Half In, Half Out

Hey, everyone,

     Two posts in one week? Holy cow! I'm on a roll! But seriously, I have a bit more serious stuff to cover. Not that everything else addressed hasn't been serious recently, but... I'm going to address something I should have made a better understanding of in my last posts.

     Now, I've mentioned in my other posts, I'm only "out" to a few people. And those people I've done my best to tell personally. Or in some roundabout way like, like in this blog, for a few. However, things like being a demisexual bisexual non-binary person is a little bit hard for some people I know to be accepting of. Either that or they'll bombard me with questions that I don't have answers to yet. I mean, I only just accepted to myself that I was non-binary almost three weeks ago now.
     So, among the people not in the know about any little part of it, or at least of me not telling them myself in any way shape or form, are my entire family (immediate and extended) and even some of my friends. This is because there are two things that could happen in either or both of these groups of people:
1) I could be cast out/disowned/whatever.
2) They won't understand and try to "change" me.
     Because one thing I've been learning is that not everyone accepts you right away. Or they say they do, but... Things get said to others who shouldn't have known about any of that in the first place! I've had that happen to me and it didn't even have to do with being LGBT+. So I'm kind of happy I'm not friends with those specific people anymore because I know this secret I have wouldn't be for long. Either that or they would talk behind my back about it.

     Yes, I'm talking about Carmen and Nora. Honestly, I wavered. A lot. I didn't know if I could trust them after that and part of me still wanted to. Heck, who am I kidding? Sometimes I still want the closeness of being able to confide things without judgment. That's probably why it hurt so much when I learned not even that was existent between us. They talked behind my back between themselves first, then later I hear from a third party that they knew about things that they couldn't have heard about except from either of those two. And the difference was, now I knew which one was involved with the more recent stuff. So yeah, they're both now kicked out of my life. A lot of wavering between that time, but it's done.
     Although, one of them knows this blog exists. So if they're still reading it, read this since this is the only way I'm going to talk to you: If this leaks, I know it was you. I don't know what I'd do about it, but whatever shred of remaining trust I have will be gone forever. And if that doesn't matter? Well, actually, I feel sorry for any of your current friends. And especially for you.

     Sorry, guys. I just reeeally have a problem with anyone saying something to someone else that's none of the third party's business. I talk about what happened here and to other friends in college because on here, I've changed names and I don't tell what exactly happened. I don't say what words were said, what they told me in confidence. Do I talk about what happened to me and how I found out about what they said and who told me? Yes. Because that was me directly being involved. Now, friends from college? Yeah, they know details. But that's because I know there's a 95% chance they'll never meet these two in person or otherwise (the other 5% is because I have rotten luck and apologize for it in advance).
     Now, I have told a few other people who also know the other two, but I also trust these people far more to not talk. I know I can trust them, unlike the other two. And I know that no matter what I say, they'll make their own opinions of the two. I honestly don't care who's friends with who. As long as no one is getting hurt, things like that don't bother me. (And if it does bother me even a little, I ignore it because it's still none of my business who others are friends with.)

     Honestly, neither of them probably read this because I made it clear at the beginning I was going to make this more faith-based. I'm planning on bringing that more to the forefront again, I promise. My personal connection to faith kind of faded to the background (kind of? not really? I'll explain in another post) for a time, but I've been getting better now and so has my faith/prayer life. Mostly it's just hard bringing it up on a blog since that's the most personal part of my life that not even my boyfriend knows what goes on sometimes unless I tell him. Like, I tell him more than most, but the time between God and me is between us.

     Anyway, the bottom line to this uber long post (sorry bout that), if someone is in the LGBT+ community and they tell you that and you know they're keeping quiet about it to at least one person or more, don't tell anyone else. Okay? That's just decency.
     I know for me, coming out is something I like doing personally because then I'm right there and it's not as big a lash-back as someone finding out through the grapevine. Like my family. They'd probably be super hurt to find out through someone else about all this. And I'm going to tell them, eventually. I just want to do it right when I can actually answer questions about it.
     Also when I'm more positive they won't judge me for it. One thing I've found among anyone is that a surprising amount of people seem to take it as a personal offence when I'm not matching the image or idea of me that they've decided I am. I don't know why, but until I do or I know who does, I'm still not "out of the closet" yet. Half in, half out.
     But it's my choice, and right, to come out when I'm ready. Not when someone else decides I should be.

     Well, that was a long one and serious and venting, but in my next one, I'm planning on talking more about being non-binary. And looking back on some of my old posts about expressing yourself from oh so long ago to see how different I was then from now.
     I'll be back again soon. See yah!

-Kayla