Kindness Gone Sour

Hey, everyone,

     I've been thinking a lot since my last post. I'm still going to hold myself to what I said there and stay true to that. Because lashing out at others isn't fun, for either side.
     I will say, though, to anyone reading this, not just to any friends of mine, but if the idea or mention of talking behind someone's back makes you feel guilty, even years afterward, something is up. And I'm not saying you still do it, far from that. But it's something to remember.
     Like, I do, occasionally. Mostly because I used to get roped into that type of thing and then later did it on my own a few times. True, it wasn't as bad and I would always tattle on myself to the person after, but still. Even now if I say something negative to one friend about another when the other isn't around, I make sure it's something that I can talk to the other person about in a constructive manner. (Also because typically when I do this it's to get pointers about how to talk to said person.)

     The reason why I'm bringing this up again is that two things happened. One, I saw a quote I've read before and thought I should share here. And, two, a friend from college who mentioned they talked behind my back reached out to me about it. I'll explain more after the quote.

      Now, to what the friend said. Basically, I'd told them before that I was upset they did that, though left out personal reasons why because I wasn't sure what they would do with that information. Then, like I said, recently they reached out to me out of the blue and asked me if I was still mad. I dunno, maybe they read this blog. Or know my personal FB. Whatever the reason, something they said struck a chord in me.
      At first, they said so we can move past it. And I was like, okay, fine. Some more conversation went along and their conversation went in more of the direction of "So I can move past it." Suddenly it wasn't we anymore. It was them. And that left me confused. I still said apologizes and stuff because I do feel bad when I've hurt someone when being upset. But should I still be friends with that person?
     To clarify, this person hasn't treated me how I think a friend should treat another. They know about my bad days, but almost seem like they avoid me when I have them. Then when I talk about my interests, I'm either dismissed or treated as if I'm not worth their time. With the conversation, I realized that I was apologizing more for being hurt than they were about hurting me. Even if it was only months ago and we've barely spoken about it since then, why did they suddenly decide I needed to be the one to apologize for their wrongdoing?
     And yet, if they reach out to me to hang out, I'll put my plans aside. If they're stressed and trying to talk to me to let it out, I'll do my best to sit and listen. Because I really don't like to leave someone on a bad day. I know how it feels, even from my own family members.
     Truthfully, I will say when I'm having an off day, I will let them know I can't talk, usually only if they're just bringing up the same problems. Like, another friend of mine just will. not. stop. talking. about. guys. I understand she does have self-esteem issues, though, for reasons I'll keep private. But still, I've had to draw the line when my own mental health is at risk. I'm no help to anyone if I burn out. Not to say I won't help them when I'm having a good day, because of course I will, no matter how repeated the subject is. It's draining, but I know it helps them sometimes.

      Anyway, any friend who's been starting to treat me like the person I was mentioning, I'm honestly considering dropping as well as the obviously bad ones. They're good to talk to and I enjoy talking to them. But if I'm either a) not being treated right and/or b) know they have a history (more current and frequent) of talking behind other's backs, I don't see that friendship working out. My "good heart" everyone keeps telling me I have, starts growing cold. And I notice the ones who told me they were my "good friend" start changing that view once I start growing into my own person and more confident. And by this I mean, I start questioning more of their treatment of me and they try telling me I'm the one in the wrong. Like with the person I was mentioning. I asked them why they didn't make time for me like I would for them and they said "Well, I'm busy and I'm already doing a lot of the work in our friendship. What about you? I mean, I didn't ask you to stop [such and such a thing] to hang out with me."
     Friendships should be equal. You give and take, not one or the other. I've found in most friendships I'll give and give with not a lot given back, in any way shape or form. Then there are times where I'll see myself taking a lot and I snap myself out of it and change tactics as best and as soon as I can. Actually, this includes any relationship in general. Friends, significant other, family, or anyone else.
     And only, only, if it's mentioned or asked about, I'll add in my two cents about how a bad friend has treated me poorly if someone else is being treated the same way by that person. Because the last thing I want to do is influence people to choose my side, as I'm only one person and I don't always know the other side. But it's still something to think about. And something that needs to be stopped, desperately. Like, the reason I felt so sick doing anything remotely close to talking bad about someone is that there was no pleasure from it. Where's the gain in putting someone down for being who they are? That's never made sense to me.

     I'd try and promise again not to talk about this type of thing anymore, but honestly, I don't think I can. I'm going to keep it more anonymous in who I talk about, but since this seems to follow me around for basically my entire life now. Plus, I created this blog after it happened to me significantly two years ago. Bullies aren't something I'll approve of. Ever. Whether it's obvious or subtle, it's something I'll combat as much as I do my own issues. There are too many people out there like me. Too many. And it has to stop.
     So if you know someone who's done any of this, you've done this yourself, have been a victim, or all of the above, work together to stop it. And, friends, that includes me. If anyone reads this and knows me personally and I've hurt you in this way, please tell me. I want to stop it, even if I've been the bad guy.

     Trust me, I'm going to try to talk about being non-binary in the next post. But it's summer and getting closer to September. That's around the same time when I would get really bad so I might be posting more like this. Which isn't bad. I know someone out there, or many someones, would benefit from hearing this. Mostly to know they aren't alone. And that's why I made this blog. So people like me didn't feel alone anymore.

-Kay

Trapped in the Corner

Hey, everyone,

     So, the last post was really ranty. And I'm sorry about that, to everyone. Basically, when my fear and anxiety get a hold of me, it's really hard to shake. I mean, Violet can attest to that. We were talking about some stuff the other day and both had problems communicating to the point where we both were afraid we wrecked our friendship.
     When I get anxious or feel like I'm trapped in a corner, I lash out in some direction. Not always to harm or hurt. Just to get my words out because I feel like I can't do anything else. For example, I've been playing a game called Guild Wars 2 recently where I have to go on missions and fight things. With my character, I can do ranged attacks. Sadly built in with the mechanism, if you're too overzealous in your technic, you can draw unwanted attention by accidentally targetting more enemies automatically. The "unwanted attention" in this case was I managed to lash out and do the overall undesired action. Which was to hurt others. Both in my recent conversations with Violet and in my last post.

     That being said, everyone's probably sick of me talking about Carmen and Nora and I get it. Believe me, I want to stop too. It's not fair to them or me. All three of us are trying to move on with our lives without me dragging in what happened or anything after. But I'll say right now, it's not easy.
     All my life, a few people keep telling me I dwell on things too much (*cough* family *cough*). Then after that, I'm like, okay... So how do you want me to not? Because in their eyes if I talk about something they believe has already been "taken care of", then it's a moot point. Right? Wrong. If I'm still talking about it and getting emotional, there's something other than the already moved on aspects that are bothering me.
     The reason I'm bringing this up is that I'll talk with my therapist about Senior year as more of just an example now than an "I'm still bothered about what they did." And yeah, am I bothered about it still? Maybe? I don't know anymore, honestly. It's not about the people directly. Actually, it's really not about them specifically. It more has to do with the fact that it wasn't the first occurrence. It had happened once before to me years and years ago with an entirely different group of friends. So, of course, it would make a bigger impact on me the second time around.
     Senior year was already hard on me before the whole thing happened. Honestly, I feel like I'm the one at fault for the events to happen the way they did sometimes. I didn't know what was wrong with me. My depression and anxiety were getting worse and worse and I didn't feel like I had anyone to turn to. I cried almost every night trying to find some solace in feeling... something, anything. So I would lash out at people around me, my friends who I felt like they were the only people I could trust, in a kind of warped hope that they would notice and stop me. Of course it would backfire. Why wouldn't it? No one likes being lashed out at from something that they don't know what they did.
     In current anxiety terms, yeah, I still lash out at them. The old friends, I mean. Granted, I don't lash out as much at the new ones. Though I still do a little more than I should sometimes. But either way, most of the lashing is in my head because I know once the anxiety and cornered feelings are gone, that's not the "real me", in a sense. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone or make them uncomfortable. Heck, it's not even just the old friends, it's my family, too. I rarely said a word or gave a hint of how bad I was until these past few months, and yet I expected back then for them to notice and help me. Granted, there were many hints... Anyway, not the point, moving on. I'm not perfect in my approaches. So I shouldn't automatically expect everyone else to be. That's stupid. We're all human. And humans make mistakes. Duh.

     Anxiety, depression, ADHD, demisexual, bisexual, non-binary, and trust. All these words come up a lot in my blog, especially now. And that's because I've been looking back on my life and looking ahead. Mostly because of those last four. Being any part of the LGBT+ community is both liberating and terrifying. You're free because you finally know you're not going crazy and there's a whole community to support you, but then you're terrified because people you know, people you care about, may not accept you. And it calls into question more of who you can trust.
     Past experience tells me at some point, I'll be more over my anxieties and doubts about who I am, where I stand in life, and who's right there with me. That's what happened with the original case from many years ago. So I'm not dumb enough (right now) to say that there is a chance I'll be able to trust my old friends again. Even if it's not to the same degree as it used to be. If they were the first offense, it might be easier to trust more again. However, because someone else did the deed first, I'm more guarded. But that's not all a bad thing. It means I'm more guarded with others in my life, too. There are friends I dropped in college because I couldn't trust them with my mental illnesses, let alone my LBGT+ background. Guarded trust shouldn't mean you trust no one. It just means you should be more careful about how you go about doing things and who it's with.

     Anyway, I wanted to say sorry again to all my friends, old and new alike. Lashing out at you guys is just as hard on me as it is on you guys. And I probably beat at myself more than I should for it. But honestly, it's gotten a lot better. Anyone who's current with me in my life personally knows that and even those who don't hopefully know it as well to some degree.
     Either way, communication is the most important thing in any relationship. Friends, family, significant other, you name it. Heck, even during a school project. If no one talks, anyone having a problem never discussed may start to sit on it without realizing it. I can attest to that personally. (spoiler alert: it sucks)
     For me, personally, I really prefer a long chat with someone rather than five minutes small talk because, otherwise, I don't get all my words out right. Then anything that needs to be talked about is talked about rather than not even mentioned. Seriously, ask anyone who talks on the phone with me. I'll sound like a stiff robot if I know it's quick. But then you get me talking and I can't shut up. It's a thing. That goes to the other side, too. I like being able to hear everyone's side, but if the other side doesn't talk... Well, then I'm a sitting lump. Back when I was little, I think I made everyone else feel like a lump. With friends since then, I think those same people want me to go back into that locked box because they don't know what to do with me now that I have a voice and more expression to me. (*cough* family *cough* (Am I throwing too much shade with a dash of pettiness? Maybe. ~I really don't care.~)) I'll probably talk about that more in depth at some point, along with the many things I've been thinking about being non-binary.

     Now I'm gonna stop blathering on and leave a video here. It's more Thomas Sanders because he just came out with a new Cartoon Therapy video that's been in the works for weeks. I'm probably going to watch it again because it's really worth it. If you've got time, I encourage you to watch it, too.
     I'm also gonna add a song in case anyone wants a shorter thing or two things. I really love it a lot and hope someday to sing it with friends to inspire others.
     (I own nothing, all credits to the creators of the respectful things.)

-Kay
(PS I'm gonna start signing these more gender neutral-ish just to see how I feel about it; you know, they/them dealio)

Another Surprise...

Hey, everyone,

     So, in the last few posts, I've come out of the closet. Very vocally in the last one. But... the reason I haven't posted since is that I've been hiding one more thing. Meaning, any friends also reading this blog still? Don't say anything to anyone just in case they don't know. This is something I'm even more nervous about telling others. Like, I cried after telling Felix because I was terrified he'd hate me (he doesn't by the way, quite the opposite still).

     Anyway... well...
     [deep breath]
     I'm non-binary.
     There you go. There you have it.

     Honestly, I've been conflicted for a few weeks about posting here about this or talking about it since being non-binary is a little bit more complicated for people to accept or understand than someone being gay or bi or ace or something else. Even though those are also still hard for people to get. Depends on who you talk to.
     Either way, to answer some probably common questions:
     No, I'm not trans. I'm not a guy now, but I'm also not all girl. I still go by she/her pronouns and my given name, although sometimes they/them does feel appealing to my ears. Non-binary just means I don't fit in either the female or male binary. I'm somewhere in between.
     Basically, to sum it up by using an analogy I saw in a YouTube video by some queergender (another term used to describe non-binary, though less common because it can be a slur) folks (I think they're trans...? I'm sure about one but not the other), it's like a scale. Like this:
1 = female
5 = neutral
10 = male
     Most days since I've realized, I'll put myself as a 4 or 5. Maybe even a 3. Then there are other days where I'm at a nice 2 or 6. I've been close to 7, but I've gotta say, I'm really not much higher on the scale in that direction? Granted, it has been only a few weeks since I've been ranking and it's not perfect.

     If you're thinking, "well, you've never said anything before or shown that kind of feeling before, maybe you're just confused and following whatever the kids these days say on the internet or in college." Buddy, I have news for you.
     I've always felt this way. Kinda similar to being bi, I squished it down even more so. I hid behind my skirts and feminine clothing because that's what I had to do. That was the social norm of where I was. You look down at what was between your legs or on your chest and there you go. Black and white. And honestly, some days it sucked. Because it was everywhere. Home, school, the store, anywhere. At least, that's what my brain thinks it remembers. I'll say right now, depression and anxiety combined with ADHD sometimes can really warp some thoughts. Not to invalidate anything, though. Feelings and experiences are still important and I'm the only one who can "decide" what I experienced/felt about something.
     ANYWAY, since going to college, I've been able to wear whatever the heck I wanted. So I brought a lot of my clothing along from high school and life and everything. Want to know what I wore the most after that first semester? Hoodie and pjs. The most gender neutral I think any human being can be capable of. Granted some of my pjs visible would be bright pink, but even then I didn't care. It wasn't until I was more aware of what the word non-binary was that I realized that's why it felt sooo much better to me.

     One example of how I know I'm non-binary is something I went through yesterday. It wasn't the first time, but it is the first time I did something about it.
     Now, to start off, recently I had to buy a new swimsuit. I rarely wear one so I didn't care it was slightly too small until recently. When looking in the mirror and wearing it, I loved it. I look really good in it, which is how I felt in it and what other said afterward. I'd usually avoid wearing swimsuits because I didn't always feel that way. After what happened yesterday, things finally connected on why that was.
     Yesterday I was feeling around a 6, nearing 7. I'd tucked my hair in a hat all day (it's quite long and I have no desire to cut it) and was wearing more gender neutral colors and clothing. It didn't bother me that my chest isn't flat, so that was fine. I just wanted to be a person. Then... later in the day, I had to put on a swimsuit. The plan was I was going to go swimming with some people, which I normally duck out on. But the previous night I was excited about it and couldn't wait to wear my swimsuit again. So I had it with me and went and changed.
     Oh my gosh, it was like a living nightmare. Okay, maybe not that bad, but close. It was so uncomfortable with it on and then I looked in the mirror and the feeling got worse. Like, I almost threw up. Luckily, I'd picked out some shorts and a zip-up sweater to go over it to walk to the pool in. As soon as it was out of sight I could breathe again, but I could still feel it, obviously.
     Long story short, I managed to not go swimming without outing myself from the closet and just sat by the pool after changing back. Luckily I've gained a longstanding reputation for not swimming so everyone has stopped trying to guilt me into it. But the whole time I was just thinking about that experience and remembering every other time I would dread doing something similar.
     Today I probably wouldn't be as bad wearing it. I was at more a 4-5 again. But one thing that made me really happy about the past two days is that no one asked about my hat. The one comment I got about it was someone saying "I like your hat and how you've been making your hair 'short' and long." That was probably one of the best compliments I've ever gotten and she didn't even know. (Some of the others being Felix and his reactions to things I do. He fanboys a lot and it's very adorable. Have I said how much I love him yet?)

     This post is long already, so I'm going to end here for now. But I'm going to talk more about this because I'm not what everyone else in this non-binary spectrum/umbrella is. So I'm just going to talk about it and if someone else is similar, hopefully, this helps. And anyone who's just curious how at least one person feels/experiences being non-binary. It'll probably help me a lot, too.
     Goodnight for now, my friends. And I'll also add a song for you. I love this one and this version is a new cover I recently discovered. It's so great.

-Kayla

A Moment to Vent and Breathe

Hey, everyone,

     Distractions happened again. Honestly, I have recently been considering taking meds for my ADHD, anxiety, and depression. Mostly because ADHD can only be helped so much with coping methods. I mean, especially since going to college I've noticed my ADHD getting worse as coping methods have slowly stopped working as well. Motivation only takes you so far and I've been lacking any lasting motivation for a while. Don't worry, I'm planning on going to a therapist at the same time. My family is actually taking steps for me to do so at home now.

     Anyway, for the main point of this post... I honestly don't know what to talk about really. So this might become more of a venting post. Lately, my past has been coming back. I guess it's bound to do so when summer comes around. The same thing has been happening since Junior year, when the whole mess of Senior year started. For anyone's reference, Senior year is when I started this blog and when everything happened to me that I mentioned in the "My Story" post.
     Recently, I unfriended both Nora and Carmen on FB. I'd actually found Carmen and sent a friend request to her, which she accepted, surprisingly. However, nothing really came of that afterward. But I digress. Ultimately, after a while and a lot of thinking, letting them both go was the right choice. And it's not for the thoughts or reasons I'd usually think.

     In the end, yes, I did let them go for my own mental health. Just seeing them appear on the active list on Messanger would cause me terrible bouts of anxiety. But, honestly, I let them go for other reasons. Carmen was simple. I knew she most likely would never come forward and talk to me unless I initiated it. Afterall, that's how it was when we were still friends.
     Nora on the other hand... She was different. We'd known each other for years. Honestly, that's probably the only reason I waited so long. I'd been wanting to do that for months now. Longer than that, really. But I couldn't because our families know each other. And from the reaction I got afterward (keep in mind, she still hasn't contacted me at all about it herself), I was right in my thinking. Members of my family don't get my reasons.
     From what I can gather, they believe me to be holding a grudge. That I can't let go and I've been dwelling on it. I don't understand that. Because I don't think they understand the whole story.

     Even before I found out that Carmen and Nora talked behind my back (twice), I was in a heavy depression. I looked to them for help as I cried almost every night, feeling like something was wrong with me. My family didn't even notice. Or if they did, it was brushed off because they didn't see all of it. I've been told I wear my emotions on my sleeve, but back then I was better at hiding things. Times when I did say something it was just brushed off with their saying "It's just life." and "It's normal to be stressed, you just need to learn to handle it better." Is it any wonder I don't trust them?
     [deep breath and exhale]
     Senior year still bothers me. Not because of what they did, really. That just made everything worse, like a catalyst. No, it bothers me a lot mostly because it seems "cursed" in a way. Like, I can't talk about it really with anyone anymore. I mean, I can, but I feel like they're brushing me off too or I haven't told them yet. And it hurts.

     It hurts knowing I have friends who I know I can trust now. Because I just can't. I can't because I don't know if they'll do the same thing. If they see the demons still lurking inside me, will they run, too? And if they don't... I still feel that way. I still feel like everyone's going to cast me aside at some point because friends just don't stick around me. There's always someone else, someone else to take my place. Even if they don't realize it.
     All of my friends tell me different, especially Felix. They do everything they can to convince me otherwise, but on my bad days... On the bad days, the feelings inside morph. They take the best feelings I have inside and try to twist them around, make me have doubts. And I hate it because I know they aren't true and yet I can't stop it from happening. I don't know how.

     What keeps me going is hope. Hope that tomorrow will be better because today might end well, but those bad feelings are like chains. Always weighing me down until I can cast some off in the night. True, some stay, but for a while it's bearable again.

    Sorry this post was so bogged down. I've been meaning to write, but lately everything I've written has a dark twist like this. Even my stories I write for fun. I'm thinking of journalling, but I'll have to find a way that isn't typing, but also can't be found by prying family members, innocent or no.
    Tomorrow is a new day. Maybe I can write a new better post then. But plans are also busy, so I'm not sure about that. Monday at least, I'll certainly try.

I'll be back soon,

-Kayla

A walk in the dark

Hello, this is Felix, Kayla's dorky boyfriend.

So despite having accepted the offer to join this blog close to a year ago, I've only just gotten this account setup, and after a few days, I'm finally trying to write something. Brace yourselves for the most incoherent post you'll ever read, cause I write best at 1 in the morning, but nothing makes sense at this hour. If you've ever crammed an essay that's due at midnight, you know what I'm talking about.

On the other hand, this time of day scares me, more than I'd like to admit. Kayla's gonna fuss, cause I haven't told her much about it, but I can honestly say that, as a 19 year old boy, I am afraid of the dark. Or rather, I am afraid of what comes with it. I have struggled with depression for years, and despite having gotten through what I hope it's the worst of it, I still dread laying in bed and waiting for sleep to take me, because I know in the limbo between laying down and sleep, the whispers will come. The voices that tell me I'm worthless, that I'll never amount to anything, that nobody could ever see past my scars.

But the thing is, the dark isn't so scary when someone is there with you, holding your hand. And for years, I didn't have that. The dark was scary, and sometimes even dangerous for me when I started believing those whispers, but then I found someone that would stand with me. And suddenly, there was a light in the darkness.

So I guess what I'm trying to say, is that all of us here have been in that darkness, right where some of you might be right now. And I am here today as proof, not that you can get through the darkness, because I won't lie, no matter how much I improve, I still have stray thoughts, depressing, violent, even suicidal ones, but that you can survive the darkness. You can't get rid of it, but you CAN beat it. You can beat it so badly that when it tries to rear its ugly head, you look at it funny, think "where'd that come from?" and then squash it down again. And maybe it's not the solution we've all been hoping for, but I'll tell you it's a lot better than being stuck alone in the dark.

Like I said, we've all been there, and we are all at various points on our journey I'm the dark. But none of us have to make that journey alone.

~Felix

P.S: The someone I found, is obviously Fluffy the penguin, who is a gift from Kayla, who is most certainly not my wonderful, shining light in the darkness, nor is she the love of my life. That would just be silly. Penguins are obviously superior warriors.

My Story

   This has been a long time coming, both in posting and in telling this. This being my story.
   I'll start by saying that all the names here I use are fictional. This is to keep others mentioned here private and to protect my own privacy. I started out that way and will continue to do so. The story and people, however, are very much true and real.
   I'm still a Christian girl, that is very true. I do have depression and anxiety, though those have lessened considerably since my last post.

   I started this when I was in high school and into college. For my senior year, while most everyone else had a good time, mine was less. Though this was mostly in my own mind, as far as anyone else could see.
   The summer before was not great. I was losing a friend as she transferred schools and feared I may lose another as the summer wore on. This is when I finally realized and admitted I had depression and social anxiety.
   Things got better when we came back to school, as I still had a small support system and my other friend had not left. But then everything just started going downhill as the stress of getting ready for college set in.
   It was still relatively normal as we came into a new calendar year. Just as I started to get better again, finally being able to reach out to Carmen, the friend who'd left, everything collapsed.
   I got blown off time and again whenever I'd try to figure out when something was wrong with one of my friends who'd stayed. I won't say which, for privacy. I also got brushed aside when I'd try to contact Carmen sometimes. Nothing made sense to me and I didn't know what was going on.
   So, finally, I snapped. I confronted both friends when we were on break and told them to prove that I meant something to them or our friendship was over. That was when I found out from one that the two had talked behind my back on at least two occasions. She was very apologetic and I forgave her, of course. I did with Carmen as well, but that was not why our friendship shattered.
   I broke off my friendship with Carmen because I could see to her, I was just a cast-away friend. I didn't mean much to her in the first place, so I didn't expect that to change after I found out something like this. She even said that she didn't even care and told me not to contact her again.
   I did a few times, though. Not via phone as I had before. Once through another friend to tell her I forgave her. The reply to that wasn't the nicest, with Carmen saying that she felt she'd done nothing wrong and that we should just leave our friendship as a memory. Well, that's what I can remember of her emailed reply.

   That was what hurt the most. Having someone I'd confided in ripped away from me like that. It was like losing Jade, but worse. I knew I shouldn't have trusted Carmen from the start, but I did anyway because I was a kind person. I saw she needed some friends, so I reached out and became one. I proceeded to trust her with other memories that lead to my social anxiety, considering her to be one of my closest friends.
   How could it not feel like I was being stabbed in the chest when she told me that I'd never opened up to her?

   Whether she meant to or not, that was one of the big factors that came to my darkest day. When I was so tired and upset and hurt that I told myself that if I died then, no one would notice or care. The day when I wanted nothing more than to end my own life.
   I don't know completely how I snapped out of it, except something very personal that made me stronger in my faith. But I'm here now and that's why I started this blog.
   I wanted to do something, give hope for others so that maybe they would find something to hold onto in a dark day. Something where I would bring a little more light than dark in this broken world.

   I did reach out to Carmen again a week later, sending one last email to tell her exactly what I thought about hers. And I saw her in person some months later along with reaching out to her on FB after I found out she'd been bullied. I think I wrote about those last reach-outs in past posts.

   Since coming to college, I have had a few more days where I want to re-enact that day. Though the urge was less intense, it was still strong. So, I did start counseling and made a really great support group of my new friends, along with keeping some of the old. Near Christmas, someone jokingly asked if I'd ever wanted to kill myself, to which I gave a calm, but a bit short-tempered, retort continuing the topic that'd been going on before that. I had a near shut down after that, but I was able to talk to a friend through it. Maybe that's what made me snap out of it more, having someone there and not avoiding my fear of that day.
   I made a significant increase in getting better as we came into this new year. It's gotten to the point where I may even be ending counseling soon. I've had a rough couple of weeks recently, as that's when most of this story reached its year point. But I've had friends to help me through it and I'm stronger now in myself than I was then. And maybe some of it has to do with the fact I have my boyfriend now. :) (And no, this isn't the guy I was going on about. This one is very sweet and caring and I love him very much. He understands all of this, going through depression and anxiety himself, helping me though rough days as I help him through his. He's my best friend.)

   Which is why, I have to ask. Should I continue this blog? Come up with new entries every week and continue? Or should I just leave it up, not adding anymore?
   I don't get emails like I used to and not many comments either. Am I really helping or no?

   Please reply in some way. I keep everything anonymous and do my very best to never judge a soul. Have I helped in any way with this blog?

   I'll come back in a few days, checking my email and everything else until then. I'll decide then the fate of my blog. I'll also put my story on the My Story page for quick analysis.

   See you all in a few days.

-Kayla

Stay

   Hey, everyone.

   Days are long and sometimes hard. I still have times when a single thought can ruin my whole day. Or I think it does. Sometimes I can snap out of it. Those times are getting easier and easier to leave behind, but... I still cry when the lights go out now and then.
   The main reason I cry now is because I miss my friends so much. I mean, my new ones are great, fantastic. Some I know I'll grow very close to like I did my other ones.
   I just miss making memories. I miss being able to turn around and smile at a shared joke that no one knows but a few. They were, are, my family. Sometimes it's as if a part of me left with them.

   Maybe that's why I get so effected by the friendships that were ended so harshly. I put myself in friendships. Just when I start to open up, I get shut down.
   That's why I stayed a loner when I was younger. That's why I didn't talk to anyone, didn't try to make any really close friends. I got disappointed in the end anyway, so what was the point?
   Kicker is, I still don't want to care about how it effected me. I still care about everyone else. My friends, even someone who did the act of stabbing me in the back. I want to know why. What made them want to hurt me like that? Were they so hurt inside that they had to take it out on me? Was that all I was to them? Not really someone to share feelings or secrets with? Just an outlet?

  Over the years, I've admitted to myself that I have been deeply effected by these broken bonds. No one forgets broken trust easily, never. I'll never forget those words, never forget the feeling of having my insides torn out.

   I wanted to become a loner again. Before Carmen betrayed me, I wanted to lock myself up again. I wanted to hide away inside, not let anyone in too deep. I felt something wrong before it ever happened. I wanted to protect the people around me from what was inside. I was convinced that I would just hurt them. I felt like it was all my fault.
   But something intervened. Maybe it was because before then I'd started sharing secrets and even this one couldn't remain hidden for long. I don't know, but something made me tell Nora, Violet, and Abigail about my depression and social anxiety. True, it was all spread apart, but eventually, I trusted each to know. They were the first to know about this blog.
   They didn't let me sink back. In fact, they pulled me out. I started talking more, becoming more social. I've made friends that I can trust here, seeing the signs in them that I saw in my old friends. A few new friends I'm wary of, but that's maybe because I still see Carmen in people, too. I'm still trying to figure that out.

   Part of me is still scared to death. I've won several battles, but I don't know if I've won the war. But I can't afford to loose. There are others, others like me that I need to be there for. That's what's kept me here, I know it.
   I am here to help others like me. I'm here to bring hope for others when I know I had none.

   You can't give up. Someday someone is going to look you in the eye, shake your hand, and say "You're the reason I didn't give up."

   I want to be there for that day. What about you?

-Kayla

Heavy

   Hey everyone.

   Do you ever just have those days where you feel like a weight is on your shoulders? Where you walk around and even if you're fine, it's a good day, but it's just there in the back of your mind? I've had those days a few times recently.
   I've been getting a lot better. Really, it's great. I'm making new friends, getting past some of my fears, being myself without worrying about what anyone thinks.

   I had nearly went back again recently, though. I made a stupid mistake. It probably wouldn't make much sense to anyone why I'm so connected to a computer. But through my inattentiveness, it's now broken, probably without repair.
   Several things went through my head when it happened. "What do I do?" was the first. Next "How do I know how my relatives are doing?" Before "Jade."
   Funny thing is I didn't even think about my friends back home for a while. Not sure why, exactly, but they were one of the last things I thought of, even after Jade came in my mind. I still have yet to tell Jade's full story here, but it did involve my not paying attention before the events leading to her passing.

   That mistake was the ending of bad luck that had happened for the few days before then. I was retreating back into myself again. Something I'd swore to myself never to do again. True, it was more similar to this summer in depth, but after getting into a better state, I don't want to go back.
   I know it's not guaranteed to have a perfect record. Heck, it's not even expected that you should.

   All I want is just to know I've made headway. And I have. The pure fact that I'm more upbeat at the end of this week compared to the horrible start is something to be counted for.
   I go for the little victories. Those add up to winning the war. :)

   I'll be changing the song of the month soon. Check out the archive, anyone who has yet to. See what this blog is about.

-Kayla

NOT Helpless

   Hey, everyone. It's been a long time again. I'm trying, I really am. Just been a bit sick. Lost motivation to even be on Pinterest two days ago. Happens.

   So, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately instead. I'm not normal. I've said that before. Several times I wonder what others think of me. I've been called Wise. Caring. True Friend. Getting ready to take on the world.
   I've also been called helpless. Asked repetitively if I had any of the symptoms of depression, before I even thought that of myself. Been told to be more social.
   Sad thing is, my friends are the ones who've told me more of the things in the first paragraph. The other comments came from my family and therapist (back when I had the latter).

   Maybe I shouldn't say "sad thing is". But it hurts. To me, family should be to encourage you, help you get through the tough stuff, even if they're just there for moral support. But more often than not, it's more criticism than support. I can barely even get through talking about my depression or social anxiety without one of three things happening: 1) It gets misinterpreted; 2) Dismissed after some consideration; 3) Dismissed entirely with no thought or complete misinterpretation.

   I was told recently that "helpless" comment. And the reasons for why are completely off base. They actually more fit the one who made the "conclusion" in the first place. One example: I, in their eyes, would give up on something as soon as it gave me trouble.
   No. I take a break, fully intending on coming back later, because it drives me nuts when I can't figure out what was done wrong. The catch is that I'm easily distracted and don't always remember. I hate people reminding me, because at this point, the ones doing the most reminding (aka my family) are doing it in such a way that makes it sound like I'm either 5 or stupid.

   I'm not helpless. If I was, I'd have given up a long time ago. If that "giving up when things got tough" comment was true, I'd ended everything a long time ago. Things are still hard. It's even harder when people around you make a comment that nearly diminishes everything you've always dreamed of doing. Always planned and hoped. That was one of my bad days last week.

   I'm stronger than maybe even I give myself credit for. But I hold out hope, you see. That's what keeps me going.
   Hope for a better world. Hope to have good friends. Hope for a better me.

-Kalya

Hey

   Hey, everyone. Sorry about not posting yesterday. It was a bad late morning leading to an equally bad afternoon, which squashed my urge to post. Today, just an hour or so ago was even worse. But I knew I had to get on, even if it was just for a small post. Have to get back into posting every day. :)

   Anyway, here's a song. Don't own it, or the copy-write. If anyone knows the cd this is on, write in the title in the comments. Can't find this song anywhere except YouTube. Enjoy and see you tomorrow.

-Kayla

Flip-flopped Thoughts

   Hey, everyone. I know I haven't been all there with the posts recently. Mostly in the fact that they aren't everyday anymore. I'm trying, I really am. Stupid stuff keeps coming up, like my computer overheating or suddenly having to go on a cleaning spree just to find one thing. Stuff like that.

   I just need a break. Not even really on one right now. Starting to type this at midnight because a pain in my arm is keeping me awake. I think I pulled a muscle earlier. Actually kind of difficult to type a little. I'll probably finish tomorrow at some point, publish it then.
   Seriously though, I'm on mental shutdown. I've had a ton of social interaction these past several weeks, different than the usual. See, I'm fine when it becomes a pattern, same stuff all the time. But if it's all sporadic and varying levels of comfort depending on the people I'm with, it gets exhausting. I've had from full weeks of interactions with different groups (people I do know and then others I didn't) to maybe one or two days where I didn't and had that for all the days around and between. Can you blame me for skipping out on one today (well, yesterday)?

    I'm so tired. Gonna save this for tomorrow. See ya in some hours. :)

    And I'm back. Better now than I was last night. One thing though, all that stuff is all still relevant. Still kind of bothersome to me, even if I don't say much about it.
    It's like when girls are in that cycle of the month. For some reason, anything brought up then is just under the category of "it doesn't matter" automatically. Doesn't matter if it's the same problem every month, it's typically ignored.
   I hate that. So many times that's happened to me, when I try to talk about my feelings. I've probably already said at some point that, when on a high emotional level, my natural response is to cry. I can't talk at all when that happens, so I'll write. Actually, I'll type more often than not. It isn't preferred, but it works.
    I will say one thing, it does get more out. I'll send emails to my friends, knowing that they'll see it. Sometimes I don't want them to. But if someone doesn't know, if I "bottle it all up", no one likes that.

   "Bottle it all up." I don't like that term. I've been told not to do that, talk to someone when I'm bothered. Problem is, there's barely ever a "proper" moment. Say it out of the blue, it's not right because "why are you holding grudges?" Say it in the argument, it's just a part of the emotions and not really considered further than that. When do you actually talk about anything with an emotional charge, even if the emotion is gone at the time?
   Least I have my friends, who help a great deal. Even if they don't reply all the time, or I know that they're busy, they'll still see my messages. Somehow that's calming. I know that I've gotten something out. It's still in my memory, yeah. But I have people I can talk to, people who listen.

    It's still hard. But I've gotten loads better these past weeks. The huge amount of social interaction I mentioned earlier has taken it's toll, but when I can take a break, when I'm alone with my thoughts, it's not as scary anymore.
    I'm not hurting as much anymore.
    Has it gone away completely? Probably not. I don't think it ever will. Found out that the anxiety, like my depression, was genetically passed down as well. Just that I have it. My past experiences pushed it into the social aspects of my life. Mostly having to do with friends and not being heard.

   But that's all changed. I have friends who'll forever be in my heart. Even though we're parting ways, they'll still be with me. And through their example and encouragement, I'm getting the courage for the new friends I'm making for the next step of my life. Not the courage in making friends. I've always had that, at least when I've had a good vibe about the person.
   It's the courage that I'll be able to keep them. New friends, and old.

-Kayla

"Everything Happens For A Reason"?

   Hey, everyone. Sorry I haven't done anything in several days. I went to my friend's mom's calling hours and funeral. I cried a lot at home after I found out, but not during either of those two events. Not entirely sure why.

   There was one thing I saw though. On Facebook, someone had shared with my friend (or her whole family, don't completely remember) a link saying something in the headline along the lines of: "Please Stop Saying Everything Happens for a Reason", though it did have God mentioned there as well, which is why I know I haven't remembered the proper title.
   I didn't click on it. Not sure if I wanted to. Not then anyway. But for the sake of this post, I now have found and read a similar post. Here's the link to that:
http://www.robshep.com/2014/05/27/please-stop-saying-everything-happens-for-a-reason/
   At first, I was kind of confused. Then kind of hurt. But it all makes sense, especially if it's read all through to the end. Especially then.

   Here's my take on "Everything Happens for a Reason"

   Sometimes, things hurt. Someone close to you dies. You loose a chance to do something amazing. There are accidents. People betray you, hurt you, leave you for nothing. Things just hurt and get worse. You'll cry and you'll scream but nothing gets better, no matter how hard you try.
   I've been hurt. Physically sometimes when I was younger, typically sibling squabbles. I've never really been one to fight back with my hands. Can't stand hurting someone else. Emotionally, oh, so much. I've been let down by so many people. Only a handful haven't left me. And even they have hurt me a little, intentional or not.
   I remember everything. I don't have a great memory, not when it comes to birthdays, anniversaries, homework, deadlines. I'm horrible with stuff like that. But I remember every feeling, every face that meant something to me, even just for some minutes. Names, no. Faces, people, feelings. All that is in me.

   I remember the good. I remember the bad. I remember everyone I've lost. Everything that's ever been taken away from me. And all that chose to stay behind.
   I cried so much this past year. Every night for weeks, months on end, as soon as the lights went out, I'd cry. I'd remember everything. Every word, every memory charged by some emotion. It sat on my chest until sometimes I had trouble breathing, physically.
   I prayed. Every night. Most of the time I asked if God could just send someone to stay. Proof that someone was still my friend. Sometimes I just asked if the weight could be lifted, just enough so I could sleep. I was so, so tired.
   Only once did I think about all of it ending. I sort of faked being sick so I could stay home. I just thought "If I died now, no one would notice." Somehow I snapped out of it. Not an immediate mood change, but gradual that day. After, I started really thinking about starting this blog. Some weeks later, I did.

   I've read stories about people getting better from depression. A girl who's in a kitchen, humming a Disney song and hearing her mom speak to her grandmother in the other room, tearfully saying "She's singing again." A woman who now has kids and listens to her husband tell them bedtime stories in silly voices. Stories of hope and healing. Not fiction or fantasy. Real life.
   I'm not healed. Not completely. Sure, I'm not as down as I've been for the past twelve months. I don't know if there'll be a sign, something to show that I'm getting better.
   Or maybe there has been. Others who I think barely notice me have made comments. I've been talking more. I'm more noticed. I'm not invisible anymore.

   I think everything happens for a reason is in a sense that you can't know what's good unless you've had the bad. You don't know healing unless there's been pain. You don't know just how true a friend can be until another betrays you.
   I'm not one for competition, not really. I don't like to compare myself to others. Pain is pain. Joy is joy. I'm happy for others achievements, whether or not they surpass my own. I try to help others in pain, whether or not they are hurt more or less than myself.
   It matters more to me that others find peace even before I do. Because no one should hurt that much.

   But sometimes you have to cry. Sometimes you have to let in the hurt. How else do you know you have healed?

   I love this song. I have for the past, oh, five years or so. Maybe a year after I lost Jade. Reminds me of her. My old and current friends as well. Don't own the copyright, and all that.

-Kayla

Predicted It- Sort Of

   Hey, everyone. Sorry if this comes on late today. Also, I may or may not be giving my full story on that My Story page here. Maybe next week? No promises, just in case! Still, I'm going to start slipping things with this post with the stuff I've been holding back so you guys get to know me first, before knowing my life's specifics.

   Anyway, I'd known for months that something would happen involving Carmen. And I was right. I saw her again, in person, for the first time in months. I last saw her, whooo, last September? Wow, it was that long ago?
   Still, our last conversation, the one that ended our friendship was in February. Needless to say, hearing that she was there, right nearby, that caused me to panic. But, when she walked in, I didn't feel anything. No anger, no sadness, or anything really. I wasn't expecting any happiness, and that didn't happen at all.
   After the afternoon went on for a while, we didn't exchange any words except maybe an off-handed "hey." I knew I was going to cry yesterday, which I did end up doing, though not for as long as I thought I would. Well, it was ruined a little by some unplanned things happening.
   What set me off was the tearful goodbyes to some teachers. And then a song that reminded me of the time when my opportunity to make a new start began. That time where I started to meet my new friends, the same ones who've helped me so much.

   When the tears started to flow, I broke. Suddenly I realized something. What I'd been waiting for, what I'd been hoping for the whole year, had finally happened. But... It was so wrong. I'd missed Carmen so much, I'd wanted to see her again for so long, and then, well, you know.
   I didn't even talk to her. I barely even made eye contact with her. She seemed the same, though maybe not as outgoing as I remember.
   Remorse came through with the tears. Even if my depression, social anxiety, and bad spells were to blame, I still felt guilty about what happened.
   Is that wrong? What should I have done? With other events coming up, I know I'll probably see her in person again soon. Anyone have any advice?

   I did end up sending her a message via FB (different name than I use here; I'm paranoid of the internet). No answer yet, and it says it'd still unread.
   Any advice I've gotten is to wait for her to make a move. Before it was her to do it first, now I've acted to I'm waiting for her to make a second to my first.

   If there's no advice for that, any ideas on how to get this more out there? All I've got is the default Google+, my own Facebook actions, and my occasional email to some friends. Anyone have ideas for either problem?

-Kayla

Tired Day

   Hey, everybody.

   Today was stressful. Right now I need a crying time. I'm just going to put some videos in order here from one of Reggie Dabbs's speeches (used the order from the descriptions on YouTube). From what I picked up, this was from a New York City Christian conference. I still cry every time I see the ending. Watching it all together is even more emotional. But it's worth it. :)

-Kayla

Forgiveness

Hey, everyone! (Sorry this was messed up so much today, here's the good copy.) This will be long and will contain spoilers to Girl Meets World and Good Will Hunting, so proceed with caution. It'll be a good message, so I hope you don't mind the spoilers. I might also be dividing this in two parts, but I also might not.

  And, one more thing. Knowing my thoughts connected to this topic, this will be a very emotional post. I don't know what emotions will be triggered, but be careful. Here goes.

  I've been talking about a lot of important stuff lately. Being yourself (Appearances), living life the way you want to (Live Like...), bullying (Thinking Things and Belief is Powerful), being a friend who cares (True Friend), making a difference starting with yourself (Messages Become One), and a whole load of other things. These aren't all the blog entries that correspond with the topics. Maybe I should think of more tags...

  Anyway, today I'd like to talk about Forgiveness.

  The dictionary definition of "to forgive" is: "stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake" (taken from Dictionary.com). In the bible there's a whole ton of messages about loving your enemy and forgiving people without counting how many times you do.

  But those are just definitions. It's not as easy as they make it sound. I found this picture a while back, which sums it up for me.

  It's been really hard to forgive Carmen. I trusted her, at the time a good deal more than most, maybe even more than even Nora at times. And she let me down, spatting it in my face. And it hurt, a lot.

  I told her that I forgave her. It had to be through a friend, as she no longer wanted to hear from me. She sent me an email back saying she thought she didn't do anything wrong and a few other things that don't look bad to another observer, but crushed me. I sent her one last email a week or two later and haven't contacted her since.

  But I still get mad. I have imaginary confrontations where I can finally tell her face to face how I feel. The dream-me and real-me both feel worse afterward though. I don't know why. Sometimes it feels like she walked away fine while I had to pick up the torn pieces of friendship.

  By the dictionary standards, I've failed several times in the respect of forgiveness. But, with all due respect, who the heck wrote that? How do they know what it's like to truly be able to forgive someone? You're going to have to be a pretty perfect person in order to do that.

  How many sleepless nights did they cry in the dark? How many times did they feel like a useless human being because someone they thought they could trust decided to hurt them, betray them?

  How do they know how to truly forgive?

  I found clips from this episode from Girl Meets World yesterday. (Disclaimer: I don't own the clip at the end of this section, or the copy-write to the show.) But here's the story, spoilers included. Maya Heart, Riley's best friend in the show, is one of the strongest characters I've ever seen on this generation's Disney Channel. Her father left her and her mom when she was around 5. They've just been getting by since. Throughout the show, each friend goes through some hardships and each stands by the other. This episode was about Forgiveness as well.

  Each kid was asked to pick someone to forgive. Then they had to successfully and genuinely do so. Watch the full episode like I did after this to get the full effect. But the message of this part is so powerful. It's right after she confronts her dad and finds out why he left. He asks her for her forgiveness, as he's changed, but she goes back inside and this is what happens:

  It's so important to forgive yourself. You can't move on if it still keeps hurting you. It could be buried away and you don't know it's there. Believe me, I know. I hit rock bottom and I didn't know that this was possible until I had. I really really hope others don't have to do that to know this.

  That's why I love Good Will Hunting so much. (spoilers and Disclaimer on the video at the end) This kid, Will Hunting, was abused, hurt, and eventually pushed away anyone who could help him. Until one guy, Shawn, took the challenge and stayed. He got Will to forgive himself, because all that pain, all that hurt was not his fault. And he'd believed it for so long, that, well, watch.

  Whatever you believe, whatever you think about yourself, there are other people out there who do care. Find someone to help you forgive yourself. Because it's gonna hurt real bad until you do.

  I know now that this whole deal with Carmen wasn't my fault. Yes, I got mad. Yes, I pushed. But she didn't have to hurt me like that. She didn't have to say those things. She chose to talk behind my back, she chose to lie. It can't be all my fault for everything that happened.

  Sorry this was so long. But if you know someone, or it's you yourself, who was or is in my position, help them. Or find help yourself. It hurts, but you have to find a way to heal. People say "Forgive and forget." I can never forget. I've tried, believe me. Forgive? It'll come.

  Someday, my forgiveness to Carmen will be genuine. Someday, there will be peace.

  Remember to watch that episode and/or the movie. Maybe those will help, too. I'll talk to all of you again tomorrow.

-Kayla

Fear

   Hey, guys.

   Fear stinks. It's paralyzing, it doesn't have mercy. It takes hold and is hard to shake off. I hate being scared.
   I hate not knowing what's going on. With myself. If one of my friends is hurt or in trouble. Or if it's my family in that position. Anything.

   I don't know what's going to happen in the next week or so. I'm going to cry. A lot. I'm going to have to say goodbye to my friends, though I'll probably be seeing them again in the future and not long after, too.
   Saying goodbye's scary, especially when the people you're saying it to mean so much to you. And you never know if it'll be for the last time. Like when I last saw Carmen in person. Like the birthday call from my grandfather on my birthday, two days before he passed away.
   Sometimes you do know it'll be the last time. Like when we had to put Jade down. That still hurts.

   I don't want to say goodbye. I don't think I can. Because goodbye is too final. Goodbye is too painful. And my friends deserve more than that from me.
   I don't know what I will say in the coming weeks. But I hope when I do, I won't be afraid anymore.

-Kayla

Thoughts in my Head

   Hey Everyone!

   Well, yesterday was interesting. All perky in the morning, but then something happened and I went downhill in the afternoon. Dunno what happened! Suddenly I was imagining meetings with Carmen and those were awful. Plus that nasty voice in my head decided to pitch in as well. Least it's gone today and I don't plan on it coming back. :P
   You wanna know what I love? Getting super long emails from my friends when I wake up in the morning, especially after a bad night. Now, that's a bit contrary for me to say, since I hate not getting answers as soon as possible when I'm in a bad mood. But see, that's the thing. It doesn't matter when I get the email. Not really. Because I love just getting them. I think that the only reason it bothers me so much then is because I want to get out of the bad spell ASAP. Plus, that nasty voice is a big pain in the butt.
   Still, after last night, I liked getting emails from my friends. One replied right after and this morning I got two super long emails from another. Getting messages from both was super great. Writing the emails in the first place helped a good deal, then getting the emails were even better!

   Now, to get to what I actually wanted to talk about. With those emails, I realized the best message. It's pretty similar to what Dare to Believe, Belief is Powerful, Going Against the Grain, and a few other entries I've written.
   That voice last night tried to degrade who I was as a person. Who I really am. Who I'm proud to be. So in the email I wrote, I fought back. Maybe not as well as I wanted to, because I couldn't remember the right words. But here's what my friend Violet helped to remind me.

   I'm quirky, I'm small, I'm weird, and that's okay. I am who I am. No one can replace who I am. If I'm not good enough for someone else, that's their loss. And I'm good enough for my friends, weirdness and all.
   I may not be super-model gorgeous. I may not fit in the social grain. I may not be 'normal'. But who cares? I'm decently smart, intelligent in more things than I'd first think of. I'm skilled in a fair amount of things. Maybe I'm not perfect, but I'm fantastic as I am. That's why I hate my bad spells and my friends do, too. Because that's not me. It's that nasty little voice taking over.

   And, of course, I've got a great song to go with today. Well, there's a ton of my favorite songs I could choose for today, but I decided with a recent favorite. Course, disclaimer: I don't it or the copy-write, all that. Now, this is from Wicked, that Broadway musical. Idina Menzel sings in this (she was Elsa's voice in Frozen).
   I love this play actually because of my favorite trilogy 'The School for Good and Evil'. The author mentioned that it was partial inspiration for him like some other things for the series. I'd heard of Wicked before, managed to find the whole show somehow, and then watched it. Like 'The School for Good and Evil' became one of my favorite series, this became one of my favorite songs, mostly for the same reason (won't tell you what reason, make your own opinions first!). Check out both the books and this song!

-Kayla