Trapped in the Corner

Hey, everyone,

     So, the last post was really ranty. And I'm sorry about that, to everyone. Basically, when my fear and anxiety get a hold of me, it's really hard to shake. I mean, Violet can attest to that. We were talking about some stuff the other day and both had problems communicating to the point where we both were afraid we wrecked our friendship.
     When I get anxious or feel like I'm trapped in a corner, I lash out in some direction. Not always to harm or hurt. Just to get my words out because I feel like I can't do anything else. For example, I've been playing a game called Guild Wars 2 recently where I have to go on missions and fight things. With my character, I can do ranged attacks. Sadly built in with the mechanism, if you're too overzealous in your technic, you can draw unwanted attention by accidentally targetting more enemies automatically. The "unwanted attention" in this case was I managed to lash out and do the overall undesired action. Which was to hurt others. Both in my recent conversations with Violet and in my last post.

     That being said, everyone's probably sick of me talking about Carmen and Nora and I get it. Believe me, I want to stop too. It's not fair to them or me. All three of us are trying to move on with our lives without me dragging in what happened or anything after. But I'll say right now, it's not easy.
     All my life, a few people keep telling me I dwell on things too much (*cough* family *cough*). Then after that, I'm like, okay... So how do you want me to not? Because in their eyes if I talk about something they believe has already been "taken care of", then it's a moot point. Right? Wrong. If I'm still talking about it and getting emotional, there's something other than the already moved on aspects that are bothering me.
     The reason I'm bringing this up is that I'll talk with my therapist about Senior year as more of just an example now than an "I'm still bothered about what they did." And yeah, am I bothered about it still? Maybe? I don't know anymore, honestly. It's not about the people directly. Actually, it's really not about them specifically. It more has to do with the fact that it wasn't the first occurrence. It had happened once before to me years and years ago with an entirely different group of friends. So, of course, it would make a bigger impact on me the second time around.
     Senior year was already hard on me before the whole thing happened. Honestly, I feel like I'm the one at fault for the events to happen the way they did sometimes. I didn't know what was wrong with me. My depression and anxiety were getting worse and worse and I didn't feel like I had anyone to turn to. I cried almost every night trying to find some solace in feeling... something, anything. So I would lash out at people around me, my friends who I felt like they were the only people I could trust, in a kind of warped hope that they would notice and stop me. Of course it would backfire. Why wouldn't it? No one likes being lashed out at from something that they don't know what they did.
     In current anxiety terms, yeah, I still lash out at them. The old friends, I mean. Granted, I don't lash out as much at the new ones. Though I still do a little more than I should sometimes. But either way, most of the lashing is in my head because I know once the anxiety and cornered feelings are gone, that's not the "real me", in a sense. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone or make them uncomfortable. Heck, it's not even just the old friends, it's my family, too. I rarely said a word or gave a hint of how bad I was until these past few months, and yet I expected back then for them to notice and help me. Granted, there were many hints... Anyway, not the point, moving on. I'm not perfect in my approaches. So I shouldn't automatically expect everyone else to be. That's stupid. We're all human. And humans make mistakes. Duh.

     Anxiety, depression, ADHD, demisexual, bisexual, non-binary, and trust. All these words come up a lot in my blog, especially now. And that's because I've been looking back on my life and looking ahead. Mostly because of those last four. Being any part of the LGBT+ community is both liberating and terrifying. You're free because you finally know you're not going crazy and there's a whole community to support you, but then you're terrified because people you know, people you care about, may not accept you. And it calls into question more of who you can trust.
     Past experience tells me at some point, I'll be more over my anxieties and doubts about who I am, where I stand in life, and who's right there with me. That's what happened with the original case from many years ago. So I'm not dumb enough (right now) to say that there is a chance I'll be able to trust my old friends again. Even if it's not to the same degree as it used to be. If they were the first offense, it might be easier to trust more again. However, because someone else did the deed first, I'm more guarded. But that's not all a bad thing. It means I'm more guarded with others in my life, too. There are friends I dropped in college because I couldn't trust them with my mental illnesses, let alone my LBGT+ background. Guarded trust shouldn't mean you trust no one. It just means you should be more careful about how you go about doing things and who it's with.

     Anyway, I wanted to say sorry again to all my friends, old and new alike. Lashing out at you guys is just as hard on me as it is on you guys. And I probably beat at myself more than I should for it. But honestly, it's gotten a lot better. Anyone who's current with me in my life personally knows that and even those who don't hopefully know it as well to some degree.
     Either way, communication is the most important thing in any relationship. Friends, family, significant other, you name it. Heck, even during a school project. If no one talks, anyone having a problem never discussed may start to sit on it without realizing it. I can attest to that personally. (spoiler alert: it sucks)
     For me, personally, I really prefer a long chat with someone rather than five minutes small talk because, otherwise, I don't get all my words out right. Then anything that needs to be talked about is talked about rather than not even mentioned. Seriously, ask anyone who talks on the phone with me. I'll sound like a stiff robot if I know it's quick. But then you get me talking and I can't shut up. It's a thing. That goes to the other side, too. I like being able to hear everyone's side, but if the other side doesn't talk... Well, then I'm a sitting lump. Back when I was little, I think I made everyone else feel like a lump. With friends since then, I think those same people want me to go back into that locked box because they don't know what to do with me now that I have a voice and more expression to me. (*cough* family *cough* (Am I throwing too much shade with a dash of pettiness? Maybe. ~I really don't care.~)) I'll probably talk about that more in depth at some point, along with the many things I've been thinking about being non-binary.

     Now I'm gonna stop blathering on and leave a video here. It's more Thomas Sanders because he just came out with a new Cartoon Therapy video that's been in the works for weeks. I'm probably going to watch it again because it's really worth it. If you've got time, I encourage you to watch it, too.
     I'm also gonna add a song in case anyone wants a shorter thing or two things. I really love it a lot and hope someday to sing it with friends to inspire others.
     (I own nothing, all credits to the creators of the respectful things.)

-Kay
(PS I'm gonna start signing these more gender neutral-ish just to see how I feel about it; you know, they/them dealio)