Thinking Through Things

   Hey everyone! Wow, it was stunning how many of you have been reading. I mean, when I have big drops in posting and I'm absent for a while, I'm lucky to maybe get one or two page views. Imagine my surprise when I saw numbers in the twenties for the past weeks.

   One post has gotten special attention, I saw. Forgiveness. I remember writing that, very well. And, honestly, it's still hard for me to accept. I've forgiven Carmen, but now fear has replaced the anger. I've made several new advances in being more confident and more myself than I could ever be in my new environment.
   But I'm afraid of bad luck coming in and hurting it, corrupting something that I'm finally enjoying a whole lot. Like when my slowly developing trust in friendships was destroyed by Carmen. And, as silly as it sounds, I'm terrified it'll be by her again.
   No one can tell me it's a silly fear. I mean, many said that I'd never see Carmen again and not a few months later I saw her twice!
   I've forgiven her. But I'm still afraid of something going wrong again.

   My luck has always been a bit skewed. I've been having mixed luck here. Made new friends and I'm having amazing experiences. Bad luck may be getting a cold at the most inconvenient time and not knowing if I'm really falling for this one guy. Same guy I mentioned in the other post, though there was a brief new boy in between. Still, after my second potential crush turned more into a guy I may see as a brother, I think I may have fallen harder for my first crush here. I'm not even going to deny it now and just call it that.
   If anything happens, it'll happen. God works in mysterious ways. And from experience, it's way worth it to wait.

   I've been grieving for Jade again. Being here makes me miss my friends, wishing they could be a part of all this new and fun stuff I'm doing. Jade most of all. She's still being my furry little guardian angel here. I've felt her with me more than once. I think she misses me as much as I miss her.

   I'll try to post again soon. Thank you all for understanding my craziness and for reading! Make a difference in someone's life as I hope I'm doing for all of you.

-Kayla