Hey, everyone,
Two posts in one week? Holy cow! I'm on a roll! But seriously, I have a bit more serious stuff to cover. Not that everything else addressed hasn't been serious recently, but... I'm going to address something I should have made a better understanding of in my last posts.
Now, I've mentioned in my other posts, I'm only "out" to a few people. And those people I've done my best to tell personally. Or in some roundabout way like, like in this blog, for a few. However, things like being a demisexual bisexual non-binary person is a little bit hard for some people I know to be accepting of. Either that or they'll bombard me with questions that I don't have answers to yet. I mean, I only just accepted to myself that I was non-binary almost three weeks ago now.
So, among the people not in the know about any little part of it, or at least of me not telling them myself in any way shape or form, are my entire family (immediate and extended) and even some of my friends. This is because there are two things that could happen in either or both of these groups of people:
1) I could be cast out/disowned/whatever.
2) They won't understand and try to "change" me.
Because one thing I've been learning is that not everyone accepts you right away. Or they say they do, but... Things get said to others who shouldn't have known about any of that in the first place! I've had that happen to me and it didn't even have to do with being LGBT+. So I'm kind of happy I'm not friends with those specific people anymore because I know this secret I have wouldn't be for long. Either that or they would talk behind my back about it.
Yes, I'm talking about Carmen and Nora. Honestly, I wavered. A lot. I didn't know if I could trust them after that and part of me still wanted to. Heck, who am I kidding? Sometimes I still want the closeness of being able to confide things without judgment. That's probably why it hurt so much when I learned not even that was existent between us. They talked behind my back between themselves first, then later I hear from a third party that they knew about things that they couldn't have heard about except from either of those two. And the difference was, now I knew which one was involved with the more recent stuff. So yeah, they're both now kicked out of my life. A lot of wavering between that time, but it's done.
Although, one of them knows this blog exists. So if they're still reading it, read this since this is the only way I'm going to talk to you: If this leaks, I know it was you. I don't know what I'd do about it, but whatever shred of remaining trust I have will be gone forever. And if that doesn't matter? Well, actually, I feel sorry for any of your current friends. And especially for you.
Sorry, guys. I just reeeally have a problem with anyone saying something to someone else that's none of the third party's business. I talk about what happened here and to other friends in college because on here, I've changed names and I don't tell what exactly happened. I don't say what words were said, what they told me in confidence. Do I talk about what happened to me and how I found out about what they said and who told me? Yes. Because that was me directly being involved. Now, friends from college? Yeah, they know details. But that's because I know there's a 95% chance they'll never meet these two in person or otherwise (the other 5% is because I have rotten luck and apologize for it in advance).
Now, I have told a few other people who also know the other two, but I also trust these people far more to not talk. I know I can trust them, unlike the other two. And I know that no matter what I say, they'll make their own opinions of the two. I honestly don't care who's friends with who. As long as no one is getting hurt, things like that don't bother me. (And if it does bother me even a little, I ignore it because it's still none of my business who others are friends with.)
Honestly, neither of them probably read this because I made it clear at the beginning I was going to make this more faith-based. I'm planning on bringing that more to the forefront again, I promise. My personal connection to faith kind of faded to the background (kind of? not really? I'll explain in another post) for a time, but I've been getting better now and so has my faith/prayer life. Mostly it's just hard bringing it up on a blog since that's the most personal part of my life that not even my boyfriend knows what goes on sometimes unless I tell him. Like, I tell him more than most, but the time between God and me is between us.
Anyway, the bottom line to this uber long post (sorry bout that), if someone is in the LGBT+ community and they tell you that and you know they're keeping quiet about it to at least one person or more, don't tell anyone else. Okay? That's just decency.
I know for me, coming out is something I like doing personally because then I'm right there and it's not as big a lash-back as someone finding out through the grapevine. Like my family. They'd probably be super hurt to find out through someone else about all this. And I'm going to tell them, eventually. I just want to do it right when I can actually answer questions about it.
Also when I'm more positive they won't judge me for it. One thing I've found among anyone is that a surprising amount of people seem to take it as a personal offence when I'm not matching the image or idea of me that they've decided I am. I don't know why, but until I do or I know who does, I'm still not "out of the closet" yet. Half in, half out.
But it's my choice, and right, to come out when I'm ready. Not when someone else decides I should be.
Well, that was a long one and serious and venting, but in my next one, I'm planning on talking more about being non-binary. And looking back on some of my old posts about expressing yourself from oh so long ago to see how different I was then from now.
I'll be back again soon. See yah!
-Kayla
Showing posts with label Faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Faith. Show all posts
Saturday, August 4, 2018
Saturday, June 23, 2018
Pride Month: A Different Perspective
What's up everybody!! It's Violet again. I haven't been on here in about 6000 years, I'm aware. I've been meaning to post for quite some time but I never could figure out what exactly to post about. Nothing came to me, though I spent many a night in front of a blank screen, waiting for the muse to strike.
Last night, though, that beautiful human being known as Kayla posted a blog that inspired me tenfold. Well, maybe that's the wrong word, but here we are so what else can I call it?
Basically, as you probably know, Kayla is bi. I've known that for months now, and as you can see we're still close friends. But what you might not know is that Kayla and I have vastly different views on some things, one of which is sexuality. Now, we've been friends for just about 8 years now, and we know each other just about as well as anyone can know anyone, so something like this doesn't have too big an effect on our friendship. However, the secret to keeping our friendship so strong is that we're always open and honest with each other, and when I talked to Kayla about some concerns I had about her post, she very generously and graciously invited me to make my own post about the subject. Sort of give both sides of the argument if you will.
I thought that was a fantastic idea, and I'm extremely grateful to her for suggesting it. It takes a special kind of person to allow and even encourage open debate on her own blog about a subject which is difficult and very sensitive, in general and especially to her personally. So before I begin, I want to extend a huge thank you to Kayla. Thanks for being such an incredible human being. (Or as we Oliver Woods of the world would say, a real baller.)
With that said, let's get into it!
As I've mentioned before, I'm Catholic. I take my faith very seriously and it's honestly the most important thing in my life. Most people know that Catholics don't believe in gay marriage, so it seems obvious to say that I don't agree with the way Kayla and basically everyone else in America sees marriage and sexuality. What most people don't know, though, is why Catholics don't believe in gay marriage and why we think living a gay lifestyle is wrong, or even what the Church says about it. Most of the time when I talk to normal people about it, or when I watch tv or read things online that talk about it, I think there's sort of a caricature of Church teaching presented, and the actual teaching of the Church is quite different from what most people think it is. This isn't going to be a theological or philosophical thesis or anything, but I think it's important to present to you exactly what my Church teaches about homosexuality.
Catholics think that having sex with someone of your own gender, or actively and willingly entertaining sexual thoughts about someone of your own gender, is a sin. Why? Because these actions are against the natural law, and against the very essence of what marriage and sexuality are intended for. Let me attempt to explain.
Most people in the modern world see marriage basically as a declaration of love and promise of fidelity to your boyfriend or girlfriend. A way to really make the relationship official. A lot of people think it's unnecessary or outdated, "just a piece of paper." Sex is something fun that two consenting adults can do, either to show their love for one another, or just for the hell of it, depending on the people and the situation. As long as you both consent, it's fine, and you don't need to be married to do it. If you do it with the same person enough times, and like doing it, you might marry them. Marriage is nice, we think, but the vows we make aren't unbreakable. And the point of marriage is basically to spend the rest of your life with the person you love. Well, until you fall out of love with them.
Catholics have a slightly different view of marriage and sex. For us, it's something sacred. When two people get married, they are promising each other that they will remain faithful to each other, whatever happens, until death. They're promising to be together for their entire life. We believe that these marriage vows, if taken with full consent of both parties, can never be broken. We're allowed to divorce in cases of abuse or infidelity, but we aren't allowed to get married again without an annulment, which you can only get if a valid marriage never happened in the first place. For us it's an unbreakable vow of love and fidelity, no matter what.
That's a huge promise to make to someone. And why are we asked to make that promise? That is to say, what's the point of marriage?
Well, there are two purposes (what we call "ends") to marriage. One is what we call the unitive end. This refers to the love between the husband and wife, which mirrors the love between Christ and the Church. This is what it means when we say that husband and wife shall become one flesh. Basically, the point is for them to help each other get to heaven. It's not a selfish love, it's a sacrificial love. It's all those little things you do for your husband or wife, the tiny sacrifices you make to keep your marriage strong. It's called the unitive end because the two of you are one in your goal to get to heaven, and one in your love for each other.
The other end, the primary end, is what we call the procreative end. This refers to the most fun part of marriage- kids! And this is something that is so often missed by so many people. Everything about marriage is geared toward the creation and education of children. It's all about creating the best possible environment for children, bringing them into the world and then raising them to be good people.
As for sex, it serves both the ends of marriage. It's an expression of love that brings the husband and wife closer together than they can be with any other person. The two of them literally become one flesh. Here is where it gets really insane. Remember how I said marriage was sacred? Think about this; in marriage, a husband and wife get to participate in a sacred mystery- the mystery of creation. Their love reflects that of God for the Church. It also reflects the love between the persons of the Holy Trinity. And from their love, new human beings are able to be created and formed. This is the whole point of marriage, and if you miss it you're missing out on the most beautiful part of marriage and romantic love.
By its very nature, and by that I mean literally the way it works, sex is designed to be between a man and woman. Our bodies are complementary to each other, just as our souls are. This is what makes marriage so strong, but it's also what makes sex between a man and a man or a woman and a woman contradictory to natural law. Our bodies literally aren't designed for that to work.
Sex is also inevitably designed for procreation. Again, look at the mechanics of it. The whole point of it is for new life to be created.The point of sex isn't pleasure, although that comes along with it. It isn't even love, although that's an important part of it. The very essence of it is that it unifies a man and a woman, and that it creates new life. We find ways around these things, but they are artificial.
This is why Catholics can never accept gay marriage, birth control or divorce as legitimate, as I hope you can now understand. By doing so we would be saying that marriage isn't what we know it to be, and that sex isn't for what we know it is for. It would be affirming a lie as the truth, and we cannot do that, no matter how hard it might be to hold the positions we hold in the world we live in.
But just because you're LGBT+ doesn't mean we hate you. We understand, some of us firsthand, that LGBT+ people don't choose to be that way. That doesn't mean we believe God wants you to be that way, or that we even know why He allows you to; it only means we acknowledge that we are all broken and flawed in different ways and we don't always choose the areas in which we struggle.
Honestly, I don't know why God allows people to be gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender, any more than I understand why He allows people to be anxious or depressed, or why He allows us to struggle with addiction or sexual deviance or any other host of things. Why does one person struggle with something, but not another? None of us know the answer to that question. All we can do is live our lives according to His will as best we can.
It's difficult. Sometimes it feels impossible. But it's not. I know that through personal experience of things Kayla knows about but I am not ready to share publicly.
I wish this could've been a more personal post, but I felt that it was important to get this out there. I love that Kayla has made a place here where both sides can be presented.
So, in conclusion, thank you to anyone who bore with me and to all people out there who might stumble across this, you are loved in a special way by God and I love you too <3 Stay strong and never give up!
Love, Violet
Last night, though, that beautiful human being known as Kayla posted a blog that inspired me tenfold. Well, maybe that's the wrong word, but here we are so what else can I call it?
Basically, as you probably know, Kayla is bi. I've known that for months now, and as you can see we're still close friends. But what you might not know is that Kayla and I have vastly different views on some things, one of which is sexuality. Now, we've been friends for just about 8 years now, and we know each other just about as well as anyone can know anyone, so something like this doesn't have too big an effect on our friendship. However, the secret to keeping our friendship so strong is that we're always open and honest with each other, and when I talked to Kayla about some concerns I had about her post, she very generously and graciously invited me to make my own post about the subject. Sort of give both sides of the argument if you will.
I thought that was a fantastic idea, and I'm extremely grateful to her for suggesting it. It takes a special kind of person to allow and even encourage open debate on her own blog about a subject which is difficult and very sensitive, in general and especially to her personally. So before I begin, I want to extend a huge thank you to Kayla. Thanks for being such an incredible human being. (Or as we Oliver Woods of the world would say, a real baller.)
With that said, let's get into it!
As I've mentioned before, I'm Catholic. I take my faith very seriously and it's honestly the most important thing in my life. Most people know that Catholics don't believe in gay marriage, so it seems obvious to say that I don't agree with the way Kayla and basically everyone else in America sees marriage and sexuality. What most people don't know, though, is why Catholics don't believe in gay marriage and why we think living a gay lifestyle is wrong, or even what the Church says about it. Most of the time when I talk to normal people about it, or when I watch tv or read things online that talk about it, I think there's sort of a caricature of Church teaching presented, and the actual teaching of the Church is quite different from what most people think it is. This isn't going to be a theological or philosophical thesis or anything, but I think it's important to present to you exactly what my Church teaches about homosexuality.
Catholics think that having sex with someone of your own gender, or actively and willingly entertaining sexual thoughts about someone of your own gender, is a sin. Why? Because these actions are against the natural law, and against the very essence of what marriage and sexuality are intended for. Let me attempt to explain.
Most people in the modern world see marriage basically as a declaration of love and promise of fidelity to your boyfriend or girlfriend. A way to really make the relationship official. A lot of people think it's unnecessary or outdated, "just a piece of paper." Sex is something fun that two consenting adults can do, either to show their love for one another, or just for the hell of it, depending on the people and the situation. As long as you both consent, it's fine, and you don't need to be married to do it. If you do it with the same person enough times, and like doing it, you might marry them. Marriage is nice, we think, but the vows we make aren't unbreakable. And the point of marriage is basically to spend the rest of your life with the person you love. Well, until you fall out of love with them.
Catholics have a slightly different view of marriage and sex. For us, it's something sacred. When two people get married, they are promising each other that they will remain faithful to each other, whatever happens, until death. They're promising to be together for their entire life. We believe that these marriage vows, if taken with full consent of both parties, can never be broken. We're allowed to divorce in cases of abuse or infidelity, but we aren't allowed to get married again without an annulment, which you can only get if a valid marriage never happened in the first place. For us it's an unbreakable vow of love and fidelity, no matter what.
That's a huge promise to make to someone. And why are we asked to make that promise? That is to say, what's the point of marriage?
Well, there are two purposes (what we call "ends") to marriage. One is what we call the unitive end. This refers to the love between the husband and wife, which mirrors the love between Christ and the Church. This is what it means when we say that husband and wife shall become one flesh. Basically, the point is for them to help each other get to heaven. It's not a selfish love, it's a sacrificial love. It's all those little things you do for your husband or wife, the tiny sacrifices you make to keep your marriage strong. It's called the unitive end because the two of you are one in your goal to get to heaven, and one in your love for each other.
The other end, the primary end, is what we call the procreative end. This refers to the most fun part of marriage- kids! And this is something that is so often missed by so many people. Everything about marriage is geared toward the creation and education of children. It's all about creating the best possible environment for children, bringing them into the world and then raising them to be good people.
As for sex, it serves both the ends of marriage. It's an expression of love that brings the husband and wife closer together than they can be with any other person. The two of them literally become one flesh. Here is where it gets really insane. Remember how I said marriage was sacred? Think about this; in marriage, a husband and wife get to participate in a sacred mystery- the mystery of creation. Their love reflects that of God for the Church. It also reflects the love between the persons of the Holy Trinity. And from their love, new human beings are able to be created and formed. This is the whole point of marriage, and if you miss it you're missing out on the most beautiful part of marriage and romantic love.
By its very nature, and by that I mean literally the way it works, sex is designed to be between a man and woman. Our bodies are complementary to each other, just as our souls are. This is what makes marriage so strong, but it's also what makes sex between a man and a man or a woman and a woman contradictory to natural law. Our bodies literally aren't designed for that to work.
Sex is also inevitably designed for procreation. Again, look at the mechanics of it. The whole point of it is for new life to be created.The point of sex isn't pleasure, although that comes along with it. It isn't even love, although that's an important part of it. The very essence of it is that it unifies a man and a woman, and that it creates new life. We find ways around these things, but they are artificial.
This is why Catholics can never accept gay marriage, birth control or divorce as legitimate, as I hope you can now understand. By doing so we would be saying that marriage isn't what we know it to be, and that sex isn't for what we know it is for. It would be affirming a lie as the truth, and we cannot do that, no matter how hard it might be to hold the positions we hold in the world we live in.
But just because you're LGBT+ doesn't mean we hate you. We understand, some of us firsthand, that LGBT+ people don't choose to be that way. That doesn't mean we believe God wants you to be that way, or that we even know why He allows you to; it only means we acknowledge that we are all broken and flawed in different ways and we don't always choose the areas in which we struggle.
Honestly, I don't know why God allows people to be gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender, any more than I understand why He allows people to be anxious or depressed, or why He allows us to struggle with addiction or sexual deviance or any other host of things. Why does one person struggle with something, but not another? None of us know the answer to that question. All we can do is live our lives according to His will as best we can.
It's difficult. Sometimes it feels impossible. But it's not. I know that through personal experience of things Kayla knows about but I am not ready to share publicly.
I wish this could've been a more personal post, but I felt that it was important to get this out there. I love that Kayla has made a place here where both sides can be presented.
So, in conclusion, thank you to anyone who bore with me and to all people out there who might stumble across this, you are loved in a special way by God and I love you too <3 Stay strong and never give up!
Love, Violet
Pride Month As a Queer Christian
Heyo, everyone!
So, for the first time in a while, I'm actually lightheartedly remembering to write a post. Whoo-hoo!
Anyway, so, at some point or another I'm going to create videos for that YouTube channel. Trust me, I'm working on it. It's just taking a while because I need to make videos when I've got a lot of alone time. Meaning, I have to wait until my family is out of the house.
Why's that? Well, other than the depression and anxiety and ADHD talks which they don't know as much about, they also don't know I'm bi. Demi? I have no clue, honestly. The labels are so confusing.
Like, I know I like guys. That's always been apparent to me. Liking girls was too, but it was really hard to acknowledge that because I repressed it for so long. Why I did that will be explained in a moment. Now, the other thing is, I'm still figuring out the sexual attraction thing...
So, there are all these people out there that are "good looking." That always was just like, "Um, okay." in my thoughts. Physical appearance didn't do much for me. Still doesn't really, not on most people. More so now than it used to be, but I don't know if that's age and hormones or society and peer pressure from high school. Possibly both. Anyway, you know, sex and stuff like that will probably be nice, seeing how much I enjoy kissing my boyfriend (which he'll probably tease me about once he sees this). But it's still not really that important to me. I find cuddling and things like that with Felix way more enjoyable than kissing sometimes.
From all this, I know I'm bisexual (liking two different genders) and also demisexual (being sexually attracted to someone after a strong emotional connection). But am I also like, ace or something? Like, I know there's one out there where sexual attraction doesn't really matter. Well, I mean, more that they don't care for sex, don't really need it to be happy. Or just don't want it.
It's all really confusing. Sometimes I wish I hadn't gone to Catholic school, not really for any other reason than that maybe I could have figured this out sooner. That I could be happier with who I am, sexually. It wasn't until junior year I started hearing about more sexualities and orientations than just being gay or trans. Then in college I relaxed enough and became more confident, meeting more people who were accepting of me as a person, plus more of the LGBT+ community, which made me realize "Wow, I really am bi." Seriously, I was just sitting a few months ago, contemplating life like I do sometimes, when it hit me like a brick. I'm bi!
Right after that, I messaged Felix, because I was so confused. There were so many things that could be wrong with that. Acceptance being the main one. Like, I'm a Methodist who went to Catholic schools for 14 years and a Christian college that has mixed acceptance of the LGBT+ community. Anything in the LGBT+ community was frowned upon. So who could I tell, who could I trust? I didn't think anyone would hate me, but I didn't want them to treat me differently. It was hard enough finding friends who were okay with my mental illnesses. Were they going to be okay with me being queer, too?
I got really lucky, in the range of people knowing and not telling others or judging poorly me for it. So far, out of my friends, six people know now. Maybe seven, if one read my blog. I sent them a link to this a month or two ago, saying, hey, I write this blog, you should check it out. It was kind of my roundabout way of telling her, because I know I can trust her, I just didn't know how she might react.
Seriously, round about talking is pretty much the only way I seem to be able to come out. Like, after Felix, I told maybe one more person straight (*silently laughs*) out. Then I started discussions with two friends to see where they stood and told them after when I'd built up the courage. Although, I'm not sure if I told one straight (*silently laughs more*) out. But she reads this blog, too, so if I haven't told you, I'm sorry! But she did help, too, so I'm very grateful to that. With the other friends, I sent Thomas Sanders pictures to one in a group chat (the others in it already knew) and then to another I related myself to a tv show character that all the fans have deemed bisexual (he is, though, it's only a matter of time before he realizes it).
Any other personal friends of mine who still read this blog: Please, please, please, don't tell anyone. Talk to me directly, don't ask anyone else. My family doesn't even know yet and I want to be the one to tell people I'm bi/demi/queer. That's my thing.
At some point, I'll come out to everyone. I've stated before that this blog is under a pen name of mine. So while I'm coming out here, on my other social media, I'm still "straight" in most everyone's eyes. Honestly, I'm debating waiting until I'm married so that the backlash isn't as bad. I mean, no one can really say anything when that happens.
But I freaking swear, if someone thinks I'll cheat on Felix just cause I'm bi, s*** is hitting the fan. Whoever came up with that pathetic warped view makes me seriously annoyed.
Anyway, here are some videos I've been watching recently that have been helping me feel more content with myself. Because like I said before, being a Christian and queer is tough. But one quote from one of these videos stuck to me: "The fact is, God made me this way. I find it hard to believe He'd create me just to hate me."
Just because I'm bi/demi/queer, it doesn't mean I can't be happy being me. No matter what, It's important that I'm proud of who I am. And you should be, too. And that includes anyone else who's not in the LGBT+ community as well. We all need to be proud of who we are.
I hope this helps anyone else out there! Whatever happens, it's okay. You're not alone. And whether you know or don't or questioning or whatever, it'll be okay. No one knows you better than you know you.
I'll be back soon! See you in the next post.
-Kayla
So, for the first time in a while, I'm actually lightheartedly remembering to write a post. Whoo-hoo!
Anyway, so, at some point or another I'm going to create videos for that YouTube channel. Trust me, I'm working on it. It's just taking a while because I need to make videos when I've got a lot of alone time. Meaning, I have to wait until my family is out of the house.
Why's that? Well, other than the depression and anxiety and ADHD talks which they don't know as much about, they also don't know I'm bi. Demi? I have no clue, honestly. The labels are so confusing.
Like, I know I like guys. That's always been apparent to me. Liking girls was too, but it was really hard to acknowledge that because I repressed it for so long. Why I did that will be explained in a moment. Now, the other thing is, I'm still figuring out the sexual attraction thing...
So, there are all these people out there that are "good looking." That always was just like, "Um, okay." in my thoughts. Physical appearance didn't do much for me. Still doesn't really, not on most people. More so now than it used to be, but I don't know if that's age and hormones or society and peer pressure from high school. Possibly both. Anyway, you know, sex and stuff like that will probably be nice, seeing how much I enjoy kissing my boyfriend (which he'll probably tease me about once he sees this). But it's still not really that important to me. I find cuddling and things like that with Felix way more enjoyable than kissing sometimes.
From all this, I know I'm bisexual (liking two different genders) and also demisexual (being sexually attracted to someone after a strong emotional connection). But am I also like, ace or something? Like, I know there's one out there where sexual attraction doesn't really matter. Well, I mean, more that they don't care for sex, don't really need it to be happy. Or just don't want it.
It's all really confusing. Sometimes I wish I hadn't gone to Catholic school, not really for any other reason than that maybe I could have figured this out sooner. That I could be happier with who I am, sexually. It wasn't until junior year I started hearing about more sexualities and orientations than just being gay or trans. Then in college I relaxed enough and became more confident, meeting more people who were accepting of me as a person, plus more of the LGBT+ community, which made me realize "Wow, I really am bi." Seriously, I was just sitting a few months ago, contemplating life like I do sometimes, when it hit me like a brick. I'm bi!
Right after that, I messaged Felix, because I was so confused. There were so many things that could be wrong with that. Acceptance being the main one. Like, I'm a Methodist who went to Catholic schools for 14 years and a Christian college that has mixed acceptance of the LGBT+ community. Anything in the LGBT+ community was frowned upon. So who could I tell, who could I trust? I didn't think anyone would hate me, but I didn't want them to treat me differently. It was hard enough finding friends who were okay with my mental illnesses. Were they going to be okay with me being queer, too?
I got really lucky, in the range of people knowing and not telling others or judging poorly me for it. So far, out of my friends, six people know now. Maybe seven, if one read my blog. I sent them a link to this a month or two ago, saying, hey, I write this blog, you should check it out. It was kind of my roundabout way of telling her, because I know I can trust her, I just didn't know how she might react.
Seriously, round about talking is pretty much the only way I seem to be able to come out. Like, after Felix, I told maybe one more person straight (*silently laughs*) out. Then I started discussions with two friends to see where they stood and told them after when I'd built up the courage. Although, I'm not sure if I told one straight (*silently laughs more*) out. But she reads this blog, too, so if I haven't told you, I'm sorry! But she did help, too, so I'm very grateful to that. With the other friends, I sent Thomas Sanders pictures to one in a group chat (the others in it already knew) and then to another I related myself to a tv show character that all the fans have deemed bisexual (he is, though, it's only a matter of time before he realizes it).
Any other personal friends of mine who still read this blog: Please, please, please, don't tell anyone. Talk to me directly, don't ask anyone else. My family doesn't even know yet and I want to be the one to tell people I'm bi/demi/queer. That's my thing.
At some point, I'll come out to everyone. I've stated before that this blog is under a pen name of mine. So while I'm coming out here, on my other social media, I'm still "straight" in most everyone's eyes. Honestly, I'm debating waiting until I'm married so that the backlash isn't as bad. I mean, no one can really say anything when that happens.
But I freaking swear, if someone thinks I'll cheat on Felix just cause I'm bi, s*** is hitting the fan. Whoever came up with that pathetic warped view makes me seriously annoyed.
Anyway, here are some videos I've been watching recently that have been helping me feel more content with myself. Because like I said before, being a Christian and queer is tough. But one quote from one of these videos stuck to me: "The fact is, God made me this way. I find it hard to believe He'd create me just to hate me."
Just because I'm bi/demi/queer, it doesn't mean I can't be happy being me. No matter what, It's important that I'm proud of who I am. And you should be, too. And that includes anyone else who's not in the LGBT+ community as well. We all need to be proud of who we are.
I hope this helps anyone else out there! Whatever happens, it's okay. You're not alone. And whether you know or don't or questioning or whatever, it'll be okay. No one knows you better than you know you.
I'll be back soon! See you in the next post.
-Kayla
Wednesday, March 15, 2017
My Story
This has been a long time coming, both in posting and in telling this. This being my story.
I'll start by saying that all the names here I use are fictional. This is to keep others mentioned here private and to protect my own privacy. I started out that way and will continue to do so. The story and people, however, are very much true and real.
I'm still a Christian girl, that is very true. I do have depression and anxiety, though those have lessened considerably since my last post.
I started this when I was in high school and into college. For my senior year, while most everyone else had a good time, mine was less. Though this was mostly in my own mind, as far as anyone else could see.
The summer before was not great. I was losing a friend as she transferred schools and feared I may lose another as the summer wore on. This is when I finally realized and admitted I had depression and social anxiety.
Things got better when we came back to school, as I still had a small support system and my other friend had not left. But then everything just started going downhill as the stress of getting ready for college set in.
It was still relatively normal as we came into a new calendar year. Just as I started to get better again, finally being able to reach out to Carmen, the friend who'd left, everything collapsed.
I got blown off time and again whenever I'd try to figure out when something was wrong with one of my friends who'd stayed. I won't say which, for privacy. I also got brushed aside when I'd try to contact Carmen sometimes. Nothing made sense to me and I didn't know what was going on.
So, finally, I snapped. I confronted both friends when we were on break and told them to prove that I meant something to them or our friendship was over. That was when I found out from one that the two had talked behind my back on at least two occasions. She was very apologetic and I forgave her, of course. I did with Carmen as well, but that was not why our friendship shattered.
I broke off my friendship with Carmen because I could see to her, I was just a cast-away friend. I didn't mean much to her in the first place, so I didn't expect that to change after I found out something like this. She even said that she didn't even care and told me not to contact her again.
I did a few times, though. Not via phone as I had before. Once through another friend to tell her I forgave her. The reply to that wasn't the nicest, with Carmen saying that she felt she'd done nothing wrong and that we should just leave our friendship as a memory. Well, that's what I can remember of her emailed reply.
That was what hurt the most. Having someone I'd confided in ripped away from me like that. It was like losing Jade, but worse. I knew I shouldn't have trusted Carmen from the start, but I did anyway because I was a kind person. I saw she needed some friends, so I reached out and became one. I proceeded to trust her with other memories that lead to my social anxiety, considering her to be one of my closest friends.
How could it not feel like I was being stabbed in the chest when she told me that I'd never opened up to her?
Whether she meant to or not, that was one of the big factors that came to my darkest day. When I was so tired and upset and hurt that I told myself that if I died then, no one would notice or care. The day when I wanted nothing more than to end my own life.
I don't know completely how I snapped out of it, except something very personal that made me stronger in my faith. But I'm here now and that's why I started this blog.
I wanted to do something, give hope for others so that maybe they would find something to hold onto in a dark day. Something where I would bring a little more light than dark in this broken world.
I did reach out to Carmen again a week later, sending one last email to tell her exactly what I thought about hers. And I saw her in person some months later along with reaching out to her on FB after I found out she'd been bullied. I think I wrote about those last reach-outs in past posts.
Since coming to college, I have had a few more days where I want to re-enact that day. Though the urge was less intense, it was still strong. So, I did start counseling and made a really great support group of my new friends, along with keeping some of the old. Near Christmas, someone jokingly asked if I'd ever wanted to kill myself, to which I gave a calm, but a bit short-tempered, retort continuing the topic that'd been going on before that. I had a near shut down after that, but I was able to talk to a friend through it. Maybe that's what made me snap out of it more, having someone there and not avoiding my fear of that day.
I made a significant increase in getting better as we came into this new year. It's gotten to the point where I may even be ending counseling soon. I've had a rough couple of weeks recently, as that's when most of this story reached its year point. But I've had friends to help me through it and I'm stronger now in myself than I was then. And maybe some of it has to do with the fact I have my boyfriend now. :) (And no, this isn't the guy I was going on about. This one is very sweet and caring and I love him very much. He understands all of this, going through depression and anxiety himself, helping me though rough days as I help him through his. He's my best friend.)
Which is why, I have to ask. Should I continue this blog? Come up with new entries every week and continue? Or should I just leave it up, not adding anymore?
I don't get emails like I used to and not many comments either. Am I really helping or no?
Please reply in some way. I keep everything anonymous and do my very best to never judge a soul. Have I helped in any way with this blog?
I'll come back in a few days, checking my email and everything else until then. I'll decide then the fate of my blog. I'll also put my story on the My Story page for quick analysis.
See you all in a few days.
-Kayla
I'll start by saying that all the names here I use are fictional. This is to keep others mentioned here private and to protect my own privacy. I started out that way and will continue to do so. The story and people, however, are very much true and real.
I'm still a Christian girl, that is very true. I do have depression and anxiety, though those have lessened considerably since my last post.
I started this when I was in high school and into college. For my senior year, while most everyone else had a good time, mine was less. Though this was mostly in my own mind, as far as anyone else could see.
The summer before was not great. I was losing a friend as she transferred schools and feared I may lose another as the summer wore on. This is when I finally realized and admitted I had depression and social anxiety.
Things got better when we came back to school, as I still had a small support system and my other friend had not left. But then everything just started going downhill as the stress of getting ready for college set in.
It was still relatively normal as we came into a new calendar year. Just as I started to get better again, finally being able to reach out to Carmen, the friend who'd left, everything collapsed.
I got blown off time and again whenever I'd try to figure out when something was wrong with one of my friends who'd stayed. I won't say which, for privacy. I also got brushed aside when I'd try to contact Carmen sometimes. Nothing made sense to me and I didn't know what was going on.
So, finally, I snapped. I confronted both friends when we were on break and told them to prove that I meant something to them or our friendship was over. That was when I found out from one that the two had talked behind my back on at least two occasions. She was very apologetic and I forgave her, of course. I did with Carmen as well, but that was not why our friendship shattered.
I broke off my friendship with Carmen because I could see to her, I was just a cast-away friend. I didn't mean much to her in the first place, so I didn't expect that to change after I found out something like this. She even said that she didn't even care and told me not to contact her again.
I did a few times, though. Not via phone as I had before. Once through another friend to tell her I forgave her. The reply to that wasn't the nicest, with Carmen saying that she felt she'd done nothing wrong and that we should just leave our friendship as a memory. Well, that's what I can remember of her emailed reply.
That was what hurt the most. Having someone I'd confided in ripped away from me like that. It was like losing Jade, but worse. I knew I shouldn't have trusted Carmen from the start, but I did anyway because I was a kind person. I saw she needed some friends, so I reached out and became one. I proceeded to trust her with other memories that lead to my social anxiety, considering her to be one of my closest friends.
How could it not feel like I was being stabbed in the chest when she told me that I'd never opened up to her?
Whether she meant to or not, that was one of the big factors that came to my darkest day. When I was so tired and upset and hurt that I told myself that if I died then, no one would notice or care. The day when I wanted nothing more than to end my own life.
I don't know completely how I snapped out of it, except something very personal that made me stronger in my faith. But I'm here now and that's why I started this blog.
I wanted to do something, give hope for others so that maybe they would find something to hold onto in a dark day. Something where I would bring a little more light than dark in this broken world.
I did reach out to Carmen again a week later, sending one last email to tell her exactly what I thought about hers. And I saw her in person some months later along with reaching out to her on FB after I found out she'd been bullied. I think I wrote about those last reach-outs in past posts.
Since coming to college, I have had a few more days where I want to re-enact that day. Though the urge was less intense, it was still strong. So, I did start counseling and made a really great support group of my new friends, along with keeping some of the old. Near Christmas, someone jokingly asked if I'd ever wanted to kill myself, to which I gave a calm, but a bit short-tempered, retort continuing the topic that'd been going on before that. I had a near shut down after that, but I was able to talk to a friend through it. Maybe that's what made me snap out of it more, having someone there and not avoiding my fear of that day.
I made a significant increase in getting better as we came into this new year. It's gotten to the point where I may even be ending counseling soon. I've had a rough couple of weeks recently, as that's when most of this story reached its year point. But I've had friends to help me through it and I'm stronger now in myself than I was then. And maybe some of it has to do with the fact I have my boyfriend now. :) (And no, this isn't the guy I was going on about. This one is very sweet and caring and I love him very much. He understands all of this, going through depression and anxiety himself, helping me though rough days as I help him through his. He's my best friend.)
Which is why, I have to ask. Should I continue this blog? Come up with new entries every week and continue? Or should I just leave it up, not adding anymore?
I don't get emails like I used to and not many comments either. Am I really helping or no?
Please reply in some way. I keep everything anonymous and do my very best to never judge a soul. Have I helped in any way with this blog?
I'll come back in a few days, checking my email and everything else until then. I'll decide then the fate of my blog. I'll also put my story on the My Story page for quick analysis.
See you all in a few days.
-Kayla
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
Being
Hey, everyone.
Sometimes, being yourself is hard. After a while, you become someone people expect of you. You change a little bit, and those closest to you gawk, wondering why. So you go back to "normal" around them. It's not easy to change.
Which is why I like the opportunity to be in a new place. I don't have to be that same girl anymore. Quiet, scared, alone.
The thing is, when no one else is around, I'm like that again. It's not easy. I still have depression, I still have social anxiety. Making new friends is great, it's just... Well, it's the same questions I've had before. Who'll stay? Who'll go? Will it be my fault, or a choice of theirs?
Sometimes I wish I could just run. Maybe not away, because I don't want to leave my mess for others to clean up. I just want to run, to fly, just for one minute, just to feel free.
Which is why:
I write- To discover more of who I am.
I sing- To feel my strength come through me.
I talk- To help others and myself.
I believe- To have hope when there is none.
I am me.
Song of the month will go for the last few days of this month and December. I'm surprised I didn't change it when I posted a few weeks ago.
Credits go to the writers/singer/everyone else who went into this song:
-Kayla
Sometimes, being yourself is hard. After a while, you become someone people expect of you. You change a little bit, and those closest to you gawk, wondering why. So you go back to "normal" around them. It's not easy to change.
Which is why I like the opportunity to be in a new place. I don't have to be that same girl anymore. Quiet, scared, alone.
The thing is, when no one else is around, I'm like that again. It's not easy. I still have depression, I still have social anxiety. Making new friends is great, it's just... Well, it's the same questions I've had before. Who'll stay? Who'll go? Will it be my fault, or a choice of theirs?
Sometimes I wish I could just run. Maybe not away, because I don't want to leave my mess for others to clean up. I just want to run, to fly, just for one minute, just to feel free.
Which is why:
I write- To discover more of who I am.
I sing- To feel my strength come through me.
I talk- To help others and myself.
I believe- To have hope when there is none.
I am me.
Song of the month will go for the last few days of this month and December. I'm surprised I didn't change it when I posted a few weeks ago.
Credits go to the writers/singer/everyone else who went into this song:
-Kayla
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
Big Heart
Hey everyone! It's still amazing for me to see just how many people are reading my blog now. It warms my heart. :)
So, new stuff going on. I've been keeping busy, though not so busy that I'm totally stressed out. Which is probably a good thing, as my old friends seem to be struggling. It's hard being away from them. But as much as I hate being away from them, well... To admit, I kind of like being apart from them.
Here, at this new place, I can start over. I can use what I learned by being around my old friends and my same moral principles I've had all my life to make a better start. No one knows me here. They don't know that I used to be the odd one out, the shy kid, the shunned one. Except for one of my new friends, no one knows of my hardships from the past year. And she understands enough to just listen and even relate with me at some parts.
Remember that guy I've talked about sometimes? Well, my old friends don't like him anymore. One was guarded before, while another was starting to. Actually, I haven't spoken to Abigail about some new stuff that's happened, but yesterday talking with Nora and Violet was strained. Both seemed to immediately hate him after he appeared to be acting like a jerk. I honestly couldn't see it, nor could my new friend. Sure, some stuff was just stupid, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been. And, from experience with old groups of friends even before my three closest, I know it wasn't bad.
Still, even with the apology he gave me after, Violet and Nora are still worried about me. I was able to logically talk with Violet, though not with Nora yet. Anyway, Violet and I agreed that I am okay enough to look after myself. I've got enough common sense not to get too involved with him.
If he did ask me out in any resent time, like next week or something, I would turn him down. But not because my old friends didn't like him or anything like that. I'd ask if he'd asked the other girl's permission first (my other friend, who still doesn't know I like him) because they'd had mutual feelings toward each other, though he was a bit more pushy. I wouldn't date him until she'd said both to me and to him that it was okay.
But even if he had and in recent future, I would still say no. And here's the reason why: Neither of us are ready yet.
I've never been on a date. Never had a guy really show interest in me other than what my friends insist on (which I seriously doubt is a real crush on me). But I want to learn more about who I am first. I know my boundaries, so if everyone could stop reminding me to look out after that, that'd be awesome. What I'd rather know is what I should look for in a guy who is truly and selflessly into me. Someone who I know God has planned out for me. I'm willing to wait for that though.
Now, him? Well, he's complicated. When I first met him in person, I dismissed everything I thought I knew about him. Wait, maybe that doesn't make much sense.
Let's go back to when I met Carmen. I make instinctual decisions about people. I look at them, glance, full-on, whatever. Whatever gut feeling I get, I follow. Carmen's was the big, flashing, Stay Away. I didn't and I know where it got me.
Back to him. I'd met him online and my friend was convincing me that he and I had crushes on each other. I kept telling her 'just friends' and guess who was right? This girl! So even over the internet, I could tell. I knew I was going to meet him in person, which made me nervous because he was the only one I'd really talked to so far that I could maybe have as a friend. Then when I first heard him, I got all jittery, not because of a crush, but because I'd been so nervous all day about coming and then meeting people, that finally relaxing made me shaky. Looking at him was different.
I've been thinking it over since last night. I remember even the Carmen thing taking a few days to figure out because I couldn't identify just what the big negative feeling was. Remembering back to when I first saw him, one word popped into my head:
Lost.
He feels lost to me. He acts all confident around his new friends when I see him from afar. He jokes with me online and talks with me occasionally in person during the week. He's a bit hotheaded and stubborn, from stories I've heard and aren't hard to imagine.
But I've seen his guard come down a few times. Sometimes for a second or even as long as a minute. He's just lost.
My new friend that I trust, the one who knows I like him, said that he needs to grow up and 'date himself' for a while before getting back into a new relationship. And I agree, He should.
For now, I'm going to remain his friend. He's a mix between crush and brother to me. Which one will win out? I don't care. I know God has someone planned out for me and I know they'll be the right one, whomever they may be and whenever they appear in my life.
I can wait. But while I wait, I'm going to help others and be a friend. Because I have a big heart.
Do I trust too easily? No. None of my new friends know about my blog and only one knows about my mental problems. I'm still very guarded, though open about being myself.
But I care a lot. I want to help others as others have helped me. I know when to step back and I know when to stretch out a hand.
Even if it goes against my old friends' best interests, I know what is right. I go by instinct, because when I don't even to follow the suggestions and advice by the ones who love me most, I end up getting hurt, sometimes even others as well.
I'm not making another Carmen mistake again. I'm going to make a difference in this world, starting with inside myself.
-Kayla
So, new stuff going on. I've been keeping busy, though not so busy that I'm totally stressed out. Which is probably a good thing, as my old friends seem to be struggling. It's hard being away from them. But as much as I hate being away from them, well... To admit, I kind of like being apart from them.
Here, at this new place, I can start over. I can use what I learned by being around my old friends and my same moral principles I've had all my life to make a better start. No one knows me here. They don't know that I used to be the odd one out, the shy kid, the shunned one. Except for one of my new friends, no one knows of my hardships from the past year. And she understands enough to just listen and even relate with me at some parts.
Remember that guy I've talked about sometimes? Well, my old friends don't like him anymore. One was guarded before, while another was starting to. Actually, I haven't spoken to Abigail about some new stuff that's happened, but yesterday talking with Nora and Violet was strained. Both seemed to immediately hate him after he appeared to be acting like a jerk. I honestly couldn't see it, nor could my new friend. Sure, some stuff was just stupid, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been. And, from experience with old groups of friends even before my three closest, I know it wasn't bad.
Still, even with the apology he gave me after, Violet and Nora are still worried about me. I was able to logically talk with Violet, though not with Nora yet. Anyway, Violet and I agreed that I am okay enough to look after myself. I've got enough common sense not to get too involved with him.
If he did ask me out in any resent time, like next week or something, I would turn him down. But not because my old friends didn't like him or anything like that. I'd ask if he'd asked the other girl's permission first (my other friend, who still doesn't know I like him) because they'd had mutual feelings toward each other, though he was a bit more pushy. I wouldn't date him until she'd said both to me and to him that it was okay.
But even if he had and in recent future, I would still say no. And here's the reason why: Neither of us are ready yet.
I've never been on a date. Never had a guy really show interest in me other than what my friends insist on (which I seriously doubt is a real crush on me). But I want to learn more about who I am first. I know my boundaries, so if everyone could stop reminding me to look out after that, that'd be awesome. What I'd rather know is what I should look for in a guy who is truly and selflessly into me. Someone who I know God has planned out for me. I'm willing to wait for that though.
Now, him? Well, he's complicated. When I first met him in person, I dismissed everything I thought I knew about him. Wait, maybe that doesn't make much sense.
Let's go back to when I met Carmen. I make instinctual decisions about people. I look at them, glance, full-on, whatever. Whatever gut feeling I get, I follow. Carmen's was the big, flashing, Stay Away. I didn't and I know where it got me.
Back to him. I'd met him online and my friend was convincing me that he and I had crushes on each other. I kept telling her 'just friends' and guess who was right? This girl! So even over the internet, I could tell. I knew I was going to meet him in person, which made me nervous because he was the only one I'd really talked to so far that I could maybe have as a friend. Then when I first heard him, I got all jittery, not because of a crush, but because I'd been so nervous all day about coming and then meeting people, that finally relaxing made me shaky. Looking at him was different.
I've been thinking it over since last night. I remember even the Carmen thing taking a few days to figure out because I couldn't identify just what the big negative feeling was. Remembering back to when I first saw him, one word popped into my head:
Lost.
He feels lost to me. He acts all confident around his new friends when I see him from afar. He jokes with me online and talks with me occasionally in person during the week. He's a bit hotheaded and stubborn, from stories I've heard and aren't hard to imagine.
But I've seen his guard come down a few times. Sometimes for a second or even as long as a minute. He's just lost.
My new friend that I trust, the one who knows I like him, said that he needs to grow up and 'date himself' for a while before getting back into a new relationship. And I agree, He should.
For now, I'm going to remain his friend. He's a mix between crush and brother to me. Which one will win out? I don't care. I know God has someone planned out for me and I know they'll be the right one, whomever they may be and whenever they appear in my life.
I can wait. But while I wait, I'm going to help others and be a friend. Because I have a big heart.
Do I trust too easily? No. None of my new friends know about my blog and only one knows about my mental problems. I'm still very guarded, though open about being myself.
But I care a lot. I want to help others as others have helped me. I know when to step back and I know when to stretch out a hand.
Even if it goes against my old friends' best interests, I know what is right. I go by instinct, because when I don't even to follow the suggestions and advice by the ones who love me most, I end up getting hurt, sometimes even others as well.
I'm not making another Carmen mistake again. I'm going to make a difference in this world, starting with inside myself.
-Kayla
Saturday, September 3, 2016
New Days and Feelings
Hey, everyone. Judging on how hectic things have gotten and my lack of opportunities to post, I may be posting primarily on the weekends now with maybe posts in the middle of the week. I love writing here and need some set schedule if I'm going to meet my deadlines and goals. So far, though, my making new friends and achieving new things is so spastic on a given day I can't find a time to actually sit down and write these posts! Trust me, I'm trying!
Anyway, so I'm guessing this'll be long, which hopefully makes up for things. Least a little. :)
In my last post, I talked about a new crush I had. Well, kind of. My feelings are kind of mixed in his case. I'm waiting it out, seeing what happens before anything else.
Since it felt so conflicted and a bit complicated, I turned to my old friends for advice. As always, I love to hear from them, advice or no. And I got mixed input back. A great deal of it made sense, already re-iterating everything I'd already decided and figured out for myself. Just a little bit made me pause. This topic always has caused several questions to rise in my mind (so, Violet, if you read this, I'm just typing this mostly to figure it out in my own head).
So, I was told "Feelings are nice, but they're just feelings." And that's always confused me. When you love someone, like your family, isn't that a feeling? Not to say I love this boy! I really have no idea how I feel about him other than as a good friend at this point.
Still though, anyone ever saying that phrase has confused me. Like, is it using logic apposed to feelings? I mean, I can keep a straight head. Even if I've got a close friend, I've barely ever been blind to anyone's faults. There have been one or two mess ups, but that's usually after I've decided to ignore it. And ever since the whole Carmen deal, I doubt anything's going to happen like that again. Even with Carmen, I still was aware of something off, even if no one would tell me what it was.
See, to me, my 'feelings' are my instincts. If it doesn't feel right to me, best thing for me to do is to stay away. Got that feeling when I first met Carmen. Ignored it and got a whole big mess later. If it feels as if I can trust someone or like they'd be a good friend, I go to that person. Violet and a few other close friends had that feeling attached, which has been some of the best decision making I've ever done.
I don't think I was predisposed to liking this boy just by talking to him on the internet before meeting him first (new place had a FB group to go with everyone coming in). I mean, one of my new friends I'd also met there and thought, "Yeah, she's alright.", kind of indifferent, thinking we might be acquaintances and not friends completely. Meet her in person and she's already as close to me as some of my old friends. I saw immediately what he was like and what could be questionable. That's why I'm still standing back to see what happens.
What bothers me about this situation is that this boy is one of those "wild cards". I don't mean unpredictable or anything in the normal sense. My definition of a "wild card" for a person is that I simply don't know what to think of them. No gut feeling, no looking and maybe figuring something out about them. I don't really encounter that much.
I'm not saying I pre-judge people. Perhaps occasionally I inadvertently do so, but it's like this thing I read: "The first thought that goes through your mind is what you have been conditioned to think, what you think next defines who you are."
I always wait for the next thought. The next thought is usually my gut instinct. It's typically not something mean, which I'm grateful for. If it's the stay away side, it's usually a natural avoidance thing that kicks in.
Still, I'm waiting. I'm not sure what will happen, but if God has a plan, then it'll fall where it may. I don't know what will happen, but I can wait. I mean, I've made it this far without having or really wanting a love life. I'm perfectly fine waiting some more. :D
(Though, if anyone's welcome to maybe give advice via anonymous email form on the left column, that'd be great in this "what's going on?" period.)
Now, new song of the month! I love this one, but I don't own it because to get this song, the CD has to be imported because for some reason, they don't have this track on any of the American version of the albums (which makes no sense because it's an American show). Don't judge! It's one of the few rare songs which doesn't have romance in it, which I find fantastic. Anyway, rights all go to BTR and enjoy the song!
-Kayla
Anyway, so I'm guessing this'll be long, which hopefully makes up for things. Least a little. :)
In my last post, I talked about a new crush I had. Well, kind of. My feelings are kind of mixed in his case. I'm waiting it out, seeing what happens before anything else.
Since it felt so conflicted and a bit complicated, I turned to my old friends for advice. As always, I love to hear from them, advice or no. And I got mixed input back. A great deal of it made sense, already re-iterating everything I'd already decided and figured out for myself. Just a little bit made me pause. This topic always has caused several questions to rise in my mind (so, Violet, if you read this, I'm just typing this mostly to figure it out in my own head).
So, I was told "Feelings are nice, but they're just feelings." And that's always confused me. When you love someone, like your family, isn't that a feeling? Not to say I love this boy! I really have no idea how I feel about him other than as a good friend at this point.
Still though, anyone ever saying that phrase has confused me. Like, is it using logic apposed to feelings? I mean, I can keep a straight head. Even if I've got a close friend, I've barely ever been blind to anyone's faults. There have been one or two mess ups, but that's usually after I've decided to ignore it. And ever since the whole Carmen deal, I doubt anything's going to happen like that again. Even with Carmen, I still was aware of something off, even if no one would tell me what it was.
See, to me, my 'feelings' are my instincts. If it doesn't feel right to me, best thing for me to do is to stay away. Got that feeling when I first met Carmen. Ignored it and got a whole big mess later. If it feels as if I can trust someone or like they'd be a good friend, I go to that person. Violet and a few other close friends had that feeling attached, which has been some of the best decision making I've ever done.
I don't think I was predisposed to liking this boy just by talking to him on the internet before meeting him first (new place had a FB group to go with everyone coming in). I mean, one of my new friends I'd also met there and thought, "Yeah, she's alright.", kind of indifferent, thinking we might be acquaintances and not friends completely. Meet her in person and she's already as close to me as some of my old friends. I saw immediately what he was like and what could be questionable. That's why I'm still standing back to see what happens.
What bothers me about this situation is that this boy is one of those "wild cards". I don't mean unpredictable or anything in the normal sense. My definition of a "wild card" for a person is that I simply don't know what to think of them. No gut feeling, no looking and maybe figuring something out about them. I don't really encounter that much.
I'm not saying I pre-judge people. Perhaps occasionally I inadvertently do so, but it's like this thing I read: "The first thought that goes through your mind is what you have been conditioned to think, what you think next defines who you are."
I always wait for the next thought. The next thought is usually my gut instinct. It's typically not something mean, which I'm grateful for. If it's the stay away side, it's usually a natural avoidance thing that kicks in.
Still, I'm waiting. I'm not sure what will happen, but if God has a plan, then it'll fall where it may. I don't know what will happen, but I can wait. I mean, I've made it this far without having or really wanting a love life. I'm perfectly fine waiting some more. :D
(Though, if anyone's welcome to maybe give advice via anonymous email form on the left column, that'd be great in this "what's going on?" period.)
Now, new song of the month! I love this one, but I don't own it because to get this song, the CD has to be imported because for some reason, they don't have this track on any of the American version of the albums (which makes no sense because it's an American show). Don't judge! It's one of the few rare songs which doesn't have romance in it, which I find fantastic. Anyway, rights all go to BTR and enjoy the song!
-Kayla
Thursday, August 4, 2016
When I Said
Hey, everyone. Sorry about the silence of the past three days. First day my thoughts escaped me and the last two have been busy. This'll be short, but meaningful. And sorry it's passed the deadline, but a surprise event happened. :)
Today, I found this picture. I've never seen it before, but I've seen stuff like it:
After reading this, I remembered the day when I finally said "Enough!"
Just a month ago, maybe more time now, I felt like this. I was just sick of everything. I'd wanted to end it months ago, but didn't because I always have something to hold onto, people always keeping me to reality. Even if they didn't know it till I told them, somehow my subconscious reminded me of them that day. The thought of ending had come into my mind, but I never reached for anything to aid that idea. Angels in heaven and the ones here on earth. I know in my gut that they were what stopped that second sub-thought.
My friends know I cry, but they don't care. They've seen through my bad days. They know the person I am behind that confused anger and fear. They brought back my smile and courage. And even when I'm seeing them less and less as recent months go on, they still find ways to bring a smile to my face, probably not even knowing that's what they're doing.
They don't judge me. They've always believed in me. And I can never ever thank them enough.
And when they surprise you? Seriously, even though I figured part of it out, it was still awesome. :)
Another song, don't own the rights. Enjoy. :D Be empowered!!!
-Kayla
Today, I found this picture. I've never seen it before, but I've seen stuff like it:
After reading this, I remembered the day when I finally said "Enough!"
Just a month ago, maybe more time now, I felt like this. I was just sick of everything. I'd wanted to end it months ago, but didn't because I always have something to hold onto, people always keeping me to reality. Even if they didn't know it till I told them, somehow my subconscious reminded me of them that day. The thought of ending had come into my mind, but I never reached for anything to aid that idea. Angels in heaven and the ones here on earth. I know in my gut that they were what stopped that second sub-thought.
My friends know I cry, but they don't care. They've seen through my bad days. They know the person I am behind that confused anger and fear. They brought back my smile and courage. And even when I'm seeing them less and less as recent months go on, they still find ways to bring a smile to my face, probably not even knowing that's what they're doing.
They don't judge me. They've always believed in me. And I can never ever thank them enough.
And when they surprise you? Seriously, even though I figured part of it out, it was still awesome. :)
Another song, don't own the rights. Enjoy. :D Be empowered!!!
-Kayla
Thursday, July 21, 2016
Hey
Hey, everyone. Sorry about not posting yesterday. It was a bad late morning leading to an equally bad afternoon, which squashed my urge to post. Today, just an hour or so ago was even worse. But I knew I had to get on, even if it was just for a small post. Have to get back into posting every day. :)
Anyway, here's a song. Don't own it, or the copy-write. If anyone knows the cd this is on, write in the title in the comments. Can't find this song anywhere except YouTube. Enjoy and see you tomorrow.
-Kayla
Anyway, here's a song. Don't own it, or the copy-write. If anyone knows the cd this is on, write in the title in the comments. Can't find this song anywhere except YouTube. Enjoy and see you tomorrow.
-Kayla
Saturday, July 9, 2016
"Everything Happens For A Reason"?
Hey, everyone. Sorry I haven't done anything in several days. I went to my friend's mom's calling hours and funeral. I cried a lot at home after I found out, but not during either of those two events. Not entirely sure why.
There was one thing I saw though. On Facebook, someone had shared with my friend (or her whole family, don't completely remember) a link saying something in the headline along the lines of: "Please Stop Saying Everything Happens for a Reason", though it did have God mentioned there as well, which is why I know I haven't remembered the proper title.
I didn't click on it. Not sure if I wanted to. Not then anyway. But for the sake of this post, I now have found and read a similar post. Here's the link to that:
http://www.robshep.com/2014/05/27/please-stop-saying-everything-happens-for-a-reason/
At first, I was kind of confused. Then kind of hurt. But it all makes sense, especially if it's read all through to the end. Especially then.
Here's my take on "Everything Happens for a Reason"
Sometimes, things hurt. Someone close to you dies. You loose a chance to do something amazing. There are accidents. People betray you, hurt you, leave you for nothing. Things just hurt and get worse. You'll cry and you'll scream but nothing gets better, no matter how hard you try.
I've been hurt. Physically sometimes when I was younger, typically sibling squabbles. I've never really been one to fight back with my hands. Can't stand hurting someone else. Emotionally, oh, so much. I've been let down by so many people. Only a handful haven't left me. And even they have hurt me a little, intentional or not.
I remember everything. I don't have a great memory, not when it comes to birthdays, anniversaries, homework, deadlines. I'm horrible with stuff like that. But I remember every feeling, every face that meant something to me, even just for some minutes. Names, no. Faces, people, feelings. All that is in me.
I remember the good. I remember the bad. I remember everyone I've lost. Everything that's ever been taken away from me. And all that chose to stay behind.
I cried so much this past year. Every night for weeks, months on end, as soon as the lights went out, I'd cry. I'd remember everything. Every word, every memory charged by some emotion. It sat on my chest until sometimes I had trouble breathing, physically.
I prayed. Every night. Most of the time I asked if God could just send someone to stay. Proof that someone was still my friend. Sometimes I just asked if the weight could be lifted, just enough so I could sleep. I was so, so tired.
Only once did I think about all of it ending. I sort of faked being sick so I could stay home. I just thought "If I died now, no one would notice." Somehow I snapped out of it. Not an immediate mood change, but gradual that day. After, I started really thinking about starting this blog. Some weeks later, I did.
I've read stories about people getting better from depression. A girl who's in a kitchen, humming a Disney song and hearing her mom speak to her grandmother in the other room, tearfully saying "She's singing again." A woman who now has kids and listens to her husband tell them bedtime stories in silly voices. Stories of hope and healing. Not fiction or fantasy. Real life.
I'm not healed. Not completely. Sure, I'm not as down as I've been for the past twelve months. I don't know if there'll be a sign, something to show that I'm getting better.
Or maybe there has been. Others who I think barely notice me have made comments. I've been talking more. I'm more noticed. I'm not invisible anymore.
I think everything happens for a reason is in a sense that you can't know what's good unless you've had the bad. You don't know healing unless there's been pain. You don't know just how true a friend can be until another betrays you.
I'm not one for competition, not really. I don't like to compare myself to others. Pain is pain. Joy is joy. I'm happy for others achievements, whether or not they surpass my own. I try to help others in pain, whether or not they are hurt more or less than myself.
It matters more to me that others find peace even before I do. Because no one should hurt that much.
But sometimes you have to cry. Sometimes you have to let in the hurt. How else do you know you have healed?
I love this song. I have for the past, oh, five years or so. Maybe a year after I lost Jade. Reminds me of her. My old and current friends as well. Don't own the copyright, and all that.
-Kayla
There was one thing I saw though. On Facebook, someone had shared with my friend (or her whole family, don't completely remember) a link saying something in the headline along the lines of: "Please Stop Saying Everything Happens for a Reason", though it did have God mentioned there as well, which is why I know I haven't remembered the proper title.
I didn't click on it. Not sure if I wanted to. Not then anyway. But for the sake of this post, I now have found and read a similar post. Here's the link to that:
http://www.robshep.com/2014/05/27/please-stop-saying-everything-happens-for-a-reason/
At first, I was kind of confused. Then kind of hurt. But it all makes sense, especially if it's read all through to the end. Especially then.
Here's my take on "Everything Happens for a Reason"
Sometimes, things hurt. Someone close to you dies. You loose a chance to do something amazing. There are accidents. People betray you, hurt you, leave you for nothing. Things just hurt and get worse. You'll cry and you'll scream but nothing gets better, no matter how hard you try.
I've been hurt. Physically sometimes when I was younger, typically sibling squabbles. I've never really been one to fight back with my hands. Can't stand hurting someone else. Emotionally, oh, so much. I've been let down by so many people. Only a handful haven't left me. And even they have hurt me a little, intentional or not.
I remember everything. I don't have a great memory, not when it comes to birthdays, anniversaries, homework, deadlines. I'm horrible with stuff like that. But I remember every feeling, every face that meant something to me, even just for some minutes. Names, no. Faces, people, feelings. All that is in me.
I remember the good. I remember the bad. I remember everyone I've lost. Everything that's ever been taken away from me. And all that chose to stay behind.
I cried so much this past year. Every night for weeks, months on end, as soon as the lights went out, I'd cry. I'd remember everything. Every word, every memory charged by some emotion. It sat on my chest until sometimes I had trouble breathing, physically.
I prayed. Every night. Most of the time I asked if God could just send someone to stay. Proof that someone was still my friend. Sometimes I just asked if the weight could be lifted, just enough so I could sleep. I was so, so tired.
Only once did I think about all of it ending. I sort of faked being sick so I could stay home. I just thought "If I died now, no one would notice." Somehow I snapped out of it. Not an immediate mood change, but gradual that day. After, I started really thinking about starting this blog. Some weeks later, I did.
I've read stories about people getting better from depression. A girl who's in a kitchen, humming a Disney song and hearing her mom speak to her grandmother in the other room, tearfully saying "She's singing again." A woman who now has kids and listens to her husband tell them bedtime stories in silly voices. Stories of hope and healing. Not fiction or fantasy. Real life.
I'm not healed. Not completely. Sure, I'm not as down as I've been for the past twelve months. I don't know if there'll be a sign, something to show that I'm getting better.
Or maybe there has been. Others who I think barely notice me have made comments. I've been talking more. I'm more noticed. I'm not invisible anymore.
I think everything happens for a reason is in a sense that you can't know what's good unless you've had the bad. You don't know healing unless there's been pain. You don't know just how true a friend can be until another betrays you.
I'm not one for competition, not really. I don't like to compare myself to others. Pain is pain. Joy is joy. I'm happy for others achievements, whether or not they surpass my own. I try to help others in pain, whether or not they are hurt more or less than myself.
It matters more to me that others find peace even before I do. Because no one should hurt that much.
But sometimes you have to cry. Sometimes you have to let in the hurt. How else do you know you have healed?
I love this song. I have for the past, oh, five years or so. Maybe a year after I lost Jade. Reminds me of her. My old and current friends as well. Don't own the copyright, and all that.
-Kayla
Sunday, July 3, 2016
Peace for Today
Hey, everyone.
So, busy, of course. I mean 4th of July weekend and everything. I don't remember last year at this time really. I was just realizing everything about depression and social anxiety at this time last year, so maybe that's not surprising.
This morning I had a very vivid dream. It felt so real that I was disoriented when I woke up. My friends and I have a special nickname for me, generally having to do with "seeing the future". Maybe it's silly, especially with my faith, but I feel like I have a 6th sense sometimes.
My dream had to do with one of my 2 family members with cancer passing away. I was heartbroken and my dream self was crying so much, that's what caused me to be so confused when I woke up. I sort of dismissed it, reminding myself that while it would happen in the near future, both members of the family were still alive and kicking.
But then an old friend of mine, one whom I've made peace with in the past several months after some years of no contact, posted something on Facebook. Her mother, who'd struggled with cancer for some years now, passed away this morning. It was just her and her mother at home when it happened. Right around when I had the dream.
My dream had to do with one of my 2 family members with cancer passing away. I was heartbroken and my dream self was crying so much, that's what caused me to be so confused when I woke up. I sort of dismissed it, reminding myself that while it would happen in the near future, both members of the family were still alive and kicking.
But then an old friend of mine, one whom I've made peace with in the past several months after some years of no contact, posted something on Facebook. Her mother, who'd struggled with cancer for some years now, passed away this morning. It was just her and her mother at home when it happened. Right around when I had the dream.
My heart goes out to her and her family. Can all of you pray for my friend and her family? Losing someone, especially someone so close to you on a happy day like today is hard.
Pray for them, please.
Pray for them, please.
-Kayla
Monday, June 27, 2016
Feeling Old
Hey, everyone. I'm sorry I didn't publish yesterday.
One thing I never wanted to do was get old. I don't mean it in a sense of aging, like numbers or looks. I mean it as a loss of a kind of innocence.
With my depression, social anxiety, and losing more of those who matter most to me than I'd like to count, I feel older than what I look or my age really is.
With my depression, social anxiety, and losing more of those who matter most to me than I'd like to count, I feel older than what I look or my age really is.
Jade has been on my mind a lot lately. So has Carmen, as I've actually been interacting with her in person today. I don't know if she knows that I'm still a little bothered by her. I don't show it, though. I'm trying not to hold a grudge or get mad.
Back to Jade though. She helped me a lot to cope when she was still alive. My bad spells weren't as bad back then. Or maybe they were, but she helped me handle them better.
More than anything, I want to be with her again. I know we'll have all eternity in heaven together when I eventually pass on in, hopefully, the far future. But, all I want is just a moment.
A moment to hold her again. Hear her purr again. See that she's alright. Let her know that I'm okay.
I was/am her baby as much as she was/is mine.
A moment to hold her again. Hear her purr again. See that she's alright. Let her know that I'm okay.
I was/am her baby as much as she was/is mine.
Do me a favor, if you have a pet or someone you're close to, just give them a hug or call them up and say "Thank you." or "I love you." You don't have to give a reason, just do it.
Because you never know when it'll be the last time. And I pray, for as long as it may be, that they stay with you for as long as possible.
Because you never know when it'll be the last time. And I pray, for as long as it may be, that they stay with you for as long as possible.
-Kayla
Monday, June 20, 2016
Random
Hey, everyone. Today is random, because rather than working on a normal entry for a couple hours, I've been working on the My Story page. That'll be updated when I've gotten a double check by one of my friends. :)
Now, I think today I'm gonna pick a song. Sometime nice and good. Hmm. How about this one? I heard it when I was younger in a Christian environment. I didn't know the lyrics until I looked it up a few months later. I still didn't understand completely until years later. And now? Now I understand it in my heart more than my mind ever did.
Don't own the copy-write and all credit goes to JJ Heller and company.
-Kayla
Now, I think today I'm gonna pick a song. Sometime nice and good. Hmm. How about this one? I heard it when I was younger in a Christian environment. I didn't know the lyrics until I looked it up a few months later. I still didn't understand completely until years later. And now? Now I understand it in my heart more than my mind ever did.
Don't own the copy-write and all credit goes to JJ Heller and company.
-Kayla
Monday, June 13, 2016
Magic Prayers
Hey, everybody. First of my scheduled posts, hopefully this works!
Now, everyone here knows by now I'm a Christian. That means I believe in the power of prayer. Because it really does work, even if you've got a bit of doubt.
Let me tell you, it works a whole ton better than wishing, like using those silly chain things that I've try for the heck of it. Unlike those wishes, prayers actually come true. Sure, it takes a whole ton longer than one would like, but prayers are answered while wishes are often not. Unless you do both for the same thing, which I guess is that you're probably trying awful hard to get it.
I'm bringing this up because one of my friends needs prayers right now. I won't say which one, and I don't know what for. But she asked me and some others to pray for her, so that's exactly what I want to do.
I hate praying for myself, or asking others to pray for me, though some of my friends do it anyway. I'd rather help someone out more than myself, because they probably need it more than I do. My problems can wait. Family and friends come first.
So, can you pray for her? If not, than anyone in need. I'm going to pray for her, because she's my friend. They're the most important thing in the world to me. I want to make sure that they're okay.
And with a friend like her, she's my family. Family should always be close to the heart.
-Kayla
Now, everyone here knows by now I'm a Christian. That means I believe in the power of prayer. Because it really does work, even if you've got a bit of doubt.
Let me tell you, it works a whole ton better than wishing, like using those silly chain things that I've try for the heck of it. Unlike those wishes, prayers actually come true. Sure, it takes a whole ton longer than one would like, but prayers are answered while wishes are often not. Unless you do both for the same thing, which I guess is that you're probably trying awful hard to get it.
I'm bringing this up because one of my friends needs prayers right now. I won't say which one, and I don't know what for. But she asked me and some others to pray for her, so that's exactly what I want to do.
I hate praying for myself, or asking others to pray for me, though some of my friends do it anyway. I'd rather help someone out more than myself, because they probably need it more than I do. My problems can wait. Family and friends come first.
So, can you pray for her? If not, than anyone in need. I'm going to pray for her, because she's my friend. They're the most important thing in the world to me. I want to make sure that they're okay.
And with a friend like her, she's my family. Family should always be close to the heart.
-Kayla
Sunday, June 12, 2016
Little Lost
Hey, everyone. Tomorrow and the day after that may be a bit shaky with posts. It's going to be busy, so they might be late, or early, or slightly out of context (the last one being if I can figure out this "scheduling" thing for posts). Just thought I'd let you know.
Anyway, Carmen's been on my mind again, but only for the past ten minutes or so. I was listening to some Christian music on my iPod and I picked on my Matthew West playlist to follow my thought process. After a while, I lost my intended train of thought and ended up just listening to the music, the lyrics.
I only own one CD of his: Into The Light. I got it mostly for the two songs "Hello, My Name Is..." and "Do Something". Still that one song, "Forgiveness", between those two on the track listing strikes a strong cord in me. Before, it reminded me of trying to understand and forgive the three former best friends of mine for dumping me right before and during a new chapter of our lives. Now, well, you can guess who I think about now.
Something was different today, though. Maybe it was my thought process beforehand (just a story that I'll probably never write down). Maybe it was all the things I've previously been posting about forgiveness. Somehow that GMW: Girl Meets Forgiveness episode and Good Will Hunting popped up in my head.
Before even those things came into my life, I'd heard mentioned that the only way to forgive another and to also find peace in yourself, is to forgive yourself. It all seemed so clear a few days ago. But, something happened. I don't think it was the fact that I saw Carmen for the first time again. No, or maybe? Still, now I wonder.
I know there's something somewhere in me, that I need to forgive myself about. To me, I have a lot of flaws. But I know that there are things others see about me, others remember about me, that I never really thought about or thought that no one cared to notice or even noticed, that replace those flaws.
Yearbooks are my favorite examples. Friends, classmates, teachers, and so many others all notice or remember events that make you shine that you may have not remembered yourself. I love reading though past and recent years for those things. They beat back those voices in my head. Some years, there are few signatures and messages, but I definitely gained more as years went on. And they grew even more meaningful as well.
I don't know what I need to have peace now. I don't know if it's making peace with Carmen, with myself, or something else. I don't even really know how to do any of those things yet. I'll find a way, eventually. I know it will come, sooner or later.
Now, my favorite song on that CD is none of the ones I mentioned so far. It's actually the one called Moved By Mercy. Half the time, it describes my life perfectly. Maybe in another post I'll analyze it like I did with Let It Go a few weeks back. For now, enjoy the song. Disclaimer: I don't own the copy-write and all that fun stuff. :)
-Kayla
Anyway, Carmen's been on my mind again, but only for the past ten minutes or so. I was listening to some Christian music on my iPod and I picked on my Matthew West playlist to follow my thought process. After a while, I lost my intended train of thought and ended up just listening to the music, the lyrics.
I only own one CD of his: Into The Light. I got it mostly for the two songs "Hello, My Name Is..." and "Do Something". Still that one song, "Forgiveness", between those two on the track listing strikes a strong cord in me. Before, it reminded me of trying to understand and forgive the three former best friends of mine for dumping me right before and during a new chapter of our lives. Now, well, you can guess who I think about now.
Something was different today, though. Maybe it was my thought process beforehand (just a story that I'll probably never write down). Maybe it was all the things I've previously been posting about forgiveness. Somehow that GMW: Girl Meets Forgiveness episode and Good Will Hunting popped up in my head.
Before even those things came into my life, I'd heard mentioned that the only way to forgive another and to also find peace in yourself, is to forgive yourself. It all seemed so clear a few days ago. But, something happened. I don't think it was the fact that I saw Carmen for the first time again. No, or maybe? Still, now I wonder.
I know there's something somewhere in me, that I need to forgive myself about. To me, I have a lot of flaws. But I know that there are things others see about me, others remember about me, that I never really thought about or thought that no one cared to notice or even noticed, that replace those flaws.
Yearbooks are my favorite examples. Friends, classmates, teachers, and so many others all notice or remember events that make you shine that you may have not remembered yourself. I love reading though past and recent years for those things. They beat back those voices in my head. Some years, there are few signatures and messages, but I definitely gained more as years went on. And they grew even more meaningful as well.
I don't know what I need to have peace now. I don't know if it's making peace with Carmen, with myself, or something else. I don't even really know how to do any of those things yet. I'll find a way, eventually. I know it will come, sooner or later.
Now, my favorite song on that CD is none of the ones I mentioned so far. It's actually the one called Moved By Mercy. Half the time, it describes my life perfectly. Maybe in another post I'll analyze it like I did with Let It Go a few weeks back. For now, enjoy the song. Disclaimer: I don't own the copy-write and all that fun stuff. :)
-Kayla
Monday, June 6, 2016
Whoa...
Hello, everyone!
I've said before that I am a Christian. I have not specified which denomination, but I don't think that matters. I believe in God, which is all that matters to me. When I'm struggling, I pray. Sometimes I forget, not to do so, but to do it with sincerity. Recently, that's been happening. I'll be a little cynical in the back of my mind, wondering if it'll actually work this time. Until today.
I was on Pinterest, as I am every day, and I ran across this link:
http://hubpages.com/religion-philosophy/Signs-That-You-Have-Connected-With-Your-Spirit-Guide-Or-Angel
Thinking it was just some interesting thing for writing or just something that I'd like reading, I clicked on it. Reading the list, I found it interesting, some of it familiar. But I still sort of dismissed it, because sometimes I'd just find it normal for those unusual feelings for others. Then there's that video at the end.
It takes the narrator a while to get to the actual meditation part and that felt smaller than the rest of the nine minute video. But something happened when I listened.
I was still doubtful with all the talk about guardian angels and stuff, because I hadn't given much thought to having my own. Sure, every one has a guardian angel, protector from evil and all that. It just, I don't know, didn't really strike me as anything out of the ordinary.
I'd heard all these other stories before. People seeing their dead friends or relatives in a dream, some not even recognizing they are because that person died and the viewer had never seen a picture. People getting signs through unsuspecting others by these guardian angels.
Listening to the video, I kept thinking. There was one instance of my feeling a lost loved one with me. It was at a Christian music festival, a year or two ago, and Steven Curtis Chapman was there and he sang my favorite song of his: Cinderella. I love that song and listened to it millions of times before that night. But that night was different. Just remembering it brings back vivid memories, feelings, and emotions. I'd sing along to this song so many times, but that night I got halfway through the first verse and, suddenly feeling an invisible weight on my shoulders, I choked up. I didn't know why, and I didn't find out why until later that month, when I remembered an earlier memory from that day. I'd won a festival game, something I can never do, but I knew who always could. My grandfather, who'd died several years ago. Looking at the schedule for that festival, I saw when the performance was and looked at the date. I started crying, not stopping for hours. That day of the concert, was the anniversary of my Grandfather's death. I hadn't even realized.
Reading and listening at first on that website brought back memories of my beloved cat, Jade. I've always believed she's looking out for me and that I'll see her in heaven. Then I remembered my Grandfather during that meditation. I felt that weight on my shoulders again and, though it left a little while after the video, it felt like I had an arm around my shoulders, comforting me.
During that meditation, I prayed to both of them. I asked for their help with all my troubles recently. I've been having problems with the whole Carmen situation appearing in my mind, though she has not in my real life. I could feel them both with me then.
I know some here may not have a strong faith or any at all. I ask if you could just look, just look and maybe listen. Believe what you want, that's up to you. I know I felt something and know others may not. And that's okay.
I'm going to put that song here, too. I don't own it or the copy-write, though it is on my iPod (I got a cd with it right before the concert). I still can't listen to it anymore without remembering that night. And the two stories (the singer's stories) behind it are so powerful on their own without mine added. I hope you enjoy it. :)
-Kayla
I've said before that I am a Christian. I have not specified which denomination, but I don't think that matters. I believe in God, which is all that matters to me. When I'm struggling, I pray. Sometimes I forget, not to do so, but to do it with sincerity. Recently, that's been happening. I'll be a little cynical in the back of my mind, wondering if it'll actually work this time. Until today.
I was on Pinterest, as I am every day, and I ran across this link:
http://hubpages.com/religion-philosophy/Signs-That-You-Have-Connected-With-Your-Spirit-Guide-Or-Angel
Thinking it was just some interesting thing for writing or just something that I'd like reading, I clicked on it. Reading the list, I found it interesting, some of it familiar. But I still sort of dismissed it, because sometimes I'd just find it normal for those unusual feelings for others. Then there's that video at the end.
It takes the narrator a while to get to the actual meditation part and that felt smaller than the rest of the nine minute video. But something happened when I listened.
I was still doubtful with all the talk about guardian angels and stuff, because I hadn't given much thought to having my own. Sure, every one has a guardian angel, protector from evil and all that. It just, I don't know, didn't really strike me as anything out of the ordinary.
I'd heard all these other stories before. People seeing their dead friends or relatives in a dream, some not even recognizing they are because that person died and the viewer had never seen a picture. People getting signs through unsuspecting others by these guardian angels.
Listening to the video, I kept thinking. There was one instance of my feeling a lost loved one with me. It was at a Christian music festival, a year or two ago, and Steven Curtis Chapman was there and he sang my favorite song of his: Cinderella. I love that song and listened to it millions of times before that night. But that night was different. Just remembering it brings back vivid memories, feelings, and emotions. I'd sing along to this song so many times, but that night I got halfway through the first verse and, suddenly feeling an invisible weight on my shoulders, I choked up. I didn't know why, and I didn't find out why until later that month, when I remembered an earlier memory from that day. I'd won a festival game, something I can never do, but I knew who always could. My grandfather, who'd died several years ago. Looking at the schedule for that festival, I saw when the performance was and looked at the date. I started crying, not stopping for hours. That day of the concert, was the anniversary of my Grandfather's death. I hadn't even realized.
Reading and listening at first on that website brought back memories of my beloved cat, Jade. I've always believed she's looking out for me and that I'll see her in heaven. Then I remembered my Grandfather during that meditation. I felt that weight on my shoulders again and, though it left a little while after the video, it felt like I had an arm around my shoulders, comforting me.
During that meditation, I prayed to both of them. I asked for their help with all my troubles recently. I've been having problems with the whole Carmen situation appearing in my mind, though she has not in my real life. I could feel them both with me then.
I know some here may not have a strong faith or any at all. I ask if you could just look, just look and maybe listen. Believe what you want, that's up to you. I know I felt something and know others may not. And that's okay.
I'm going to put that song here, too. I don't own it or the copy-write, though it is on my iPod (I got a cd with it right before the concert). I still can't listen to it anymore without remembering that night. And the two stories (the singer's stories) behind it are so powerful on their own without mine added. I hope you enjoy it. :)
-Kayla
Saturday, June 4, 2016
Forgiveness
Hey, everyone! (Sorry this was messed up so much today, here's the good copy.) This will be long and will contain spoilers to Girl Meets World and Good Will Hunting, so proceed with caution. It'll be a good message, so I hope you don't mind the spoilers. I might also be dividing this in two parts, but I also might not.
And, one more thing. Knowing my thoughts connected to this topic, this will be a very emotional post. I don't know what emotions will be triggered, but be careful. Here goes.
I've been talking about a lot of important stuff lately. Being yourself (Appearances), living life the way you want to (Live Like...), bullying (Thinking Things and Belief is Powerful), being a friend who cares (True Friend), making a difference starting with yourself (Messages Become One), and a whole load of other things. These aren't all the blog entries that correspond with the topics. Maybe I should think of more tags...
Anyway, today I'd like to talk about Forgiveness.
The dictionary definition of "to forgive" is: "stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake" (taken from Dictionary.com). In the bible there's a whole ton of messages about loving your enemy and forgiving people without counting how many times you do.
But those are just definitions. It's not as easy as they make it sound. I found this picture a while back, which sums it up for me.
It's been really hard to forgive Carmen. I trusted her, at the time a good deal more than most, maybe even more than even Nora at times. And she let me down, spatting it in my face. And it hurt, a lot.
I told her that I forgave her. It had to be through a friend, as she no longer wanted to hear from me. She sent me an email back saying she thought she didn't do anything wrong and a few other things that don't look bad to another observer, but crushed me. I sent her one last email a week or two later and haven't contacted her since.
But I still get mad. I have imaginary confrontations where I can finally tell her face to face how I feel. The dream-me and real-me both feel worse afterward though. I don't know why. Sometimes it feels like she walked away fine while I had to pick up the torn pieces of friendship.
By the dictionary standards, I've failed several times in the respect of forgiveness. But, with all due respect, who the heck wrote that? How do they know what it's like to truly be able to forgive someone? You're going to have to be a pretty perfect person in order to do that.
How many sleepless nights did they cry in the dark? How many times did they feel like a useless human being because someone they thought they could trust decided to hurt them, betray them?
How do they know how to truly forgive?
I found clips from this episode from Girl Meets World yesterday. (Disclaimer: I don't own the clip at the end of this section, or the copy-write to the show.) But here's the story, spoilers included. Maya Heart, Riley's best friend in the show, is one of the strongest characters I've ever seen on this generation's Disney Channel. Her father left her and her mom when she was around 5. They've just been getting by since. Throughout the show, each friend goes through some hardships and each stands by the other. This episode was about Forgiveness as well.
Each kid was asked to pick someone to forgive. Then they had to successfully and genuinely do so. Watch the full episode like I did after this to get the full effect. But the message of this part is so powerful. It's right after she confronts her dad and finds out why he left. He asks her for her forgiveness, as he's changed, but she goes back inside and this is what happens:
It's so important to forgive yourself. You can't move on if it still keeps hurting you. It could be buried away and you don't know it's there. Believe me, I know. I hit rock bottom and I didn't know that this was possible until I had. I really really hope others don't have to do that to know this.
That's why I love Good Will Hunting so much. (spoilers and Disclaimer on the video at the end) This kid, Will Hunting, was abused, hurt, and eventually pushed away anyone who could help him. Until one guy, Shawn, took the challenge and stayed. He got Will to forgive himself, because all that pain, all that hurt was not his fault. And he'd believed it for so long, that, well, watch.
Whatever you believe, whatever you think about yourself, there are other people out there who do care. Find someone to help you forgive yourself. Because it's gonna hurt real bad until you do.
I know now that this whole deal with Carmen wasn't my fault. Yes, I got mad. Yes, I pushed. But she didn't have to hurt me like that. She didn't have to say those things. She chose to talk behind my back, she chose to lie. It can't be all my fault for everything that happened.
Sorry this was so long. But if you know someone, or it's you yourself, who was or is in my position, help them. Or find help yourself. It hurts, but you have to find a way to heal. People say "Forgive and forget." I can never forget. I've tried, believe me. Forgive? It'll come.
Someday, my forgiveness to Carmen will be genuine. Someday, there will be peace.
Remember to watch that episode and/or the movie. Maybe those will help, too. I'll talk to all of you again tomorrow.
-Kayla
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