Goodbye... For Now

Hey, everyone,

     So it's been nearly 2 years... whoops. I checked on this randomly, and I'm like, oh, I never actually made an official goodbye.
     Basically, buckle your seatbelts, it's gonna be a ride.

     With all this mess going on in the year 2020, I've had a lot of time for self-reflection. More than I usually do, that is. What I figured out a while back is that I think of myself as very self-centered, but also have put myself down a lot. Basically, because I can get so wrapped up in my own head, sometimes I think that I don't deserve the friends I've had or have. Which is easy to believe when I was living in an environment where not a lot of folks would acknowledge me, even if I was their friend. Heck, I almost got forgotten in places when I got distracted by some random thing.
     Now, I'm going to talk about senior year because that's the origin of this blog, and honestly, I've barely thought about it since my last post here. It's only come up recently more because, for some reason, I've been dreaming about my old friends, and strangely, the most common one is being talked behind my back again. Honestly, I couldn't give a crap about that now. People will believe what they want, and I'll keep being me.
    At the risk of sounding self-centered, I owe it to myself to let this rest. I'll leave the blog up, and maybe someday I'll write again. But here's my final thoughts as of now, to let this go.
    (Apologies if I repeat myself from past posts, I know I do that a lot.)

     My depression and anxiety kept me from speaking up about how I was actually feeling. This blog was one way I could vent and I changed names so that the general public wouldn't know the identities of anyone. Thing is, some friends knew the people behind the names and took offense to my fears and feelings that I had no outlet for, so I ended up apologizing for a lot, which, honestly, I don't think I should have. What should have happened is I should have been more honest about how I was feeling in the first place, instead of just ducking my head and trying not to offend people I cared so deeply about.

      This quote ("If someone tells you you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.") is something that's run through my head since senior year of high school. I was told by at least one of my former friends that they didn't hurt me. Which made no sense to me. Because I was hurting and it was their actions that caused it. So like, I was confused and heartbroken and scared because I didn't know if maybe I was just overreacting. Maybe I was like everyone said and too sensitive.

     I know now that I was both right and wrong. I was hurt and pushed to the side and taken for granted. The friends that were supposed to treat me right decided their version of right wasn't something I should have been hurt so deeply by. Honestly, to me, that just proves how little they knew me. I also never got an explanation or an answer for what happened. Part of me still wants something, anything to know why things happened the way they did. The hardest thing to accept is that things just happen. They don't always have a nice and easy explanation attached.
     But I was also wrong. I got mad and lashed out, pushing people away. In my depressed state and full of fear, I could no longer see the good in people I'd been friends with. Maybe I shouldn't have. Maybe I should have explained myself more, helped them to see how confused and lost I was. Maybe I should have been more open about how I saw patterns repeating themselves and that's when I finally drew the line.
     I never actually told one person the reason I left was because I knew that they'd talked bad about me again, but acted like I was still mad about senior year so that they could come forward with the new information themselves. Stupid, right? People can't read minds. But in the moment, it was another apology I never got.

     Now I've gone through college, somewhat. I've found out I'm ace and trans. I've gotten a better handle on my depression and anxiety. Mostly I can thank a lot of that to Felix and another of my best friends I met in college. They've stuck by me and I know I can depend on them, no matter how busy we are.
     True, I've got other friends. We chat every now and then, in some cases once a year because I've learned that while other friends are crappy at keeping contact, I'm not innocent of that either. So sometimes you have to be the one to reach out. Because not everyone has Felix's powers of knowing I want to talk and will randomly reach out of the blue.
     I've also learned how to let go of people that are bad for me. Another "friend" in college told me over text that he and other friends of mine made fun of me when I wasn't around. Then I let go of some more recently when they got all fussed I've been supporting the Black Lives Matter movement. In their defense, I don't think they know they're racist. Still, I dropped them anyway. People having rights, or the lack of them, because of something they cannot control isn't an opinion or an argument that we should be having.

     Wrapping this up, I just want to say, I don't hate the people I leave. Sure, I get really angry and pissed at first, but after a while, it aches. I still miss the people I left in high school. We went through a lot together and then... yeah. I don't hate them, I just know for my own peace of mind, I can't trust them how I used to.
     But now I also can't see them graduate college. Now I can't hear about their lives and be so proud of them and their accomplishments. Back in high school graduation, I smiled and clapped the hardest for my friends because we did it. And I was so extremely proud of them, even as I thought my own accomplishments were lesser. I'm still so proud of them.
     Now that's gone. I can't tell them how I feel because I severed those ties.

     Part of me still thinks we'll see each other again someday. Mostly because I've found that's just how the world works. The one thing that's changed is I used to dread it. Or, I'll admit, because I wanted to be petty and be like, "See, I'm not the failure you predicted I'd be."
     But that doesn't matter to me. Not as much anymore, anyway. Now I kind of just want to see how things are going. Know that they're safe and happy and healthy.
     That's all I've ever wanted, really.

     In case you're wondering where the pettiness energy went, it's going into my books. And it's being translated into as many LGBT characters as I can possibly write. One of my old stories from senior year has gone from a hetero romance in the background to girl power lesbians. Because fight me, lol.
    Am I maybe overcompensating for not being able to express myself for most of my life...

     Seriously, though, jumping back. Any old friends who are reading this and I did you wrong without realizing, I'm truly sorry. I know how much it can hurt, and the last thing I'd wish on anyone is for them to go through what I did.

     Finally, I'll leave this blog with Thomas Sanders' song "Recipe for Me". I relate a lot to it and I know others do as well.
     Goodbye for now. I wish you all the best.

-Kay

PS: As of right now, the greater amount of folks I know don't know I'm trans, so that's still a thing I know the folks who know me reading this will respect. And that you very much for that. :)

Trapped in the Corner

Hey, everyone,

     So, the last post was really ranty. And I'm sorry about that, to everyone. Basically, when my fear and anxiety get a hold of me, it's really hard to shake. I mean, Violet can attest to that. We were talking about some stuff the other day and both had problems communicating to the point where we both were afraid we wrecked our friendship.
     When I get anxious or feel like I'm trapped in a corner, I lash out in some direction. Not always to harm or hurt. Just to get my words out because I feel like I can't do anything else. For example, I've been playing a game called Guild Wars 2 recently where I have to go on missions and fight things. With my character, I can do ranged attacks. Sadly built in with the mechanism, if you're too overzealous in your technic, you can draw unwanted attention by accidentally targetting more enemies automatically. The "unwanted attention" in this case was I managed to lash out and do the overall undesired action. Which was to hurt others. Both in my recent conversations with Violet and in my last post.

     That being said, everyone's probably sick of me talking about Carmen and Nora and I get it. Believe me, I want to stop too. It's not fair to them or me. All three of us are trying to move on with our lives without me dragging in what happened or anything after. But I'll say right now, it's not easy.
     All my life, a few people keep telling me I dwell on things too much (*cough* family *cough*). Then after that, I'm like, okay... So how do you want me to not? Because in their eyes if I talk about something they believe has already been "taken care of", then it's a moot point. Right? Wrong. If I'm still talking about it and getting emotional, there's something other than the already moved on aspects that are bothering me.
     The reason I'm bringing this up is that I'll talk with my therapist about Senior year as more of just an example now than an "I'm still bothered about what they did." And yeah, am I bothered about it still? Maybe? I don't know anymore, honestly. It's not about the people directly. Actually, it's really not about them specifically. It more has to do with the fact that it wasn't the first occurrence. It had happened once before to me years and years ago with an entirely different group of friends. So, of course, it would make a bigger impact on me the second time around.
     Senior year was already hard on me before the whole thing happened. Honestly, I feel like I'm the one at fault for the events to happen the way they did sometimes. I didn't know what was wrong with me. My depression and anxiety were getting worse and worse and I didn't feel like I had anyone to turn to. I cried almost every night trying to find some solace in feeling... something, anything. So I would lash out at people around me, my friends who I felt like they were the only people I could trust, in a kind of warped hope that they would notice and stop me. Of course it would backfire. Why wouldn't it? No one likes being lashed out at from something that they don't know what they did.
     In current anxiety terms, yeah, I still lash out at them. The old friends, I mean. Granted, I don't lash out as much at the new ones. Though I still do a little more than I should sometimes. But either way, most of the lashing is in my head because I know once the anxiety and cornered feelings are gone, that's not the "real me", in a sense. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone or make them uncomfortable. Heck, it's not even just the old friends, it's my family, too. I rarely said a word or gave a hint of how bad I was until these past few months, and yet I expected back then for them to notice and help me. Granted, there were many hints... Anyway, not the point, moving on. I'm not perfect in my approaches. So I shouldn't automatically expect everyone else to be. That's stupid. We're all human. And humans make mistakes. Duh.

     Anxiety, depression, ADHD, demisexual, bisexual, non-binary, and trust. All these words come up a lot in my blog, especially now. And that's because I've been looking back on my life and looking ahead. Mostly because of those last four. Being any part of the LGBT+ community is both liberating and terrifying. You're free because you finally know you're not going crazy and there's a whole community to support you, but then you're terrified because people you know, people you care about, may not accept you. And it calls into question more of who you can trust.
     Past experience tells me at some point, I'll be more over my anxieties and doubts about who I am, where I stand in life, and who's right there with me. That's what happened with the original case from many years ago. So I'm not dumb enough (right now) to say that there is a chance I'll be able to trust my old friends again. Even if it's not to the same degree as it used to be. If they were the first offense, it might be easier to trust more again. However, because someone else did the deed first, I'm more guarded. But that's not all a bad thing. It means I'm more guarded with others in my life, too. There are friends I dropped in college because I couldn't trust them with my mental illnesses, let alone my LBGT+ background. Guarded trust shouldn't mean you trust no one. It just means you should be more careful about how you go about doing things and who it's with.

     Anyway, I wanted to say sorry again to all my friends, old and new alike. Lashing out at you guys is just as hard on me as it is on you guys. And I probably beat at myself more than I should for it. But honestly, it's gotten a lot better. Anyone who's current with me in my life personally knows that and even those who don't hopefully know it as well to some degree.
     Either way, communication is the most important thing in any relationship. Friends, family, significant other, you name it. Heck, even during a school project. If no one talks, anyone having a problem never discussed may start to sit on it without realizing it. I can attest to that personally. (spoiler alert: it sucks)
     For me, personally, I really prefer a long chat with someone rather than five minutes small talk because, otherwise, I don't get all my words out right. Then anything that needs to be talked about is talked about rather than not even mentioned. Seriously, ask anyone who talks on the phone with me. I'll sound like a stiff robot if I know it's quick. But then you get me talking and I can't shut up. It's a thing. That goes to the other side, too. I like being able to hear everyone's side, but if the other side doesn't talk... Well, then I'm a sitting lump. Back when I was little, I think I made everyone else feel like a lump. With friends since then, I think those same people want me to go back into that locked box because they don't know what to do with me now that I have a voice and more expression to me. (*cough* family *cough* (Am I throwing too much shade with a dash of pettiness? Maybe. ~I really don't care.~)) I'll probably talk about that more in depth at some point, along with the many things I've been thinking about being non-binary.

     Now I'm gonna stop blathering on and leave a video here. It's more Thomas Sanders because he just came out with a new Cartoon Therapy video that's been in the works for weeks. I'm probably going to watch it again because it's really worth it. If you've got time, I encourage you to watch it, too.
     I'm also gonna add a song in case anyone wants a shorter thing or two things. I really love it a lot and hope someday to sing it with friends to inspire others.
     (I own nothing, all credits to the creators of the respectful things.)

-Kay
(PS I'm gonna start signing these more gender neutral-ish just to see how I feel about it; you know, they/them dealio)

A Moment to Vent and Breathe

Hey, everyone,

     Distractions happened again. Honestly, I have recently been considering taking meds for my ADHD, anxiety, and depression. Mostly because ADHD can only be helped so much with coping methods. I mean, especially since going to college I've noticed my ADHD getting worse as coping methods have slowly stopped working as well. Motivation only takes you so far and I've been lacking any lasting motivation for a while. Don't worry, I'm planning on going to a therapist at the same time. My family is actually taking steps for me to do so at home now.

     Anyway, for the main point of this post... I honestly don't know what to talk about really. So this might become more of a venting post. Lately, my past has been coming back. I guess it's bound to do so when summer comes around. The same thing has been happening since Junior year, when the whole mess of Senior year started. For anyone's reference, Senior year is when I started this blog and when everything happened to me that I mentioned in the "My Story" post.
     Recently, I unfriended both Nora and Carmen on FB. I'd actually found Carmen and sent a friend request to her, which she accepted, surprisingly. However, nothing really came of that afterward. But I digress. Ultimately, after a while and a lot of thinking, letting them both go was the right choice. And it's not for the thoughts or reasons I'd usually think.

     In the end, yes, I did let them go for my own mental health. Just seeing them appear on the active list on Messanger would cause me terrible bouts of anxiety. But, honestly, I let them go for other reasons. Carmen was simple. I knew she most likely would never come forward and talk to me unless I initiated it. Afterall, that's how it was when we were still friends.
     Nora on the other hand... She was different. We'd known each other for years. Honestly, that's probably the only reason I waited so long. I'd been wanting to do that for months now. Longer than that, really. But I couldn't because our families know each other. And from the reaction I got afterward (keep in mind, she still hasn't contacted me at all about it herself), I was right in my thinking. Members of my family don't get my reasons.
     From what I can gather, they believe me to be holding a grudge. That I can't let go and I've been dwelling on it. I don't understand that. Because I don't think they understand the whole story.

     Even before I found out that Carmen and Nora talked behind my back (twice), I was in a heavy depression. I looked to them for help as I cried almost every night, feeling like something was wrong with me. My family didn't even notice. Or if they did, it was brushed off because they didn't see all of it. I've been told I wear my emotions on my sleeve, but back then I was better at hiding things. Times when I did say something it was just brushed off with their saying "It's just life." and "It's normal to be stressed, you just need to learn to handle it better." Is it any wonder I don't trust them?
     [deep breath and exhale]
     Senior year still bothers me. Not because of what they did, really. That just made everything worse, like a catalyst. No, it bothers me a lot mostly because it seems "cursed" in a way. Like, I can't talk about it really with anyone anymore. I mean, I can, but I feel like they're brushing me off too or I haven't told them yet. And it hurts.

     It hurts knowing I have friends who I know I can trust now. Because I just can't. I can't because I don't know if they'll do the same thing. If they see the demons still lurking inside me, will they run, too? And if they don't... I still feel that way. I still feel like everyone's going to cast me aside at some point because friends just don't stick around me. There's always someone else, someone else to take my place. Even if they don't realize it.
     All of my friends tell me different, especially Felix. They do everything they can to convince me otherwise, but on my bad days... On the bad days, the feelings inside morph. They take the best feelings I have inside and try to twist them around, make me have doubts. And I hate it because I know they aren't true and yet I can't stop it from happening. I don't know how.

     What keeps me going is hope. Hope that tomorrow will be better because today might end well, but those bad feelings are like chains. Always weighing me down until I can cast some off in the night. True, some stay, but for a while it's bearable again.

    Sorry this post was so bogged down. I've been meaning to write, but lately everything I've written has a dark twist like this. Even my stories I write for fun. I'm thinking of journalling, but I'll have to find a way that isn't typing, but also can't be found by prying family members, innocent or no.
    Tomorrow is a new day. Maybe I can write a new better post then. But plans are also busy, so I'm not sure about that. Monday at least, I'll certainly try.

I'll be back soon,

-Kayla

A New Approach

Hello, everyone.

   So, I should probably admit, I didn't know how to continue here on this blog. Mostly because my life is significantly better than it's been since around a year ago when I first created this blog. Maybe I've said that before. How am I supposed to keep writing a blog about fighting depression and anxiety when most of that has gone away? Well, it's still there, but you know what I mean.
   But I've been told through a chain of friends that maybe I should try talking about how things have gotten better. That after all that fighting and hopelessness, there is a happy ending. How I became the person I've been searching for. A person who has gone through all those problems and made it through. Someone who's proof that happy endings do come.

   Life is not done for me yet. I doubt that I will never go through hard times again very much. There are such things as relapses and there are still stupid people out there who'll make you think you're crazy for having a mental illness or think you're just making things up.
   Still, I want to keep writing here. I want to keep fighting with memories like I created this blog for. Because every day we make up new memories, new moments that make life worth living.
   I watch the show Once Upon a Time and one quote concerning that rings a bell when I think about it:
   "Life is made up of moments. Good ones, bad ones, but they're all worth living. Look for the good moments between the bad ones." -Prince Charming/ David Nolan/ Josh Dallas (all credits go to the writers of OUaT)

   I'm making new memories, good ones that make the bad ones start to disappear. People that I used to be afraid of I can now start standing up to. Even Carmen has mostly gone out of my mind. I know I ranted a lot about her, another reason why I stopped writing for a while, to her  get out of my head.
   Anyway, I know more people, I have new friends with some of the old. People who actually understand, though also those who don't, but then I don't talk to them about this. Mostly because I know there's no use trying to convince a brick wall that they're in the wrong. They'll most likely learn on their own.

   This blog was made to create hope. So, why not start by proving that it exists?

-Kayla

My Story

   This has been a long time coming, both in posting and in telling this. This being my story.
   I'll start by saying that all the names here I use are fictional. This is to keep others mentioned here private and to protect my own privacy. I started out that way and will continue to do so. The story and people, however, are very much true and real.
   I'm still a Christian girl, that is very true. I do have depression and anxiety, though those have lessened considerably since my last post.

   I started this when I was in high school and into college. For my senior year, while most everyone else had a good time, mine was less. Though this was mostly in my own mind, as far as anyone else could see.
   The summer before was not great. I was losing a friend as she transferred schools and feared I may lose another as the summer wore on. This is when I finally realized and admitted I had depression and social anxiety.
   Things got better when we came back to school, as I still had a small support system and my other friend had not left. But then everything just started going downhill as the stress of getting ready for college set in.
   It was still relatively normal as we came into a new calendar year. Just as I started to get better again, finally being able to reach out to Carmen, the friend who'd left, everything collapsed.
   I got blown off time and again whenever I'd try to figure out when something was wrong with one of my friends who'd stayed. I won't say which, for privacy. I also got brushed aside when I'd try to contact Carmen sometimes. Nothing made sense to me and I didn't know what was going on.
   So, finally, I snapped. I confronted both friends when we were on break and told them to prove that I meant something to them or our friendship was over. That was when I found out from one that the two had talked behind my back on at least two occasions. She was very apologetic and I forgave her, of course. I did with Carmen as well, but that was not why our friendship shattered.
   I broke off my friendship with Carmen because I could see to her, I was just a cast-away friend. I didn't mean much to her in the first place, so I didn't expect that to change after I found out something like this. She even said that she didn't even care and told me not to contact her again.
   I did a few times, though. Not via phone as I had before. Once through another friend to tell her I forgave her. The reply to that wasn't the nicest, with Carmen saying that she felt she'd done nothing wrong and that we should just leave our friendship as a memory. Well, that's what I can remember of her emailed reply.

   That was what hurt the most. Having someone I'd confided in ripped away from me like that. It was like losing Jade, but worse. I knew I shouldn't have trusted Carmen from the start, but I did anyway because I was a kind person. I saw she needed some friends, so I reached out and became one. I proceeded to trust her with other memories that lead to my social anxiety, considering her to be one of my closest friends.
   How could it not feel like I was being stabbed in the chest when she told me that I'd never opened up to her?

   Whether she meant to or not, that was one of the big factors that came to my darkest day. When I was so tired and upset and hurt that I told myself that if I died then, no one would notice or care. The day when I wanted nothing more than to end my own life.
   I don't know completely how I snapped out of it, except something very personal that made me stronger in my faith. But I'm here now and that's why I started this blog.
   I wanted to do something, give hope for others so that maybe they would find something to hold onto in a dark day. Something where I would bring a little more light than dark in this broken world.

   I did reach out to Carmen again a week later, sending one last email to tell her exactly what I thought about hers. And I saw her in person some months later along with reaching out to her on FB after I found out she'd been bullied. I think I wrote about those last reach-outs in past posts.

   Since coming to college, I have had a few more days where I want to re-enact that day. Though the urge was less intense, it was still strong. So, I did start counseling and made a really great support group of my new friends, along with keeping some of the old. Near Christmas, someone jokingly asked if I'd ever wanted to kill myself, to which I gave a calm, but a bit short-tempered, retort continuing the topic that'd been going on before that. I had a near shut down after that, but I was able to talk to a friend through it. Maybe that's what made me snap out of it more, having someone there and not avoiding my fear of that day.
   I made a significant increase in getting better as we came into this new year. It's gotten to the point where I may even be ending counseling soon. I've had a rough couple of weeks recently, as that's when most of this story reached its year point. But I've had friends to help me through it and I'm stronger now in myself than I was then. And maybe some of it has to do with the fact I have my boyfriend now. :) (And no, this isn't the guy I was going on about. This one is very sweet and caring and I love him very much. He understands all of this, going through depression and anxiety himself, helping me though rough days as I help him through his. He's my best friend.)

   Which is why, I have to ask. Should I continue this blog? Come up with new entries every week and continue? Or should I just leave it up, not adding anymore?
   I don't get emails like I used to and not many comments either. Am I really helping or no?

   Please reply in some way. I keep everything anonymous and do my very best to never judge a soul. Have I helped in any way with this blog?

   I'll come back in a few days, checking my email and everything else until then. I'll decide then the fate of my blog. I'll also put my story on the My Story page for quick analysis.

   See you all in a few days.

-Kayla

First or Last

   Hey, everyone. I'm so sorry about not posting yesterday or the day before. I was finishing up the last bouts of a stomach bug and then time just escaping me when I just had so much to do. Seriously, don't hold off stuff to the last minute. Horrible idea.

   I was planning on writing a nice long post today, but I'm honestly not sure how long it'll be. My day's kinda been flopping around everywhere and the topic that I'm about to write about is something that's been bothering me for months. I still don't know the answer to it and most-likely won't until the issue has passed in a few weeks time.
   So, anyway, you know how in elementary school, they'll line you up in hopes to keep you in a nice straight order in hopes to get you to the next activity on time? Well, I always hated to be first in that line. Even if I knew what to do, I didn't like not being able to have at least one person ahead of me to help lead everyone else. Kind of strange, as I'm still like that in a large-ish group, but if it's just me or a few friends, I don't care. Back to the line, I hated being last as well. Until recently, I never really thought about why.
   I think both of those spots hold the same problem for me. Everyone's pushing me to do something. Either I'm being pushed to lead or pushed to keep up. And either spot is kind of lonely. No one ahead of you or everyone ahead of you.

   Sometimes I don't mind being first. Depending on what it is, I just want to get it over with. Last is tricky. Occasionally I like it because you can see what everyone else has done and now you're more confident in what you yourself will do. Right now, there's something coming up where I'm dreading being the last.
   More than anything, I wish my friends could be there. But seeing as they're the ones going ahead of me in this, they obviously can't be. Sometimes I don't mind. I can't wait to see how they'll do and I know that they'll probably be great. Somehow that confidence in myself wavers.
   I'm making some new friends, ones who seem just as obsessed as myself in common interests. Though, as I said in my last post, I'm great at making friends, but never really sure how long they'll stay.

   Somehow everything will work out in the end. Most of my nerves are already gone before I'm even close to taking the next huge step in my life. That's a really good sign.

   Song again! Don't own the rights, but I love this song. I think it's an original by the YouTuber who posted it. It's one of the happiest instrumental pieces I've ever heard. It brought my spirits up a lot last year after I stumbled across it. :D I think I'll start playing it more again.

-Kayla

Loner

   Hey, everyone. Sorry again about the posting. Yesterday was just plain painful (wisdom teeth are not wise in the slightest) and the day before, well, a ten-minute-intended nap turned into sleeping for several hours. Surprisingly, I still fell asleep for the night, 'cept for some nightmares.
   Anyway, this is some deep thinking I had last night. Since today's kinda busy, I'm using that idea to kinda cheat my way back into posting every day.

   I'm more of a loner than a social girl. No question about it. Do I like being lonely, though? No way. I love being invited over to friend's houses and spending time with them. It drains me sometimes, but I'd rather be doing that than doing nothing alone.
   Still, though, I feel like I've always been the odd-ball out. Not like the "class clown" or the bullied kid, though I've had my fair share of the silent treatment and mean comments whispered about behind me (though I only suspect rather than know for sure that they didn't become full-on rumors), along with weird looks when I'd try to join in something. Not the intrigued looks, like "Wow, you're interested in this? Cool!" More like "Um, what are you doing? Why are you even talking?"
   I ignore most of it. Always have. I remember a good deal of it, though. Heading all the way back to maybe 4 or even 3 years old. Even my teachers thought I was odd. Honestly, even now I don't know why they got so upset over something I didn't think was wrong. I mean, why can't a kid have their toy during nap-time if it helps them sleep?
   Getting it from my peers I think grated on me more. I could always reason out why the teachers did and said. Not really from the ones my age, or around my age. Like, what does anyone gain from purposely isolating someone, or dismissing someone for being themselves? Maybe that's the same thing. Either way, I just don't get it.

   Despite feeling left out of the social loop most of the time, I still managed to gain some amazing friends. Not all stayed for long. I think I've said this before. Some moved, to different houses and/or schools. Some just left me to go make new friends. The three I keep thanking on this blog are the friend's I've managed to have for the longest time period. And even that wasn't constant.
   Sometimes I feel I did what I hated my old "friends" for most. I used to hang out with Nora and Carmen a lot, even neglecting Violet for the longest time, not even meaning to. I didn't even realize that it was more than my usual until we started having long conversations after Carmen left. And, then there's Abigail, whom I've really just gotten to know more around when the whole social anxiety realization came about. Compared to my life span now, the amount of time that I've been friends with these three is small. Probably smaller than most friendships people have.

   I'm never afraid of making friends. I'm good at it, especially as the years have gone on. Made some connections between myself and others that stick enough to have a decent email flow.
   Keeping friends has always been an "if" to me. What if? What if? I like to make sure that they have their own freedom. Sure, I'll get a little jealous if they start talking about some other close friend, sharing fun experiences and deep thoughts. But I'll let it go. I like seeing and hearing the enjoyment emanating from them. That's definitely more important to me.

   I'm not perfect in friendships. Never really want to be. My flaws are as much a part of me as my friends and anyone I look up to have their own. It's what I like best about people. Shows they're human.
   But I'll always try to be loyal, show my friends in their best light (especially to themselves), listen when I need to, give advice if asked, and just be there for them.
   I hope that through what I've learned with my friends it'll help me keep my new ones. Not sure who those new ones are yet, but they're out there.

   And, when the time comes, we'll be ready.

-Kayla

Flip-flopped Thoughts

   Hey, everyone. I know I haven't been all there with the posts recently. Mostly in the fact that they aren't everyday anymore. I'm trying, I really am. Stupid stuff keeps coming up, like my computer overheating or suddenly having to go on a cleaning spree just to find one thing. Stuff like that.

   I just need a break. Not even really on one right now. Starting to type this at midnight because a pain in my arm is keeping me awake. I think I pulled a muscle earlier. Actually kind of difficult to type a little. I'll probably finish tomorrow at some point, publish it then.
   Seriously though, I'm on mental shutdown. I've had a ton of social interaction these past several weeks, different than the usual. See, I'm fine when it becomes a pattern, same stuff all the time. But if it's all sporadic and varying levels of comfort depending on the people I'm with, it gets exhausting. I've had from full weeks of interactions with different groups (people I do know and then others I didn't) to maybe one or two days where I didn't and had that for all the days around and between. Can you blame me for skipping out on one today (well, yesterday)?

    I'm so tired. Gonna save this for tomorrow. See ya in some hours. :)

    And I'm back. Better now than I was last night. One thing though, all that stuff is all still relevant. Still kind of bothersome to me, even if I don't say much about it.
    It's like when girls are in that cycle of the month. For some reason, anything brought up then is just under the category of "it doesn't matter" automatically. Doesn't matter if it's the same problem every month, it's typically ignored.
   I hate that. So many times that's happened to me, when I try to talk about my feelings. I've probably already said at some point that, when on a high emotional level, my natural response is to cry. I can't talk at all when that happens, so I'll write. Actually, I'll type more often than not. It isn't preferred, but it works.
    I will say one thing, it does get more out. I'll send emails to my friends, knowing that they'll see it. Sometimes I don't want them to. But if someone doesn't know, if I "bottle it all up", no one likes that.

   "Bottle it all up." I don't like that term. I've been told not to do that, talk to someone when I'm bothered. Problem is, there's barely ever a "proper" moment. Say it out of the blue, it's not right because "why are you holding grudges?" Say it in the argument, it's just a part of the emotions and not really considered further than that. When do you actually talk about anything with an emotional charge, even if the emotion is gone at the time?
   Least I have my friends, who help a great deal. Even if they don't reply all the time, or I know that they're busy, they'll still see my messages. Somehow that's calming. I know that I've gotten something out. It's still in my memory, yeah. But I have people I can talk to, people who listen.

    It's still hard. But I've gotten loads better these past weeks. The huge amount of social interaction I mentioned earlier has taken it's toll, but when I can take a break, when I'm alone with my thoughts, it's not as scary anymore.
    I'm not hurting as much anymore.
    Has it gone away completely? Probably not. I don't think it ever will. Found out that the anxiety, like my depression, was genetically passed down as well. Just that I have it. My past experiences pushed it into the social aspects of my life. Mostly having to do with friends and not being heard.

   But that's all changed. I have friends who'll forever be in my heart. Even though we're parting ways, they'll still be with me. And through their example and encouragement, I'm getting the courage for the new friends I'm making for the next step of my life. Not the courage in making friends. I've always had that, at least when I've had a good vibe about the person.
   It's the courage that I'll be able to keep them. New friends, and old.

-Kayla

Friends

   Hey, everyone! (Sorry this is late. I thought I hit the Publish button!)

   You all have probably gathered around now just how much my friends mean to me. And especially right now, I'm realizing just how much they do.
   See, a year ago this week, I started down the path of discovering, going through, and slowly concurring my depression and social anxiety. I honestly don't know how I would have done it without my best friends.
   To thank them, if they see this, I have a song. A lot of people say that the only way to defeat depression and these problems is by doing it yourself, you're the only one who can save yourself. In the end, maybe that's true. You can fight the battle and win yourself. But the only way to win the war is with an army.
    So, without further ado (and the added disclaimer that the rights to this song are not mine), an old favorite that matches my gratitude for the friends who will always stay in my heart. Thanks, you guys! :)

-Kayla

Wandering in my Thoughts

   Hey, everyone. Now for the second scheduled post. It'll be in the past by a day or so, meaning my thought process will probably be off by that much.

   Anyway, I was thinking again. I knew, several, several months ago that something big would happen in the friend department of my life. It was inevitable, to me. With another transition year beginning, I knew it'd involve those closest to me. I never imagined what actually happened to be what I predicted. Though, when it did, I wasn't really surprised.
   The first time, I had some friends who said we'd be "Best Friends Forever" and "Best Friends For Life". As that transition began and we started the new chapter of our lives, they slowly left me behind. It didn't really make sense to me. Most of us were going to the same exact place. Why was I starting to be ignored, given odd looks when I spoke, or avoided altogether?
   It took me months to finally break out of my shyness enough to make a new friend in a place I had no help in navigating. It took me years to realize that the treatment had gone on longer than I'd realized. And only in the past year or so did I finally make peace with it.
   Perfect timing, though, right? Another transition year, and one of the few friends I'd confided with the specifics and feelings of that story is ripped away from me. Partially by her own doing and some of mine.

   Violet says I shouldn't have to apologize for my feelings, things like that. I do anyway, mostly because that's just a part of my nature. I get angry and I cry right afterward because I hate myself for being that way, even for a moment. Drives some people nuts, because they still want to be mad, but it's harder to be mad at a crying person. I can't help it! I hate it when I'm angry.
   Depression hurts a lot. It makes you not want to care about your emotions until you're completely numb and can't even feel anything anymore. Tying that with Social Anxiety makes it ten times worse. With that, you care way to much, about what others say, think, and the same about what you say about others or yourself, or what you yourself think about others/yourself. Two sides on the opposite ends of the spectrum, constantly pulling at you.
   I've had to claw myself out of a lot of cages those two things try to wrap me in. Luckily I've got some friends on the other side of those bars, fighting on the other end. Sometimes I'm scared I won't get out. Sometimes I think that there's another cage, on that's bigger than the rest, that I don't know is there. My friends aren't in there and they won't be able to help me there. But someday, I know I'll have the strength to break that down, too.

   I've got a song today. I don't own it, on CD or the copy-write and all that fun stuff. It's from that Disney Channel movie Descendants. To be honest, this is the only song I like from the movie. The ending song is okay, but the rest are 'eh' to me.
   To me, this song isn't about being in love and trying to figure out those feelings. Sure, maybe if I ever get a boyfriend (yes, I have never had one before), then maybe. This feels more to me like how I feel now, with my friends. Will I ever know who I will truly be? Will my friends still be around if someone says something that puts me in a bad light, but is the truth? How do I know if my heart is leading me in the right direction if even my friends seem to think it's wrong?

-Kayla

Magic Prayers

   Hey, everybody. First of my scheduled posts, hopefully this works!

   Now, everyone here knows by now I'm a Christian. That means I believe in the power of prayer. Because it really does work, even if you've got a bit of doubt.
   Let me tell you, it works a whole ton better than wishing, like using those silly chain things that I've try for the heck of it. Unlike those wishes, prayers actually come true. Sure, it takes a whole ton longer than one would like, but prayers are answered while wishes are often not. Unless you do both for the same thing, which I guess is that you're probably trying awful hard to get it.

   I'm bringing this up because one of my friends needs prayers right now. I won't say which one, and I don't know what for. But she asked me and some others to pray for her, so that's exactly what I want to do.
   I hate praying for myself, or asking others to pray for me, though some of my friends do it anyway. I'd rather help someone out more than myself, because they probably need it more than I do. My problems can wait. Family and friends come first.

   So, can you pray for her? If not, than anyone in need. I'm going to pray for her, because she's my friend. They're the most important thing in the world to me. I want to make sure that they're okay.
   And with a friend like her, she's my family. Family should always be close to the heart.

-Kayla

Predicted It- Sort Of

   Hey, everyone. Sorry if this comes on late today. Also, I may or may not be giving my full story on that My Story page here. Maybe next week? No promises, just in case! Still, I'm going to start slipping things with this post with the stuff I've been holding back so you guys get to know me first, before knowing my life's specifics.

   Anyway, I'd known for months that something would happen involving Carmen. And I was right. I saw her again, in person, for the first time in months. I last saw her, whooo, last September? Wow, it was that long ago?
   Still, our last conversation, the one that ended our friendship was in February. Needless to say, hearing that she was there, right nearby, that caused me to panic. But, when she walked in, I didn't feel anything. No anger, no sadness, or anything really. I wasn't expecting any happiness, and that didn't happen at all.
   After the afternoon went on for a while, we didn't exchange any words except maybe an off-handed "hey." I knew I was going to cry yesterday, which I did end up doing, though not for as long as I thought I would. Well, it was ruined a little by some unplanned things happening.
   What set me off was the tearful goodbyes to some teachers. And then a song that reminded me of the time when my opportunity to make a new start began. That time where I started to meet my new friends, the same ones who've helped me so much.

   When the tears started to flow, I broke. Suddenly I realized something. What I'd been waiting for, what I'd been hoping for the whole year, had finally happened. But... It was so wrong. I'd missed Carmen so much, I'd wanted to see her again for so long, and then, well, you know.
   I didn't even talk to her. I barely even made eye contact with her. She seemed the same, though maybe not as outgoing as I remember.
   Remorse came through with the tears. Even if my depression, social anxiety, and bad spells were to blame, I still felt guilty about what happened.
   Is that wrong? What should I have done? With other events coming up, I know I'll probably see her in person again soon. Anyone have any advice?

   I did end up sending her a message via FB (different name than I use here; I'm paranoid of the internet). No answer yet, and it says it'd still unread.
   Any advice I've gotten is to wait for her to make a move. Before it was her to do it first, now I've acted to I'm waiting for her to make a second to my first.

   If there's no advice for that, any ideas on how to get this more out there? All I've got is the default Google+, my own Facebook actions, and my occasional email to some friends. Anyone have ideas for either problem?

-Kayla

Movie Messages

   Hey, everyone.

   Have you ever watched a movie, not really knowing what it's about, but curiosity pulls you along? Or maybe it's a movie that a friend suggested. Still, some of those movies, they inadvertently become something meaningful. There are at least three from the past year that have done that to me. Some you might know. The movies are: Good Will Hunting, Nowhere Safe, and Inside Out.
   Good Will Hunting was suggested to me by a friend. It took me months until I finally decided to watch it the other day. It's an older movie, around two hours long. Parts of it, mega spoilers so I won't say which ones, will induce tears. It just hit a part of me, that even if I didn't know exactly what happened through experience, I could relate to the pain. If I hadn't thought that someone was going to come into my room at the moment, I would have cried so much. That scene has something inside that I needed to learn myself because, well, I won't tell you. The scene and movie speaks for itself.
   Nowhere Safe is a movie I stumbled across last summer when I was finding random Hallmark movies on YouTube (I was really bored and needed something happy to distract me). I saw this movie and was startled. I didn't cry, no. But even if I didn't face the same hardships, I wanted what the girl has in the end. Confidence to overcome some hard challenge. Watching it again today, I could relate more and now I want it even more. Because standing up for yourself is one of the best things to learn how to do.
   Inside Out. Oh, boy. I watched that in theaters when it came out last year. I cried so many times, though I've developed a habit of choking back my tears so I can watch the movie and not miss anything, at least the first time. I've yet to see it in its entirety for a second time, though I have it on dvd finally. If you haven't seen it yet, go do it. After thinking about it, that movie is a lot like how depression is for me. Or maybe it's the social anxiety part. But it has a lot of great lessons to learn.

   What movies mean a lot to you? There are more movies that mean a lot to me (like How To Train Your Dragon 1+2) which I didn't mention here. At least, not yet.
   But what sparks your interest? What makes you feel something? And maybe you don't know why you react that way. But your subconscious does. Books, songs, and movies help me figure out why my reactions are what they are.
   How about you?

-Kayla

Feelings Overload

   Hey, everyone! I've updated the sidebar, so check out the changes. I apologize in case I don't meet my 8pm deadline because my brain probably kept going. I also warn you that it probably gets emotional toward the end, as that's where my thoughts are going.

   Now, I think I've said before that my feelings can get out of control. Yesterday, I talked about how there were too many words in my head. It's the same with feelings.
   Feelings are so hard to control. Sometimes I'll be in a bad mood, but it'll take me hours or days to figure out why. There will be times where I'll forget how to be in a good mood. It's hard, sometimes, to separate my thoughts from reality.
   People think that I live in a fantasy land when I say that. I don't, unless that fantasy consists of arguing with former friends or thinking about nightmares where close friends or family die. It drags me down, and I can't do anything to stop it because at that point I'm stuck.
   So I go to my computer and contact my friends. I don't always tell them exactly what it is that's bothering me. I just want to see a reply, because that alone lifts my spirits. Even if it's just a simple what's the homework or asking some random question. I don't know why it makes me so happy.

   I'm getting better at catching those bad moments sooner, though. I'll think back through the day, stepping backward through my thoughts and memories until I find the general or specific moment I went downhill. Usually that helps.
   Sometimes though, I can still do that, but I'm already downhill. If I've got too many feelings built up, my natural response is to cry. Most others I know get angry or shut down. I run away and cry because, well, I'm not sure. I'm still wondering why.
   So I've got videos, movies, songs, to watch or listen to when I'm like that. Because sometimes you just need a nice cry to make you feel better. I have poems that remind me about Jade and pictures too. There's a scene from a tv show I've never watched, but saw a story on Pinterest on it. It reminds me about how I felt when my friends in the past left me, when Carmen hurt me, and how I felt each time.
I put my heart into each friendship, even slightly minor ones. It's because of who I am, I can't help it. Of course it hurts each time a friend leaves, especially forcefully. My heart breaks as much as the friendship meant to me. Kind of makes me scared of when I eventually have a boyfriend.

   I'm going to put that scene here. It's from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Course, I don't own it and all that copy-write stuff. But here's the story behind that scene that hits me right in the heart. Will was supposed to brush the situation off as if it was nothing, but since his father had left him, just like in the show, he couldn't. So the hug you see isn't just character to another character. It's from an actor to an actor, a friend to a friend.
   Hits me most when Will shouts "To Hell with him!" I can't stop crying and even just thinking about it makes me choke up with some tears in my eyes. Here's the video.

-Kayla

Words: More or Less

   Hi, everybody.

   So, do you ever have those moments when you're talking to someone, like a friend or acquaintance, and you want to have this huge conversation, but all you can say is 5% of what's in your head? Maybe it's cause I'm a writer, but I often feel like I have too many words in my head.
   Funny thing is, there are days where I don't want to say anything at all. I say that I want a "quiet day". Well, I've only had one, which lasted for half of the day. And that was yesterday. Though I've wanted to have several, because I knew I'd feel better. Which did end up happening. Still, I don't want to have them that often.

   Maybe the thing is that I don't want to relive those days. The days when I had no choice but to stay silent because no one stayed around long enough to listen. Now that I do, with people who actually care about me to talk with, I can't seem to stay quiet.
   I've told more secrets to my current friends than I ever had before. With anyone. It's hard, because sometimes I feel like it's a mistake. That's probably why I'd get so mad at Carmen nowadays. I trusted her with my bad memories. She pushed them off as nothing, even saying that I'd never opened up before. Huh, think I've gone on that rant before here.

   Anyway, that's one of the things that I've been bothered about when I talk. I've been told a few times that I repeat myself. One person finds it quite annoying and says that a lot. It bothers me, because I now notice every time I do.
   Still, I also notice that when I repeat myself, I add on the words that I didn't get to say before. Course, some of those other words aren't there, but at least more of the message comes out.

   So, if I often repeat a topic of a blog entry previously seen, just read it over, cause it's probably as different as it's the same. Now, another song to share. Disclaimer: I don't own the copy-write, duh! This is Words by Hawk Nelson, which summaries a good deal of what I also believe about words. Enjoy!

-Kayla

Memorable Friend

   Greetings, readers!

   What do you do when you want to follow your heart? Well, I'd do it, about 75% of the time. The other 25% of the time, there are good reasons not to. Primary reason: someone could get hurt.
   There used to be a way that I could figure out the right way to go. All I had to do was talk to my best friend at the time: Jade. She was my anchor, my confident, and... my cat.

   Now, I know some people could find that crazy. I mean, what kind of little girl talks to cats without being crazy? Let me assure you, I am completely crazy! Jade, at the time, was the only one I could talk to.
   She'd just purr, no judgement, no getting mad, she never ignored me. She was a fraidy-cat, but she'd seek me out when I was upset. I'd cry into her fur and she wouldn't care it I got her wet. Honestly, at such a young age, she was a gift from heaven.
   When she died, I was devastated. I don't think I showed it outwardly, at least, not as much as I felt it inside. I remember one time wondering what I was going to do without her. Who could ever replace her? Well, no one could, but I had some friends again, more real than before.
   Years later, I have closer friends than I did then, plus two cats who love me as much as she did. Seriously, I started this and they both walked up to me to see how I was doing. Those three friends I've mentioned remind me of Jade every day because of how they've helped me through my depression and social anxiety.

   Back to my original question, I'm still not sure what do do about that. My friends are pretty good at calming me down about those situations. I mean, it could cause hurting someone, others or myself or both. Jade always helped, like they do. It'll be okay, eventually.
   Who helps you in your tough decisions? Who's your conscience when yours is blinded?

-Kayla

Thinking Things

   Hellooo Everyone!

   So, today was a thinking day. It was mostly just doing work that was kind of routine work. Which for me meant a lot of thinking.
   Yesterday, that video got me thinking about bullying. Weird timing, because the whole Carmen story came back into my life not too long after I posted that. Anyway, I won't get into that now.

   Still, bullying is a problem. It starts and extends in different forms, including things like cyber-bullying. There's the name calling, usually the most used form and varies greatly. And then there are the other forms. Silent treatment, turning others against a person for personal gain, things like those.
   I'm often afraid of my actions leading to turning others against those who've wronged me, like in a bad way. I certainly don't try to do it on purpose. Most of the time when I say something hurtful, it's because my emotions get in the way. That's not an excuse, or a very good reason, but I am human.
   Maybe that doesn't make sense. It kind of does to me. I don't want those girls to lose friends because of what I say, no matter what they've done. Sure, I don't want others to be hurt like I did, but it's still wrong to hurt them. You know?

   Still, my social anxiety was (I believe) caused by former friends essentially giving me the silent treatment. They slowly pushed me out, especially as we got older. Somehow I was still in denial when one used the words "I just like to talk to other peeps more."
   But you see where that all came from and led to? After I realized, it crashed my confidence. Took me several years to finally realize that people actually liked to have me around. Which is why I never want to see that happen to anyone else. Not my friends, not my family, not even the girls who hurt me. Especially being hurt by bullying.

   If you're being bullied, tell someone. Parent, teacher, friend, sibling, doesn't matter. As long as you know that the person will trust you, they should be able to help you. I'm here too, if you really don't trust anyone around you. There's an email form on the side bar (you can use a fake name, I'm pretty sure). Just find someone.
   Here's a clip for another part of that episode, and I really love this part as much as the other one. Again, I don't own Girl Meets World and all that.
    Before I end, remember, find someone to trust. Find people like those in this group of friends. And never let them go, cause they'll never leave you (and, someday, they might need you, too).

-Kayla

Through the Night

   Hey everyone, welcome.

   Being perfectly honest, I was planning on writing another awesome post like the last few days. Then I saw the above picture on Pinterest during my daily Pinning. I have no idea where the picture originated, but I've been in that position. There are still days where I will be in that position.

   Nights are the hardest for me. If I'm not tired enough or way too tired, then my thoughts will turn that way. Sure, it's not as bad now, but I still have vivid and recent memories of just crying, asking if for just a little while that it would all just go away. Nights that seemed to go on for hours, knowing I'd have to fake it in the morning and not wanting to.
   I'm always scared of something. Typically it's of my friends, through no fault of their own. I'm scared of one day not being able to trust them anymore. I'm scared of them leaving or betraying me, which I'm 105% positive (now) that they wouldn't do. But the fear is always there. For some reason, I can't shake it when the lights go out.
   Now when I have these nights, I ask why. Why do I still cry? I mean, it should all be gone now right? It's been months since Carmen back-stabbed me and left. I've made peace of a ton of things, before and after that day. Why do I still cry?

   I think it's because in a short amount of time, the probability of seeing my friends will go down dramatically. It'll be harder for me to contact them when I miss them. I don't really want the day to come when I'll wake up and suddenly realize that they're gone.
   Change is scary. A lot scary. And I know it'll be alright in the end. But that's in the end. Right now, it's hard. There's a storm coming. I'll make it through, but I'm scared of what (or who) I'll lose on the way.

   Sorry, I promise tomorrow will be a bit more lighthearted. Even in a bad mood, I still love writing here and it keeps my morale up. :)

-Kayla

Invisible

   Hey, everyone. I added a contact form to the sidebar to keep my word from what I said yesterday.

   Well, today's topic, I don't have advice for yet. I'm working on it, but my purpose for now is to make others know that their not alone in this invisible feeling.
   So, for me, the invisible feeling is when I'm talking or standing next to people and then they don't seem to notice. Even my friends sometimes do it, but they usually notice a few minutes after, so it's fine. Still, a good deal of the time (from the past and occasional present) it feels like this quote:
   "I listened to them, smiled. nodded. Agreed. Understood. Comforted. But when I opened my mouth to speak. Nobody listened but the silence. For now I have learned that people expect to be listened to, yet they refuse to listen themselves." -(a.b)
   I found this last night and thought, well, that sums it up. I've been having pretty much these exact thoughts. But sometimes it's hard to get used to. I mean, I'm pretty sure that's how I got my social anxiety (one cause is being ignored/neglected by peers).

   So, what do you do? Well, my approach could be wrong. Now, my past experiences consisted of talking, being ignored, then if I kept talking I'd then be looked at as if with three heads and ignored right after. Because of that, I now tend to just drift off to silence.
   The problem is that I'll have a mixture of reactions to doing that. I'll be bothered at myself for doing it, not blaming the others. I could be bothered by the others, but either understand why or get annoyed at them. It's just hard sometimes.
   Part of the time, I want to be heard and to be listened to. So it gets annoying sometimes when those moments happen and no one hears. Or sometimes I'll just be standing there and no one seems to notice me right there.
   It's gotten better. So it's not that bad anymore. Still, to make sure no one else feels like me, I do my best to provide a listening ear to others. And it works. I like making someone feel listened to, especially when I don't feel listened to myself.
   And now what I'm working on is letting others know that I'm willing to listen to their problems. After months of loading off my problems onto others, I want to provide the help that my friends gave to me. It's even harder when they know it and are reluctant to tell me, though I definitely understand that. It's not easy.

   Still, does anyone else know what to do in these situations? Does anyone have anything to tell themselves or to do?

-Kayla

Two Overviews

   First things first, if you're new here, I recommend reading the Introducing Me post. And if you're not new, welcome back!

   Now, I stated in my Introduction that I struggle with Depression and Social Anxiety. Since I know that different people experience these things different ways. I figured I'd give this blog some grounding by stating a little about what I go through.
   My depression circles around my anxiety which circles around my depression, etc. You get the point. That's not easy, but I've got great friends who understand it.
   Depression for me isn't just 'sadness', like the common idea is. I don't want to hurt myself physically, like others do. Mostly cause I'm afraid to hurt myself. But there are other things that happen. I'll cry at night when I know no one's watching. I'll hide behind a smile in public. For a while, it took some time before those smiles turned real.
   My social anxiety didn't help matters. I was afraid to trust anyone, because I was used to no one really listening to me. When I first made some real friends, it was a big shock! I'd had one or two before, but they eventually left for various reasons like moving to a new school or neighborhood. Then suddenly I had a handful of new friends, whom I've thankfully grown very close to. Three of them have helped me through some of the worst parts of my 'bad spells' (I'll be referencing those).

   Through this blog, I'm planning on bringing up these different events. Past, present, and maybe a few fears of the future. They'll be under 'Depression', 'Social Anxiety', 'Bad Spells', and other names similar. I can also give advice as well in some of my posts to help you out as well! Just comment below.
   And don't worry, I'll post about some happy memories as well. After all, to fight bad, there must be good!

-Kayla