Wandering in my Thoughts

   Hey, everyone. Now for the second scheduled post. It'll be in the past by a day or so, meaning my thought process will probably be off by that much.

   Anyway, I was thinking again. I knew, several, several months ago that something big would happen in the friend department of my life. It was inevitable, to me. With another transition year beginning, I knew it'd involve those closest to me. I never imagined what actually happened to be what I predicted. Though, when it did, I wasn't really surprised.
   The first time, I had some friends who said we'd be "Best Friends Forever" and "Best Friends For Life". As that transition began and we started the new chapter of our lives, they slowly left me behind. It didn't really make sense to me. Most of us were going to the same exact place. Why was I starting to be ignored, given odd looks when I spoke, or avoided altogether?
   It took me months to finally break out of my shyness enough to make a new friend in a place I had no help in navigating. It took me years to realize that the treatment had gone on longer than I'd realized. And only in the past year or so did I finally make peace with it.
   Perfect timing, though, right? Another transition year, and one of the few friends I'd confided with the specifics and feelings of that story is ripped away from me. Partially by her own doing and some of mine.

   Violet says I shouldn't have to apologize for my feelings, things like that. I do anyway, mostly because that's just a part of my nature. I get angry and I cry right afterward because I hate myself for being that way, even for a moment. Drives some people nuts, because they still want to be mad, but it's harder to be mad at a crying person. I can't help it! I hate it when I'm angry.
   Depression hurts a lot. It makes you not want to care about your emotions until you're completely numb and can't even feel anything anymore. Tying that with Social Anxiety makes it ten times worse. With that, you care way to much, about what others say, think, and the same about what you say about others or yourself, or what you yourself think about others/yourself. Two sides on the opposite ends of the spectrum, constantly pulling at you.
   I've had to claw myself out of a lot of cages those two things try to wrap me in. Luckily I've got some friends on the other side of those bars, fighting on the other end. Sometimes I'm scared I won't get out. Sometimes I think that there's another cage, on that's bigger than the rest, that I don't know is there. My friends aren't in there and they won't be able to help me there. But someday, I know I'll have the strength to break that down, too.

   I've got a song today. I don't own it, on CD or the copy-write and all that fun stuff. It's from that Disney Channel movie Descendants. To be honest, this is the only song I like from the movie. The ending song is okay, but the rest are 'eh' to me.
   To me, this song isn't about being in love and trying to figure out those feelings. Sure, maybe if I ever get a boyfriend (yes, I have never had one before), then maybe. This feels more to me like how I feel now, with my friends. Will I ever know who I will truly be? Will my friends still be around if someone says something that puts me in a bad light, but is the truth? How do I know if my heart is leading me in the right direction if even my friends seem to think it's wrong?

-Kayla