Big Heart

   Hey everyone! It's still amazing for me to see just how many people are reading my blog now. It warms my heart. :)

   So, new stuff going on. I've been keeping busy, though not so busy that I'm totally stressed out. Which is probably a good thing, as my old friends seem to be struggling. It's hard being away from them. But as much as I hate being away from them, well... To admit, I kind of like being apart from them.

   Here, at this new place, I can start over. I can use what I learned by being around my old friends and my same moral principles I've had all my life to make a better start. No one knows me here. They don't know that I used to be the odd one out, the shy kid, the shunned one. Except for one of my new friends, no one knows of my hardships from the past year. And she understands enough to just listen and even relate with me at some parts.
   Remember that guy I've talked about sometimes? Well, my old friends don't like him anymore. One was guarded before, while another was starting to. Actually, I haven't spoken to Abigail about some new stuff that's happened, but yesterday talking with Nora and Violet was strained. Both seemed to immediately hate him after he appeared to be acting like a jerk. I honestly couldn't see it, nor could my new friend. Sure, some stuff was just stupid, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been. And, from experience with old groups of friends even before my three closest, I know it wasn't bad.
   Still, even with the apology he gave me after, Violet and Nora are still worried about me. I was able to logically talk with Violet, though not with Nora yet. Anyway, Violet and I agreed that I am okay enough to look after myself. I've got enough common sense not to get too involved with him.

   If he did ask me out in any resent time, like next week or something, I would turn him down. But not because my old friends didn't like him or anything like that. I'd ask if he'd asked the other girl's permission first (my other friend, who still doesn't know I like him) because they'd had mutual feelings toward each other, though he was a bit more pushy. I wouldn't date him until she'd said both to me and to him that it was okay.
   But even if he had and in recent future, I would still say no. And here's the reason why: Neither of us are ready yet.
   I've never been on a date. Never had a guy really show interest in me other than what my friends insist on (which I seriously doubt is a real crush on me). But I want to learn more about who I am first. I know my boundaries, so if everyone could stop reminding me to look out after that, that'd be awesome. What I'd rather know is what I should look for in a guy who is truly and selflessly into me. Someone who I know God has planned out for me. I'm willing to wait for that though.

   Now, him? Well, he's complicated. When I first met him in person, I dismissed everything I thought I knew about him. Wait, maybe that doesn't make much sense.
   Let's go back to when I met Carmen. I make instinctual decisions about people. I look at them, glance, full-on, whatever. Whatever gut feeling I get, I follow. Carmen's was the big, flashing, Stay Away. I didn't and I know where it got me.
   Back to him. I'd met him online and my friend was convincing me that he and I had crushes on each other. I kept telling her 'just friends' and guess who was right? This girl! So even over the internet, I could tell. I knew I was going to meet him in person, which made me nervous because he was the only one I'd really talked to so far that I could maybe have as a friend. Then when I first heard him, I got all jittery, not because of a crush, but because I'd been so nervous all day about coming and then meeting people, that finally relaxing made me shaky. Looking at him was different.
   I've been thinking it over since last night. I remember even the Carmen thing taking a few days to figure out because I couldn't identify just what the big negative feeling was. Remembering back to when I first saw him, one word popped into my head:
   Lost.

   He feels lost to me. He acts all confident around his new friends when I see him from afar. He jokes with me online and talks with me occasionally in person during the week. He's a bit hotheaded and stubborn, from stories I've heard and aren't hard to imagine.
   But I've seen his guard come down a few times. Sometimes for a second or even as long as a minute. He's just lost.
   My new friend that I trust, the one who knows I like him, said that he needs to grow up and 'date himself' for a while before getting back into a new relationship. And I agree, He should.

   For now, I'm going to remain his friend. He's a mix between crush and brother to me. Which one will win out? I don't care. I know God has someone planned out for me and I know they'll be the right one, whomever they may be and whenever they appear in my life.
   I can wait. But while I wait, I'm going to help others and be a friend. Because I have a big heart.
   Do I trust too easily? No. None of my new friends know about my blog and only one knows about my mental problems. I'm still very guarded, though open about being myself.
   But I care a lot. I want to help others as others have helped me. I know when to step back and I know when to stretch out a hand.
   Even if it goes against my old friends' best interests, I know what is right. I go by instinct, because when I don't even to follow the suggestions and advice by the ones who love me most, I end up getting hurt, sometimes even others as well.

   I'm not making another Carmen mistake again. I'm going to make a difference in this world, starting with inside myself.

-Kayla