Loner

   Hey, everyone. Sorry again about the posting. Yesterday was just plain painful (wisdom teeth are not wise in the slightest) and the day before, well, a ten-minute-intended nap turned into sleeping for several hours. Surprisingly, I still fell asleep for the night, 'cept for some nightmares.
   Anyway, this is some deep thinking I had last night. Since today's kinda busy, I'm using that idea to kinda cheat my way back into posting every day.

   I'm more of a loner than a social girl. No question about it. Do I like being lonely, though? No way. I love being invited over to friend's houses and spending time with them. It drains me sometimes, but I'd rather be doing that than doing nothing alone.
   Still, though, I feel like I've always been the odd-ball out. Not like the "class clown" or the bullied kid, though I've had my fair share of the silent treatment and mean comments whispered about behind me (though I only suspect rather than know for sure that they didn't become full-on rumors), along with weird looks when I'd try to join in something. Not the intrigued looks, like "Wow, you're interested in this? Cool!" More like "Um, what are you doing? Why are you even talking?"
   I ignore most of it. Always have. I remember a good deal of it, though. Heading all the way back to maybe 4 or even 3 years old. Even my teachers thought I was odd. Honestly, even now I don't know why they got so upset over something I didn't think was wrong. I mean, why can't a kid have their toy during nap-time if it helps them sleep?
   Getting it from my peers I think grated on me more. I could always reason out why the teachers did and said. Not really from the ones my age, or around my age. Like, what does anyone gain from purposely isolating someone, or dismissing someone for being themselves? Maybe that's the same thing. Either way, I just don't get it.

   Despite feeling left out of the social loop most of the time, I still managed to gain some amazing friends. Not all stayed for long. I think I've said this before. Some moved, to different houses and/or schools. Some just left me to go make new friends. The three I keep thanking on this blog are the friend's I've managed to have for the longest time period. And even that wasn't constant.
   Sometimes I feel I did what I hated my old "friends" for most. I used to hang out with Nora and Carmen a lot, even neglecting Violet for the longest time, not even meaning to. I didn't even realize that it was more than my usual until we started having long conversations after Carmen left. And, then there's Abigail, whom I've really just gotten to know more around when the whole social anxiety realization came about. Compared to my life span now, the amount of time that I've been friends with these three is small. Probably smaller than most friendships people have.

   I'm never afraid of making friends. I'm good at it, especially as the years have gone on. Made some connections between myself and others that stick enough to have a decent email flow.
   Keeping friends has always been an "if" to me. What if? What if? I like to make sure that they have their own freedom. Sure, I'll get a little jealous if they start talking about some other close friend, sharing fun experiences and deep thoughts. But I'll let it go. I like seeing and hearing the enjoyment emanating from them. That's definitely more important to me.

   I'm not perfect in friendships. Never really want to be. My flaws are as much a part of me as my friends and anyone I look up to have their own. It's what I like best about people. Shows they're human.
   But I'll always try to be loyal, show my friends in their best light (especially to themselves), listen when I need to, give advice if asked, and just be there for them.
   I hope that through what I've learned with my friends it'll help me keep my new ones. Not sure who those new ones are yet, but they're out there.

   And, when the time comes, we'll be ready.

-Kayla