Flip-flopped Thoughts

   Hey, everyone. I know I haven't been all there with the posts recently. Mostly in the fact that they aren't everyday anymore. I'm trying, I really am. Stupid stuff keeps coming up, like my computer overheating or suddenly having to go on a cleaning spree just to find one thing. Stuff like that.

   I just need a break. Not even really on one right now. Starting to type this at midnight because a pain in my arm is keeping me awake. I think I pulled a muscle earlier. Actually kind of difficult to type a little. I'll probably finish tomorrow at some point, publish it then.
   Seriously though, I'm on mental shutdown. I've had a ton of social interaction these past several weeks, different than the usual. See, I'm fine when it becomes a pattern, same stuff all the time. But if it's all sporadic and varying levels of comfort depending on the people I'm with, it gets exhausting. I've had from full weeks of interactions with different groups (people I do know and then others I didn't) to maybe one or two days where I didn't and had that for all the days around and between. Can you blame me for skipping out on one today (well, yesterday)?

    I'm so tired. Gonna save this for tomorrow. See ya in some hours. :)

    And I'm back. Better now than I was last night. One thing though, all that stuff is all still relevant. Still kind of bothersome to me, even if I don't say much about it.
    It's like when girls are in that cycle of the month. For some reason, anything brought up then is just under the category of "it doesn't matter" automatically. Doesn't matter if it's the same problem every month, it's typically ignored.
   I hate that. So many times that's happened to me, when I try to talk about my feelings. I've probably already said at some point that, when on a high emotional level, my natural response is to cry. I can't talk at all when that happens, so I'll write. Actually, I'll type more often than not. It isn't preferred, but it works.
    I will say one thing, it does get more out. I'll send emails to my friends, knowing that they'll see it. Sometimes I don't want them to. But if someone doesn't know, if I "bottle it all up", no one likes that.

   "Bottle it all up." I don't like that term. I've been told not to do that, talk to someone when I'm bothered. Problem is, there's barely ever a "proper" moment. Say it out of the blue, it's not right because "why are you holding grudges?" Say it in the argument, it's just a part of the emotions and not really considered further than that. When do you actually talk about anything with an emotional charge, even if the emotion is gone at the time?
   Least I have my friends, who help a great deal. Even if they don't reply all the time, or I know that they're busy, they'll still see my messages. Somehow that's calming. I know that I've gotten something out. It's still in my memory, yeah. But I have people I can talk to, people who listen.

    It's still hard. But I've gotten loads better these past weeks. The huge amount of social interaction I mentioned earlier has taken it's toll, but when I can take a break, when I'm alone with my thoughts, it's not as scary anymore.
    I'm not hurting as much anymore.
    Has it gone away completely? Probably not. I don't think it ever will. Found out that the anxiety, like my depression, was genetically passed down as well. Just that I have it. My past experiences pushed it into the social aspects of my life. Mostly having to do with friends and not being heard.

   But that's all changed. I have friends who'll forever be in my heart. Even though we're parting ways, they'll still be with me. And through their example and encouragement, I'm getting the courage for the new friends I'm making for the next step of my life. Not the courage in making friends. I've always had that, at least when I've had a good vibe about the person.
   It's the courage that I'll be able to keep them. New friends, and old.

-Kayla