Everything is Fluid

Hey, everyone,

     So, as promised, here's me gonna be going on about being non-binary. I've been holding off, mostly because I'm planning on moving on to another platform someday. Probably not in relation to this blog, though. Yeah, covering the same message and basic format, but in what I'm thinking about, it'll just be me and fewer people will know the face behind it. As it is, I've been realizing how many friends I thought didn't read this blog after my initial introducing it to them are actually still reading it, I want to get a better fresh start.
     Mainly, the primary reason more has to do with the topic here.

     See, I started this blog way back when. Before I learned more about myself. Before I started reaching out more in my views of faith and became more accepting of the people and ideas around me. I understand all the teachings of the Church, but I don't always agree with some teachings that some Christians have been taught or are teaching. And that's not to say I'm right or they're wrong. That's just my personal faith journey.
     I also started this blog before I started accepting myself. Yeah, sure, I'd accepted I had anxiety and depression and all the fun stuff to go along with it. But I hadn't accepted everything else about myself like I thought I had.
     We live in a cisgender heteronormative culture. Or at least, I do. That's not the same around the world. And I think people forget that sometimes. Anyway, my point is, any deviation and it was wrong, odd, more than what I was already presenting to everyone. I mean, I was always the odd-ball out, the quiet one, the loner (the last one not always by choice, but that's a different issue). Either way, I've been looking back and seeing just how much I repressed everything. It's grown even more apparent as I've stopped (for the most part?) holding it back.

     Before I think I said in a previous post, I said I didn't stray far into the guy side of that 1-10 scale. I'm starting to think I was wrong after the past four days. For some reason, I kept shifting more and more into that side. It didn't feel weird or different, but it was a little confusing at first. Mostly because I didn't realize that was what was happening.
     That is, until I came to the realization that, yeah, maybe I don't know how a guy feels to base myself off of, but also that not all guys are the same. Just like not all girls are the same. So, like, the only base I can go off of is me, and I'm not even an "average girl" when in that mindset. Once I realized these things, the image of me as a guy popped up in my mind. Usually, things like that take time to conjure up. But the speed of this one made me realize that it's probably been in my subconscious for a while. And in looking at me, in that form, if you will...
      It was amazing. Like, one of the first signs, to me, that I really couldn't be making this up. The dysphoria and moments where I didn't feel at place in my body, those weren't fake. Those feelings, which I'd been having for years, that wasn't all in my head anymore. They had names(non-binary, genderfluid, etc), there was a face, there was a voice. There was me.

     Another moment (not long after) would be when Felix called me by the genderneutral name I'd been thinking about and run by him as something to maybe call me by sometimes. In that moment, paired with the other words around it, I was so happy that I cried, which is rare. I'll often say I'll be so happy that I'll cry, but it rarely actually happens. The three times I can remember all involve Felix, though.
     Anyway, so to that title up there, I've also been thinking about my sexuality. Basically, (I think!) when I'm more neutral in the gender category, either no gender or feeling somewhat both, then I'm more ace. But when I'm in either specific gender mindset (1-3.5 or 6.5-10 on the scale), then I'm feeling more demi/bi. Not 100% sure, but that's where it's at right now.
     My sexuality and gender are both as fluid as the other, that much I do know. I might start saying I'm gender fluid now rather than non-binary, but I think I'll stay with the latter for some time yet because I'm not all sure.

     Either way, it's been a long several weeks and I'm signing off for the night. See you in the next post!

-Kay
(PS, I'm gonna come up with a better name here, because that one is odd to me)