Forgiveness

Hey, everyone! (Sorry this was messed up so much today, here's the good copy.) This will be long and will contain spoilers to Girl Meets World and Good Will Hunting, so proceed with caution. It'll be a good message, so I hope you don't mind the spoilers. I might also be dividing this in two parts, but I also might not.

  And, one more thing. Knowing my thoughts connected to this topic, this will be a very emotional post. I don't know what emotions will be triggered, but be careful. Here goes.

  I've been talking about a lot of important stuff lately. Being yourself (Appearances), living life the way you want to (Live Like...), bullying (Thinking Things and Belief is Powerful), being a friend who cares (True Friend), making a difference starting with yourself (Messages Become One), and a whole load of other things. These aren't all the blog entries that correspond with the topics. Maybe I should think of more tags...

  Anyway, today I'd like to talk about Forgiveness.

  The dictionary definition of "to forgive" is: "stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake" (taken from Dictionary.com). In the bible there's a whole ton of messages about loving your enemy and forgiving people without counting how many times you do.

  But those are just definitions. It's not as easy as they make it sound. I found this picture a while back, which sums it up for me.

  It's been really hard to forgive Carmen. I trusted her, at the time a good deal more than most, maybe even more than even Nora at times. And she let me down, spatting it in my face. And it hurt, a lot.

  I told her that I forgave her. It had to be through a friend, as she no longer wanted to hear from me. She sent me an email back saying she thought she didn't do anything wrong and a few other things that don't look bad to another observer, but crushed me. I sent her one last email a week or two later and haven't contacted her since.

  But I still get mad. I have imaginary confrontations where I can finally tell her face to face how I feel. The dream-me and real-me both feel worse afterward though. I don't know why. Sometimes it feels like she walked away fine while I had to pick up the torn pieces of friendship.

  By the dictionary standards, I've failed several times in the respect of forgiveness. But, with all due respect, who the heck wrote that? How do they know what it's like to truly be able to forgive someone? You're going to have to be a pretty perfect person in order to do that.

  How many sleepless nights did they cry in the dark? How many times did they feel like a useless human being because someone they thought they could trust decided to hurt them, betray them?

  How do they know how to truly forgive?

  I found clips from this episode from Girl Meets World yesterday. (Disclaimer: I don't own the clip at the end of this section, or the copy-write to the show.) But here's the story, spoilers included. Maya Heart, Riley's best friend in the show, is one of the strongest characters I've ever seen on this generation's Disney Channel. Her father left her and her mom when she was around 5. They've just been getting by since. Throughout the show, each friend goes through some hardships and each stands by the other. This episode was about Forgiveness as well.

  Each kid was asked to pick someone to forgive. Then they had to successfully and genuinely do so. Watch the full episode like I did after this to get the full effect. But the message of this part is so powerful. It's right after she confronts her dad and finds out why he left. He asks her for her forgiveness, as he's changed, but she goes back inside and this is what happens:

  It's so important to forgive yourself. You can't move on if it still keeps hurting you. It could be buried away and you don't know it's there. Believe me, I know. I hit rock bottom and I didn't know that this was possible until I had. I really really hope others don't have to do that to know this.

  That's why I love Good Will Hunting so much. (spoilers and Disclaimer on the video at the end) This kid, Will Hunting, was abused, hurt, and eventually pushed away anyone who could help him. Until one guy, Shawn, took the challenge and stayed. He got Will to forgive himself, because all that pain, all that hurt was not his fault. And he'd believed it for so long, that, well, watch.

  Whatever you believe, whatever you think about yourself, there are other people out there who do care. Find someone to help you forgive yourself. Because it's gonna hurt real bad until you do.

  I know now that this whole deal with Carmen wasn't my fault. Yes, I got mad. Yes, I pushed. But she didn't have to hurt me like that. She didn't have to say those things. She chose to talk behind my back, she chose to lie. It can't be all my fault for everything that happened.

  Sorry this was so long. But if you know someone, or it's you yourself, who was or is in my position, help them. Or find help yourself. It hurts, but you have to find a way to heal. People say "Forgive and forget." I can never forget. I've tried, believe me. Forgive? It'll come.

  Someday, my forgiveness to Carmen will be genuine. Someday, there will be peace.

  Remember to watch that episode and/or the movie. Maybe those will help, too. I'll talk to all of you again tomorrow.

-Kayla