New Days and Feelings

   Hey, everyone. Judging on how hectic things have gotten and my lack of opportunities to post, I may be posting primarily on the weekends now with maybe posts in the middle of the week. I love writing here and need some set schedule if I'm going to meet my deadlines and goals. So far, though, my making new friends and achieving new things is so spastic on a given day I can't find a time to actually sit down and write these posts! Trust me, I'm trying!

   Anyway, so I'm guessing this'll be long, which hopefully makes up for things. Least a little. :)

   In my last post, I talked about a new crush I had. Well, kind of. My feelings are kind of mixed in his case. I'm waiting it out, seeing what happens before anything else.
   Since it felt so conflicted and a bit complicated, I turned to my old friends for advice. As always, I love to hear from them, advice or no. And I got mixed input back. A great deal of it made sense, already re-iterating everything I'd already decided and figured out for myself. Just a little bit made me pause. This topic always has caused several questions to rise in my mind (so, Violet, if you read this, I'm just typing this mostly to figure it out in my own head).

   So, I was told "Feelings are nice, but they're just feelings." And that's always confused me. When you love someone, like your family, isn't that a feeling? Not to say I love this boy! I really have no idea how I feel about him other than as a good friend at this point.
   Still though, anyone ever saying that phrase has confused me. Like, is it using logic apposed to feelings? I mean, I can keep a straight head. Even if I've got a close friend, I've barely ever been blind to anyone's faults. There have been one or two mess ups, but that's usually after I've decided to ignore it. And ever since the whole Carmen deal, I doubt anything's going to happen like that again. Even with Carmen, I still was aware of something off, even if no one would tell me what it was.

   See, to me, my 'feelings' are my instincts. If it doesn't feel right to me, best thing for me to do is to stay away. Got that feeling when I first met Carmen. Ignored it and got a whole big mess later. If it feels as if I can trust someone or like they'd be a good friend, I go to that person. Violet and a few other close friends had that feeling attached, which has been some of the best decision making I've ever done.
   I don't think I was predisposed to liking this boy just by talking to him on the internet before meeting him first (new place had a FB group to go with everyone coming in). I mean, one of my new friends I'd also met there and thought, "Yeah, she's alright.", kind of indifferent, thinking we might be acquaintances and not friends completely. Meet her in person and she's already as close to me as some of my old friends. I saw immediately what he was like and what could be questionable. That's why I'm still standing back to see what happens.

   What bothers me about this situation is that this boy is one of those "wild cards". I don't mean unpredictable or anything in the normal sense. My definition of a "wild card" for a person is that I simply don't know what to think of them. No gut feeling, no looking and maybe figuring something out about them. I don't really encounter that much.
   I'm not saying I pre-judge people. Perhaps occasionally I inadvertently do so, but it's like this thing I read: "The first thought that goes through your mind is what you have been conditioned to think, what you think next defines who you are."
   I always wait for the next thought. The next thought is usually my gut instinct. It's typically not something mean, which I'm grateful for. If it's the stay away side, it's usually a natural avoidance thing that kicks in.

   Still, I'm waiting. I'm not sure what will happen, but if God has a plan, then it'll fall where it may. I don't know what will happen, but I can wait. I mean, I've made it this far without having or really wanting a love life. I'm perfectly fine waiting some more. :D
   (Though, if anyone's welcome to maybe give advice via anonymous email form on the left column, that'd be great in this "what's going on?" period.)

   Now, new song of the month! I love this one, but I don't own it because to get this song, the CD has to be imported because for some reason, they don't have this track on any of the American version of the albums (which makes no sense because it's an American show). Don't judge! It's one of the few rare songs which doesn't have romance in it, which I find fantastic. Anyway, rights all go to BTR and enjoy the song!

-Kayla