Goodbye... For Now

Hey, everyone,

     So it's been nearly 2 years... whoops. I checked on this randomly, and I'm like, oh, I never actually made an official goodbye.
     Basically, buckle your seatbelts, it's gonna be a ride.

     With all this mess going on in the year 2020, I've had a lot of time for self-reflection. More than I usually do, that is. What I figured out a while back is that I think of myself as very self-centered, but also have put myself down a lot. Basically, because I can get so wrapped up in my own head, sometimes I think that I don't deserve the friends I've had or have. Which is easy to believe when I was living in an environment where not a lot of folks would acknowledge me, even if I was their friend. Heck, I almost got forgotten in places when I got distracted by some random thing.
     Now, I'm going to talk about senior year because that's the origin of this blog, and honestly, I've barely thought about it since my last post here. It's only come up recently more because, for some reason, I've been dreaming about my old friends, and strangely, the most common one is being talked behind my back again. Honestly, I couldn't give a crap about that now. People will believe what they want, and I'll keep being me.
    At the risk of sounding self-centered, I owe it to myself to let this rest. I'll leave the blog up, and maybe someday I'll write again. But here's my final thoughts as of now, to let this go.
    (Apologies if I repeat myself from past posts, I know I do that a lot.)

     My depression and anxiety kept me from speaking up about how I was actually feeling. This blog was one way I could vent and I changed names so that the general public wouldn't know the identities of anyone. Thing is, some friends knew the people behind the names and took offense to my fears and feelings that I had no outlet for, so I ended up apologizing for a lot, which, honestly, I don't think I should have. What should have happened is I should have been more honest about how I was feeling in the first place, instead of just ducking my head and trying not to offend people I cared so deeply about.

      This quote ("If someone tells you you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.") is something that's run through my head since senior year of high school. I was told by at least one of my former friends that they didn't hurt me. Which made no sense to me. Because I was hurting and it was their actions that caused it. So like, I was confused and heartbroken and scared because I didn't know if maybe I was just overreacting. Maybe I was like everyone said and too sensitive.

     I know now that I was both right and wrong. I was hurt and pushed to the side and taken for granted. The friends that were supposed to treat me right decided their version of right wasn't something I should have been hurt so deeply by. Honestly, to me, that just proves how little they knew me. I also never got an explanation or an answer for what happened. Part of me still wants something, anything to know why things happened the way they did. The hardest thing to accept is that things just happen. They don't always have a nice and easy explanation attached.
     But I was also wrong. I got mad and lashed out, pushing people away. In my depressed state and full of fear, I could no longer see the good in people I'd been friends with. Maybe I shouldn't have. Maybe I should have explained myself more, helped them to see how confused and lost I was. Maybe I should have been more open about how I saw patterns repeating themselves and that's when I finally drew the line.
     I never actually told one person the reason I left was because I knew that they'd talked bad about me again, but acted like I was still mad about senior year so that they could come forward with the new information themselves. Stupid, right? People can't read minds. But in the moment, it was another apology I never got.

     Now I've gone through college, somewhat. I've found out I'm ace and trans. I've gotten a better handle on my depression and anxiety. Mostly I can thank a lot of that to Felix and another of my best friends I met in college. They've stuck by me and I know I can depend on them, no matter how busy we are.
     True, I've got other friends. We chat every now and then, in some cases once a year because I've learned that while other friends are crappy at keeping contact, I'm not innocent of that either. So sometimes you have to be the one to reach out. Because not everyone has Felix's powers of knowing I want to talk and will randomly reach out of the blue.
     I've also learned how to let go of people that are bad for me. Another "friend" in college told me over text that he and other friends of mine made fun of me when I wasn't around. Then I let go of some more recently when they got all fussed I've been supporting the Black Lives Matter movement. In their defense, I don't think they know they're racist. Still, I dropped them anyway. People having rights, or the lack of them, because of something they cannot control isn't an opinion or an argument that we should be having.

     Wrapping this up, I just want to say, I don't hate the people I leave. Sure, I get really angry and pissed at first, but after a while, it aches. I still miss the people I left in high school. We went through a lot together and then... yeah. I don't hate them, I just know for my own peace of mind, I can't trust them how I used to.
     But now I also can't see them graduate college. Now I can't hear about their lives and be so proud of them and their accomplishments. Back in high school graduation, I smiled and clapped the hardest for my friends because we did it. And I was so extremely proud of them, even as I thought my own accomplishments were lesser. I'm still so proud of them.
     Now that's gone. I can't tell them how I feel because I severed those ties.

     Part of me still thinks we'll see each other again someday. Mostly because I've found that's just how the world works. The one thing that's changed is I used to dread it. Or, I'll admit, because I wanted to be petty and be like, "See, I'm not the failure you predicted I'd be."
     But that doesn't matter to me. Not as much anymore, anyway. Now I kind of just want to see how things are going. Know that they're safe and happy and healthy.
     That's all I've ever wanted, really.

     In case you're wondering where the pettiness energy went, it's going into my books. And it's being translated into as many LGBT characters as I can possibly write. One of my old stories from senior year has gone from a hetero romance in the background to girl power lesbians. Because fight me, lol.
    Am I maybe overcompensating for not being able to express myself for most of my life...

     Seriously, though, jumping back. Any old friends who are reading this and I did you wrong without realizing, I'm truly sorry. I know how much it can hurt, and the last thing I'd wish on anyone is for them to go through what I did.

     Finally, I'll leave this blog with Thomas Sanders' song "Recipe for Me". I relate a lot to it and I know others do as well.
     Goodbye for now. I wish you all the best.

-Kay

PS: As of right now, the greater amount of folks I know don't know I'm trans, so that's still a thing I know the folks who know me reading this will respect. And that you very much for that. :)

Waves of Change

Hey, everyone,

     Well, so I've decided something. I'll be keeping this blog up for as long as I can, but once I start the seperateYouTube in who knows how long, I'll probably be posting less. The reason mostly being that new start I mentioned in the last post, also to avoid repeating content. I'll be saying whatever comes to my mind, similar to how I do here. Though less filtered in videos, I think. We'll see.

     To the actual post, though, I've been shifting. A lot. Like, earlier I was slammed into feeling like a girl again when I felt like a boy for days. No idea what happened to cause it. Then I was neutral for the rest of the day, going into male feeling for a while, before going back to neutral where I am now. (It's been a few days since I wrote this, so I was neutral for a long while and now I'm back to more male-sided.)
     Mostly, I'm pretty sure I'm shifting so much is because the rest of me is trying to catch up with these realizations. Part of me is still trying to revert back to my repressed self while most of me is doing its best to let loose. And I'm perfectly fine just riding it out. Like, I'll go most of the day without even thinking about it and then there's a shift, so the thoughts come back.

     Anyway, I know I can handle this. I know I can figure it out. After all, it's not something I can just go to counseling or be diagnosed for like I would for my depression, anxiety, or ADHD. Because not being straight and/or not being cisgender isn't a mental illness. There are sexual disorders, but those are all externally caused and have nothing to do with what gender (or non-gender) you're attracted to. Except for pedophilia, but that's a whole different can of worms. (Seriously, there are people who try and have "gender doesn't matter so age shouldn't matter" in a campaign to add in people who are attracted to children into the LGBT+ community; I say I don't like judging, but that's just honestly messed up.)
     Gender dysphoria is, however, a mental illness, but not everyone who is non-binary or trans has that. Gender dysphoria, according to my class textbook, can only really be determined when the patient themselves is extremely distressed by their dysphoria. This dysphoria has to do with having someone identify as a certain gender, but their body doesn't match what's in their head. It's distressing to the point that it can cause severe depression and distress in someone.
     Like, I have dysphoria to a point so I might have been diagnosed a while back if I knew there was something for how I felt. Still, I'm more upset by my dysphoria when I don't know what's going on, but that's the same as how I feel with most problems in my life (aka, probably more just my anxiety causing issues). Since researching more and more about being non-binary and the possibility I might actually be genderfluid, my dysphoria I felt even a few days ago has significantly lessened. I feel less disconnected from myself, which has been a relieving feeling.
     And friends. I'll never be more thankful for the friends I trusted with this information. I mean, one of them (that I know of) has recently been looking up info on what non-binary is. Not sure if that's because of me. Either way, it's still great because they're able to tell me information they found when I hadn't found it yet and was growing confused. For example, the other day I felt like a guy and girl at the same time and they told me that they'd seen that mentioned in a few places, so they understood the theory. And that's how I figured out there's a high chance I'm genderfluid. The more I've relaxed, the more I've become comfortable with letting myself shift rather than repressing it. Which is probably why it seems out of control sometimes. It is stabilizing, though.

     Also, for anyone who's curious, this is the definition of genderfluid I've found that I relate most to (which is I believe most of those identifying this way): can identify as male, female, both, or neither at different times. So, that scale I mentioned in earlier posts is a bit more wibbly-wobbly than I thought. But, honestly, I'm okay with that. Going by they/them and being called by my gender-neutral name (although not said a lot yet) has been helping a ton, regardless of the gender I'd currently be experiencing. I'm still okay with she/her and my real name, but I'm not going to be surprised anymore if that changes.
     I'll talk in the next post about misgendering and the effects of that and how to help. Like, I've been learning about it with my research and it's actually something that's helped a lot (which is weird). Anyway, that's for another post.

     See you in the next one!

-Kay

Everything is Fluid

Hey, everyone,

     So, as promised, here's me gonna be going on about being non-binary. I've been holding off, mostly because I'm planning on moving on to another platform someday. Probably not in relation to this blog, though. Yeah, covering the same message and basic format, but in what I'm thinking about, it'll just be me and fewer people will know the face behind it. As it is, I've been realizing how many friends I thought didn't read this blog after my initial introducing it to them are actually still reading it, I want to get a better fresh start.
     Mainly, the primary reason more has to do with the topic here.

     See, I started this blog way back when. Before I learned more about myself. Before I started reaching out more in my views of faith and became more accepting of the people and ideas around me. I understand all the teachings of the Church, but I don't always agree with some teachings that some Christians have been taught or are teaching. And that's not to say I'm right or they're wrong. That's just my personal faith journey.
     I also started this blog before I started accepting myself. Yeah, sure, I'd accepted I had anxiety and depression and all the fun stuff to go along with it. But I hadn't accepted everything else about myself like I thought I had.
     We live in a cisgender heteronormative culture. Or at least, I do. That's not the same around the world. And I think people forget that sometimes. Anyway, my point is, any deviation and it was wrong, odd, more than what I was already presenting to everyone. I mean, I was always the odd-ball out, the quiet one, the loner (the last one not always by choice, but that's a different issue). Either way, I've been looking back and seeing just how much I repressed everything. It's grown even more apparent as I've stopped (for the most part?) holding it back.

     Before I think I said in a previous post, I said I didn't stray far into the guy side of that 1-10 scale. I'm starting to think I was wrong after the past four days. For some reason, I kept shifting more and more into that side. It didn't feel weird or different, but it was a little confusing at first. Mostly because I didn't realize that was what was happening.
     That is, until I came to the realization that, yeah, maybe I don't know how a guy feels to base myself off of, but also that not all guys are the same. Just like not all girls are the same. So, like, the only base I can go off of is me, and I'm not even an "average girl" when in that mindset. Once I realized these things, the image of me as a guy popped up in my mind. Usually, things like that take time to conjure up. But the speed of this one made me realize that it's probably been in my subconscious for a while. And in looking at me, in that form, if you will...
      It was amazing. Like, one of the first signs, to me, that I really couldn't be making this up. The dysphoria and moments where I didn't feel at place in my body, those weren't fake. Those feelings, which I'd been having for years, that wasn't all in my head anymore. They had names(non-binary, genderfluid, etc), there was a face, there was a voice. There was me.

     Another moment (not long after) would be when Felix called me by the genderneutral name I'd been thinking about and run by him as something to maybe call me by sometimes. In that moment, paired with the other words around it, I was so happy that I cried, which is rare. I'll often say I'll be so happy that I'll cry, but it rarely actually happens. The three times I can remember all involve Felix, though.
     Anyway, so to that title up there, I've also been thinking about my sexuality. Basically, (I think!) when I'm more neutral in the gender category, either no gender or feeling somewhat both, then I'm more ace. But when I'm in either specific gender mindset (1-3.5 or 6.5-10 on the scale), then I'm feeling more demi/bi. Not 100% sure, but that's where it's at right now.
     My sexuality and gender are both as fluid as the other, that much I do know. I might start saying I'm gender fluid now rather than non-binary, but I think I'll stay with the latter for some time yet because I'm not all sure.

     Either way, it's been a long several weeks and I'm signing off for the night. See you in the next post!

-Kay
(PS, I'm gonna come up with a better name here, because that one is odd to me)

Trapped in the Corner

Hey, everyone,

     So, the last post was really ranty. And I'm sorry about that, to everyone. Basically, when my fear and anxiety get a hold of me, it's really hard to shake. I mean, Violet can attest to that. We were talking about some stuff the other day and both had problems communicating to the point where we both were afraid we wrecked our friendship.
     When I get anxious or feel like I'm trapped in a corner, I lash out in some direction. Not always to harm or hurt. Just to get my words out because I feel like I can't do anything else. For example, I've been playing a game called Guild Wars 2 recently where I have to go on missions and fight things. With my character, I can do ranged attacks. Sadly built in with the mechanism, if you're too overzealous in your technic, you can draw unwanted attention by accidentally targetting more enemies automatically. The "unwanted attention" in this case was I managed to lash out and do the overall undesired action. Which was to hurt others. Both in my recent conversations with Violet and in my last post.

     That being said, everyone's probably sick of me talking about Carmen and Nora and I get it. Believe me, I want to stop too. It's not fair to them or me. All three of us are trying to move on with our lives without me dragging in what happened or anything after. But I'll say right now, it's not easy.
     All my life, a few people keep telling me I dwell on things too much (*cough* family *cough*). Then after that, I'm like, okay... So how do you want me to not? Because in their eyes if I talk about something they believe has already been "taken care of", then it's a moot point. Right? Wrong. If I'm still talking about it and getting emotional, there's something other than the already moved on aspects that are bothering me.
     The reason I'm bringing this up is that I'll talk with my therapist about Senior year as more of just an example now than an "I'm still bothered about what they did." And yeah, am I bothered about it still? Maybe? I don't know anymore, honestly. It's not about the people directly. Actually, it's really not about them specifically. It more has to do with the fact that it wasn't the first occurrence. It had happened once before to me years and years ago with an entirely different group of friends. So, of course, it would make a bigger impact on me the second time around.
     Senior year was already hard on me before the whole thing happened. Honestly, I feel like I'm the one at fault for the events to happen the way they did sometimes. I didn't know what was wrong with me. My depression and anxiety were getting worse and worse and I didn't feel like I had anyone to turn to. I cried almost every night trying to find some solace in feeling... something, anything. So I would lash out at people around me, my friends who I felt like they were the only people I could trust, in a kind of warped hope that they would notice and stop me. Of course it would backfire. Why wouldn't it? No one likes being lashed out at from something that they don't know what they did.
     In current anxiety terms, yeah, I still lash out at them. The old friends, I mean. Granted, I don't lash out as much at the new ones. Though I still do a little more than I should sometimes. But either way, most of the lashing is in my head because I know once the anxiety and cornered feelings are gone, that's not the "real me", in a sense. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone or make them uncomfortable. Heck, it's not even just the old friends, it's my family, too. I rarely said a word or gave a hint of how bad I was until these past few months, and yet I expected back then for them to notice and help me. Granted, there were many hints... Anyway, not the point, moving on. I'm not perfect in my approaches. So I shouldn't automatically expect everyone else to be. That's stupid. We're all human. And humans make mistakes. Duh.

     Anxiety, depression, ADHD, demisexual, bisexual, non-binary, and trust. All these words come up a lot in my blog, especially now. And that's because I've been looking back on my life and looking ahead. Mostly because of those last four. Being any part of the LGBT+ community is both liberating and terrifying. You're free because you finally know you're not going crazy and there's a whole community to support you, but then you're terrified because people you know, people you care about, may not accept you. And it calls into question more of who you can trust.
     Past experience tells me at some point, I'll be more over my anxieties and doubts about who I am, where I stand in life, and who's right there with me. That's what happened with the original case from many years ago. So I'm not dumb enough (right now) to say that there is a chance I'll be able to trust my old friends again. Even if it's not to the same degree as it used to be. If they were the first offense, it might be easier to trust more again. However, because someone else did the deed first, I'm more guarded. But that's not all a bad thing. It means I'm more guarded with others in my life, too. There are friends I dropped in college because I couldn't trust them with my mental illnesses, let alone my LBGT+ background. Guarded trust shouldn't mean you trust no one. It just means you should be more careful about how you go about doing things and who it's with.

     Anyway, I wanted to say sorry again to all my friends, old and new alike. Lashing out at you guys is just as hard on me as it is on you guys. And I probably beat at myself more than I should for it. But honestly, it's gotten a lot better. Anyone who's current with me in my life personally knows that and even those who don't hopefully know it as well to some degree.
     Either way, communication is the most important thing in any relationship. Friends, family, significant other, you name it. Heck, even during a school project. If no one talks, anyone having a problem never discussed may start to sit on it without realizing it. I can attest to that personally. (spoiler alert: it sucks)
     For me, personally, I really prefer a long chat with someone rather than five minutes small talk because, otherwise, I don't get all my words out right. Then anything that needs to be talked about is talked about rather than not even mentioned. Seriously, ask anyone who talks on the phone with me. I'll sound like a stiff robot if I know it's quick. But then you get me talking and I can't shut up. It's a thing. That goes to the other side, too. I like being able to hear everyone's side, but if the other side doesn't talk... Well, then I'm a sitting lump. Back when I was little, I think I made everyone else feel like a lump. With friends since then, I think those same people want me to go back into that locked box because they don't know what to do with me now that I have a voice and more expression to me. (*cough* family *cough* (Am I throwing too much shade with a dash of pettiness? Maybe. ~I really don't care.~)) I'll probably talk about that more in depth at some point, along with the many things I've been thinking about being non-binary.

     Now I'm gonna stop blathering on and leave a video here. It's more Thomas Sanders because he just came out with a new Cartoon Therapy video that's been in the works for weeks. I'm probably going to watch it again because it's really worth it. If you've got time, I encourage you to watch it, too.
     I'm also gonna add a song in case anyone wants a shorter thing or two things. I really love it a lot and hope someday to sing it with friends to inspire others.
     (I own nothing, all credits to the creators of the respectful things.)

-Kay
(PS I'm gonna start signing these more gender neutral-ish just to see how I feel about it; you know, they/them dealio)

Another Surprise...

Hey, everyone,

     So, in the last few posts, I've come out of the closet. Very vocally in the last one. But... the reason I haven't posted since is that I've been hiding one more thing. Meaning, any friends also reading this blog still? Don't say anything to anyone just in case they don't know. This is something I'm even more nervous about telling others. Like, I cried after telling Felix because I was terrified he'd hate me (he doesn't by the way, quite the opposite still).

     Anyway... well...
     [deep breath]
     I'm non-binary.
     There you go. There you have it.

     Honestly, I've been conflicted for a few weeks about posting here about this or talking about it since being non-binary is a little bit more complicated for people to accept or understand than someone being gay or bi or ace or something else. Even though those are also still hard for people to get. Depends on who you talk to.
     Either way, to answer some probably common questions:
     No, I'm not trans. I'm not a guy now, but I'm also not all girl. I still go by she/her pronouns and my given name, although sometimes they/them does feel appealing to my ears. Non-binary just means I don't fit in either the female or male binary. I'm somewhere in between.
     Basically, to sum it up by using an analogy I saw in a YouTube video by some queergender (another term used to describe non-binary, though less common because it can be a slur) folks (I think they're trans...? I'm sure about one but not the other), it's like a scale. Like this:
1 = female
5 = neutral
10 = male
     Most days since I've realized, I'll put myself as a 4 or 5. Maybe even a 3. Then there are other days where I'm at a nice 2 or 6. I've been close to 7, but I've gotta say, I'm really not much higher on the scale in that direction? Granted, it has been only a few weeks since I've been ranking and it's not perfect.

     If you're thinking, "well, you've never said anything before or shown that kind of feeling before, maybe you're just confused and following whatever the kids these days say on the internet or in college." Buddy, I have news for you.
     I've always felt this way. Kinda similar to being bi, I squished it down even more so. I hid behind my skirts and feminine clothing because that's what I had to do. That was the social norm of where I was. You look down at what was between your legs or on your chest and there you go. Black and white. And honestly, some days it sucked. Because it was everywhere. Home, school, the store, anywhere. At least, that's what my brain thinks it remembers. I'll say right now, depression and anxiety combined with ADHD sometimes can really warp some thoughts. Not to invalidate anything, though. Feelings and experiences are still important and I'm the only one who can "decide" what I experienced/felt about something.
     ANYWAY, since going to college, I've been able to wear whatever the heck I wanted. So I brought a lot of my clothing along from high school and life and everything. Want to know what I wore the most after that first semester? Hoodie and pjs. The most gender neutral I think any human being can be capable of. Granted some of my pjs visible would be bright pink, but even then I didn't care. It wasn't until I was more aware of what the word non-binary was that I realized that's why it felt sooo much better to me.

     One example of how I know I'm non-binary is something I went through yesterday. It wasn't the first time, but it is the first time I did something about it.
     Now, to start off, recently I had to buy a new swimsuit. I rarely wear one so I didn't care it was slightly too small until recently. When looking in the mirror and wearing it, I loved it. I look really good in it, which is how I felt in it and what other said afterward. I'd usually avoid wearing swimsuits because I didn't always feel that way. After what happened yesterday, things finally connected on why that was.
     Yesterday I was feeling around a 6, nearing 7. I'd tucked my hair in a hat all day (it's quite long and I have no desire to cut it) and was wearing more gender neutral colors and clothing. It didn't bother me that my chest isn't flat, so that was fine. I just wanted to be a person. Then... later in the day, I had to put on a swimsuit. The plan was I was going to go swimming with some people, which I normally duck out on. But the previous night I was excited about it and couldn't wait to wear my swimsuit again. So I had it with me and went and changed.
     Oh my gosh, it was like a living nightmare. Okay, maybe not that bad, but close. It was so uncomfortable with it on and then I looked in the mirror and the feeling got worse. Like, I almost threw up. Luckily, I'd picked out some shorts and a zip-up sweater to go over it to walk to the pool in. As soon as it was out of sight I could breathe again, but I could still feel it, obviously.
     Long story short, I managed to not go swimming without outing myself from the closet and just sat by the pool after changing back. Luckily I've gained a longstanding reputation for not swimming so everyone has stopped trying to guilt me into it. But the whole time I was just thinking about that experience and remembering every other time I would dread doing something similar.
     Today I probably wouldn't be as bad wearing it. I was at more a 4-5 again. But one thing that made me really happy about the past two days is that no one asked about my hat. The one comment I got about it was someone saying "I like your hat and how you've been making your hair 'short' and long." That was probably one of the best compliments I've ever gotten and she didn't even know. (Some of the others being Felix and his reactions to things I do. He fanboys a lot and it's very adorable. Have I said how much I love him yet?)

     This post is long already, so I'm going to end here for now. But I'm going to talk more about this because I'm not what everyone else in this non-binary spectrum/umbrella is. So I'm just going to talk about it and if someone else is similar, hopefully, this helps. And anyone who's just curious how at least one person feels/experiences being non-binary. It'll probably help me a lot, too.
     Goodnight for now, my friends. And I'll also add a song for you. I love this one and this version is a new cover I recently discovered. It's so great.

-Kayla

Pride Month As a Queer Christian

Heyo, everyone!

     So, for the first time in a while, I'm actually lightheartedly remembering to write a post. Whoo-hoo!

      Anyway, so, at some point or another I'm going to create videos for that YouTube channel. Trust me, I'm working on it. It's just taking a while because I need to make videos when I've got a lot of alone time. Meaning, I have to wait until my family is out of the house.
     Why's that? Well, other than the depression and anxiety and ADHD talks which they don't know as much about, they also don't know I'm bi. Demi? I have no clue, honestly. The labels are so confusing.

     Like, I know I like guys. That's always been apparent to me. Liking girls was too, but it was really hard to acknowledge that because I repressed it for so long. Why I did that will be explained in a moment. Now, the other thing is, I'm still figuring out the sexual attraction thing...
     So, there are all these people out there that are "good looking." That always was just like, "Um, okay." in my thoughts. Physical appearance didn't do much for me. Still doesn't really, not on most people. More so now than it used to be, but I don't know if that's age and hormones or society and peer pressure from high school. Possibly both. Anyway, you know, sex and stuff like that will probably be nice, seeing how much I enjoy kissing my boyfriend (which he'll probably tease me about once he sees this). But it's still not really that important to me. I find cuddling and things like that with Felix way more enjoyable than kissing sometimes.
     From all this, I know I'm bisexual (liking two different genders) and also demisexual (being sexually attracted to someone after a strong emotional connection). But am I also like, ace or something? Like, I know there's one out there where sexual attraction doesn't really matter. Well, I mean, more that they don't care for sex, don't really need it to be happy. Or just don't want it.

     It's all really confusing. Sometimes I wish I hadn't gone to Catholic school, not really for any other reason than that maybe I could have figured this out sooner. That I could be happier with who I am, sexually. It wasn't until junior year I started hearing about more sexualities and orientations than just being gay or trans. Then in college I relaxed enough and became more confident, meeting more people who were accepting of me as a person, plus more of the LGBT+ community, which made me realize "Wow, I really am bi." Seriously, I was just sitting a few months ago, contemplating life like I do sometimes, when it hit me like a brick. I'm bi!
     Right after that, I messaged Felix, because I was so confused. There were so many things that could be wrong with that. Acceptance being the main one. Like, I'm a Methodist who went to Catholic schools for 14 years and a Christian college that has mixed acceptance of the LGBT+ community. Anything in the LGBT+ community was frowned upon. So who could I tell, who could I trust? I didn't think anyone would hate me, but I didn't want them to treat me differently. It was hard enough finding friends who were okay with my mental illnesses. Were they going to be okay with me being queer, too?

     I got really lucky, in the range of people knowing and not telling others or judging poorly me for it. So far, out of my friends, six people know now. Maybe seven, if one read my blog. I sent them a link to this a month or two ago, saying, hey, I write this blog, you should check it out. It was kind of my roundabout way of telling her, because I know I can trust her, I just didn't know how she might react.
     Seriously, round about talking is pretty much the only way I seem to be able to come out. Like, after Felix, I told maybe one more person straight (*silently laughs*) out. Then I started discussions with two friends to see where they stood and told them after when I'd built up the courage. Although, I'm not sure if I told one straight (*silently laughs more*) out. But she reads this blog, too, so if I haven't told you, I'm sorry! But she did help, too, so I'm very grateful to that. With the other friends, I sent Thomas Sanders pictures to one in a group chat (the others in it already knew) and then to another I related myself to a tv show character that all the fans have deemed bisexual (he is, though, it's only a matter of time before he realizes it).
     Any other personal friends of mine who still read this blog: Please, please, please, don't tell anyone. Talk to me directly, don't ask anyone else. My family doesn't even know yet and I want to be the one to tell people I'm bi/demi/queer. That's my thing.

     At some point, I'll come out to everyone. I've stated before that this blog is under a pen name of mine. So while I'm coming out here, on my other social media, I'm still "straight" in most everyone's eyes. Honestly, I'm debating waiting until I'm married so that the backlash isn't as bad. I mean, no one can really say anything when that happens.
     But I freaking swear, if someone thinks I'll cheat on Felix just cause I'm bi, s*** is hitting the fan. Whoever came up with that pathetic warped view makes me seriously annoyed.

    Anyway, here are some videos I've been watching recently that have been helping me feel more content with myself. Because like I said before, being a Christian and queer is tough. But one quote from one of these videos stuck to me: "The fact is, God made me this way. I find it hard to believe He'd create me just to hate me."
     Just because I'm bi/demi/queer, it doesn't mean I can't be happy being me. No matter what, It's important that I'm proud of who I am. And you should be, too. And that includes anyone else who's not in the LGBT+ community as well. We all need to be proud of who we are.

     I hope this helps anyone else out there! Whatever happens, it's okay. You're not alone. And whether you know or don't or questioning or whatever, it'll be okay. No one knows you better than you know you.

     I'll be back soon! See you in the next post.

-Kayla

Friends turned Best Friends

   Hey, everybody! So, just a warning, this is gonna be super sappy, but I said early on in the makings of this blog, I share happy and random thoughts as much as I do sad thoughts on bad days. Either way, I'm about to tell you all about a very special person close to my heart in this post today.

  First, however, I want to express my thankfulness and gratitude to Violet for her post yesterday. We talked about it afterword, but it doesn't hurt to say it here as well. She's a very close friend of mine, as she's expressed and I've said in past posts. If you've been here a while, you'll notice I talk about her most out of my friends. That's because, like she comes to me, I go to her to figure out what the heck is going on in my head. Both with mental illness issues and anything to do with writing. Which is another thing, her writing is not absolute trash!!! I love reading it and so will you, I hope.
   (Also, that aerobics video was on point. XD)
   But, really, I asked her to join because most of my advice here has either come from my own intuition or something she told me and it bled into my subconscious. And I love working on things like this with her. I think asking her to join me to talk with all of you is a wonderful idea. She speaks with her own voice, which I think is something to be admired and treasured in a friend like her. :)

   Now... I'm probably going to embarrass myself and someone else very much with the rest of this post. But, to be fair, he has also been offered a place on this blog as an author when I revealed that I was the author of this blog to him. And he has accepted, so no doubt he'll get back at me for writing about this, making me go more shy than I'm about to make myself.
   If you haven't guess or missed my occasional references of him before, though no name of him has been included as of yet, I am talking about my boyfriend.

   His real name, like all mentioned here, is going to be left unknown. What he's decided to be called here is Felix. Being the dork he is, that's the name of a book character and a dragon, no less. I don't mind, though. We're both dorky and nerdy. Pretty much how we met in the first place, actually. Whether it's meeting on FB through a post I made or in person for a nerd meeting (which was sadly cancelled that day), both of our "first meetings" had something to do with being total nerds.
   Felix has been a part of my life since pretty much right around when we started college together. I honestly had no idea he'd become so important to me as the months passed by. We just grew closer as friends, not really admitting to ourselves or each other that we may like the other more than just as friends. When he told me he liked me (finally), it took me three weeks to tell him outright I returned his feelings. As cliche as it sounds, everyone knowing the truth before we did ourselves is completely true. We found that out not long after we got together when pretty much everyone admitted to us that they figured it was bound to happen.

   But, really, though, Felix means the world to me. He's helped me so much through rough days already. Whether it's been me in tears or not speaking at all, he's been there for me. In return, I've helped him through his bad days, talking with him and giving hugs. And most of this was before we even started dating!
   Honestly, I'm just happy every day when I get to wake up and I'll have a message from him because he woke up before me. It's different, I'll admit and I'm probably bias on liking his messages most when my phone vibrates. But I'm happy. Which can be said for a lot in the past year and a half.
   I mostly had that gap between November and March of no posts because that was when a remembrance of everything that had happened the year before was re-occurring. So even though I was very happy when I started dating Felix, I was afraid to get back on the blog and bring back all those memories. However, with each anniversary, if you will, that came up, Felix would do something to keep my mind off what had happened a year before. And it worked. Even when other sad memories come up and he helps talk me through them or just spends time with me, I always make sure to thank him. Because what he, and other friends, do for me on days like those are things I'll always be trying to repay.

   I miss Felix greatly at the moment. He's halfway across the world on an abroad trip through the college. We've worked it out for good nights and good mornings. I'll admit, the first week was hard. I worried constantly, whether I said so or not. But he's having a great time and we have long talks when we can, sometimes staying up later than either of us should.
   I'm really proud of him. Not just for what school work he's doing out there, but also what he's gone through up until now. Since he's going to be an author here as well, I'll leave it to him to share what parts of his story he wants told. I can say, though, that I love him very much and I thank God every day for bringing us together.

   Now, enough of the sappy talk. I'll leave it here with a song. No doubt I'll be teased about being all adorable or something. But I'll do the same to him when he writes about me, so ha!
   I don't own this song and all credits go to their rightful owners. It's just awesome. I love Really Slow Motion's music.

-Kayla

Time Goes By...

   Hey, everyone. I know it's been a while again. Getting back into the writing mode is harder than I thought it'd be. I'm trying, so I'm going to start how I did before. Something long and meaningful.

   When I started this blog, everything hurt. I didn't know what was going on in my life. Everything felt like it was crashing down around me. I was trying, but nothing seemed to be working.
   Now, if you've been following my blog, you know how much I hold value in friendship. Not long before I started this blog, I was stabbed in the back by one of the few I had. To add salt to the wound, I'd been dealing with heavy anxiety and depressive episodes. (I'm working on getting diagnosed for depression officially, so I'm trying to be careful in how I word this.)

   When I started, even here, behind a screen, I tried acting like I was okay. My peppy bright posts about something random were usually after when I had a day of "no thought". It hurt and I hated it. But on my worse days, I made some of my most important posts. Forgiveness, my most read, is one.
   I'm going to be honest, I didn't know how I was going to make it to the end of last year. I started going uphill, but then different events made me go back down into that hole again for varying reasons. I kept climbing, but each hit brought me down deeper again. Eventually I asked some friends to make sure I stopped dodging out of going into counseling. And, God bless them, they did. Even threatened to drag me in there themselves.

   I am so thankful for all of my friends. They mean the world to me and I don't even know how I managed to find some of them. After making a lot of quick-friends, it took some of my bad days to figure out who were real-friends. The others I don't talk to as much, mostly because they just wouldn't understand what I would go through with a split-second change.
   Now with several months now of only a few bad days, I'm still extraordinarily grateful for the friends I have. I'm making new memories that are slowly replacing the old. I've mentioned my new boyfriend a few times and he certainly helps me through a lot of all that. New, happier memories. Though I won't share how because even if they are chaste, they're still special private moments in my heart.

   My point is, time goes by. Good and bad. The worst times will pass. I don't think that I've gotten through the worst to ever happen to me, but now I have some solid footing, which I didn't really have before.
   Whatever comes, I'll be ready. And I hope to help others through their hard times, too. Cause if there's one thing I've learned from all this: You can't go through it alone.

-Kayla

A New Approach

Hello, everyone.

   So, I should probably admit, I didn't know how to continue here on this blog. Mostly because my life is significantly better than it's been since around a year ago when I first created this blog. Maybe I've said that before. How am I supposed to keep writing a blog about fighting depression and anxiety when most of that has gone away? Well, it's still there, but you know what I mean.
   But I've been told through a chain of friends that maybe I should try talking about how things have gotten better. That after all that fighting and hopelessness, there is a happy ending. How I became the person I've been searching for. A person who has gone through all those problems and made it through. Someone who's proof that happy endings do come.

   Life is not done for me yet. I doubt that I will never go through hard times again very much. There are such things as relapses and there are still stupid people out there who'll make you think you're crazy for having a mental illness or think you're just making things up.
   Still, I want to keep writing here. I want to keep fighting with memories like I created this blog for. Because every day we make up new memories, new moments that make life worth living.
   I watch the show Once Upon a Time and one quote concerning that rings a bell when I think about it:
   "Life is made up of moments. Good ones, bad ones, but they're all worth living. Look for the good moments between the bad ones." -Prince Charming/ David Nolan/ Josh Dallas (all credits go to the writers of OUaT)

   I'm making new memories, good ones that make the bad ones start to disappear. People that I used to be afraid of I can now start standing up to. Even Carmen has mostly gone out of my mind. I know I ranted a lot about her, another reason why I stopped writing for a while, to her  get out of my head.
   Anyway, I know more people, I have new friends with some of the old. People who actually understand, though also those who don't, but then I don't talk to them about this. Mostly because I know there's no use trying to convince a brick wall that they're in the wrong. They'll most likely learn on their own.

   This blog was made to create hope. So, why not start by proving that it exists?

-Kayla

My Story

   This has been a long time coming, both in posting and in telling this. This being my story.
   I'll start by saying that all the names here I use are fictional. This is to keep others mentioned here private and to protect my own privacy. I started out that way and will continue to do so. The story and people, however, are very much true and real.
   I'm still a Christian girl, that is very true. I do have depression and anxiety, though those have lessened considerably since my last post.

   I started this when I was in high school and into college. For my senior year, while most everyone else had a good time, mine was less. Though this was mostly in my own mind, as far as anyone else could see.
   The summer before was not great. I was losing a friend as she transferred schools and feared I may lose another as the summer wore on. This is when I finally realized and admitted I had depression and social anxiety.
   Things got better when we came back to school, as I still had a small support system and my other friend had not left. But then everything just started going downhill as the stress of getting ready for college set in.
   It was still relatively normal as we came into a new calendar year. Just as I started to get better again, finally being able to reach out to Carmen, the friend who'd left, everything collapsed.
   I got blown off time and again whenever I'd try to figure out when something was wrong with one of my friends who'd stayed. I won't say which, for privacy. I also got brushed aside when I'd try to contact Carmen sometimes. Nothing made sense to me and I didn't know what was going on.
   So, finally, I snapped. I confronted both friends when we were on break and told them to prove that I meant something to them or our friendship was over. That was when I found out from one that the two had talked behind my back on at least two occasions. She was very apologetic and I forgave her, of course. I did with Carmen as well, but that was not why our friendship shattered.
   I broke off my friendship with Carmen because I could see to her, I was just a cast-away friend. I didn't mean much to her in the first place, so I didn't expect that to change after I found out something like this. She even said that she didn't even care and told me not to contact her again.
   I did a few times, though. Not via phone as I had before. Once through another friend to tell her I forgave her. The reply to that wasn't the nicest, with Carmen saying that she felt she'd done nothing wrong and that we should just leave our friendship as a memory. Well, that's what I can remember of her emailed reply.

   That was what hurt the most. Having someone I'd confided in ripped away from me like that. It was like losing Jade, but worse. I knew I shouldn't have trusted Carmen from the start, but I did anyway because I was a kind person. I saw she needed some friends, so I reached out and became one. I proceeded to trust her with other memories that lead to my social anxiety, considering her to be one of my closest friends.
   How could it not feel like I was being stabbed in the chest when she told me that I'd never opened up to her?

   Whether she meant to or not, that was one of the big factors that came to my darkest day. When I was so tired and upset and hurt that I told myself that if I died then, no one would notice or care. The day when I wanted nothing more than to end my own life.
   I don't know completely how I snapped out of it, except something very personal that made me stronger in my faith. But I'm here now and that's why I started this blog.
   I wanted to do something, give hope for others so that maybe they would find something to hold onto in a dark day. Something where I would bring a little more light than dark in this broken world.

   I did reach out to Carmen again a week later, sending one last email to tell her exactly what I thought about hers. And I saw her in person some months later along with reaching out to her on FB after I found out she'd been bullied. I think I wrote about those last reach-outs in past posts.

   Since coming to college, I have had a few more days where I want to re-enact that day. Though the urge was less intense, it was still strong. So, I did start counseling and made a really great support group of my new friends, along with keeping some of the old. Near Christmas, someone jokingly asked if I'd ever wanted to kill myself, to which I gave a calm, but a bit short-tempered, retort continuing the topic that'd been going on before that. I had a near shut down after that, but I was able to talk to a friend through it. Maybe that's what made me snap out of it more, having someone there and not avoiding my fear of that day.
   I made a significant increase in getting better as we came into this new year. It's gotten to the point where I may even be ending counseling soon. I've had a rough couple of weeks recently, as that's when most of this story reached its year point. But I've had friends to help me through it and I'm stronger now in myself than I was then. And maybe some of it has to do with the fact I have my boyfriend now. :) (And no, this isn't the guy I was going on about. This one is very sweet and caring and I love him very much. He understands all of this, going through depression and anxiety himself, helping me though rough days as I help him through his. He's my best friend.)

   Which is why, I have to ask. Should I continue this blog? Come up with new entries every week and continue? Or should I just leave it up, not adding anymore?
   I don't get emails like I used to and not many comments either. Am I really helping or no?

   Please reply in some way. I keep everything anonymous and do my very best to never judge a soul. Have I helped in any way with this blog?

   I'll come back in a few days, checking my email and everything else until then. I'll decide then the fate of my blog. I'll also put my story on the My Story page for quick analysis.

   See you all in a few days.

-Kayla

I'm Back!

   Hey, guys. I'm so sorry for the month long absence. Times have been rough. Nothing really bad has happened, though I did have a breakdown, which my new friends were able to help with. Speaking of which, I've got something to ask.

   Now, I made this blog to help others like me. Others with depression and social anxiety. Anyone and everyone seeking words of comfort or support. Sadly, in recent months, I've been lacking in my promise to be here. I finally actually fulfilled my promise just this week to look for counseling.
   But I don't know how ready I am to come back here. It's been hard. And I need advice on what I think is a really stupid matter, at least to me it is.

   Remember those posts about liking some guy? Well, I thought I didn't like him anymore, but I still do, apparently. Being tired these past few days sort of revealed my subconscious feelings to my conscious mind again.
   I trust him, as much as my friends who I had to separate from some months ago. He's got those red flags, of course, but I'm also watching him grow up as these weeks go by. I found out that I'm falling for his potential self rather than his actual self, which stayed my feelings for a while. But, as I said, they're back.
   The only problem is that he likes someone else. Well, that's not the only problem, but it's a main one. I know nothing will ever come of my feelings for him. And I want to stop letting my feelings for him occasionally run my mood for the day, which has luckily only happened maybe three times in a little more than three months.

   Part of me wants to tell him. I mean, I've confided so much already and this secret is tearing me apart. How can I tell myself I fully trust my friend when I can't even tell him this?
   If I do tell him, it probably would be awkward for a while, but it seems like when he's talking with me, he's kinder than what most see. I know only a few others have seen it as well. He might just help me to get over him.

   But you're probably wondering why I'm blabbing on about some guy I met some months ago. The truth is, I need some advice.
   If you know anyone or can think of anything yourself, please comment or anonymously email me using the side form (found in the website, not mobile, version).
   He's growing to become one of my best friends. And I don't want to jeopardize that with some stupid crush. Please, help.

-Kayla

Stay

   Hey, everyone.

   Days are long and sometimes hard. I still have times when a single thought can ruin my whole day. Or I think it does. Sometimes I can snap out of it. Those times are getting easier and easier to leave behind, but... I still cry when the lights go out now and then.
   The main reason I cry now is because I miss my friends so much. I mean, my new ones are great, fantastic. Some I know I'll grow very close to like I did my other ones.
   I just miss making memories. I miss being able to turn around and smile at a shared joke that no one knows but a few. They were, are, my family. Sometimes it's as if a part of me left with them.

   Maybe that's why I get so effected by the friendships that were ended so harshly. I put myself in friendships. Just when I start to open up, I get shut down.
   That's why I stayed a loner when I was younger. That's why I didn't talk to anyone, didn't try to make any really close friends. I got disappointed in the end anyway, so what was the point?
   Kicker is, I still don't want to care about how it effected me. I still care about everyone else. My friends, even someone who did the act of stabbing me in the back. I want to know why. What made them want to hurt me like that? Were they so hurt inside that they had to take it out on me? Was that all I was to them? Not really someone to share feelings or secrets with? Just an outlet?

  Over the years, I've admitted to myself that I have been deeply effected by these broken bonds. No one forgets broken trust easily, never. I'll never forget those words, never forget the feeling of having my insides torn out.

   I wanted to become a loner again. Before Carmen betrayed me, I wanted to lock myself up again. I wanted to hide away inside, not let anyone in too deep. I felt something wrong before it ever happened. I wanted to protect the people around me from what was inside. I was convinced that I would just hurt them. I felt like it was all my fault.
   But something intervened. Maybe it was because before then I'd started sharing secrets and even this one couldn't remain hidden for long. I don't know, but something made me tell Nora, Violet, and Abigail about my depression and social anxiety. True, it was all spread apart, but eventually, I trusted each to know. They were the first to know about this blog.
   They didn't let me sink back. In fact, they pulled me out. I started talking more, becoming more social. I've made friends that I can trust here, seeing the signs in them that I saw in my old friends. A few new friends I'm wary of, but that's maybe because I still see Carmen in people, too. I'm still trying to figure that out.

   Part of me is still scared to death. I've won several battles, but I don't know if I've won the war. But I can't afford to loose. There are others, others like me that I need to be there for. That's what's kept me here, I know it.
   I am here to help others like me. I'm here to bring hope for others when I know I had none.

   You can't give up. Someday someone is going to look you in the eye, shake your hand, and say "You're the reason I didn't give up."

   I want to be there for that day. What about you?

-Kayla

Big Heart

   Hey everyone! It's still amazing for me to see just how many people are reading my blog now. It warms my heart. :)

   So, new stuff going on. I've been keeping busy, though not so busy that I'm totally stressed out. Which is probably a good thing, as my old friends seem to be struggling. It's hard being away from them. But as much as I hate being away from them, well... To admit, I kind of like being apart from them.

   Here, at this new place, I can start over. I can use what I learned by being around my old friends and my same moral principles I've had all my life to make a better start. No one knows me here. They don't know that I used to be the odd one out, the shy kid, the shunned one. Except for one of my new friends, no one knows of my hardships from the past year. And she understands enough to just listen and even relate with me at some parts.
   Remember that guy I've talked about sometimes? Well, my old friends don't like him anymore. One was guarded before, while another was starting to. Actually, I haven't spoken to Abigail about some new stuff that's happened, but yesterday talking with Nora and Violet was strained. Both seemed to immediately hate him after he appeared to be acting like a jerk. I honestly couldn't see it, nor could my new friend. Sure, some stuff was just stupid, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been. And, from experience with old groups of friends even before my three closest, I know it wasn't bad.
   Still, even with the apology he gave me after, Violet and Nora are still worried about me. I was able to logically talk with Violet, though not with Nora yet. Anyway, Violet and I agreed that I am okay enough to look after myself. I've got enough common sense not to get too involved with him.

   If he did ask me out in any resent time, like next week or something, I would turn him down. But not because my old friends didn't like him or anything like that. I'd ask if he'd asked the other girl's permission first (my other friend, who still doesn't know I like him) because they'd had mutual feelings toward each other, though he was a bit more pushy. I wouldn't date him until she'd said both to me and to him that it was okay.
   But even if he had and in recent future, I would still say no. And here's the reason why: Neither of us are ready yet.
   I've never been on a date. Never had a guy really show interest in me other than what my friends insist on (which I seriously doubt is a real crush on me). But I want to learn more about who I am first. I know my boundaries, so if everyone could stop reminding me to look out after that, that'd be awesome. What I'd rather know is what I should look for in a guy who is truly and selflessly into me. Someone who I know God has planned out for me. I'm willing to wait for that though.

   Now, him? Well, he's complicated. When I first met him in person, I dismissed everything I thought I knew about him. Wait, maybe that doesn't make much sense.
   Let's go back to when I met Carmen. I make instinctual decisions about people. I look at them, glance, full-on, whatever. Whatever gut feeling I get, I follow. Carmen's was the big, flashing, Stay Away. I didn't and I know where it got me.
   Back to him. I'd met him online and my friend was convincing me that he and I had crushes on each other. I kept telling her 'just friends' and guess who was right? This girl! So even over the internet, I could tell. I knew I was going to meet him in person, which made me nervous because he was the only one I'd really talked to so far that I could maybe have as a friend. Then when I first heard him, I got all jittery, not because of a crush, but because I'd been so nervous all day about coming and then meeting people, that finally relaxing made me shaky. Looking at him was different.
   I've been thinking it over since last night. I remember even the Carmen thing taking a few days to figure out because I couldn't identify just what the big negative feeling was. Remembering back to when I first saw him, one word popped into my head:
   Lost.

   He feels lost to me. He acts all confident around his new friends when I see him from afar. He jokes with me online and talks with me occasionally in person during the week. He's a bit hotheaded and stubborn, from stories I've heard and aren't hard to imagine.
   But I've seen his guard come down a few times. Sometimes for a second or even as long as a minute. He's just lost.
   My new friend that I trust, the one who knows I like him, said that he needs to grow up and 'date himself' for a while before getting back into a new relationship. And I agree, He should.

   For now, I'm going to remain his friend. He's a mix between crush and brother to me. Which one will win out? I don't care. I know God has someone planned out for me and I know they'll be the right one, whomever they may be and whenever they appear in my life.
   I can wait. But while I wait, I'm going to help others and be a friend. Because I have a big heart.
   Do I trust too easily? No. None of my new friends know about my blog and only one knows about my mental problems. I'm still very guarded, though open about being myself.
   But I care a lot. I want to help others as others have helped me. I know when to step back and I know when to stretch out a hand.
   Even if it goes against my old friends' best interests, I know what is right. I go by instinct, because when I don't even to follow the suggestions and advice by the ones who love me most, I end up getting hurt, sometimes even others as well.

   I'm not making another Carmen mistake again. I'm going to make a difference in this world, starting with inside myself.

-Kayla

Thinking Through Things

   Hey everyone! Wow, it was stunning how many of you have been reading. I mean, when I have big drops in posting and I'm absent for a while, I'm lucky to maybe get one or two page views. Imagine my surprise when I saw numbers in the twenties for the past weeks.

   One post has gotten special attention, I saw. Forgiveness. I remember writing that, very well. And, honestly, it's still hard for me to accept. I've forgiven Carmen, but now fear has replaced the anger. I've made several new advances in being more confident and more myself than I could ever be in my new environment.
   But I'm afraid of bad luck coming in and hurting it, corrupting something that I'm finally enjoying a whole lot. Like when my slowly developing trust in friendships was destroyed by Carmen. And, as silly as it sounds, I'm terrified it'll be by her again.
   No one can tell me it's a silly fear. I mean, many said that I'd never see Carmen again and not a few months later I saw her twice!
   I've forgiven her. But I'm still afraid of something going wrong again.

   My luck has always been a bit skewed. I've been having mixed luck here. Made new friends and I'm having amazing experiences. Bad luck may be getting a cold at the most inconvenient time and not knowing if I'm really falling for this one guy. Same guy I mentioned in the other post, though there was a brief new boy in between. Still, after my second potential crush turned more into a guy I may see as a brother, I think I may have fallen harder for my first crush here. I'm not even going to deny it now and just call it that.
   If anything happens, it'll happen. God works in mysterious ways. And from experience, it's way worth it to wait.

   I've been grieving for Jade again. Being here makes me miss my friends, wishing they could be a part of all this new and fun stuff I'm doing. Jade most of all. She's still being my furry little guardian angel here. I've felt her with me more than once. I think she misses me as much as I miss her.

   I'll try to post again soon. Thank you all for understanding my craziness and for reading! Make a difference in someone's life as I hope I'm doing for all of you.

-Kayla

New Days and Feelings

   Hey, everyone. Judging on how hectic things have gotten and my lack of opportunities to post, I may be posting primarily on the weekends now with maybe posts in the middle of the week. I love writing here and need some set schedule if I'm going to meet my deadlines and goals. So far, though, my making new friends and achieving new things is so spastic on a given day I can't find a time to actually sit down and write these posts! Trust me, I'm trying!

   Anyway, so I'm guessing this'll be long, which hopefully makes up for things. Least a little. :)

   In my last post, I talked about a new crush I had. Well, kind of. My feelings are kind of mixed in his case. I'm waiting it out, seeing what happens before anything else.
   Since it felt so conflicted and a bit complicated, I turned to my old friends for advice. As always, I love to hear from them, advice or no. And I got mixed input back. A great deal of it made sense, already re-iterating everything I'd already decided and figured out for myself. Just a little bit made me pause. This topic always has caused several questions to rise in my mind (so, Violet, if you read this, I'm just typing this mostly to figure it out in my own head).

   So, I was told "Feelings are nice, but they're just feelings." And that's always confused me. When you love someone, like your family, isn't that a feeling? Not to say I love this boy! I really have no idea how I feel about him other than as a good friend at this point.
   Still though, anyone ever saying that phrase has confused me. Like, is it using logic apposed to feelings? I mean, I can keep a straight head. Even if I've got a close friend, I've barely ever been blind to anyone's faults. There have been one or two mess ups, but that's usually after I've decided to ignore it. And ever since the whole Carmen deal, I doubt anything's going to happen like that again. Even with Carmen, I still was aware of something off, even if no one would tell me what it was.

   See, to me, my 'feelings' are my instincts. If it doesn't feel right to me, best thing for me to do is to stay away. Got that feeling when I first met Carmen. Ignored it and got a whole big mess later. If it feels as if I can trust someone or like they'd be a good friend, I go to that person. Violet and a few other close friends had that feeling attached, which has been some of the best decision making I've ever done.
   I don't think I was predisposed to liking this boy just by talking to him on the internet before meeting him first (new place had a FB group to go with everyone coming in). I mean, one of my new friends I'd also met there and thought, "Yeah, she's alright.", kind of indifferent, thinking we might be acquaintances and not friends completely. Meet her in person and she's already as close to me as some of my old friends. I saw immediately what he was like and what could be questionable. That's why I'm still standing back to see what happens.

   What bothers me about this situation is that this boy is one of those "wild cards". I don't mean unpredictable or anything in the normal sense. My definition of a "wild card" for a person is that I simply don't know what to think of them. No gut feeling, no looking and maybe figuring something out about them. I don't really encounter that much.
   I'm not saying I pre-judge people. Perhaps occasionally I inadvertently do so, but it's like this thing I read: "The first thought that goes through your mind is what you have been conditioned to think, what you think next defines who you are."
   I always wait for the next thought. The next thought is usually my gut instinct. It's typically not something mean, which I'm grateful for. If it's the stay away side, it's usually a natural avoidance thing that kicks in.

   Still, I'm waiting. I'm not sure what will happen, but if God has a plan, then it'll fall where it may. I don't know what will happen, but I can wait. I mean, I've made it this far without having or really wanting a love life. I'm perfectly fine waiting some more. :D
   (Though, if anyone's welcome to maybe give advice via anonymous email form on the left column, that'd be great in this "what's going on?" period.)

   Now, new song of the month! I love this one, but I don't own it because to get this song, the CD has to be imported because for some reason, they don't have this track on any of the American version of the albums (which makes no sense because it's an American show). Don't judge! It's one of the few rare songs which doesn't have romance in it, which I find fantastic. Anyway, rights all go to BTR and enjoy the song!

-Kayla