So, have you ever dreaded a phone call? Like, something from the doctor that you fear is serious, or a missed call from your mom, or a break-up call, or something like that?
Each of those is usually something not as bad as we think. Other times it is or worse. But most of the time, you know it's coming. You have a range of days or hours when you know you'll get the phone call and can prepare for it.
The worst phone calls you can wait for are the ones without that time range.
I have two relatives, each with cancer, and both very much in the older range. They've outlived the cancer for longer than the doctors said they would. But now that I'm here, I'm terrified.
I'm in a place farther from my comfort zone, far from home. It's not like when we get a phone call about them I can just go to my room and cope. I mean, sure I love it here and I'm comfortable. But it's not the same as having somewhere to ground myself, somewhere I can anchor onto when my whole world crashes down.
Relatives passing is nothing new to me. I experienced grief for the first time when I was very young. But I've always been home. Or I've always been able to go there not long after getting the news. Now I can't.
I do know that I'll be okay with that though. I've been grieving for Jade a lot here and it's helped me in a way to feel safer here. I have new friends who help and an environment that feels like home away from home.
But I'm scared of losing them while I'm gone maybe because, well, I won't be able to say goodbye. Probability points out that I won't be able to leave if they're in the hospital again or if there's a funeral.
I've seen them both in the last few months, which was great. Still, all the 'what if's are terrifying.
I won't tell you what those are, but I'm sure you can fill in the blanks. If it does happen while I'm here and I do manage to cope with it, I'll share how I have or am here. Maybe my experiences will help someone else. :)
-Kayla
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