Masks

   Hey, everyone. Sorry about the choppy posting for the past few days. I had something planned for yesterday, but it wasn't loading up right. Hopefully next week isn't that horrible with post timing.

   So, seeing Carmen was interesting, as I mentioned in my last post. She was pretty much the same as she used to be, changing a little with new stories for her to tell. But still the same.
   Which confused me. How had she drastically changed from the girl I knew and the girl who'd hurt me? Her way of talking had changed on the phone and texts as time went on and then she was definitely different during and the few weeks after our fight.
   But now, in these past few days of seeing her again and talking with others who'd seen/heard from her, she seemed more to me like the girl I knew. Maybe I'm off here, but I have a theory of why: the "mask" of technology.

   In a previous entry, "Behind the Screen", I talked a little bit about how people can hide behind a screen. Cyberbullies, people in pain hiding that pain from friends and family, etc. Building off that, there are several different ways to express yourself, as in, the way you act.
   I do my best to act the same online as I do in person. The masks I hold are the same, along with my attitude. Now, my masks are slowly falling away, at least with my family and close friends (friends more than family, actually). What you read here on this blog are the same thoughts I would share with my close friends. I've already thrown away that specific mask in an attempt to help others, like myself with depression or anxiety. Do I still have masks? Yes. Do I know what all of them are? Not really. Some, yeah, but I often don't realize a wall has come up until later.

   Going back to Carmen, what I encountered in the time nearing the fight, I believe was some new front. Maybe a new mask she was trying out or hastily put together because of her new environment. As time had gone on, it became more hostile toward her old friends, or at least toward me.
   I don't know why and I'm not sure if she even knows either. I did enjoy being with an old friend for those days. Sure, the conversation seemed to be the same I'd known between us (boys and school), but the fight wasn't ever brought up. I wanted to, occasionally, but let it stay, for now. This year was rough for both of us. Different problems, but that doesn't mean much to me. Rough is rough. Pain is pain. Intensity does not matter to me, because it all depends on the person in the end.
   Knowing I would be seeing Carmen, I decided not to put on a mask. I did my best to be the relaxed and happy girl I've started to become since starting to get out of my depression. After acting on my new confidence in speaking, Carmen and I eventually started talking one on one after a while.
   Will we be as close as we were? Maybe, but not completely. At least, not on my end. My trust in her is gone, at least with things important to me. General things are okay, but, well, you know what I mean.

   I still forgive her. The girl I knew is still there, confirmed by myself in the past few days. The girl I fought with is probably still there too, but I'm trying not to dwell on that.

   I'm done with masks, or at least definitely the ones created to cause pain. Tell me the truth, no matter how hurtful, directly to me and hopefully as soon as possible. Don't tell me a lie and expect me to be okay after discovering the truth. Because I will find out, and it will cost us both.
   This is how I live my life, both before and after. And, more often than not, it works. Even if it has faltered a few times, coming back to that has rarely let me down. I don't know a time when it has.

   How about you? Are you hiding behind a mask, or showing the world who you are?

-Kayla