Waves of Change

Hey, everyone,

     Well, so I've decided something. I'll be keeping this blog up for as long as I can, but once I start the seperateYouTube in who knows how long, I'll probably be posting less. The reason mostly being that new start I mentioned in the last post, also to avoid repeating content. I'll be saying whatever comes to my mind, similar to how I do here. Though less filtered in videos, I think. We'll see.

     To the actual post, though, I've been shifting. A lot. Like, earlier I was slammed into feeling like a girl again when I felt like a boy for days. No idea what happened to cause it. Then I was neutral for the rest of the day, going into male feeling for a while, before going back to neutral where I am now. (It's been a few days since I wrote this, so I was neutral for a long while and now I'm back to more male-sided.)
     Mostly, I'm pretty sure I'm shifting so much is because the rest of me is trying to catch up with these realizations. Part of me is still trying to revert back to my repressed self while most of me is doing its best to let loose. And I'm perfectly fine just riding it out. Like, I'll go most of the day without even thinking about it and then there's a shift, so the thoughts come back.

     Anyway, I know I can handle this. I know I can figure it out. After all, it's not something I can just go to counseling or be diagnosed for like I would for my depression, anxiety, or ADHD. Because not being straight and/or not being cisgender isn't a mental illness. There are sexual disorders, but those are all externally caused and have nothing to do with what gender (or non-gender) you're attracted to. Except for pedophilia, but that's a whole different can of worms. (Seriously, there are people who try and have "gender doesn't matter so age shouldn't matter" in a campaign to add in people who are attracted to children into the LGBT+ community; I say I don't like judging, but that's just honestly messed up.)
     Gender dysphoria is, however, a mental illness, but not everyone who is non-binary or trans has that. Gender dysphoria, according to my class textbook, can only really be determined when the patient themselves is extremely distressed by their dysphoria. This dysphoria has to do with having someone identify as a certain gender, but their body doesn't match what's in their head. It's distressing to the point that it can cause severe depression and distress in someone.
     Like, I have dysphoria to a point so I might have been diagnosed a while back if I knew there was something for how I felt. Still, I'm more upset by my dysphoria when I don't know what's going on, but that's the same as how I feel with most problems in my life (aka, probably more just my anxiety causing issues). Since researching more and more about being non-binary and the possibility I might actually be genderfluid, my dysphoria I felt even a few days ago has significantly lessened. I feel less disconnected from myself, which has been a relieving feeling.
     And friends. I'll never be more thankful for the friends I trusted with this information. I mean, one of them (that I know of) has recently been looking up info on what non-binary is. Not sure if that's because of me. Either way, it's still great because they're able to tell me information they found when I hadn't found it yet and was growing confused. For example, the other day I felt like a guy and girl at the same time and they told me that they'd seen that mentioned in a few places, so they understood the theory. And that's how I figured out there's a high chance I'm genderfluid. The more I've relaxed, the more I've become comfortable with letting myself shift rather than repressing it. Which is probably why it seems out of control sometimes. It is stabilizing, though.

     Also, for anyone who's curious, this is the definition of genderfluid I've found that I relate most to (which is I believe most of those identifying this way): can identify as male, female, both, or neither at different times. So, that scale I mentioned in earlier posts is a bit more wibbly-wobbly than I thought. But, honestly, I'm okay with that. Going by they/them and being called by my gender-neutral name (although not said a lot yet) has been helping a ton, regardless of the gender I'd currently be experiencing. I'm still okay with she/her and my real name, but I'm not going to be surprised anymore if that changes.
     I'll talk in the next post about misgendering and the effects of that and how to help. Like, I've been learning about it with my research and it's actually something that's helped a lot (which is weird). Anyway, that's for another post.

     See you in the next one!

-Kay