know how many of you have seen this show on Disney Channel called Girl Meets World. Honestly, it's the best tv show for teens I've seen on tv in a while that actually addresses in their episodes real issues that should be helped. This is a clip from an episode addressing cyber-bullying. It's not the ending, but it does end some-what happily. (Disclaimer: I don't own this.)
   Anyway, I'm bringing this up because this demonstrates, to me, what a friend should be like. And I have three, like I've said. My task for you is to find a friend like Maya or Riley. Don't lose them, whatever you do. Cause someday they'll need you too, or they'll repay you for what you do.

-Kayla

True Friend

   Hello, everyone! Time to keep my promise from yesterday. Today's early because I have a feeling that I'll be busy in the evening.

   Now, before Carmen made her choice, she used to answer my bad spell emails with the same sort of answer, even when we didn't completely know about the depression or the rest yet. She'd encourage me, talking about how she or anyone else never leave and that she'd never let a true friend like me get away from her. Pardon me from still being a bit bitter from that promise being broken.
   Still, it's made me wonder what a true friend is. These are the qualities I'd always thought of (not in any particular order):
   1) Loyalty
   2) Love (I'm thinking platonic)
   3) Laughter
   4) Good communication
   5) Understanding
   And other things like those.

   But it was me called a true friend, though I don't think it was just Carmen to call me such. Still, I got to thinking. If I portray a true friend to others, then what do I do to make others feel that I am? Now, hopefully my friends read this and can tell me if this new list is correct or if I'm missing anything. Because this is mostly honest guessing!
   If I'm a true friend, it's an awful lot like being a mom. This is what I do:
   1) Each time they achieve something, I puff up like a big mama bird with pride.
   2) Their pain is my own and I do my best to help in what way I know best.
   3) Sometimes I have to stand back and watch them grow up.
   4) I remember small things about them rather than the big things that everyone else does.
   5) Watching them leave is going to be the hardest thing I'll ever do.

   Now that's just a shortened list for now, but has some of the more important aspects of what I do to be a friend. What is a true friend to you? What do you do to be a true friend yourself?

-Kayla

Through the Night

   Hey everyone, welcome.

   Being perfectly honest, I was planning on writing another awesome post like the last few days. Then I saw the above picture on Pinterest during my daily Pinning. I have no idea where the picture originated, but I've been in that position. There are still days where I will be in that position.

   Nights are the hardest for me. If I'm not tired enough or way too tired, then my thoughts will turn that way. Sure, it's not as bad now, but I still have vivid and recent memories of just crying, asking if for just a little while that it would all just go away. Nights that seemed to go on for hours, knowing I'd have to fake it in the morning and not wanting to.
   I'm always scared of something. Typically it's of my friends, through no fault of their own. I'm scared of one day not being able to trust them anymore. I'm scared of them leaving or betraying me, which I'm 105% positive (now) that they wouldn't do. But the fear is always there. For some reason, I can't shake it when the lights go out.
   Now when I have these nights, I ask why. Why do I still cry? I mean, it should all be gone now right? It's been months since Carmen back-stabbed me and left. I've made peace of a ton of things, before and after that day. Why do I still cry?

   I think it's because in a short amount of time, the probability of seeing my friends will go down dramatically. It'll be harder for me to contact them when I miss them. I don't really want the day to come when I'll wake up and suddenly realize that they're gone.
   Change is scary. A lot scary. And I know it'll be alright in the end. But that's in the end. Right now, it's hard. There's a storm coming. I'll make it through, but I'm scared of what (or who) I'll lose on the way.

   Sorry, I promise tomorrow will be a bit more lighthearted. Even in a bad mood, I still love writing here and it keeps my morale up. :)

-Kayla

Going Against the Grain

   Hello and welcome everyone!

   So, yesterday I talked about how I'm always trying to be different from everyone else. Today, I definitely did that.

   Now everyone's heard 'Let it Go' from Frozen, even if you haven't seen the movie. But, how many people actually listen to the lyrics? How many people sit down and think about what it means to them, personally? Probably not many. I did that today (more analyzing songs and poems) and I'd like to share what it means to me. I've put the song at the end, courtesy of YouTube (thanking Disney here).

   Now, just to say, I'd brought this in years ago for the same purpose. Amazing how much my views stayed the same and are also so different! (Plus, I liked Frozen before it was 'cool'.)

   The first part reminds me about my depression. I feel isolated, like I'm the only one who knows what's happened and happening. It swirls inside me and I can't get it out. I felt like I had to keep it from people, my friends and family. I couldn't let them know how I felt, just hide it away under a smile.

   While I kept my depression in, everything else stayed in, too. My anxiety built up, joining in to torment me. My opinions ceased to be heard, my stories untold, and questions unasked. Soon, I barely spoke to anyone outside of the house (or even inside). This was for many years.

   The first chorus shows me how I started to become myself again. A bit careful, but growing stronger. Not completely confident yet, but I started remembering that even while I kept things in, I really didn't care about what others thought. So when I changed the crowd around me, that's when everything started.

   2nd part: I'm still testing out who I am. I'm growing up, making mistakes, changing with hard choices. And I'm not as afraid anymore. Because I know who I am, and I know I'll always be who I truly am on the inside. My self-made prison walls are gone!

   2nd chorus: I've always wanted to fly, so I do. I'm soaring through my imagination and memories, writing stories and this blog. My friends have won't see me cry in pain, because I've hidden it, but I'd never cry for becoming who I am now.

   Bridge: I use my experiences to help others. I use my pain to know what joy is. I hit the bottom and am rising up. I can't be that quiet girl scared in the corner anymore. I'm gonna be me now.

   Last part: I'm not what those who used to know me remember. I'm not that contained, always agreeing girl anymore. I'm not their 'perfect' friend. I'm flawed, I'm make mistakes. But I'm going to rise above anything thrown at me, cause I've got a storm behind me. So I know I can walk through this one.

   So bring it on! Cause being different is my strongest weapon. And I can wield it like a pro.

   How about all of you? What does this song, or another, mean to you?

-Kayla

Dare to Believe

Welcome and glad to see you!

   Have you ever believed in something? Even for a second? Well, everyone has. Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, and so many others. Then others believe in God, and other sources of faith.

   Wanna know what I believe in? Magic.

   I was watching Once Upon a Time last night for the two hour season finale. I won't give any spoilers, but watching the show each time reminds me of why it was created. It wasn't created to give entertainment in the way a comedy or reality show does. It was created to bring back hope, bring a little magic into the world and people's lives. That's what I love about it (and I'll admit, Captain Swan as well). Anyway, last night's finale definitely reminded me of that.

   So, why do I believe in magic? I mean, I believe in God, so isn't that a bit contrary? Well, I don't think so.

   I believe in the magic of making people smile. Making people laugh. Making people believe in something. Making them believe in themselves. I believe in the magic of hope. The magic of miracles. The magic of new beginnings.

   My friends and others know that I'm extremely true to myself. I've even been told that I'm one of the least fake people that they know (not bragging, it was actually a pleasant surprise). I'm not a normal girl, nor do I want to be.

   I want to be daring. Daring to be who I am in this world. Daring to be something different, to bring back something no one remembers or to create something no one's ever thought of before.

   That's what I want to be. How about you? What do you believe in? Who do you want to be?

-Kayla

Life isn't Fair

   Welcome, everyone, and Welcome Back!

   Now, the title of today's entry probably doesn't make sense in the least, especially with this blog. Typically when one hears that line, it's in a very derogatory and usually in an upsetting situation. And no one seems to explain why life is that way. It's like someone asking: "If God is so good and merciful, why does he let bad things happen?"
   Well, through my experiences, even in a short amount of time, I think I know a good meaning for it. Maybe I won't be following the faith by some of my explanations, but this is how I understand my personal faith.

   Life isn't fair. It hurts and is painful. We cry, we scream. People we love come and go. Friends leave and can sometimes hurt us in the process. Others will talk behind your back, keep secrets from you that maybe you should know. There is death and suffering. There are storms and chances not taken. People like you and me are left broken in a cruel world that could often care less.
   Who would care? Why would we? What keeps us holding on?

   I know. Bad things happen to highlight the good things. Opposites exist so we can tell a difference between things. Good vs Evil. Happy vs. Sad. That's what we know. That's what we remember.

   That is why we love:
   Rainbows and the rain that brought them.
   Sunsets after a long hard day.
   Sunrises after the dark night.
   The moon and stars.
   A summer's day.
   The sparkling snow or the snowfall.
   The friends/memories that make us laugh after we cry.
   The hugs on a bad day.
   We know and we remember.

   We can be broken. We can hit rock bottom, thinking there's no return. But when you hit rock bottom, when you break so much, that's when you find a solid point to rebuild.
   One of my favorite quotes (found on Pinterest) is: "Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass." -Anon Chekhov
   I love it because that's what I want to do. Yes, I want to smile, I want to bring light to the world. But how do you show the light to a person consumed by darkness? How do you mend a person broken?
   You share your experiences. You show hope through your own broken pieces. You remember and shine through, making something even more beautiful. You bring back hope.

-Kayla

Invisible

   Hey, everyone. I added a contact form to the sidebar to keep my word from what I said yesterday.

   Well, today's topic, I don't have advice for yet. I'm working on it, but my purpose for now is to make others know that their not alone in this invisible feeling.
   So, for me, the invisible feeling is when I'm talking or standing next to people and then they don't seem to notice. Even my friends sometimes do it, but they usually notice a few minutes after, so it's fine. Still, a good deal of the time (from the past and occasional present) it feels like this quote:
   "I listened to them, smiled. nodded. Agreed. Understood. Comforted. But when I opened my mouth to speak. Nobody listened but the silence. For now I have learned that people expect to be listened to, yet they refuse to listen themselves." -(a.b)
   I found this last night and thought, well, that sums it up. I've been having pretty much these exact thoughts. But sometimes it's hard to get used to. I mean, I'm pretty sure that's how I got my social anxiety (one cause is being ignored/neglected by peers).

   So, what do you do? Well, my approach could be wrong. Now, my past experiences consisted of talking, being ignored, then if I kept talking I'd then be looked at as if with three heads and ignored right after. Because of that, I now tend to just drift off to silence.
   The problem is that I'll have a mixture of reactions to doing that. I'll be bothered at myself for doing it, not blaming the others. I could be bothered by the others, but either understand why or get annoyed at them. It's just hard sometimes.
   Part of the time, I want to be heard and to be listened to. So it gets annoying sometimes when those moments happen and no one hears. Or sometimes I'll just be standing there and no one seems to notice me right there.
   It's gotten better. So it's not that bad anymore. Still, to make sure no one else feels like me, I do my best to provide a listening ear to others. And it works. I like making someone feel listened to, especially when I don't feel listened to myself.
   And now what I'm working on is letting others know that I'm willing to listen to their problems. After months of loading off my problems onto others, I want to provide the help that my friends gave to me. It's even harder when they know it and are reluctant to tell me, though I definitely understand that. It's not easy.

   Still, does anyone else know what to do in these situations? Does anyone have anything to tell themselves or to do?

-Kayla

Just A Word

   Hi, everyone! Welcome and Welcome Back!

   Yesterday I talked about a bad spell I had two days ago. Today is going to be about some things that I've read/heard about others who have depression.
   Now, I don't know if I've said this yet, but I have never purposefully cut myself or injured myself in another way to make my mental pain go away. For me, the idea freaks me out. I'm scared if I ever try it, it'd go too far. That, and I can't stand the sight of my own blood because it makes me feel sick. I have scars on the inside, which hurt no doubt as much as those who have scars both on the inside and out. Today, though I do not have personal experience, I'd like to address those warriors who have battle scars.
   The stories I've read and heard are so touching. The ones about those who've gone through with suicide break my heart because I know the mental aspect of what they went through. And the families they've left behind twist my heartstrings more. They're left behind, hoping the one gone is in a better place, as I do.
   Then there are the self-harm stories. I'm not talking about the ones who talk about doing it. I'm talking about the stories where someone asks them to stop. I don't know these people personally and if they ever run across this blog, I hope it's okay that I've pasted the images of their stories here.





   Another story I've heard by Reggie Dabbs. He's an amazing speaker and I've heard him twice live, along with having one of his books. His story makes me cry and I love his speeches. The part I'm thinking of is at part 29:23 on the video I'll put at the end of this. Watch the whole video if you're curious about Reggie and want to hear the whole story. I'll do a blog entry on his poem at some point. Back to my main subject.

   Guys, if you ever see another warrior out there or suspect it, then give them a hug like those in these stories. If you suspect it, or know it, but they don't have scars, hug them anyway. Or if they don't like hugs, just stay with them if you know they're upset.
   Sometimes all a person needs is a kind word, a friendly smile, a warm hug, or a caring voice to tell them "I care." And if any of you are reading this and you think you're alone, you're not. I'll be here for you. Just contact me, I think the info's provided.
   But you're going to be okay. The journey's hard and it sucks a lot. When it's done you're going to be stronger, even if that's impossible right now.

   And if you're hurting right now, physically harming yourself, please, I beg you, stop. Because someday you're going to be an example to someone. Someone's going to say "You're the reason I didn't give up." And it'll all have been worth it to stay.
   So, please, stay.

-Kayla

Fighter Reminder

   Hello everyone! Welcome and also Welcome Back.

   Bad spells seriously stink. I had another last night, managing to get angry at my friends. Honestly, the thought of leaving so soon is probably the problem. Just thinking of missing them, not seeing or being able to contact them for a long time in the future scares me so much.

   After we leave, it's going to be hard. I owe so much to them for the short time I've known about my depression and social anxiety. Leaving them so soon, especially when I'm finally really getting better, I'm afraid of getting worse again.

   Which is probably why I snapped. None of them were answering my messages and in my mad state, I didn't care if they were busy, I just got mad. I just wrote a short message, as at that point even my thoughts had gone to nothing. After I'd turned everything off, I wanted to say sorry, but waited till the morning, as I was still in the bad spell.

   I'm not sure how many of you become angry at close friends or family when in a state such as that. But honestly, if you feel right to do so, I'd suggest saying sorry, especially if you mean it. They'll most likely forgive you. For me, that forgiveness reminds me however times I may screw up, I've still got them. And that has always meant the most to me.

   Remember who you trust. Remember who cares about you when you stop remembering how to care yourself. And remember who you are. Remember your core self.

   Doing all that is hard. Especially when you have to find who's safe to trust first. That took months for me and then getting stabbed in the back to know who wasn't holding the knife. In the end, it's totally worth it.

   Yeah, it's going to be difficult leaving my friends. When this whole mess started, I had a basis to draw from, people I knew relatively well already around me. Now I have to start again, in a group of practical strangers.

   I think it'll be okay. I mean, who knows? Maybe there'll be others like me in the same place. Maybe He'll guide me so I can help others, bring me to knew friends similar to the ones I have. Not to replace. No, never that. Just making the circle bigger.

   Keep an eye out, dear readers. You never know just how many other warriors need a hand out in this world.

-Kayla

Tell the Truth

   Hello and welcome! Check out the sidebar and anything else that catches your eye. Welcome back to anyone returning.

   Today was fun. Hanging out in the woods with my friends, though I ended up ahead of the group, listening to the noises of nature. While I loved all that and hope to do some walking again soon, that's actually not what I found most interesting today.
   There was some talk about trust and telling the truth. With this blog and being myself, being honest it something that I like to stand by. Even with my grudges against some others, I don't want to tell lies about them. Hence my acknowledging that my views of those who wronged me may be skewed.
   Still, I've never approved of rumors. Or bullying. Or lying. Lying is why I lost Carmen as a friend. I'd been opening up to her and Nora at the time more than I had to anyone else. Only those two at the time knew about my problems. As time went on, I admitted my fears, discovered the depression, and realized my social anxiety. As I figured that out, I shared what I could with them, too.
   Nora would help me when she could, but early on, neither of us knew how to help me. Carmen on the other hand, she'd give me great supporting friend messages, though they mirrored ones I'd write for her. Then things changed.
   Carmen went to another school, as I said. Gradually, she stopped keeping contact with me. Before she'd at least make an effort. Now it was mostly me. Emailing, messaging with Pinterest, texting if I could. The last time I saw her in person was shortly after school started. I won't go into all the details now of what'd happened, saving that for later.
   But in the last amount of time I had contact with her, I knew in the months coming up she'd changed. She might have care a little bit about Nora and myself, but I think it was disappearing fast. The lies are what made me leave.
   In our last conversation, she said that she'd never felt a real connection with me because I'd never stopped doing something else or opened up to her. Big slap in the face, right there. I have emails, texts, memories, and a whole ton of other things that disprove her statement. Later, when I said that I forgave her (sent a message through Abigail), she sent me an email further detaching herself from me and stating that she thought she didn't do anything wrong.

   I do have some resentment there, but I have more pity than that. She said I was one of the truest friends she knew. I'm sorry that she lost that, because I'd never give up on her, no matter how mad she made me. But she gave up on our friendship.
   Still, if she did come back, I probably wouldn't trust her again, but I still forgive her. And I'd still slap her if she dissed one of my other friends. I don't know. What do you all think? I'm going to lay out the whole story one of these days. Maybe during the summer. I don't know yet.
   What would you do? In my situation? Or in a similar one? I know that there's a way to do anonymous messaging, with an account here or not, I believe. Still, I'm curious as to what you all think.
   Until tomorrow!

-Kayla

Music as a Guide

   Hey! Check out the sidebar and welcome to my blog!

   Today, though there was a lot going on, was kind of uneventful. Well, I did get to hold a bunny who was the equivalent of a cloud (so cute!), so maybe not completely uneventful. Still, not much for me to think of the perfect blog entry.
   One thing I did start doing was begin writing more of a story I'd taken a break from a few months ago. I have to re-read it, but it brought back some new and old memories. I won't tell you the story (for when I eventually get published at some point), but I'll share a memory.

   I've always wanted the courage to sing. Just sing whenever I want without being self-conscious. Unfortunately, I don't have that courage like my friends do. They can sing fantastically and some can write their own songs along with that. I've gotten close to writing a decent song, but it falls apart close to the middle.
   People say that the music a person listens to or likes says a lot about the person. I most certainly agree. It's just something that's so true, it's close to common sense. Least, in my opinion it is.
   Still, it would be nice to sing whenever. I usually wait until I'm home alone, then turn up my iPod and sing to my heart's content. I'm decent at singing, I think, but I just don't like to in front of my family or those I don't know really well.
   Songs mean a lot to me, as I've said, so I would like to just sing out when I feel like it. Some I definitely do that for. I go to a Christian camp where we sing those songs a good deal of the time, which is fantastic. I don't even care who's looking at me or listening. I just sing and dance (another thing I don't do), having the time of my life.
   Here's one of the songs we sing that's my favorite. Just got it, so while I don't own the copy-write, I have it on my iPod. Love his songs! What are some of your favorite songs?

-Kayla

Holding On

   Hey, everyone! My usual welcome is now in the sidebar, so now everyone can see it! Well, in the web version you can. I'm still learning the technicalities of the mobile view.

   Now, there's been a lot of things going on. There was that bad spell on Saturday, along with just a whole ton of other things, like Mother's Day, which was pretty enjoyable. I thought I might make today a memory day, cause I've been having a lot of those today. And since I've also been doing a lot of songs recently here, I may as well share the memory involving one more.
   As you've probably gathered, songs mean just about as much as books do to me. They do tell a story most of the time and this one tells a very good one.

   I found this song on accident. It wasn't planned and I certainly wasn't paying attention. This was one of the days before I realized I had depression, though I suspected. I never even thought or knew about social anxiety until after this happened.
   That day, I was so sick of everything. I was upset because I didn't know what was going on. I was scared because Carmen was leaving (this was when she still cared) and I was afraid that one day I'd get the news that Nora would be leaving too.
   I started asking, what was the point in making friends if they just left anyway? What was the point, because I didn't mean enough for them to want to stay? I was easily forgotten. They'd leave and be happy, forgetting about little old me. I mean, it wasn't the first time or only time it'd ever happened. So, what was the point?
   That's what I thought. That was what I believed.

   Looking back, I know it was wrong. But I can still remember the hopelessness. As I typically did, I tried to distract myself listening to songs I loved and knew well to help. Nothing helped and I didn't feel like bothering anyone with another despairing email. Then I saw the song's icon and name on YouTube. Thinking, well, what the heck? So I clicked it.
   I didn't even hear the words all the way through the first time. The music video spoke for itself. I started crying and played it a second time for the words, bringing about another bout of tears. My family was home, it was the middle of the day, but I just sobbed.
   For the first time in a really long time, I felt hope again. I didn't get a voice in my head telling me anything. I just got a feeling. A feeling to just hold on, because something was coming. Someone was going to make everything alright again. So I held on. And they did. They came. And I'll never stop being grateful to them or Him.

   This is the video I saw. I still can't watch it without tearing up. Even writing this brought back those memories. I don't own the copy-write, but I have the song on my iPod after months of searching. I hope you like it.

-Kayla

Saying Goodbye?

   Happy Mother's Day everyone! Remind everyone and have a wonderful day!
   Now, new readers, please look at Introducing Me when you can and any other posts that catch your eye. Returning readers, always glad to have you back.

   Doing this so early in the morning means that I have to force myself not to write again until the afternoon. Then again, I have things to do before my show comes on tonight. But this is addressing some events of yesterday, primarily the evening.
   I had a bad spell. It was bound to happen, though it's been one of the first since I started this blog, which is impressive. Luckily, it wasn't as bad as others, but I still cried. It took an email to my friends to figure out why I was so upset and I just wrote out the answer by accident in the email.
   I've said before in my post called "Always Fighting" (formerly called "Remember"), that I'm going to have to say goodbye to them soon. Perhaps almost for good.

   Yesterday, I first thought it was because of some issues with my books. I want to bring several with me on my next big trip, but my mom's concerned about room. But I can't just choose. Like my faith and friends, my books are very precious to me. They've gotten me through these hard times. I read part of a book last night to get rid of the worst of my bad spell.
   One person asked if I'd already read them. When I said yes, she just said "Then why bring them?" Now, I didn't know her very well, so I didn't answer. I don't know you any well than her, but I will say here.
   Have you ever read a book, over and over, until you know the characters so well, they may as well be flesh and blood next to you? You can hear what they say before they say it? That's why I want to bring them.
   I love books I know so well because then I can ask for advice. You're probably thinking "Oh, that's ridiculous, it's just your imagination." Well, maybe it's not. Maybe it's my subconscious, using their voices to tell me what to do.
   Using that logic, book characters may as well be like my best friends. But no one is like my best friends. No one can make the memories we have. No one can talk to me like they do. No one can make me smile like they do, even when they aren't around. And I won't be making any more memories with them soon. We'll be on our separate paths, far away from each other.
   When I admitted this to one of my friends, she didn't think that there was anything we could do about it. I didn't want to say yes, because I don't believe it. I didn't want to say no, because any answer I'd give would maybe sound selfish or ridiculous. So I answered that I didn't know. Because I don't.

   So, readers, what do you think? Is there anything that helps you? A song? A movie? Maybe even a joke? Feel free to write in the comments or just think it over in your head.
   I don't own this song's copy-write or anything, but I thought I'd share. Not fantastic quality, but it's alright.

-Kayla

Normal (Not!)

   Hello! New readers, please proceed to Introducing Me (when you can). And returning readers, glad to see you again! Hope you've been fine. :)

   Now, after the last two entries, I honestly wasn't sure which idea to pick out of my head for this one. So we'll go with the basics of yours truly.

   I've already said most of the basics of my depression and social anxiety. But how about the basics of normal me. And normal me is not "normal".

   I'm not a girly-girl. I'm not a tom-boy, either. I'm more of a book nerd. Ask me any question, say, about Harry Potter or any of Rick Riordan's books. I'll have a several hour conversation about it. I also love movies (How to Train Your Dragon) and tv shows (Once Upon a Time, Doctor Who, Grimm, etc). I love writing as well.

   But my hobbies are just a part of me. I'm insecure at times, too. Well, makes sense with everything else I've said in the other entries. Still, my friends would be surprised if I admitted that sometimes: "I think I'm fat; I don't actually just wing my outfits; I'm very organized and hate going out of pattern; and other things." These aren't all the time though. Some of them are occasional thoughts that fly through my head. The pattern thing though is definitely a problem for me. If I don't follow a basic pattern, my whole day is out of whack. Luckily, it's not like "plan the whole day, details and all" and everything blows up if it's not followed. Nah, it's just knowing where I'm going next, mostly.

   Anyway, sometimes I'll get bothered at no answer to messages. You know, send a text/email/whatever and no answer, even if you know they've most likely seen it, and still no message? Yeah, that'll bother me.

   Still, I know about most of my flaws. And I admit them! That's actually a good thing. You know your flaws, you can improve yourself better. Bonus: any criticism concerning your flaws are more easily blown off that way. Because you're already immunizing yourself against it and your own criticism is often worse than theirs. So, in the end, you're often better off.

   Does it still hurt? Yeah. Is the immunization instant? Nope. Should it be? Well, no. When you get sick, you have to heal first. The more you get sick, the more you'll be better off later.

   It takes a long time to build confidence, especially if you don't have it in the first place. I don't mean get cocky or proud, because that can hurt others with your arrogance. You might not thinks so, but they do.

   So, I've got some hobbies and favorite pass times. I've got insecurities. I'm me. Sometimes I don't like me. But I always love me. Because I'm imperfect. Because I'm not normal. Because no one can be me. And I can't be anyone else. That's it. That's really all there is. I'm me.

   Final thing for today. Look at this quote from Doctor Who. And just think about it. See ya tomorrow!

"The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things. But vice versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant." -11th Doctor

-Kayla