Little Lost

   Hey, everyone. Tomorrow and the day after that may be a bit shaky with posts. It's going to be busy, so they might be late, or early, or slightly out of context (the last one being if I can figure out this "scheduling" thing for posts). Just thought I'd let you know.

   Anyway, Carmen's been on my mind again, but only for the past ten minutes or so. I was listening to some Christian music on my iPod and I picked on my Matthew West playlist to follow my thought process. After a while, I lost my intended train of thought and ended up just listening to the music, the lyrics.
   I only own one CD of his: Into The Light. I got it mostly for the two songs "Hello, My Name Is..." and "Do Something". Still that one song, "Forgiveness", between those two on the track listing strikes a strong cord in me. Before, it reminded me of trying to understand and forgive the three former best friends of mine for dumping me right before and during a new chapter of our lives. Now, well, you can guess who I think about now.
   Something was different today, though. Maybe it was my thought process beforehand (just a story that I'll probably never write down). Maybe it was all the things I've previously been posting about forgiveness. Somehow that GMW: Girl Meets Forgiveness episode and Good Will Hunting popped up in my head.

   Before even those things came into my life, I'd heard mentioned that the only way to forgive another and to also find peace in yourself, is to forgive yourself. It all seemed so clear a few days ago. But, something happened. I don't think it was the fact that I saw Carmen for the first time again. No, or maybe? Still, now I wonder.
   I know there's something somewhere in me, that I need to forgive myself about. To me, I have a lot of flaws. But I know that there are things others see about me, others remember about me, that I never really thought about or thought that no one cared to notice or even noticed, that replace those flaws.
   Yearbooks are my favorite examples. Friends, classmates, teachers, and so many others all notice or remember events that make you shine that you may have not remembered yourself. I love reading though past and recent years for those things. They beat back those voices in my head. Some years, there are few signatures and messages, but I definitely gained more as years went on. And they grew even more meaningful as well.

   I don't know what I need to have peace now. I don't know if it's making peace with Carmen, with myself, or something else. I don't even really know how to do any of those things yet. I'll find a way, eventually. I know it will come, sooner or later.
   Now, my favorite song on that CD is none of the ones I mentioned so far. It's actually the one called Moved By Mercy. Half the time, it describes my life perfectly. Maybe in another post I'll analyze it like I did with Let It Go a few weeks back. For now, enjoy the song. Disclaimer: I don't own the copy-write and all that fun stuff. :)

-Kayla