Pride Month As a Queer Christian

Heyo, everyone!

     So, for the first time in a while, I'm actually lightheartedly remembering to write a post. Whoo-hoo!

      Anyway, so, at some point or another I'm going to create videos for that YouTube channel. Trust me, I'm working on it. It's just taking a while because I need to make videos when I've got a lot of alone time. Meaning, I have to wait until my family is out of the house.
     Why's that? Well, other than the depression and anxiety and ADHD talks which they don't know as much about, they also don't know I'm bi. Demi? I have no clue, honestly. The labels are so confusing.

     Like, I know I like guys. That's always been apparent to me. Liking girls was too, but it was really hard to acknowledge that because I repressed it for so long. Why I did that will be explained in a moment. Now, the other thing is, I'm still figuring out the sexual attraction thing...
     So, there are all these people out there that are "good looking." That always was just like, "Um, okay." in my thoughts. Physical appearance didn't do much for me. Still doesn't really, not on most people. More so now than it used to be, but I don't know if that's age and hormones or society and peer pressure from high school. Possibly both. Anyway, you know, sex and stuff like that will probably be nice, seeing how much I enjoy kissing my boyfriend (which he'll probably tease me about once he sees this). But it's still not really that important to me. I find cuddling and things like that with Felix way more enjoyable than kissing sometimes.
     From all this, I know I'm bisexual (liking two different genders) and also demisexual (being sexually attracted to someone after a strong emotional connection). But am I also like, ace or something? Like, I know there's one out there where sexual attraction doesn't really matter. Well, I mean, more that they don't care for sex, don't really need it to be happy. Or just don't want it.

     It's all really confusing. Sometimes I wish I hadn't gone to Catholic school, not really for any other reason than that maybe I could have figured this out sooner. That I could be happier with who I am, sexually. It wasn't until junior year I started hearing about more sexualities and orientations than just being gay or trans. Then in college I relaxed enough and became more confident, meeting more people who were accepting of me as a person, plus more of the LGBT+ community, which made me realize "Wow, I really am bi." Seriously, I was just sitting a few months ago, contemplating life like I do sometimes, when it hit me like a brick. I'm bi!
     Right after that, I messaged Felix, because I was so confused. There were so many things that could be wrong with that. Acceptance being the main one. Like, I'm a Methodist who went to Catholic schools for 14 years and a Christian college that has mixed acceptance of the LGBT+ community. Anything in the LGBT+ community was frowned upon. So who could I tell, who could I trust? I didn't think anyone would hate me, but I didn't want them to treat me differently. It was hard enough finding friends who were okay with my mental illnesses. Were they going to be okay with me being queer, too?

     I got really lucky, in the range of people knowing and not telling others or judging poorly me for it. So far, out of my friends, six people know now. Maybe seven, if one read my blog. I sent them a link to this a month or two ago, saying, hey, I write this blog, you should check it out. It was kind of my roundabout way of telling her, because I know I can trust her, I just didn't know how she might react.
     Seriously, round about talking is pretty much the only way I seem to be able to come out. Like, after Felix, I told maybe one more person straight (*silently laughs*) out. Then I started discussions with two friends to see where they stood and told them after when I'd built up the courage. Although, I'm not sure if I told one straight (*silently laughs more*) out. But she reads this blog, too, so if I haven't told you, I'm sorry! But she did help, too, so I'm very grateful to that. With the other friends, I sent Thomas Sanders pictures to one in a group chat (the others in it already knew) and then to another I related myself to a tv show character that all the fans have deemed bisexual (he is, though, it's only a matter of time before he realizes it).
     Any other personal friends of mine who still read this blog: Please, please, please, don't tell anyone. Talk to me directly, don't ask anyone else. My family doesn't even know yet and I want to be the one to tell people I'm bi/demi/queer. That's my thing.

     At some point, I'll come out to everyone. I've stated before that this blog is under a pen name of mine. So while I'm coming out here, on my other social media, I'm still "straight" in most everyone's eyes. Honestly, I'm debating waiting until I'm married so that the backlash isn't as bad. I mean, no one can really say anything when that happens.
     But I freaking swear, if someone thinks I'll cheat on Felix just cause I'm bi, s*** is hitting the fan. Whoever came up with that pathetic warped view makes me seriously annoyed.

    Anyway, here are some videos I've been watching recently that have been helping me feel more content with myself. Because like I said before, being a Christian and queer is tough. But one quote from one of these videos stuck to me: "The fact is, God made me this way. I find it hard to believe He'd create me just to hate me."
     Just because I'm bi/demi/queer, it doesn't mean I can't be happy being me. No matter what, It's important that I'm proud of who I am. And you should be, too. And that includes anyone else who's not in the LGBT+ community as well. We all need to be proud of who we are.

     I hope this helps anyone else out there! Whatever happens, it's okay. You're not alone. And whether you know or don't or questioning or whatever, it'll be okay. No one knows you better than you know you.

     I'll be back soon! See you in the next post.

-Kayla