"Everything Happens For A Reason"?

   Hey, everyone. Sorry I haven't done anything in several days. I went to my friend's mom's calling hours and funeral. I cried a lot at home after I found out, but not during either of those two events. Not entirely sure why.

   There was one thing I saw though. On Facebook, someone had shared with my friend (or her whole family, don't completely remember) a link saying something in the headline along the lines of: "Please Stop Saying Everything Happens for a Reason", though it did have God mentioned there as well, which is why I know I haven't remembered the proper title.
   I didn't click on it. Not sure if I wanted to. Not then anyway. But for the sake of this post, I now have found and read a similar post. Here's the link to that:
http://www.robshep.com/2014/05/27/please-stop-saying-everything-happens-for-a-reason/
   At first, I was kind of confused. Then kind of hurt. But it all makes sense, especially if it's read all through to the end. Especially then.

   Here's my take on "Everything Happens for a Reason"

   Sometimes, things hurt. Someone close to you dies. You loose a chance to do something amazing. There are accidents. People betray you, hurt you, leave you for nothing. Things just hurt and get worse. You'll cry and you'll scream but nothing gets better, no matter how hard you try.
   I've been hurt. Physically sometimes when I was younger, typically sibling squabbles. I've never really been one to fight back with my hands. Can't stand hurting someone else. Emotionally, oh, so much. I've been let down by so many people. Only a handful haven't left me. And even they have hurt me a little, intentional or not.
   I remember everything. I don't have a great memory, not when it comes to birthdays, anniversaries, homework, deadlines. I'm horrible with stuff like that. But I remember every feeling, every face that meant something to me, even just for some minutes. Names, no. Faces, people, feelings. All that is in me.

   I remember the good. I remember the bad. I remember everyone I've lost. Everything that's ever been taken away from me. And all that chose to stay behind.
   I cried so much this past year. Every night for weeks, months on end, as soon as the lights went out, I'd cry. I'd remember everything. Every word, every memory charged by some emotion. It sat on my chest until sometimes I had trouble breathing, physically.
   I prayed. Every night. Most of the time I asked if God could just send someone to stay. Proof that someone was still my friend. Sometimes I just asked if the weight could be lifted, just enough so I could sleep. I was so, so tired.
   Only once did I think about all of it ending. I sort of faked being sick so I could stay home. I just thought "If I died now, no one would notice." Somehow I snapped out of it. Not an immediate mood change, but gradual that day. After, I started really thinking about starting this blog. Some weeks later, I did.

   I've read stories about people getting better from depression. A girl who's in a kitchen, humming a Disney song and hearing her mom speak to her grandmother in the other room, tearfully saying "She's singing again." A woman who now has kids and listens to her husband tell them bedtime stories in silly voices. Stories of hope and healing. Not fiction or fantasy. Real life.
   I'm not healed. Not completely. Sure, I'm not as down as I've been for the past twelve months. I don't know if there'll be a sign, something to show that I'm getting better.
   Or maybe there has been. Others who I think barely notice me have made comments. I've been talking more. I'm more noticed. I'm not invisible anymore.

   I think everything happens for a reason is in a sense that you can't know what's good unless you've had the bad. You don't know healing unless there's been pain. You don't know just how true a friend can be until another betrays you.
   I'm not one for competition, not really. I don't like to compare myself to others. Pain is pain. Joy is joy. I'm happy for others achievements, whether or not they surpass my own. I try to help others in pain, whether or not they are hurt more or less than myself.
   It matters more to me that others find peace even before I do. Because no one should hurt that much.

   But sometimes you have to cry. Sometimes you have to let in the hurt. How else do you know you have healed?

   I love this song. I have for the past, oh, five years or so. Maybe a year after I lost Jade. Reminds me of her. My old and current friends as well. Don't own the copyright, and all that.

-Kayla