I've been thinking a lot since my last post. I'm still going to hold myself to what I said there and stay true to that. Because lashing out at others isn't fun, for either side.
I will say, though, to anyone reading this, not just to any friends of mine, but if the idea or mention of talking behind someone's back makes you feel guilty, even years afterward, something is up. And I'm not saying you still do it, far from that. But it's something to remember.
Like, I do, occasionally. Mostly because I used to get roped into that type of thing and then later did it on my own a few times. True, it wasn't as bad and I would always tattle on myself to the person after, but still. Even now if I say something negative to one friend about another when the other isn't around, I make sure it's something that I can talk to the other person about in a constructive manner. (Also because typically when I do this it's to get pointers about how to talk to said person.)
The reason why I'm bringing this up again is that two things happened. One, I saw a quote I've read before and thought I should share here. And, two, a friend from college who mentioned they talked behind my back reached out to me about it. I'll explain more after the quote.
Now, to what the friend said. Basically, I'd told them before that I was upset they did that, though left out personal reasons why because I wasn't sure what they would do with that information. Then, like I said, recently they reached out to me out of the blue and asked me if I was still mad. I dunno, maybe they read this blog. Or know my personal FB. Whatever the reason, something they said struck a chord in me.
At first, they said so we can move past it. And I was like, okay, fine. Some more conversation went along and their conversation went in more of the direction of "So I can move past it." Suddenly it wasn't we anymore. It was them. And that left me confused. I still said apologizes and stuff because I do feel bad when I've hurt someone when being upset. But should I still be friends with that person?
To clarify, this person hasn't treated me how I think a friend should treat another. They know about my bad days, but almost seem like they avoid me when I have them. Then when I talk about my interests, I'm either dismissed or treated as if I'm not worth their time. With the conversation, I realized that I was apologizing more for being hurt than they were about hurting me. Even if it was only months ago and we've barely spoken about it since then, why did they suddenly decide I needed to be the one to apologize for their wrongdoing?
And yet, if they reach out to me to hang out, I'll put my plans aside. If they're stressed and trying to talk to me to let it out, I'll do my best to sit and listen. Because I really don't like to leave someone on a bad day. I know how it feels, even from my own family members.
Truthfully, I will say when I'm having an off day, I will let them know I can't talk, usually only if they're just bringing up the same problems. Like, another friend of mine just will. not. stop. talking. about. guys. I understand she does have self-esteem issues, though, for reasons I'll keep private. But still, I've had to draw the line when my own mental health is at risk. I'm no help to anyone if I burn out. Not to say I won't help them when I'm having a good day, because of course I will, no matter how repeated the subject is. It's draining, but I know it helps them sometimes.
Anyway, any friend who's been starting to treat me like the person I was mentioning, I'm honestly considering dropping as well as the obviously bad ones. They're good to talk to and I enjoy talking to them. But if I'm either a) not being treated right and/or b) know they have a history (more current and frequent) of talking behind other's backs, I don't see that friendship working out. My "good heart" everyone keeps telling me I have, starts growing cold. And I notice the ones who told me they were my "good friend" start changing that view once I start growing into my own person and more confident. And by this I mean, I start questioning more of their treatment of me and they try telling me I'm the one in the wrong. Like with the person I was mentioning. I asked them why they didn't make time for me like I would for them and they said "Well, I'm busy and I'm already doing a lot of the work in our friendship. What about you? I mean, I didn't ask you to stop [such and such a thing] to hang out with me."
Friendships should be equal. You give and take, not one or the other. I've found in most friendships I'll give and give with not a lot given back, in any way shape or form. Then there are times where I'll see myself taking a lot and I snap myself out of it and change tactics as best and as soon as I can. Actually, this includes any relationship in general. Friends, significant other, family, or anyone else.
And only, only, if it's mentioned or asked about, I'll add in my two cents about how a bad friend has treated me poorly if someone else is being treated the same way by that person. Because the last thing I want to do is influence people to choose my side, as I'm only one person and I don't always know the other side. But it's still something to think about. And something that needs to be stopped, desperately. Like, the reason I felt so sick doing anything remotely close to talking bad about someone is that there was no pleasure from it. Where's the gain in putting someone down for being who they are? That's never made sense to me.
I'd try and promise again not to talk about this type of thing anymore, but honestly, I don't think I can. I'm going to keep it more anonymous in who I talk about, but since this seems to follow me around for basically my entire life now. Plus, I created this blog after it happened to me significantly two years ago. Bullies aren't something I'll approve of. Ever. Whether it's obvious or subtle, it's something I'll combat as much as I do my own issues. There are too many people out there like me. Too many. And it has to stop.
So if you know someone who's done any of this, you've done this yourself, have been a victim, or all of the above, work together to stop it. And, friends, that includes me. If anyone reads this and knows me personally and I've hurt you in this way, please tell me. I want to stop it, even if I've been the bad guy.
Trust me, I'm going to try to talk about being non-binary in the next post. But it's summer and getting closer to September. That's around the same time when I would get really bad so I might be posting more like this. Which isn't bad. I know someone out there, or many someones, would benefit from hearing this. Mostly to know they aren't alone. And that's why I made this blog. So people like me didn't feel alone anymore.
-Kay
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