Bad spells seriously stink. I had another last night, managing to get angry at my friends. Honestly, the thought of leaving so soon is probably the problem. Just thinking of missing them, not seeing or being able to contact them for a long time in the future scares me so much.
After we leave, it's going to be hard. I owe so much to them for the short time I've known about my depression and social anxiety. Leaving them so soon, especially when I'm finally really getting better, I'm afraid of getting worse again.
Which is probably why I snapped. None of them were answering my messages and in my mad state, I didn't care if they were busy, I just got mad. I just wrote a short message, as at that point even my thoughts had gone to nothing. After I'd turned everything off, I wanted to say sorry, but waited till the morning, as I was still in the bad spell.
I'm not sure how many of you become angry at close friends or family when in a state such as that. But honestly, if you feel right to do so, I'd suggest saying sorry, especially if you mean it. They'll most likely forgive you. For me, that forgiveness reminds me however times I may screw up, I've still got them. And that has always meant the most to me.
Remember who you trust. Remember who cares about you when you stop remembering how to care yourself. And remember who you are. Remember your core self.
Doing all that is hard. Especially when you have to find who's safe to trust first. That took months for me and then getting stabbed in the back to know who wasn't holding the knife. In the end, it's totally worth it.
Yeah, it's going to be difficult leaving my friends. When this whole mess started, I had a basis to draw from, people I knew relatively well already around me. Now I have to start again, in a group of practical strangers.
I think it'll be okay. I mean, who knows? Maybe there'll be others like me in the same place. Maybe He'll guide me so I can help others, bring me to knew friends similar to the ones I have. Not to replace. No, never that. Just making the circle bigger.
Keep an eye out, dear readers. You never know just how many other warriors need a hand out in this world.
-Kayla
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