Stay

   Hey, everyone.

   Days are long and sometimes hard. I still have times when a single thought can ruin my whole day. Or I think it does. Sometimes I can snap out of it. Those times are getting easier and easier to leave behind, but... I still cry when the lights go out now and then.
   The main reason I cry now is because I miss my friends so much. I mean, my new ones are great, fantastic. Some I know I'll grow very close to like I did my other ones.
   I just miss making memories. I miss being able to turn around and smile at a shared joke that no one knows but a few. They were, are, my family. Sometimes it's as if a part of me left with them.

   Maybe that's why I get so effected by the friendships that were ended so harshly. I put myself in friendships. Just when I start to open up, I get shut down.
   That's why I stayed a loner when I was younger. That's why I didn't talk to anyone, didn't try to make any really close friends. I got disappointed in the end anyway, so what was the point?
   Kicker is, I still don't want to care about how it effected me. I still care about everyone else. My friends, even someone who did the act of stabbing me in the back. I want to know why. What made them want to hurt me like that? Were they so hurt inside that they had to take it out on me? Was that all I was to them? Not really someone to share feelings or secrets with? Just an outlet?

  Over the years, I've admitted to myself that I have been deeply effected by these broken bonds. No one forgets broken trust easily, never. I'll never forget those words, never forget the feeling of having my insides torn out.

   I wanted to become a loner again. Before Carmen betrayed me, I wanted to lock myself up again. I wanted to hide away inside, not let anyone in too deep. I felt something wrong before it ever happened. I wanted to protect the people around me from what was inside. I was convinced that I would just hurt them. I felt like it was all my fault.
   But something intervened. Maybe it was because before then I'd started sharing secrets and even this one couldn't remain hidden for long. I don't know, but something made me tell Nora, Violet, and Abigail about my depression and social anxiety. True, it was all spread apart, but eventually, I trusted each to know. They were the first to know about this blog.
   They didn't let me sink back. In fact, they pulled me out. I started talking more, becoming more social. I've made friends that I can trust here, seeing the signs in them that I saw in my old friends. A few new friends I'm wary of, but that's maybe because I still see Carmen in people, too. I'm still trying to figure that out.

   Part of me is still scared to death. I've won several battles, but I don't know if I've won the war. But I can't afford to loose. There are others, others like me that I need to be there for. That's what's kept me here, I know it.
   I am here to help others like me. I'm here to bring hope for others when I know I had none.

   You can't give up. Someday someone is going to look you in the eye, shake your hand, and say "You're the reason I didn't give up."

   I want to be there for that day. What about you?

-Kayla