Waves of Change

Hey, everyone,

     Well, so I've decided something. I'll be keeping this blog up for as long as I can, but once I start the seperateYouTube in who knows how long, I'll probably be posting less. The reason mostly being that new start I mentioned in the last post, also to avoid repeating content. I'll be saying whatever comes to my mind, similar to how I do here. Though less filtered in videos, I think. We'll see.

     To the actual post, though, I've been shifting. A lot. Like, earlier I was slammed into feeling like a girl again when I felt like a boy for days. No idea what happened to cause it. Then I was neutral for the rest of the day, going into male feeling for a while, before going back to neutral where I am now. (It's been a few days since I wrote this, so I was neutral for a long while and now I'm back to more male-sided.)
     Mostly, I'm pretty sure I'm shifting so much is because the rest of me is trying to catch up with these realizations. Part of me is still trying to revert back to my repressed self while most of me is doing its best to let loose. And I'm perfectly fine just riding it out. Like, I'll go most of the day without even thinking about it and then there's a shift, so the thoughts come back.

     Anyway, I know I can handle this. I know I can figure it out. After all, it's not something I can just go to counseling or be diagnosed for like I would for my depression, anxiety, or ADHD. Because not being straight and/or not being cisgender isn't a mental illness. There are sexual disorders, but those are all externally caused and have nothing to do with what gender (or non-gender) you're attracted to. Except for pedophilia, but that's a whole different can of worms. (Seriously, there are people who try and have "gender doesn't matter so age shouldn't matter" in a campaign to add in people who are attracted to children into the LGBT+ community; I say I don't like judging, but that's just honestly messed up.)
     Gender dysphoria is, however, a mental illness, but not everyone who is non-binary or trans has that. Gender dysphoria, according to my class textbook, can only really be determined when the patient themselves is extremely distressed by their dysphoria. This dysphoria has to do with having someone identify as a certain gender, but their body doesn't match what's in their head. It's distressing to the point that it can cause severe depression and distress in someone.
     Like, I have dysphoria to a point so I might have been diagnosed a while back if I knew there was something for how I felt. Still, I'm more upset by my dysphoria when I don't know what's going on, but that's the same as how I feel with most problems in my life (aka, probably more just my anxiety causing issues). Since researching more and more about being non-binary and the possibility I might actually be genderfluid, my dysphoria I felt even a few days ago has significantly lessened. I feel less disconnected from myself, which has been a relieving feeling.
     And friends. I'll never be more thankful for the friends I trusted with this information. I mean, one of them (that I know of) has recently been looking up info on what non-binary is. Not sure if that's because of me. Either way, it's still great because they're able to tell me information they found when I hadn't found it yet and was growing confused. For example, the other day I felt like a guy and girl at the same time and they told me that they'd seen that mentioned in a few places, so they understood the theory. And that's how I figured out there's a high chance I'm genderfluid. The more I've relaxed, the more I've become comfortable with letting myself shift rather than repressing it. Which is probably why it seems out of control sometimes. It is stabilizing, though.

     Also, for anyone who's curious, this is the definition of genderfluid I've found that I relate most to (which is I believe most of those identifying this way): can identify as male, female, both, or neither at different times. So, that scale I mentioned in earlier posts is a bit more wibbly-wobbly than I thought. But, honestly, I'm okay with that. Going by they/them and being called by my gender-neutral name (although not said a lot yet) has been helping a ton, regardless of the gender I'd currently be experiencing. I'm still okay with she/her and my real name, but I'm not going to be surprised anymore if that changes.
     I'll talk in the next post about misgendering and the effects of that and how to help. Like, I've been learning about it with my research and it's actually something that's helped a lot (which is weird). Anyway, that's for another post.

     See you in the next one!

-Kay

Everything is Fluid

Hey, everyone,

     So, as promised, here's me gonna be going on about being non-binary. I've been holding off, mostly because I'm planning on moving on to another platform someday. Probably not in relation to this blog, though. Yeah, covering the same message and basic format, but in what I'm thinking about, it'll just be me and fewer people will know the face behind it. As it is, I've been realizing how many friends I thought didn't read this blog after my initial introducing it to them are actually still reading it, I want to get a better fresh start.
     Mainly, the primary reason more has to do with the topic here.

     See, I started this blog way back when. Before I learned more about myself. Before I started reaching out more in my views of faith and became more accepting of the people and ideas around me. I understand all the teachings of the Church, but I don't always agree with some teachings that some Christians have been taught or are teaching. And that's not to say I'm right or they're wrong. That's just my personal faith journey.
     I also started this blog before I started accepting myself. Yeah, sure, I'd accepted I had anxiety and depression and all the fun stuff to go along with it. But I hadn't accepted everything else about myself like I thought I had.
     We live in a cisgender heteronormative culture. Or at least, I do. That's not the same around the world. And I think people forget that sometimes. Anyway, my point is, any deviation and it was wrong, odd, more than what I was already presenting to everyone. I mean, I was always the odd-ball out, the quiet one, the loner (the last one not always by choice, but that's a different issue). Either way, I've been looking back and seeing just how much I repressed everything. It's grown even more apparent as I've stopped (for the most part?) holding it back.

     Before I think I said in a previous post, I said I didn't stray far into the guy side of that 1-10 scale. I'm starting to think I was wrong after the past four days. For some reason, I kept shifting more and more into that side. It didn't feel weird or different, but it was a little confusing at first. Mostly because I didn't realize that was what was happening.
     That is, until I came to the realization that, yeah, maybe I don't know how a guy feels to base myself off of, but also that not all guys are the same. Just like not all girls are the same. So, like, the only base I can go off of is me, and I'm not even an "average girl" when in that mindset. Once I realized these things, the image of me as a guy popped up in my mind. Usually, things like that take time to conjure up. But the speed of this one made me realize that it's probably been in my subconscious for a while. And in looking at me, in that form, if you will...
      It was amazing. Like, one of the first signs, to me, that I really couldn't be making this up. The dysphoria and moments where I didn't feel at place in my body, those weren't fake. Those feelings, which I'd been having for years, that wasn't all in my head anymore. They had names(non-binary, genderfluid, etc), there was a face, there was a voice. There was me.

     Another moment (not long after) would be when Felix called me by the genderneutral name I'd been thinking about and run by him as something to maybe call me by sometimes. In that moment, paired with the other words around it, I was so happy that I cried, which is rare. I'll often say I'll be so happy that I'll cry, but it rarely actually happens. The three times I can remember all involve Felix, though.
     Anyway, so to that title up there, I've also been thinking about my sexuality. Basically, (I think!) when I'm more neutral in the gender category, either no gender or feeling somewhat both, then I'm more ace. But when I'm in either specific gender mindset (1-3.5 or 6.5-10 on the scale), then I'm feeling more demi/bi. Not 100% sure, but that's where it's at right now.
     My sexuality and gender are both as fluid as the other, that much I do know. I might start saying I'm gender fluid now rather than non-binary, but I think I'll stay with the latter for some time yet because I'm not all sure.

     Either way, it's been a long several weeks and I'm signing off for the night. See you in the next post!

-Kay
(PS, I'm gonna come up with a better name here, because that one is odd to me)

Kindness Gone Sour

Hey, everyone,

     I've been thinking a lot since my last post. I'm still going to hold myself to what I said there and stay true to that. Because lashing out at others isn't fun, for either side.
     I will say, though, to anyone reading this, not just to any friends of mine, but if the idea or mention of talking behind someone's back makes you feel guilty, even years afterward, something is up. And I'm not saying you still do it, far from that. But it's something to remember.
     Like, I do, occasionally. Mostly because I used to get roped into that type of thing and then later did it on my own a few times. True, it wasn't as bad and I would always tattle on myself to the person after, but still. Even now if I say something negative to one friend about another when the other isn't around, I make sure it's something that I can talk to the other person about in a constructive manner. (Also because typically when I do this it's to get pointers about how to talk to said person.)

     The reason why I'm bringing this up again is that two things happened. One, I saw a quote I've read before and thought I should share here. And, two, a friend from college who mentioned they talked behind my back reached out to me about it. I'll explain more after the quote.

      Now, to what the friend said. Basically, I'd told them before that I was upset they did that, though left out personal reasons why because I wasn't sure what they would do with that information. Then, like I said, recently they reached out to me out of the blue and asked me if I was still mad. I dunno, maybe they read this blog. Or know my personal FB. Whatever the reason, something they said struck a chord in me.
      At first, they said so we can move past it. And I was like, okay, fine. Some more conversation went along and their conversation went in more of the direction of "So I can move past it." Suddenly it wasn't we anymore. It was them. And that left me confused. I still said apologizes and stuff because I do feel bad when I've hurt someone when being upset. But should I still be friends with that person?
     To clarify, this person hasn't treated me how I think a friend should treat another. They know about my bad days, but almost seem like they avoid me when I have them. Then when I talk about my interests, I'm either dismissed or treated as if I'm not worth their time. With the conversation, I realized that I was apologizing more for being hurt than they were about hurting me. Even if it was only months ago and we've barely spoken about it since then, why did they suddenly decide I needed to be the one to apologize for their wrongdoing?
     And yet, if they reach out to me to hang out, I'll put my plans aside. If they're stressed and trying to talk to me to let it out, I'll do my best to sit and listen. Because I really don't like to leave someone on a bad day. I know how it feels, even from my own family members.
     Truthfully, I will say when I'm having an off day, I will let them know I can't talk, usually only if they're just bringing up the same problems. Like, another friend of mine just will. not. stop. talking. about. guys. I understand she does have self-esteem issues, though, for reasons I'll keep private. But still, I've had to draw the line when my own mental health is at risk. I'm no help to anyone if I burn out. Not to say I won't help them when I'm having a good day, because of course I will, no matter how repeated the subject is. It's draining, but I know it helps them sometimes.

      Anyway, any friend who's been starting to treat me like the person I was mentioning, I'm honestly considering dropping as well as the obviously bad ones. They're good to talk to and I enjoy talking to them. But if I'm either a) not being treated right and/or b) know they have a history (more current and frequent) of talking behind other's backs, I don't see that friendship working out. My "good heart" everyone keeps telling me I have, starts growing cold. And I notice the ones who told me they were my "good friend" start changing that view once I start growing into my own person and more confident. And by this I mean, I start questioning more of their treatment of me and they try telling me I'm the one in the wrong. Like with the person I was mentioning. I asked them why they didn't make time for me like I would for them and they said "Well, I'm busy and I'm already doing a lot of the work in our friendship. What about you? I mean, I didn't ask you to stop [such and such a thing] to hang out with me."
     Friendships should be equal. You give and take, not one or the other. I've found in most friendships I'll give and give with not a lot given back, in any way shape or form. Then there are times where I'll see myself taking a lot and I snap myself out of it and change tactics as best and as soon as I can. Actually, this includes any relationship in general. Friends, significant other, family, or anyone else.
     And only, only, if it's mentioned or asked about, I'll add in my two cents about how a bad friend has treated me poorly if someone else is being treated the same way by that person. Because the last thing I want to do is influence people to choose my side, as I'm only one person and I don't always know the other side. But it's still something to think about. And something that needs to be stopped, desperately. Like, the reason I felt so sick doing anything remotely close to talking bad about someone is that there was no pleasure from it. Where's the gain in putting someone down for being who they are? That's never made sense to me.

     I'd try and promise again not to talk about this type of thing anymore, but honestly, I don't think I can. I'm going to keep it more anonymous in who I talk about, but since this seems to follow me around for basically my entire life now. Plus, I created this blog after it happened to me significantly two years ago. Bullies aren't something I'll approve of. Ever. Whether it's obvious or subtle, it's something I'll combat as much as I do my own issues. There are too many people out there like me. Too many. And it has to stop.
     So if you know someone who's done any of this, you've done this yourself, have been a victim, or all of the above, work together to stop it. And, friends, that includes me. If anyone reads this and knows me personally and I've hurt you in this way, please tell me. I want to stop it, even if I've been the bad guy.

     Trust me, I'm going to try to talk about being non-binary in the next post. But it's summer and getting closer to September. That's around the same time when I would get really bad so I might be posting more like this. Which isn't bad. I know someone out there, or many someones, would benefit from hearing this. Mostly to know they aren't alone. And that's why I made this blog. So people like me didn't feel alone anymore.

-Kay

Trapped in the Corner

Hey, everyone,

     So, the last post was really ranty. And I'm sorry about that, to everyone. Basically, when my fear and anxiety get a hold of me, it's really hard to shake. I mean, Violet can attest to that. We were talking about some stuff the other day and both had problems communicating to the point where we both were afraid we wrecked our friendship.
     When I get anxious or feel like I'm trapped in a corner, I lash out in some direction. Not always to harm or hurt. Just to get my words out because I feel like I can't do anything else. For example, I've been playing a game called Guild Wars 2 recently where I have to go on missions and fight things. With my character, I can do ranged attacks. Sadly built in with the mechanism, if you're too overzealous in your technic, you can draw unwanted attention by accidentally targetting more enemies automatically. The "unwanted attention" in this case was I managed to lash out and do the overall undesired action. Which was to hurt others. Both in my recent conversations with Violet and in my last post.

     That being said, everyone's probably sick of me talking about Carmen and Nora and I get it. Believe me, I want to stop too. It's not fair to them or me. All three of us are trying to move on with our lives without me dragging in what happened or anything after. But I'll say right now, it's not easy.
     All my life, a few people keep telling me I dwell on things too much (*cough* family *cough*). Then after that, I'm like, okay... So how do you want me to not? Because in their eyes if I talk about something they believe has already been "taken care of", then it's a moot point. Right? Wrong. If I'm still talking about it and getting emotional, there's something other than the already moved on aspects that are bothering me.
     The reason I'm bringing this up is that I'll talk with my therapist about Senior year as more of just an example now than an "I'm still bothered about what they did." And yeah, am I bothered about it still? Maybe? I don't know anymore, honestly. It's not about the people directly. Actually, it's really not about them specifically. It more has to do with the fact that it wasn't the first occurrence. It had happened once before to me years and years ago with an entirely different group of friends. So, of course, it would make a bigger impact on me the second time around.
     Senior year was already hard on me before the whole thing happened. Honestly, I feel like I'm the one at fault for the events to happen the way they did sometimes. I didn't know what was wrong with me. My depression and anxiety were getting worse and worse and I didn't feel like I had anyone to turn to. I cried almost every night trying to find some solace in feeling... something, anything. So I would lash out at people around me, my friends who I felt like they were the only people I could trust, in a kind of warped hope that they would notice and stop me. Of course it would backfire. Why wouldn't it? No one likes being lashed out at from something that they don't know what they did.
     In current anxiety terms, yeah, I still lash out at them. The old friends, I mean. Granted, I don't lash out as much at the new ones. Though I still do a little more than I should sometimes. But either way, most of the lashing is in my head because I know once the anxiety and cornered feelings are gone, that's not the "real me", in a sense. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone or make them uncomfortable. Heck, it's not even just the old friends, it's my family, too. I rarely said a word or gave a hint of how bad I was until these past few months, and yet I expected back then for them to notice and help me. Granted, there were many hints... Anyway, not the point, moving on. I'm not perfect in my approaches. So I shouldn't automatically expect everyone else to be. That's stupid. We're all human. And humans make mistakes. Duh.

     Anxiety, depression, ADHD, demisexual, bisexual, non-binary, and trust. All these words come up a lot in my blog, especially now. And that's because I've been looking back on my life and looking ahead. Mostly because of those last four. Being any part of the LGBT+ community is both liberating and terrifying. You're free because you finally know you're not going crazy and there's a whole community to support you, but then you're terrified because people you know, people you care about, may not accept you. And it calls into question more of who you can trust.
     Past experience tells me at some point, I'll be more over my anxieties and doubts about who I am, where I stand in life, and who's right there with me. That's what happened with the original case from many years ago. So I'm not dumb enough (right now) to say that there is a chance I'll be able to trust my old friends again. Even if it's not to the same degree as it used to be. If they were the first offense, it might be easier to trust more again. However, because someone else did the deed first, I'm more guarded. But that's not all a bad thing. It means I'm more guarded with others in my life, too. There are friends I dropped in college because I couldn't trust them with my mental illnesses, let alone my LBGT+ background. Guarded trust shouldn't mean you trust no one. It just means you should be more careful about how you go about doing things and who it's with.

     Anyway, I wanted to say sorry again to all my friends, old and new alike. Lashing out at you guys is just as hard on me as it is on you guys. And I probably beat at myself more than I should for it. But honestly, it's gotten a lot better. Anyone who's current with me in my life personally knows that and even those who don't hopefully know it as well to some degree.
     Either way, communication is the most important thing in any relationship. Friends, family, significant other, you name it. Heck, even during a school project. If no one talks, anyone having a problem never discussed may start to sit on it without realizing it. I can attest to that personally. (spoiler alert: it sucks)
     For me, personally, I really prefer a long chat with someone rather than five minutes small talk because, otherwise, I don't get all my words out right. Then anything that needs to be talked about is talked about rather than not even mentioned. Seriously, ask anyone who talks on the phone with me. I'll sound like a stiff robot if I know it's quick. But then you get me talking and I can't shut up. It's a thing. That goes to the other side, too. I like being able to hear everyone's side, but if the other side doesn't talk... Well, then I'm a sitting lump. Back when I was little, I think I made everyone else feel like a lump. With friends since then, I think those same people want me to go back into that locked box because they don't know what to do with me now that I have a voice and more expression to me. (*cough* family *cough* (Am I throwing too much shade with a dash of pettiness? Maybe. ~I really don't care.~)) I'll probably talk about that more in depth at some point, along with the many things I've been thinking about being non-binary.

     Now I'm gonna stop blathering on and leave a video here. It's more Thomas Sanders because he just came out with a new Cartoon Therapy video that's been in the works for weeks. I'm probably going to watch it again because it's really worth it. If you've got time, I encourage you to watch it, too.
     I'm also gonna add a song in case anyone wants a shorter thing or two things. I really love it a lot and hope someday to sing it with friends to inspire others.
     (I own nothing, all credits to the creators of the respectful things.)

-Kay
(PS I'm gonna start signing these more gender neutral-ish just to see how I feel about it; you know, they/them dealio)

Half In, Half Out

Hey, everyone,

     Two posts in one week? Holy cow! I'm on a roll! But seriously, I have a bit more serious stuff to cover. Not that everything else addressed hasn't been serious recently, but... I'm going to address something I should have made a better understanding of in my last posts.

     Now, I've mentioned in my other posts, I'm only "out" to a few people. And those people I've done my best to tell personally. Or in some roundabout way like, like in this blog, for a few. However, things like being a demisexual bisexual non-binary person is a little bit hard for some people I know to be accepting of. Either that or they'll bombard me with questions that I don't have answers to yet. I mean, I only just accepted to myself that I was non-binary almost three weeks ago now.
     So, among the people not in the know about any little part of it, or at least of me not telling them myself in any way shape or form, are my entire family (immediate and extended) and even some of my friends. This is because there are two things that could happen in either or both of these groups of people:
1) I could be cast out/disowned/whatever.
2) They won't understand and try to "change" me.
     Because one thing I've been learning is that not everyone accepts you right away. Or they say they do, but... Things get said to others who shouldn't have known about any of that in the first place! I've had that happen to me and it didn't even have to do with being LGBT+. So I'm kind of happy I'm not friends with those specific people anymore because I know this secret I have wouldn't be for long. Either that or they would talk behind my back about it.

     Yes, I'm talking about Carmen and Nora. Honestly, I wavered. A lot. I didn't know if I could trust them after that and part of me still wanted to. Heck, who am I kidding? Sometimes I still want the closeness of being able to confide things without judgment. That's probably why it hurt so much when I learned not even that was existent between us. They talked behind my back between themselves first, then later I hear from a third party that they knew about things that they couldn't have heard about except from either of those two. And the difference was, now I knew which one was involved with the more recent stuff. So yeah, they're both now kicked out of my life. A lot of wavering between that time, but it's done.
     Although, one of them knows this blog exists. So if they're still reading it, read this since this is the only way I'm going to talk to you: If this leaks, I know it was you. I don't know what I'd do about it, but whatever shred of remaining trust I have will be gone forever. And if that doesn't matter? Well, actually, I feel sorry for any of your current friends. And especially for you.

     Sorry, guys. I just reeeally have a problem with anyone saying something to someone else that's none of the third party's business. I talk about what happened here and to other friends in college because on here, I've changed names and I don't tell what exactly happened. I don't say what words were said, what they told me in confidence. Do I talk about what happened to me and how I found out about what they said and who told me? Yes. Because that was me directly being involved. Now, friends from college? Yeah, they know details. But that's because I know there's a 95% chance they'll never meet these two in person or otherwise (the other 5% is because I have rotten luck and apologize for it in advance).
     Now, I have told a few other people who also know the other two, but I also trust these people far more to not talk. I know I can trust them, unlike the other two. And I know that no matter what I say, they'll make their own opinions of the two. I honestly don't care who's friends with who. As long as no one is getting hurt, things like that don't bother me. (And if it does bother me even a little, I ignore it because it's still none of my business who others are friends with.)

     Honestly, neither of them probably read this because I made it clear at the beginning I was going to make this more faith-based. I'm planning on bringing that more to the forefront again, I promise. My personal connection to faith kind of faded to the background (kind of? not really? I'll explain in another post) for a time, but I've been getting better now and so has my faith/prayer life. Mostly it's just hard bringing it up on a blog since that's the most personal part of my life that not even my boyfriend knows what goes on sometimes unless I tell him. Like, I tell him more than most, but the time between God and me is between us.

     Anyway, the bottom line to this uber long post (sorry bout that), if someone is in the LGBT+ community and they tell you that and you know they're keeping quiet about it to at least one person or more, don't tell anyone else. Okay? That's just decency.
     I know for me, coming out is something I like doing personally because then I'm right there and it's not as big a lash-back as someone finding out through the grapevine. Like my family. They'd probably be super hurt to find out through someone else about all this. And I'm going to tell them, eventually. I just want to do it right when I can actually answer questions about it.
     Also when I'm more positive they won't judge me for it. One thing I've found among anyone is that a surprising amount of people seem to take it as a personal offence when I'm not matching the image or idea of me that they've decided I am. I don't know why, but until I do or I know who does, I'm still not "out of the closet" yet. Half in, half out.
     But it's my choice, and right, to come out when I'm ready. Not when someone else decides I should be.

     Well, that was a long one and serious and venting, but in my next one, I'm planning on talking more about being non-binary. And looking back on some of my old posts about expressing yourself from oh so long ago to see how different I was then from now.
     I'll be back again soon. See yah!

-Kayla

Another Surprise...

Hey, everyone,

     So, in the last few posts, I've come out of the closet. Very vocally in the last one. But... the reason I haven't posted since is that I've been hiding one more thing. Meaning, any friends also reading this blog still? Don't say anything to anyone just in case they don't know. This is something I'm even more nervous about telling others. Like, I cried after telling Felix because I was terrified he'd hate me (he doesn't by the way, quite the opposite still).

     Anyway... well...
     [deep breath]
     I'm non-binary.
     There you go. There you have it.

     Honestly, I've been conflicted for a few weeks about posting here about this or talking about it since being non-binary is a little bit more complicated for people to accept or understand than someone being gay or bi or ace or something else. Even though those are also still hard for people to get. Depends on who you talk to.
     Either way, to answer some probably common questions:
     No, I'm not trans. I'm not a guy now, but I'm also not all girl. I still go by she/her pronouns and my given name, although sometimes they/them does feel appealing to my ears. Non-binary just means I don't fit in either the female or male binary. I'm somewhere in between.
     Basically, to sum it up by using an analogy I saw in a YouTube video by some queergender (another term used to describe non-binary, though less common because it can be a slur) folks (I think they're trans...? I'm sure about one but not the other), it's like a scale. Like this:
1 = female
5 = neutral
10 = male
     Most days since I've realized, I'll put myself as a 4 or 5. Maybe even a 3. Then there are other days where I'm at a nice 2 or 6. I've been close to 7, but I've gotta say, I'm really not much higher on the scale in that direction? Granted, it has been only a few weeks since I've been ranking and it's not perfect.

     If you're thinking, "well, you've never said anything before or shown that kind of feeling before, maybe you're just confused and following whatever the kids these days say on the internet or in college." Buddy, I have news for you.
     I've always felt this way. Kinda similar to being bi, I squished it down even more so. I hid behind my skirts and feminine clothing because that's what I had to do. That was the social norm of where I was. You look down at what was between your legs or on your chest and there you go. Black and white. And honestly, some days it sucked. Because it was everywhere. Home, school, the store, anywhere. At least, that's what my brain thinks it remembers. I'll say right now, depression and anxiety combined with ADHD sometimes can really warp some thoughts. Not to invalidate anything, though. Feelings and experiences are still important and I'm the only one who can "decide" what I experienced/felt about something.
     ANYWAY, since going to college, I've been able to wear whatever the heck I wanted. So I brought a lot of my clothing along from high school and life and everything. Want to know what I wore the most after that first semester? Hoodie and pjs. The most gender neutral I think any human being can be capable of. Granted some of my pjs visible would be bright pink, but even then I didn't care. It wasn't until I was more aware of what the word non-binary was that I realized that's why it felt sooo much better to me.

     One example of how I know I'm non-binary is something I went through yesterday. It wasn't the first time, but it is the first time I did something about it.
     Now, to start off, recently I had to buy a new swimsuit. I rarely wear one so I didn't care it was slightly too small until recently. When looking in the mirror and wearing it, I loved it. I look really good in it, which is how I felt in it and what other said afterward. I'd usually avoid wearing swimsuits because I didn't always feel that way. After what happened yesterday, things finally connected on why that was.
     Yesterday I was feeling around a 6, nearing 7. I'd tucked my hair in a hat all day (it's quite long and I have no desire to cut it) and was wearing more gender neutral colors and clothing. It didn't bother me that my chest isn't flat, so that was fine. I just wanted to be a person. Then... later in the day, I had to put on a swimsuit. The plan was I was going to go swimming with some people, which I normally duck out on. But the previous night I was excited about it and couldn't wait to wear my swimsuit again. So I had it with me and went and changed.
     Oh my gosh, it was like a living nightmare. Okay, maybe not that bad, but close. It was so uncomfortable with it on and then I looked in the mirror and the feeling got worse. Like, I almost threw up. Luckily, I'd picked out some shorts and a zip-up sweater to go over it to walk to the pool in. As soon as it was out of sight I could breathe again, but I could still feel it, obviously.
     Long story short, I managed to not go swimming without outing myself from the closet and just sat by the pool after changing back. Luckily I've gained a longstanding reputation for not swimming so everyone has stopped trying to guilt me into it. But the whole time I was just thinking about that experience and remembering every other time I would dread doing something similar.
     Today I probably wouldn't be as bad wearing it. I was at more a 4-5 again. But one thing that made me really happy about the past two days is that no one asked about my hat. The one comment I got about it was someone saying "I like your hat and how you've been making your hair 'short' and long." That was probably one of the best compliments I've ever gotten and she didn't even know. (Some of the others being Felix and his reactions to things I do. He fanboys a lot and it's very adorable. Have I said how much I love him yet?)

     This post is long already, so I'm going to end here for now. But I'm going to talk more about this because I'm not what everyone else in this non-binary spectrum/umbrella is. So I'm just going to talk about it and if someone else is similar, hopefully, this helps. And anyone who's just curious how at least one person feels/experiences being non-binary. It'll probably help me a lot, too.
     Goodnight for now, my friends. And I'll also add a song for you. I love this one and this version is a new cover I recently discovered. It's so great.

-Kayla

Pride Month As a Queer Christian

Heyo, everyone!

     So, for the first time in a while, I'm actually lightheartedly remembering to write a post. Whoo-hoo!

      Anyway, so, at some point or another I'm going to create videos for that YouTube channel. Trust me, I'm working on it. It's just taking a while because I need to make videos when I've got a lot of alone time. Meaning, I have to wait until my family is out of the house.
     Why's that? Well, other than the depression and anxiety and ADHD talks which they don't know as much about, they also don't know I'm bi. Demi? I have no clue, honestly. The labels are so confusing.

     Like, I know I like guys. That's always been apparent to me. Liking girls was too, but it was really hard to acknowledge that because I repressed it for so long. Why I did that will be explained in a moment. Now, the other thing is, I'm still figuring out the sexual attraction thing...
     So, there are all these people out there that are "good looking." That always was just like, "Um, okay." in my thoughts. Physical appearance didn't do much for me. Still doesn't really, not on most people. More so now than it used to be, but I don't know if that's age and hormones or society and peer pressure from high school. Possibly both. Anyway, you know, sex and stuff like that will probably be nice, seeing how much I enjoy kissing my boyfriend (which he'll probably tease me about once he sees this). But it's still not really that important to me. I find cuddling and things like that with Felix way more enjoyable than kissing sometimes.
     From all this, I know I'm bisexual (liking two different genders) and also demisexual (being sexually attracted to someone after a strong emotional connection). But am I also like, ace or something? Like, I know there's one out there where sexual attraction doesn't really matter. Well, I mean, more that they don't care for sex, don't really need it to be happy. Or just don't want it.

     It's all really confusing. Sometimes I wish I hadn't gone to Catholic school, not really for any other reason than that maybe I could have figured this out sooner. That I could be happier with who I am, sexually. It wasn't until junior year I started hearing about more sexualities and orientations than just being gay or trans. Then in college I relaxed enough and became more confident, meeting more people who were accepting of me as a person, plus more of the LGBT+ community, which made me realize "Wow, I really am bi." Seriously, I was just sitting a few months ago, contemplating life like I do sometimes, when it hit me like a brick. I'm bi!
     Right after that, I messaged Felix, because I was so confused. There were so many things that could be wrong with that. Acceptance being the main one. Like, I'm a Methodist who went to Catholic schools for 14 years and a Christian college that has mixed acceptance of the LGBT+ community. Anything in the LGBT+ community was frowned upon. So who could I tell, who could I trust? I didn't think anyone would hate me, but I didn't want them to treat me differently. It was hard enough finding friends who were okay with my mental illnesses. Were they going to be okay with me being queer, too?

     I got really lucky, in the range of people knowing and not telling others or judging poorly me for it. So far, out of my friends, six people know now. Maybe seven, if one read my blog. I sent them a link to this a month or two ago, saying, hey, I write this blog, you should check it out. It was kind of my roundabout way of telling her, because I know I can trust her, I just didn't know how she might react.
     Seriously, round about talking is pretty much the only way I seem to be able to come out. Like, after Felix, I told maybe one more person straight (*silently laughs*) out. Then I started discussions with two friends to see where they stood and told them after when I'd built up the courage. Although, I'm not sure if I told one straight (*silently laughs more*) out. But she reads this blog, too, so if I haven't told you, I'm sorry! But she did help, too, so I'm very grateful to that. With the other friends, I sent Thomas Sanders pictures to one in a group chat (the others in it already knew) and then to another I related myself to a tv show character that all the fans have deemed bisexual (he is, though, it's only a matter of time before he realizes it).
     Any other personal friends of mine who still read this blog: Please, please, please, don't tell anyone. Talk to me directly, don't ask anyone else. My family doesn't even know yet and I want to be the one to tell people I'm bi/demi/queer. That's my thing.

     At some point, I'll come out to everyone. I've stated before that this blog is under a pen name of mine. So while I'm coming out here, on my other social media, I'm still "straight" in most everyone's eyes. Honestly, I'm debating waiting until I'm married so that the backlash isn't as bad. I mean, no one can really say anything when that happens.
     But I freaking swear, if someone thinks I'll cheat on Felix just cause I'm bi, s*** is hitting the fan. Whoever came up with that pathetic warped view makes me seriously annoyed.

    Anyway, here are some videos I've been watching recently that have been helping me feel more content with myself. Because like I said before, being a Christian and queer is tough. But one quote from one of these videos stuck to me: "The fact is, God made me this way. I find it hard to believe He'd create me just to hate me."
     Just because I'm bi/demi/queer, it doesn't mean I can't be happy being me. No matter what, It's important that I'm proud of who I am. And you should be, too. And that includes anyone else who's not in the LGBT+ community as well. We all need to be proud of who we are.

     I hope this helps anyone else out there! Whatever happens, it's okay. You're not alone. And whether you know or don't or questioning or whatever, it'll be okay. No one knows you better than you know you.

     I'll be back soon! See you in the next post.

-Kayla

A Moment to Vent and Breathe

Hey, everyone,

     Distractions happened again. Honestly, I have recently been considering taking meds for my ADHD, anxiety, and depression. Mostly because ADHD can only be helped so much with coping methods. I mean, especially since going to college I've noticed my ADHD getting worse as coping methods have slowly stopped working as well. Motivation only takes you so far and I've been lacking any lasting motivation for a while. Don't worry, I'm planning on going to a therapist at the same time. My family is actually taking steps for me to do so at home now.

     Anyway, for the main point of this post... I honestly don't know what to talk about really. So this might become more of a venting post. Lately, my past has been coming back. I guess it's bound to do so when summer comes around. The same thing has been happening since Junior year, when the whole mess of Senior year started. For anyone's reference, Senior year is when I started this blog and when everything happened to me that I mentioned in the "My Story" post.
     Recently, I unfriended both Nora and Carmen on FB. I'd actually found Carmen and sent a friend request to her, which she accepted, surprisingly. However, nothing really came of that afterward. But I digress. Ultimately, after a while and a lot of thinking, letting them both go was the right choice. And it's not for the thoughts or reasons I'd usually think.

     In the end, yes, I did let them go for my own mental health. Just seeing them appear on the active list on Messanger would cause me terrible bouts of anxiety. But, honestly, I let them go for other reasons. Carmen was simple. I knew she most likely would never come forward and talk to me unless I initiated it. Afterall, that's how it was when we were still friends.
     Nora on the other hand... She was different. We'd known each other for years. Honestly, that's probably the only reason I waited so long. I'd been wanting to do that for months now. Longer than that, really. But I couldn't because our families know each other. And from the reaction I got afterward (keep in mind, she still hasn't contacted me at all about it herself), I was right in my thinking. Members of my family don't get my reasons.
     From what I can gather, they believe me to be holding a grudge. That I can't let go and I've been dwelling on it. I don't understand that. Because I don't think they understand the whole story.

     Even before I found out that Carmen and Nora talked behind my back (twice), I was in a heavy depression. I looked to them for help as I cried almost every night, feeling like something was wrong with me. My family didn't even notice. Or if they did, it was brushed off because they didn't see all of it. I've been told I wear my emotions on my sleeve, but back then I was better at hiding things. Times when I did say something it was just brushed off with their saying "It's just life." and "It's normal to be stressed, you just need to learn to handle it better." Is it any wonder I don't trust them?
     [deep breath and exhale]
     Senior year still bothers me. Not because of what they did, really. That just made everything worse, like a catalyst. No, it bothers me a lot mostly because it seems "cursed" in a way. Like, I can't talk about it really with anyone anymore. I mean, I can, but I feel like they're brushing me off too or I haven't told them yet. And it hurts.

     It hurts knowing I have friends who I know I can trust now. Because I just can't. I can't because I don't know if they'll do the same thing. If they see the demons still lurking inside me, will they run, too? And if they don't... I still feel that way. I still feel like everyone's going to cast me aside at some point because friends just don't stick around me. There's always someone else, someone else to take my place. Even if they don't realize it.
     All of my friends tell me different, especially Felix. They do everything they can to convince me otherwise, but on my bad days... On the bad days, the feelings inside morph. They take the best feelings I have inside and try to twist them around, make me have doubts. And I hate it because I know they aren't true and yet I can't stop it from happening. I don't know how.

     What keeps me going is hope. Hope that tomorrow will be better because today might end well, but those bad feelings are like chains. Always weighing me down until I can cast some off in the night. True, some stay, but for a while it's bearable again.

    Sorry this post was so bogged down. I've been meaning to write, but lately everything I've written has a dark twist like this. Even my stories I write for fun. I'm thinking of journalling, but I'll have to find a way that isn't typing, but also can't be found by prying family members, innocent or no.
    Tomorrow is a new day. Maybe I can write a new better post then. But plans are also busy, so I'm not sure about that. Monday at least, I'll certainly try.

I'll be back soon,

-Kayla

Friends turned Best Friends

   Hey, everybody! So, just a warning, this is gonna be super sappy, but I said early on in the makings of this blog, I share happy and random thoughts as much as I do sad thoughts on bad days. Either way, I'm about to tell you all about a very special person close to my heart in this post today.

  First, however, I want to express my thankfulness and gratitude to Violet for her post yesterday. We talked about it afterword, but it doesn't hurt to say it here as well. She's a very close friend of mine, as she's expressed and I've said in past posts. If you've been here a while, you'll notice I talk about her most out of my friends. That's because, like she comes to me, I go to her to figure out what the heck is going on in my head. Both with mental illness issues and anything to do with writing. Which is another thing, her writing is not absolute trash!!! I love reading it and so will you, I hope.
   (Also, that aerobics video was on point. XD)
   But, really, I asked her to join because most of my advice here has either come from my own intuition or something she told me and it bled into my subconscious. And I love working on things like this with her. I think asking her to join me to talk with all of you is a wonderful idea. She speaks with her own voice, which I think is something to be admired and treasured in a friend like her. :)

   Now... I'm probably going to embarrass myself and someone else very much with the rest of this post. But, to be fair, he has also been offered a place on this blog as an author when I revealed that I was the author of this blog to him. And he has accepted, so no doubt he'll get back at me for writing about this, making me go more shy than I'm about to make myself.
   If you haven't guess or missed my occasional references of him before, though no name of him has been included as of yet, I am talking about my boyfriend.

   His real name, like all mentioned here, is going to be left unknown. What he's decided to be called here is Felix. Being the dork he is, that's the name of a book character and a dragon, no less. I don't mind, though. We're both dorky and nerdy. Pretty much how we met in the first place, actually. Whether it's meeting on FB through a post I made or in person for a nerd meeting (which was sadly cancelled that day), both of our "first meetings" had something to do with being total nerds.
   Felix has been a part of my life since pretty much right around when we started college together. I honestly had no idea he'd become so important to me as the months passed by. We just grew closer as friends, not really admitting to ourselves or each other that we may like the other more than just as friends. When he told me he liked me (finally), it took me three weeks to tell him outright I returned his feelings. As cliche as it sounds, everyone knowing the truth before we did ourselves is completely true. We found that out not long after we got together when pretty much everyone admitted to us that they figured it was bound to happen.

   But, really, though, Felix means the world to me. He's helped me so much through rough days already. Whether it's been me in tears or not speaking at all, he's been there for me. In return, I've helped him through his bad days, talking with him and giving hugs. And most of this was before we even started dating!
   Honestly, I'm just happy every day when I get to wake up and I'll have a message from him because he woke up before me. It's different, I'll admit and I'm probably bias on liking his messages most when my phone vibrates. But I'm happy. Which can be said for a lot in the past year and a half.
   I mostly had that gap between November and March of no posts because that was when a remembrance of everything that had happened the year before was re-occurring. So even though I was very happy when I started dating Felix, I was afraid to get back on the blog and bring back all those memories. However, with each anniversary, if you will, that came up, Felix would do something to keep my mind off what had happened a year before. And it worked. Even when other sad memories come up and he helps talk me through them or just spends time with me, I always make sure to thank him. Because what he, and other friends, do for me on days like those are things I'll always be trying to repay.

   I miss Felix greatly at the moment. He's halfway across the world on an abroad trip through the college. We've worked it out for good nights and good mornings. I'll admit, the first week was hard. I worried constantly, whether I said so or not. But he's having a great time and we have long talks when we can, sometimes staying up later than either of us should.
   I'm really proud of him. Not just for what school work he's doing out there, but also what he's gone through up until now. Since he's going to be an author here as well, I'll leave it to him to share what parts of his story he wants told. I can say, though, that I love him very much and I thank God every day for bringing us together.

   Now, enough of the sappy talk. I'll leave it here with a song. No doubt I'll be teased about being all adorable or something. But I'll do the same to him when he writes about me, so ha!
   I don't own this song and all credits go to their rightful owners. It's just awesome. I love Really Slow Motion's music.

-Kayla

My Story

   This has been a long time coming, both in posting and in telling this. This being my story.
   I'll start by saying that all the names here I use are fictional. This is to keep others mentioned here private and to protect my own privacy. I started out that way and will continue to do so. The story and people, however, are very much true and real.
   I'm still a Christian girl, that is very true. I do have depression and anxiety, though those have lessened considerably since my last post.

   I started this when I was in high school and into college. For my senior year, while most everyone else had a good time, mine was less. Though this was mostly in my own mind, as far as anyone else could see.
   The summer before was not great. I was losing a friend as she transferred schools and feared I may lose another as the summer wore on. This is when I finally realized and admitted I had depression and social anxiety.
   Things got better when we came back to school, as I still had a small support system and my other friend had not left. But then everything just started going downhill as the stress of getting ready for college set in.
   It was still relatively normal as we came into a new calendar year. Just as I started to get better again, finally being able to reach out to Carmen, the friend who'd left, everything collapsed.
   I got blown off time and again whenever I'd try to figure out when something was wrong with one of my friends who'd stayed. I won't say which, for privacy. I also got brushed aside when I'd try to contact Carmen sometimes. Nothing made sense to me and I didn't know what was going on.
   So, finally, I snapped. I confronted both friends when we were on break and told them to prove that I meant something to them or our friendship was over. That was when I found out from one that the two had talked behind my back on at least two occasions. She was very apologetic and I forgave her, of course. I did with Carmen as well, but that was not why our friendship shattered.
   I broke off my friendship with Carmen because I could see to her, I was just a cast-away friend. I didn't mean much to her in the first place, so I didn't expect that to change after I found out something like this. She even said that she didn't even care and told me not to contact her again.
   I did a few times, though. Not via phone as I had before. Once through another friend to tell her I forgave her. The reply to that wasn't the nicest, with Carmen saying that she felt she'd done nothing wrong and that we should just leave our friendship as a memory. Well, that's what I can remember of her emailed reply.

   That was what hurt the most. Having someone I'd confided in ripped away from me like that. It was like losing Jade, but worse. I knew I shouldn't have trusted Carmen from the start, but I did anyway because I was a kind person. I saw she needed some friends, so I reached out and became one. I proceeded to trust her with other memories that lead to my social anxiety, considering her to be one of my closest friends.
   How could it not feel like I was being stabbed in the chest when she told me that I'd never opened up to her?

   Whether she meant to or not, that was one of the big factors that came to my darkest day. When I was so tired and upset and hurt that I told myself that if I died then, no one would notice or care. The day when I wanted nothing more than to end my own life.
   I don't know completely how I snapped out of it, except something very personal that made me stronger in my faith. But I'm here now and that's why I started this blog.
   I wanted to do something, give hope for others so that maybe they would find something to hold onto in a dark day. Something where I would bring a little more light than dark in this broken world.

   I did reach out to Carmen again a week later, sending one last email to tell her exactly what I thought about hers. And I saw her in person some months later along with reaching out to her on FB after I found out she'd been bullied. I think I wrote about those last reach-outs in past posts.

   Since coming to college, I have had a few more days where I want to re-enact that day. Though the urge was less intense, it was still strong. So, I did start counseling and made a really great support group of my new friends, along with keeping some of the old. Near Christmas, someone jokingly asked if I'd ever wanted to kill myself, to which I gave a calm, but a bit short-tempered, retort continuing the topic that'd been going on before that. I had a near shut down after that, but I was able to talk to a friend through it. Maybe that's what made me snap out of it more, having someone there and not avoiding my fear of that day.
   I made a significant increase in getting better as we came into this new year. It's gotten to the point where I may even be ending counseling soon. I've had a rough couple of weeks recently, as that's when most of this story reached its year point. But I've had friends to help me through it and I'm stronger now in myself than I was then. And maybe some of it has to do with the fact I have my boyfriend now. :) (And no, this isn't the guy I was going on about. This one is very sweet and caring and I love him very much. He understands all of this, going through depression and anxiety himself, helping me though rough days as I help him through his. He's my best friend.)

   Which is why, I have to ask. Should I continue this blog? Come up with new entries every week and continue? Or should I just leave it up, not adding anymore?
   I don't get emails like I used to and not many comments either. Am I really helping or no?

   Please reply in some way. I keep everything anonymous and do my very best to never judge a soul. Have I helped in any way with this blog?

   I'll come back in a few days, checking my email and everything else until then. I'll decide then the fate of my blog. I'll also put my story on the My Story page for quick analysis.

   See you all in a few days.

-Kayla

A Child

   Hey, everyone.

   So, before getting into what I want to talk today, I'm not sure about something. I don't want a boyfriend. Frankly, I'm not sure if I'd even have time for one, judging on how much I procrastinate and need to get things done. But, at the same time, I... kind of... do. Want a boyfriend, that is.
   Someday. I know someday I'll have a boyfriend and get married. I want a love like Amy and Rory's. Annabeth and Percy's. Bones and Booth's. Someday. I can wait. :)

   To the topic for today, I've been thinking about age again. I made a post, back when I was first starting here on this topic. Sort of. It was about gullibility and such. Some have been commenting that I'm such a child recently, so I've been thinking it over and came to a conclusion.
   I purposely act younger than I really am. The way I dress, sometimes make myself hyper, still have my stuffed animals. All of that is on purpose.
   I never wanted to grow up. I didn't want to get hurt, didn't want to go through what life had to throw at me. But I did. I still am. Stuff is still hard sometimes. I've been lying awake some nights, imagining Carmen coming here, ruining one of the few places I've never seen her. In my mind, I'm still angry as much as I was before. Even though I was civil at our last meeting, I don't know if that was just because other people that knew me were there. Now I'm some place new... Well, I'm not sure how I'd react.
   Still, I didn't want to be like this. I didn't want to be hurt, to be sad, to be betrayed. But there are other people in this world who don't think about that when they act as they do. Even I have slipped up sometimes.

   The reason I act or dress the way that I do is because even though I went through all this stuff, even though it still hurts like heck, I keep my childishness as much as I can. In my eyes, I can barely see it now. But it keeps up the illusion to other people.
   Well, sort of. To the others like me, or the ones I let in, they can see behind my mask. They can see the hurt, the things I don't want the world to.
   When they do, it's just a matter of waiting. Who will stay? Some only stay for the good days, like Carmen. They don't like the bad days, tend to act the harshest then. The ones who I feel matter more are the ones who stay, even after I get angry or cry. My best friends. Maybe some new as well.

   Those who accept me for who I am, flaws and all, are the ones who I'll fight for as much as I fight myself.
   I might act and look younger than I am, but that's where people underestimate me. :)

   Another song seems to be in order. I don't own the rights, all that blah blah. This one is just instrumental, the trailer music to Pan. I can't stop listening to it lately. It's just so powerful and beautiful. I hope you like it as much as I do.

-Kayla

Stay

   Hey, everyone.

   Days are long and sometimes hard. I still have times when a single thought can ruin my whole day. Or I think it does. Sometimes I can snap out of it. Those times are getting easier and easier to leave behind, but... I still cry when the lights go out now and then.
   The main reason I cry now is because I miss my friends so much. I mean, my new ones are great, fantastic. Some I know I'll grow very close to like I did my other ones.
   I just miss making memories. I miss being able to turn around and smile at a shared joke that no one knows but a few. They were, are, my family. Sometimes it's as if a part of me left with them.

   Maybe that's why I get so effected by the friendships that were ended so harshly. I put myself in friendships. Just when I start to open up, I get shut down.
   That's why I stayed a loner when I was younger. That's why I didn't talk to anyone, didn't try to make any really close friends. I got disappointed in the end anyway, so what was the point?
   Kicker is, I still don't want to care about how it effected me. I still care about everyone else. My friends, even someone who did the act of stabbing me in the back. I want to know why. What made them want to hurt me like that? Were they so hurt inside that they had to take it out on me? Was that all I was to them? Not really someone to share feelings or secrets with? Just an outlet?

  Over the years, I've admitted to myself that I have been deeply effected by these broken bonds. No one forgets broken trust easily, never. I'll never forget those words, never forget the feeling of having my insides torn out.

   I wanted to become a loner again. Before Carmen betrayed me, I wanted to lock myself up again. I wanted to hide away inside, not let anyone in too deep. I felt something wrong before it ever happened. I wanted to protect the people around me from what was inside. I was convinced that I would just hurt them. I felt like it was all my fault.
   But something intervened. Maybe it was because before then I'd started sharing secrets and even this one couldn't remain hidden for long. I don't know, but something made me tell Nora, Violet, and Abigail about my depression and social anxiety. True, it was all spread apart, but eventually, I trusted each to know. They were the first to know about this blog.
   They didn't let me sink back. In fact, they pulled me out. I started talking more, becoming more social. I've made friends that I can trust here, seeing the signs in them that I saw in my old friends. A few new friends I'm wary of, but that's maybe because I still see Carmen in people, too. I'm still trying to figure that out.

   Part of me is still scared to death. I've won several battles, but I don't know if I've won the war. But I can't afford to loose. There are others, others like me that I need to be there for. That's what's kept me here, I know it.
   I am here to help others like me. I'm here to bring hope for others when I know I had none.

   You can't give up. Someday someone is going to look you in the eye, shake your hand, and say "You're the reason I didn't give up."

   I want to be there for that day. What about you?

-Kayla

Heavy

   Hey everyone.

   Do you ever just have those days where you feel like a weight is on your shoulders? Where you walk around and even if you're fine, it's a good day, but it's just there in the back of your mind? I've had those days a few times recently.
   I've been getting a lot better. Really, it's great. I'm making new friends, getting past some of my fears, being myself without worrying about what anyone thinks.

   I had nearly went back again recently, though. I made a stupid mistake. It probably wouldn't make much sense to anyone why I'm so connected to a computer. But through my inattentiveness, it's now broken, probably without repair.
   Several things went through my head when it happened. "What do I do?" was the first. Next "How do I know how my relatives are doing?" Before "Jade."
   Funny thing is I didn't even think about my friends back home for a while. Not sure why, exactly, but they were one of the last things I thought of, even after Jade came in my mind. I still have yet to tell Jade's full story here, but it did involve my not paying attention before the events leading to her passing.

   That mistake was the ending of bad luck that had happened for the few days before then. I was retreating back into myself again. Something I'd swore to myself never to do again. True, it was more similar to this summer in depth, but after getting into a better state, I don't want to go back.
   I know it's not guaranteed to have a perfect record. Heck, it's not even expected that you should.

   All I want is just to know I've made headway. And I have. The pure fact that I'm more upbeat at the end of this week compared to the horrible start is something to be counted for.
   I go for the little victories. Those add up to winning the war. :)

   I'll be changing the song of the month soon. Check out the archive, anyone who has yet to. See what this blog is about.

-Kayla

Scared

   Hey, everyone. Wow, already past 1,500 views and Forgiveness has had over 250 viewings. Just shows how important it is, huh? :)

   So, have you ever dreaded a phone call? Like, something from the doctor that you fear is serious, or a missed call from your mom, or a break-up call, or something like that?

   Each of those is usually something not as bad as we think. Other times it is or worse. But most of the time, you know it's coming. You have a range of days or hours when you know you'll get the phone call and can prepare for it.

   The worst phone calls you can wait for are the ones without that time range.

   I have two relatives, each with cancer, and both very much in the older range. They've outlived the cancer for longer than the doctors said they would. But now that I'm here, I'm terrified.

   I'm in a place farther from my comfort zone, far from home. It's not like when we get a phone call about them I can just go to my room and cope. I mean, sure I love it here and I'm comfortable. But it's not the same as having somewhere to ground myself, somewhere I can anchor onto when my whole world crashes down.

   Relatives passing is nothing new to me. I experienced grief for the first time when I was very young. But I've always been home. Or I've always been able to go there not long after getting the news. Now I can't.

   I do know that I'll be okay with that though. I've been grieving for Jade a lot here and it's helped me in a way to feel safer here. I have new friends who help and an environment that feels like home away from home.

   But I'm scared of losing them while I'm gone maybe because, well, I won't be able to say goodbye. Probability points out that I won't be able to leave if they're in the hospital again or if there's a funeral.

   I've seen them both in the last few months, which was great. Still, all the 'what if's are terrifying.

   I won't tell you what those are, but I'm sure you can fill in the blanks. If it does happen while I'm here and I do manage to cope with it, I'll share how I have or am here. Maybe my experiences will help someone else. :)

-Kayla

Big Heart

   Hey everyone! It's still amazing for me to see just how many people are reading my blog now. It warms my heart. :)

   So, new stuff going on. I've been keeping busy, though not so busy that I'm totally stressed out. Which is probably a good thing, as my old friends seem to be struggling. It's hard being away from them. But as much as I hate being away from them, well... To admit, I kind of like being apart from them.

   Here, at this new place, I can start over. I can use what I learned by being around my old friends and my same moral principles I've had all my life to make a better start. No one knows me here. They don't know that I used to be the odd one out, the shy kid, the shunned one. Except for one of my new friends, no one knows of my hardships from the past year. And she understands enough to just listen and even relate with me at some parts.
   Remember that guy I've talked about sometimes? Well, my old friends don't like him anymore. One was guarded before, while another was starting to. Actually, I haven't spoken to Abigail about some new stuff that's happened, but yesterday talking with Nora and Violet was strained. Both seemed to immediately hate him after he appeared to be acting like a jerk. I honestly couldn't see it, nor could my new friend. Sure, some stuff was just stupid, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been. And, from experience with old groups of friends even before my three closest, I know it wasn't bad.
   Still, even with the apology he gave me after, Violet and Nora are still worried about me. I was able to logically talk with Violet, though not with Nora yet. Anyway, Violet and I agreed that I am okay enough to look after myself. I've got enough common sense not to get too involved with him.

   If he did ask me out in any resent time, like next week or something, I would turn him down. But not because my old friends didn't like him or anything like that. I'd ask if he'd asked the other girl's permission first (my other friend, who still doesn't know I like him) because they'd had mutual feelings toward each other, though he was a bit more pushy. I wouldn't date him until she'd said both to me and to him that it was okay.
   But even if he had and in recent future, I would still say no. And here's the reason why: Neither of us are ready yet.
   I've never been on a date. Never had a guy really show interest in me other than what my friends insist on (which I seriously doubt is a real crush on me). But I want to learn more about who I am first. I know my boundaries, so if everyone could stop reminding me to look out after that, that'd be awesome. What I'd rather know is what I should look for in a guy who is truly and selflessly into me. Someone who I know God has planned out for me. I'm willing to wait for that though.

   Now, him? Well, he's complicated. When I first met him in person, I dismissed everything I thought I knew about him. Wait, maybe that doesn't make much sense.
   Let's go back to when I met Carmen. I make instinctual decisions about people. I look at them, glance, full-on, whatever. Whatever gut feeling I get, I follow. Carmen's was the big, flashing, Stay Away. I didn't and I know where it got me.
   Back to him. I'd met him online and my friend was convincing me that he and I had crushes on each other. I kept telling her 'just friends' and guess who was right? This girl! So even over the internet, I could tell. I knew I was going to meet him in person, which made me nervous because he was the only one I'd really talked to so far that I could maybe have as a friend. Then when I first heard him, I got all jittery, not because of a crush, but because I'd been so nervous all day about coming and then meeting people, that finally relaxing made me shaky. Looking at him was different.
   I've been thinking it over since last night. I remember even the Carmen thing taking a few days to figure out because I couldn't identify just what the big negative feeling was. Remembering back to when I first saw him, one word popped into my head:
   Lost.

   He feels lost to me. He acts all confident around his new friends when I see him from afar. He jokes with me online and talks with me occasionally in person during the week. He's a bit hotheaded and stubborn, from stories I've heard and aren't hard to imagine.
   But I've seen his guard come down a few times. Sometimes for a second or even as long as a minute. He's just lost.
   My new friend that I trust, the one who knows I like him, said that he needs to grow up and 'date himself' for a while before getting back into a new relationship. And I agree, He should.

   For now, I'm going to remain his friend. He's a mix between crush and brother to me. Which one will win out? I don't care. I know God has someone planned out for me and I know they'll be the right one, whomever they may be and whenever they appear in my life.
   I can wait. But while I wait, I'm going to help others and be a friend. Because I have a big heart.
   Do I trust too easily? No. None of my new friends know about my blog and only one knows about my mental problems. I'm still very guarded, though open about being myself.
   But I care a lot. I want to help others as others have helped me. I know when to step back and I know when to stretch out a hand.
   Even if it goes against my old friends' best interests, I know what is right. I go by instinct, because when I don't even to follow the suggestions and advice by the ones who love me most, I end up getting hurt, sometimes even others as well.

   I'm not making another Carmen mistake again. I'm going to make a difference in this world, starting with inside myself.

-Kayla