A Child

   Hey, everyone.

   So, before getting into what I want to talk today, I'm not sure about something. I don't want a boyfriend. Frankly, I'm not sure if I'd even have time for one, judging on how much I procrastinate and need to get things done. But, at the same time, I... kind of... do. Want a boyfriend, that is.
   Someday. I know someday I'll have a boyfriend and get married. I want a love like Amy and Rory's. Annabeth and Percy's. Bones and Booth's. Someday. I can wait. :)

   To the topic for today, I've been thinking about age again. I made a post, back when I was first starting here on this topic. Sort of. It was about gullibility and such. Some have been commenting that I'm such a child recently, so I've been thinking it over and came to a conclusion.
   I purposely act younger than I really am. The way I dress, sometimes make myself hyper, still have my stuffed animals. All of that is on purpose.
   I never wanted to grow up. I didn't want to get hurt, didn't want to go through what life had to throw at me. But I did. I still am. Stuff is still hard sometimes. I've been lying awake some nights, imagining Carmen coming here, ruining one of the few places I've never seen her. In my mind, I'm still angry as much as I was before. Even though I was civil at our last meeting, I don't know if that was just because other people that knew me were there. Now I'm some place new... Well, I'm not sure how I'd react.
   Still, I didn't want to be like this. I didn't want to be hurt, to be sad, to be betrayed. But there are other people in this world who don't think about that when they act as they do. Even I have slipped up sometimes.

   The reason I act or dress the way that I do is because even though I went through all this stuff, even though it still hurts like heck, I keep my childishness as much as I can. In my eyes, I can barely see it now. But it keeps up the illusion to other people.
   Well, sort of. To the others like me, or the ones I let in, they can see behind my mask. They can see the hurt, the things I don't want the world to.
   When they do, it's just a matter of waiting. Who will stay? Some only stay for the good days, like Carmen. They don't like the bad days, tend to act the harshest then. The ones who I feel matter more are the ones who stay, even after I get angry or cry. My best friends. Maybe some new as well.

   Those who accept me for who I am, flaws and all, are the ones who I'll fight for as much as I fight myself.
   I might act and look younger than I am, but that's where people underestimate me. :)

   Another song seems to be in order. I don't own the rights, all that blah blah. This one is just instrumental, the trailer music to Pan. I can't stop listening to it lately. It's just so powerful and beautiful. I hope you like it as much as I do.

-Kayla