Being

   Hey, everyone.

   Sometimes, being yourself is hard. After a while, you become someone people expect of you. You change a little bit, and those closest to you gawk, wondering why. So you go back to "normal" around them. It's not easy to change.

  Which is why I like the opportunity to be in a new place. I don't have to be that same girl anymore. Quiet, scared, alone.
   The thing is, when no one else is around, I'm like that again. It's not easy. I still have depression, I still have social anxiety. Making new friends is great, it's just... Well, it's the same questions I've had before. Who'll stay? Who'll go? Will it be my fault, or a choice of theirs?

   Sometimes I wish I could just run. Maybe not away, because I don't want to leave my mess for others to clean up. I just want to run, to fly, just for one minute, just to feel free.

   Which is why:
   I write-     To discover more of who I am.
   I sing-       To feel my strength come through me.
   I talk-        To help others and myself.
   I believe-  To have hope when there is none.
   I am me.

   Song of the month will go for the last few days of this month and December. I'm surprised I didn't change it when I posted a few weeks ago.
   Credits go to the writers/singer/everyone else who went into this song:

-Kayla

Not Defined

   Hey, everyone. I now see why my favorite bloggers don't post every day. It's not because they don't care. Life just gets in the way.
   Which is why I'm going to try coming back.

   Recently, I've been having a hard time again. I love helping other people, but sometimes it's hard when you don't know what to do or say because you don't have any experience to help yet. Definitely going to try, though.

   But that's not what today's post is for. Today I've been thinking about Labels. I mean, I've talked about them before in previous posts, I believe.
   I haven't thought it before, but having Depression and Anxiety can be turned into labels. Personally, I haven't experienced that. Which is the only reason why I haven't really brought that up.
   It shouldn't define you, these labels. If people tell you how you should feel, I know it's not easy to ignore them, but unless they've been though something similar, they don't know what you're going through. They are not you. Don't let them tell you who you are.

   I'm not perfect, and I own that. I'm going to find someone who accepts me for who I am, like my friends now do. Someone who knows my flaws, but doesn't judge or try to fix them for me. Someone who just stands by my side, doesn't leave when things get hard, and lets me fight my own demons. Because the only way I can get rid of it is to do it myself. Yes, I need the help of others, my friends mostly. But it's still my war.
   It's never easy. And don't let anyone tell you "If you just did this..." or "Why don't you just stop doing this?" Because it's complicated. You know that. I know that. It takes time and hard work. Like battle strategy, sometimes quite literally.

   We're not defined by our "labels." They're a part of who we are, but they are not the summary of our existence.
   I'm adding some quotes here. All credits go to those whom the quotes belong.

-Kayla

I'm Back!

   Hey, guys. I'm so sorry for the month long absence. Times have been rough. Nothing really bad has happened, though I did have a breakdown, which my new friends were able to help with. Speaking of which, I've got something to ask.

   Now, I made this blog to help others like me. Others with depression and social anxiety. Anyone and everyone seeking words of comfort or support. Sadly, in recent months, I've been lacking in my promise to be here. I finally actually fulfilled my promise just this week to look for counseling.
   But I don't know how ready I am to come back here. It's been hard. And I need advice on what I think is a really stupid matter, at least to me it is.

   Remember those posts about liking some guy? Well, I thought I didn't like him anymore, but I still do, apparently. Being tired these past few days sort of revealed my subconscious feelings to my conscious mind again.
   I trust him, as much as my friends who I had to separate from some months ago. He's got those red flags, of course, but I'm also watching him grow up as these weeks go by. I found out that I'm falling for his potential self rather than his actual self, which stayed my feelings for a while. But, as I said, they're back.
   The only problem is that he likes someone else. Well, that's not the only problem, but it's a main one. I know nothing will ever come of my feelings for him. And I want to stop letting my feelings for him occasionally run my mood for the day, which has luckily only happened maybe three times in a little more than three months.

   Part of me wants to tell him. I mean, I've confided so much already and this secret is tearing me apart. How can I tell myself I fully trust my friend when I can't even tell him this?
   If I do tell him, it probably would be awkward for a while, but it seems like when he's talking with me, he's kinder than what most see. I know only a few others have seen it as well. He might just help me to get over him.

   But you're probably wondering why I'm blabbing on about some guy I met some months ago. The truth is, I need some advice.
   If you know anyone or can think of anything yourself, please comment or anonymously email me using the side form (found in the website, not mobile, version).
   He's growing to become one of my best friends. And I don't want to jeopardize that with some stupid crush. Please, help.

-Kayla

A Child

   Hey, everyone.

   So, before getting into what I want to talk today, I'm not sure about something. I don't want a boyfriend. Frankly, I'm not sure if I'd even have time for one, judging on how much I procrastinate and need to get things done. But, at the same time, I... kind of... do. Want a boyfriend, that is.
   Someday. I know someday I'll have a boyfriend and get married. I want a love like Amy and Rory's. Annabeth and Percy's. Bones and Booth's. Someday. I can wait. :)

   To the topic for today, I've been thinking about age again. I made a post, back when I was first starting here on this topic. Sort of. It was about gullibility and such. Some have been commenting that I'm such a child recently, so I've been thinking it over and came to a conclusion.
   I purposely act younger than I really am. The way I dress, sometimes make myself hyper, still have my stuffed animals. All of that is on purpose.
   I never wanted to grow up. I didn't want to get hurt, didn't want to go through what life had to throw at me. But I did. I still am. Stuff is still hard sometimes. I've been lying awake some nights, imagining Carmen coming here, ruining one of the few places I've never seen her. In my mind, I'm still angry as much as I was before. Even though I was civil at our last meeting, I don't know if that was just because other people that knew me were there. Now I'm some place new... Well, I'm not sure how I'd react.
   Still, I didn't want to be like this. I didn't want to be hurt, to be sad, to be betrayed. But there are other people in this world who don't think about that when they act as they do. Even I have slipped up sometimes.

   The reason I act or dress the way that I do is because even though I went through all this stuff, even though it still hurts like heck, I keep my childishness as much as I can. In my eyes, I can barely see it now. But it keeps up the illusion to other people.
   Well, sort of. To the others like me, or the ones I let in, they can see behind my mask. They can see the hurt, the things I don't want the world to.
   When they do, it's just a matter of waiting. Who will stay? Some only stay for the good days, like Carmen. They don't like the bad days, tend to act the harshest then. The ones who I feel matter more are the ones who stay, even after I get angry or cry. My best friends. Maybe some new as well.

   Those who accept me for who I am, flaws and all, are the ones who I'll fight for as much as I fight myself.
   I might act and look younger than I am, but that's where people underestimate me. :)

   Another song seems to be in order. I don't own the rights, all that blah blah. This one is just instrumental, the trailer music to Pan. I can't stop listening to it lately. It's just so powerful and beautiful. I hope you like it as much as I do.

-Kayla

Stay

   Hey, everyone.

   Days are long and sometimes hard. I still have times when a single thought can ruin my whole day. Or I think it does. Sometimes I can snap out of it. Those times are getting easier and easier to leave behind, but... I still cry when the lights go out now and then.
   The main reason I cry now is because I miss my friends so much. I mean, my new ones are great, fantastic. Some I know I'll grow very close to like I did my other ones.
   I just miss making memories. I miss being able to turn around and smile at a shared joke that no one knows but a few. They were, are, my family. Sometimes it's as if a part of me left with them.

   Maybe that's why I get so effected by the friendships that were ended so harshly. I put myself in friendships. Just when I start to open up, I get shut down.
   That's why I stayed a loner when I was younger. That's why I didn't talk to anyone, didn't try to make any really close friends. I got disappointed in the end anyway, so what was the point?
   Kicker is, I still don't want to care about how it effected me. I still care about everyone else. My friends, even someone who did the act of stabbing me in the back. I want to know why. What made them want to hurt me like that? Were they so hurt inside that they had to take it out on me? Was that all I was to them? Not really someone to share feelings or secrets with? Just an outlet?

  Over the years, I've admitted to myself that I have been deeply effected by these broken bonds. No one forgets broken trust easily, never. I'll never forget those words, never forget the feeling of having my insides torn out.

   I wanted to become a loner again. Before Carmen betrayed me, I wanted to lock myself up again. I wanted to hide away inside, not let anyone in too deep. I felt something wrong before it ever happened. I wanted to protect the people around me from what was inside. I was convinced that I would just hurt them. I felt like it was all my fault.
   But something intervened. Maybe it was because before then I'd started sharing secrets and even this one couldn't remain hidden for long. I don't know, but something made me tell Nora, Violet, and Abigail about my depression and social anxiety. True, it was all spread apart, but eventually, I trusted each to know. They were the first to know about this blog.
   They didn't let me sink back. In fact, they pulled me out. I started talking more, becoming more social. I've made friends that I can trust here, seeing the signs in them that I saw in my old friends. A few new friends I'm wary of, but that's maybe because I still see Carmen in people, too. I'm still trying to figure that out.

   Part of me is still scared to death. I've won several battles, but I don't know if I've won the war. But I can't afford to loose. There are others, others like me that I need to be there for. That's what's kept me here, I know it.
   I am here to help others like me. I'm here to bring hope for others when I know I had none.

   You can't give up. Someday someone is going to look you in the eye, shake your hand, and say "You're the reason I didn't give up."

   I want to be there for that day. What about you?

-Kayla

Heavy

   Hey everyone.

   Do you ever just have those days where you feel like a weight is on your shoulders? Where you walk around and even if you're fine, it's a good day, but it's just there in the back of your mind? I've had those days a few times recently.
   I've been getting a lot better. Really, it's great. I'm making new friends, getting past some of my fears, being myself without worrying about what anyone thinks.

   I had nearly went back again recently, though. I made a stupid mistake. It probably wouldn't make much sense to anyone why I'm so connected to a computer. But through my inattentiveness, it's now broken, probably without repair.
   Several things went through my head when it happened. "What do I do?" was the first. Next "How do I know how my relatives are doing?" Before "Jade."
   Funny thing is I didn't even think about my friends back home for a while. Not sure why, exactly, but they were one of the last things I thought of, even after Jade came in my mind. I still have yet to tell Jade's full story here, but it did involve my not paying attention before the events leading to her passing.

   That mistake was the ending of bad luck that had happened for the few days before then. I was retreating back into myself again. Something I'd swore to myself never to do again. True, it was more similar to this summer in depth, but after getting into a better state, I don't want to go back.
   I know it's not guaranteed to have a perfect record. Heck, it's not even expected that you should.

   All I want is just to know I've made headway. And I have. The pure fact that I'm more upbeat at the end of this week compared to the horrible start is something to be counted for.
   I go for the little victories. Those add up to winning the war. :)

   I'll be changing the song of the month soon. Check out the archive, anyone who has yet to. See what this blog is about.

-Kayla

Scared

   Hey, everyone. Wow, already past 1,500 views and Forgiveness has had over 250 viewings. Just shows how important it is, huh? :)

   So, have you ever dreaded a phone call? Like, something from the doctor that you fear is serious, or a missed call from your mom, or a break-up call, or something like that?

   Each of those is usually something not as bad as we think. Other times it is or worse. But most of the time, you know it's coming. You have a range of days or hours when you know you'll get the phone call and can prepare for it.

   The worst phone calls you can wait for are the ones without that time range.

   I have two relatives, each with cancer, and both very much in the older range. They've outlived the cancer for longer than the doctors said they would. But now that I'm here, I'm terrified.

   I'm in a place farther from my comfort zone, far from home. It's not like when we get a phone call about them I can just go to my room and cope. I mean, sure I love it here and I'm comfortable. But it's not the same as having somewhere to ground myself, somewhere I can anchor onto when my whole world crashes down.

   Relatives passing is nothing new to me. I experienced grief for the first time when I was very young. But I've always been home. Or I've always been able to go there not long after getting the news. Now I can't.

   I do know that I'll be okay with that though. I've been grieving for Jade a lot here and it's helped me in a way to feel safer here. I have new friends who help and an environment that feels like home away from home.

   But I'm scared of losing them while I'm gone maybe because, well, I won't be able to say goodbye. Probability points out that I won't be able to leave if they're in the hospital again or if there's a funeral.

   I've seen them both in the last few months, which was great. Still, all the 'what if's are terrifying.

   I won't tell you what those are, but I'm sure you can fill in the blanks. If it does happen while I'm here and I do manage to cope with it, I'll share how I have or am here. Maybe my experiences will help someone else. :)

-Kayla

Big Heart

   Hey everyone! It's still amazing for me to see just how many people are reading my blog now. It warms my heart. :)

   So, new stuff going on. I've been keeping busy, though not so busy that I'm totally stressed out. Which is probably a good thing, as my old friends seem to be struggling. It's hard being away from them. But as much as I hate being away from them, well... To admit, I kind of like being apart from them.

   Here, at this new place, I can start over. I can use what I learned by being around my old friends and my same moral principles I've had all my life to make a better start. No one knows me here. They don't know that I used to be the odd one out, the shy kid, the shunned one. Except for one of my new friends, no one knows of my hardships from the past year. And she understands enough to just listen and even relate with me at some parts.
   Remember that guy I've talked about sometimes? Well, my old friends don't like him anymore. One was guarded before, while another was starting to. Actually, I haven't spoken to Abigail about some new stuff that's happened, but yesterday talking with Nora and Violet was strained. Both seemed to immediately hate him after he appeared to be acting like a jerk. I honestly couldn't see it, nor could my new friend. Sure, some stuff was just stupid, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been. And, from experience with old groups of friends even before my three closest, I know it wasn't bad.
   Still, even with the apology he gave me after, Violet and Nora are still worried about me. I was able to logically talk with Violet, though not with Nora yet. Anyway, Violet and I agreed that I am okay enough to look after myself. I've got enough common sense not to get too involved with him.

   If he did ask me out in any resent time, like next week or something, I would turn him down. But not because my old friends didn't like him or anything like that. I'd ask if he'd asked the other girl's permission first (my other friend, who still doesn't know I like him) because they'd had mutual feelings toward each other, though he was a bit more pushy. I wouldn't date him until she'd said both to me and to him that it was okay.
   But even if he had and in recent future, I would still say no. And here's the reason why: Neither of us are ready yet.
   I've never been on a date. Never had a guy really show interest in me other than what my friends insist on (which I seriously doubt is a real crush on me). But I want to learn more about who I am first. I know my boundaries, so if everyone could stop reminding me to look out after that, that'd be awesome. What I'd rather know is what I should look for in a guy who is truly and selflessly into me. Someone who I know God has planned out for me. I'm willing to wait for that though.

   Now, him? Well, he's complicated. When I first met him in person, I dismissed everything I thought I knew about him. Wait, maybe that doesn't make much sense.
   Let's go back to when I met Carmen. I make instinctual decisions about people. I look at them, glance, full-on, whatever. Whatever gut feeling I get, I follow. Carmen's was the big, flashing, Stay Away. I didn't and I know where it got me.
   Back to him. I'd met him online and my friend was convincing me that he and I had crushes on each other. I kept telling her 'just friends' and guess who was right? This girl! So even over the internet, I could tell. I knew I was going to meet him in person, which made me nervous because he was the only one I'd really talked to so far that I could maybe have as a friend. Then when I first heard him, I got all jittery, not because of a crush, but because I'd been so nervous all day about coming and then meeting people, that finally relaxing made me shaky. Looking at him was different.
   I've been thinking it over since last night. I remember even the Carmen thing taking a few days to figure out because I couldn't identify just what the big negative feeling was. Remembering back to when I first saw him, one word popped into my head:
   Lost.

   He feels lost to me. He acts all confident around his new friends when I see him from afar. He jokes with me online and talks with me occasionally in person during the week. He's a bit hotheaded and stubborn, from stories I've heard and aren't hard to imagine.
   But I've seen his guard come down a few times. Sometimes for a second or even as long as a minute. He's just lost.
   My new friend that I trust, the one who knows I like him, said that he needs to grow up and 'date himself' for a while before getting back into a new relationship. And I agree, He should.

   For now, I'm going to remain his friend. He's a mix between crush and brother to me. Which one will win out? I don't care. I know God has someone planned out for me and I know they'll be the right one, whomever they may be and whenever they appear in my life.
   I can wait. But while I wait, I'm going to help others and be a friend. Because I have a big heart.
   Do I trust too easily? No. None of my new friends know about my blog and only one knows about my mental problems. I'm still very guarded, though open about being myself.
   But I care a lot. I want to help others as others have helped me. I know when to step back and I know when to stretch out a hand.
   Even if it goes against my old friends' best interests, I know what is right. I go by instinct, because when I don't even to follow the suggestions and advice by the ones who love me most, I end up getting hurt, sometimes even others as well.

   I'm not making another Carmen mistake again. I'm going to make a difference in this world, starting with inside myself.

-Kayla

Thinking Through Things

   Hey everyone! Wow, it was stunning how many of you have been reading. I mean, when I have big drops in posting and I'm absent for a while, I'm lucky to maybe get one or two page views. Imagine my surprise when I saw numbers in the twenties for the past weeks.

   One post has gotten special attention, I saw. Forgiveness. I remember writing that, very well. And, honestly, it's still hard for me to accept. I've forgiven Carmen, but now fear has replaced the anger. I've made several new advances in being more confident and more myself than I could ever be in my new environment.
   But I'm afraid of bad luck coming in and hurting it, corrupting something that I'm finally enjoying a whole lot. Like when my slowly developing trust in friendships was destroyed by Carmen. And, as silly as it sounds, I'm terrified it'll be by her again.
   No one can tell me it's a silly fear. I mean, many said that I'd never see Carmen again and not a few months later I saw her twice!
   I've forgiven her. But I'm still afraid of something going wrong again.

   My luck has always been a bit skewed. I've been having mixed luck here. Made new friends and I'm having amazing experiences. Bad luck may be getting a cold at the most inconvenient time and not knowing if I'm really falling for this one guy. Same guy I mentioned in the other post, though there was a brief new boy in between. Still, after my second potential crush turned more into a guy I may see as a brother, I think I may have fallen harder for my first crush here. I'm not even going to deny it now and just call it that.
   If anything happens, it'll happen. God works in mysterious ways. And from experience, it's way worth it to wait.

   I've been grieving for Jade again. Being here makes me miss my friends, wishing they could be a part of all this new and fun stuff I'm doing. Jade most of all. She's still being my furry little guardian angel here. I've felt her with me more than once. I think she misses me as much as I miss her.

   I'll try to post again soon. Thank you all for understanding my craziness and for reading! Make a difference in someone's life as I hope I'm doing for all of you.

-Kayla

New Days and Feelings

   Hey, everyone. Judging on how hectic things have gotten and my lack of opportunities to post, I may be posting primarily on the weekends now with maybe posts in the middle of the week. I love writing here and need some set schedule if I'm going to meet my deadlines and goals. So far, though, my making new friends and achieving new things is so spastic on a given day I can't find a time to actually sit down and write these posts! Trust me, I'm trying!

   Anyway, so I'm guessing this'll be long, which hopefully makes up for things. Least a little. :)

   In my last post, I talked about a new crush I had. Well, kind of. My feelings are kind of mixed in his case. I'm waiting it out, seeing what happens before anything else.
   Since it felt so conflicted and a bit complicated, I turned to my old friends for advice. As always, I love to hear from them, advice or no. And I got mixed input back. A great deal of it made sense, already re-iterating everything I'd already decided and figured out for myself. Just a little bit made me pause. This topic always has caused several questions to rise in my mind (so, Violet, if you read this, I'm just typing this mostly to figure it out in my own head).

   So, I was told "Feelings are nice, but they're just feelings." And that's always confused me. When you love someone, like your family, isn't that a feeling? Not to say I love this boy! I really have no idea how I feel about him other than as a good friend at this point.
   Still though, anyone ever saying that phrase has confused me. Like, is it using logic apposed to feelings? I mean, I can keep a straight head. Even if I've got a close friend, I've barely ever been blind to anyone's faults. There have been one or two mess ups, but that's usually after I've decided to ignore it. And ever since the whole Carmen deal, I doubt anything's going to happen like that again. Even with Carmen, I still was aware of something off, even if no one would tell me what it was.

   See, to me, my 'feelings' are my instincts. If it doesn't feel right to me, best thing for me to do is to stay away. Got that feeling when I first met Carmen. Ignored it and got a whole big mess later. If it feels as if I can trust someone or like they'd be a good friend, I go to that person. Violet and a few other close friends had that feeling attached, which has been some of the best decision making I've ever done.
   I don't think I was predisposed to liking this boy just by talking to him on the internet before meeting him first (new place had a FB group to go with everyone coming in). I mean, one of my new friends I'd also met there and thought, "Yeah, she's alright.", kind of indifferent, thinking we might be acquaintances and not friends completely. Meet her in person and she's already as close to me as some of my old friends. I saw immediately what he was like and what could be questionable. That's why I'm still standing back to see what happens.

   What bothers me about this situation is that this boy is one of those "wild cards". I don't mean unpredictable or anything in the normal sense. My definition of a "wild card" for a person is that I simply don't know what to think of them. No gut feeling, no looking and maybe figuring something out about them. I don't really encounter that much.
   I'm not saying I pre-judge people. Perhaps occasionally I inadvertently do so, but it's like this thing I read: "The first thought that goes through your mind is what you have been conditioned to think, what you think next defines who you are."
   I always wait for the next thought. The next thought is usually my gut instinct. It's typically not something mean, which I'm grateful for. If it's the stay away side, it's usually a natural avoidance thing that kicks in.

   Still, I'm waiting. I'm not sure what will happen, but if God has a plan, then it'll fall where it may. I don't know what will happen, but I can wait. I mean, I've made it this far without having or really wanting a love life. I'm perfectly fine waiting some more. :D
   (Though, if anyone's welcome to maybe give advice via anonymous email form on the left column, that'd be great in this "what's going on?" period.)

   Now, new song of the month! I love this one, but I don't own it because to get this song, the CD has to be imported because for some reason, they don't have this track on any of the American version of the albums (which makes no sense because it's an American show). Don't judge! It's one of the few rare songs which doesn't have romance in it, which I find fantastic. Anyway, rights all go to BTR and enjoy the song!

-Kayla

Conflicted

   Hey everyone.

   Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. Super mega busy. I'll write something hopefully interesting here.

   In my new environment, there are a lot of new feelings to go with it. New friends, new people. I've been using my knowledge about myself to talk with others. So far it's worked, but honestly, sometimes I don't know how well it'll work later. It's not easy when you yourself are conflicted.
   See, I've got a crush on a guy, though it's not as big, at least to me, as before. It's different when your new friend sees a different side of him, which you start to see too. But you also see him falling for the friend, so when it goes awry you can see both sides and understand.

  What are you supposed to do when you have a crush on a boy, but you don't want to really tell your new friends that you think the guy of your dreams is the one who's crushing on one of them? And, to add on, he's been sort of friend zoned by the crush because he was just a little too pushy in the beginning state. And I'm friends with all parties! Help?

   I'm really glad that I haven't told any of my new friends about this blog yet, cause it would be awkward, at least, I think it would. But, they're the kind of people I feel I can trust, you know?
   What am I supposed to do?

-Kayla

Warning

   Hey, everyone. So, just like it's been this week so far, the next week and a half maybe will either have spotty posting or no posting. I've been really busy and I'm not even sure if I'll have much access to Wifi in the coming days. I'd attempt the scheduled posting again, but that messed up the sharing on G+ and my own thought process for a while.
   I'm very sorry, but things have been getting way better lately and I really want to get back to posting every day. You guys are awesome!

   For now, I have to leave you with another song. Don't own it and all that. See you when I finally have better timing! :)

-Kayla

Someday

   Hellooo, everyone! :)

   So, today, I'm mostly just relaxing, doing my best not to get too emotionally wound up. There were some close calls, but that was mostly easy to get past because it was something someone else tried to antagonize me into. Today was one of those days where I could just roll my eyes and ignore it.

   I was thinking last night about something, wondering whether or not to make a random midnight posting. I decided against that, telling myself that if it was important enough, I'd remember in the morning. I believed it would be, so I remembered. :)
   My main purpose in starting and continuing this blog consists of helping others like me with Depression and Social Anxiety (or any anxiety, if I somehow seep that in too). It's helped me as well, just by writing entries.
   Someday I hope this goes viral. Not like "I want to see how famous I can be for a short time." I want to make a lasting effect on people, help them in some way. Kind of in a way that someday, if I'm ever feeling down and a future friend or acquaintance will mention this blog to me in an effort to help, not knowing that I'm the writer behind it. That would be a wonderful feeling.
   For now, I'm just happy writing. Some have already thanked me or made comments one what a wonderful thing I am doing here. I love that I'm able to help others. :)

   I don't think I've had this song on the blog before, but it works well with the theme of the blog, at least what I mean to portray here. Enjoy! (Disclaimer: not mine, don't own it.) I think I'll try to put in in the sidebar, somehow. :)

-Kayla

First or Last

   Hey, everyone. I'm so sorry about not posting yesterday or the day before. I was finishing up the last bouts of a stomach bug and then time just escaping me when I just had so much to do. Seriously, don't hold off stuff to the last minute. Horrible idea.

   I was planning on writing a nice long post today, but I'm honestly not sure how long it'll be. My day's kinda been flopping around everywhere and the topic that I'm about to write about is something that's been bothering me for months. I still don't know the answer to it and most-likely won't until the issue has passed in a few weeks time.
   So, anyway, you know how in elementary school, they'll line you up in hopes to keep you in a nice straight order in hopes to get you to the next activity on time? Well, I always hated to be first in that line. Even if I knew what to do, I didn't like not being able to have at least one person ahead of me to help lead everyone else. Kind of strange, as I'm still like that in a large-ish group, but if it's just me or a few friends, I don't care. Back to the line, I hated being last as well. Until recently, I never really thought about why.
   I think both of those spots hold the same problem for me. Everyone's pushing me to do something. Either I'm being pushed to lead or pushed to keep up. And either spot is kind of lonely. No one ahead of you or everyone ahead of you.

   Sometimes I don't mind being first. Depending on what it is, I just want to get it over with. Last is tricky. Occasionally I like it because you can see what everyone else has done and now you're more confident in what you yourself will do. Right now, there's something coming up where I'm dreading being the last.
   More than anything, I wish my friends could be there. But seeing as they're the ones going ahead of me in this, they obviously can't be. Sometimes I don't mind. I can't wait to see how they'll do and I know that they'll probably be great. Somehow that confidence in myself wavers.
   I'm making some new friends, ones who seem just as obsessed as myself in common interests. Though, as I said in my last post, I'm great at making friends, but never really sure how long they'll stay.

   Somehow everything will work out in the end. Most of my nerves are already gone before I'm even close to taking the next huge step in my life. That's a really good sign.

   Song again! Don't own the rights, but I love this song. I think it's an original by the YouTuber who posted it. It's one of the happiest instrumental pieces I've ever heard. It brought my spirits up a lot last year after I stumbled across it. :D I think I'll start playing it more again.

-Kayla

Loner

   Hey, everyone. Sorry again about the posting. Yesterday was just plain painful (wisdom teeth are not wise in the slightest) and the day before, well, a ten-minute-intended nap turned into sleeping for several hours. Surprisingly, I still fell asleep for the night, 'cept for some nightmares.
   Anyway, this is some deep thinking I had last night. Since today's kinda busy, I'm using that idea to kinda cheat my way back into posting every day.

   I'm more of a loner than a social girl. No question about it. Do I like being lonely, though? No way. I love being invited over to friend's houses and spending time with them. It drains me sometimes, but I'd rather be doing that than doing nothing alone.
   Still, though, I feel like I've always been the odd-ball out. Not like the "class clown" or the bullied kid, though I've had my fair share of the silent treatment and mean comments whispered about behind me (though I only suspect rather than know for sure that they didn't become full-on rumors), along with weird looks when I'd try to join in something. Not the intrigued looks, like "Wow, you're interested in this? Cool!" More like "Um, what are you doing? Why are you even talking?"
   I ignore most of it. Always have. I remember a good deal of it, though. Heading all the way back to maybe 4 or even 3 years old. Even my teachers thought I was odd. Honestly, even now I don't know why they got so upset over something I didn't think was wrong. I mean, why can't a kid have their toy during nap-time if it helps them sleep?
   Getting it from my peers I think grated on me more. I could always reason out why the teachers did and said. Not really from the ones my age, or around my age. Like, what does anyone gain from purposely isolating someone, or dismissing someone for being themselves? Maybe that's the same thing. Either way, I just don't get it.

   Despite feeling left out of the social loop most of the time, I still managed to gain some amazing friends. Not all stayed for long. I think I've said this before. Some moved, to different houses and/or schools. Some just left me to go make new friends. The three I keep thanking on this blog are the friend's I've managed to have for the longest time period. And even that wasn't constant.
   Sometimes I feel I did what I hated my old "friends" for most. I used to hang out with Nora and Carmen a lot, even neglecting Violet for the longest time, not even meaning to. I didn't even realize that it was more than my usual until we started having long conversations after Carmen left. And, then there's Abigail, whom I've really just gotten to know more around when the whole social anxiety realization came about. Compared to my life span now, the amount of time that I've been friends with these three is small. Probably smaller than most friendships people have.

   I'm never afraid of making friends. I'm good at it, especially as the years have gone on. Made some connections between myself and others that stick enough to have a decent email flow.
   Keeping friends has always been an "if" to me. What if? What if? I like to make sure that they have their own freedom. Sure, I'll get a little jealous if they start talking about some other close friend, sharing fun experiences and deep thoughts. But I'll let it go. I like seeing and hearing the enjoyment emanating from them. That's definitely more important to me.

   I'm not perfect in friendships. Never really want to be. My flaws are as much a part of me as my friends and anyone I look up to have their own. It's what I like best about people. Shows they're human.
   But I'll always try to be loyal, show my friends in their best light (especially to themselves), listen when I need to, give advice if asked, and just be there for them.
   I hope that through what I've learned with my friends it'll help me keep my new ones. Not sure who those new ones are yet, but they're out there.

   And, when the time comes, we'll be ready.

-Kayla

Another Short Day

   Hey, everyone. Sorry about the no post yesterday and so late today.

   Had a bad moment today. Hid in the bathroom, calmed myself down before returning to social interaction. But other than that I've had a pretty good weekend. Olympics started up and I enjoyed seeing some of the fencing early this morning. :)

   Gonna have a clip today. Don't own the rights. Enjoy! One of my all time favorite movies and the best scene ever from it. :)

-Kayla

Short Day

   Hey, everyone.

   Just a song today. Don't own the rights. Enjoy! :D

-Kayla

When I Said

   Hey, everyone. Sorry about the silence of the past three days. First day my thoughts escaped me and the last two have been busy. This'll be short, but meaningful. And sorry it's passed the deadline, but a surprise event happened. :)

   Today, I found this picture. I've never seen it before, but I've seen stuff like it:

   After reading this, I remembered the day when I finally said "Enough!"

   Just a month ago, maybe more time now, I felt like this. I was just sick of everything. I'd wanted to end it months ago, but didn't because I always have something to hold onto, people always keeping me to reality. Even if they didn't know it till I told them, somehow my subconscious reminded me of them that day. The thought of ending had come into my mind, but I never reached for anything to aid that idea. Angels in heaven and the ones here on earth. I know in my gut that they were what stopped that second sub-thought.
   My friends know I cry, but they don't care. They've seen through my bad days. They know the person I am behind that confused anger and fear. They brought back my smile and courage. And even when I'm seeing them less and less as recent months go on, they still find ways to bring a smile to my face, probably not even knowing that's what they're doing.
   They don't judge me. They've always believed in me. And I can never ever thank them enough.

   And when they surprise you? Seriously, even though I figured part of it out, it was still awesome. :)

   Another song, don't own the rights. Enjoy. :D Be empowered!!!

-Kayla

Important: Friends

   Hey, everyone.

   Friends are important. I don't think I'll ever say that enough. Make friends with your family, you're closer to them. Make friends with others around you, you make close connections and maybe family with stronger ties than blood. Make friends with your spouse, a friend for life.
   I love the How To Train Your Dragon movies. Just love them. I have yet to get into the tv shows extending off the movies, but I'll get there at some point. Anyway, I'm always a big fan of music, as you've probably gathered and movie soundtracks are definitely a primary part of my listening list. The first one is maybe a bit more my favorite, since that's what drew me in. And one song in particular (maybe I've shared it here before), is what sealed the deal for me along with the scene it's in.
   This song from the movies reminds me of Jade the most. But as time has gone on, I'm reminded of finding my current friends, remembering the specific moment for each when I realized, "This, this is why you're my friend." So, it's special in connection to them as well.
   Don't own the rights, blah, blah, blah. This one's a shout out to my friends. Love you guys. :)

-Kayla

Look Inside

   Hey, everyone.

   There are many different things asking one to look inside. I really like that poem from the movie Brave, but that's a topic for another post. Here, I'm talking about the beauty inside us.

   So, there are many things in this society that influence us. We have to look the same, act the same, be the same in order to "fit in". But it doesn't work, does it? As far as I observe, it just makes people miserable. Girls have to wear make-up, be a certain size, act certain ways. Boys have to fit in with the other boys, go with the pack mentality, even push down any emotions.
   Seeing as I'm a girl, it's not really easy for me to see it from the guys' side. But, it is also hard for me to see on the side of the girls as well. Kind of.
   I'm not a normal girl. I don't always care about how I look or act around others. It doesn't mean that I don't care what others think about me though. And what I've always wanted to avoid has started happening. I'm starting to care about all that stuff, even getting tempted to change to stay with my friends. Maybe that's ridiculous, as I'm pretty sure that they'd rather stay myself. That's what they said they like best about me. :)
   Still, comments made over the years have started getting to me in spite of that. Looks and overheard conversations as well.
   But, I did notice something. I think I mentioned some weeks ago in some posts that I've recently received a scrapbook. Looking through it again this morning, I noticed in my younger pictures, I had one of the biggest smiles. Then, even just a few months after some of the pictures, others had little to smaller smiles. I could see my younger self slowly becoming less happy. Then in the years that started going by, I saw that old smile start to return.
   Each time that smile was present, I paid attention to how I looked and who I was with. When I dressed in clothing that I liked and thought was comfortable, that smile was bigger. Most of the time, they definitely wouldn't be in some fashion or popular magazine. And the smile always be with people that I loved to be around.

   I read recently this (I love Erin Hanson's poems):

   Great to keep in mind, don't you think?

-Kayla

Decide

   Hey, everyone.

   There was something I once read that I found again recently. I've placed it here to go along with today's post:

   I've been thinking a lot about this. Mostly it's been in context with Carmen or with something my family said. Sometimes I've actually said something along these lines and it's just been rebuffed back at me as if I'm the one doing the wrong.
   But it can go with anything really. I've been hurt, intentionally or not. By strangers, by family, by friends. I'm used to it by now. I've been hurt, even when I'm already hurting. I've been disappointed and now kind of expect it. Which brings back another picture I haven't seen in an even longer time than the last, re-found just now:

   I've been thinking about this all day now. It's up to me. I have to decide.
   Am I still hurt? Yes.
   Will it keep hurting? Every now and then, yeah.
   Will it get better? Of course, eventually.
   Am I ever going to give up? Never.

   It's up to me to decide whether or not I'm going to let this hurt control me. Yes, I can cry, I can fall. As long as I get back up again and dry my tears. I'm never going to let go, because there's so much to stay for.
   Sometimes I think I'm too clingy. Other times I think I'm not clingy enough. I always try my best though to do one thing: Let others make their own decisions.
   My friends are my friends and they hold a special place in my heart. But they have their own lives, other friends, other things to do. They can stay or go. That's their choice.
   My choice is to help when I can, always offering that hand of friendship. Even to friends who left like Carmen. I can be mad, but that should never get in the way of kindness.
   That is my choice. This is what I decide:

   How about you?

-Kayla

Late Posting

   Hey, everyone. Sorry this is late. I'm trying to stay on the everyday posting.

   I planned something nice and long, but that clearly hasn't happened. Got a bit distracted by some good, some bad, some medical, and some disappointing things. Here's another song. I'll try to do something extra long tomorrow. :) (Don't own the rights to the song and such.)

-Kayla

NOT Helpless

   Hey, everyone. It's been a long time again. I'm trying, I really am. Just been a bit sick. Lost motivation to even be on Pinterest two days ago. Happens.

   So, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately instead. I'm not normal. I've said that before. Several times I wonder what others think of me. I've been called Wise. Caring. True Friend. Getting ready to take on the world.
   I've also been called helpless. Asked repetitively if I had any of the symptoms of depression, before I even thought that of myself. Been told to be more social.
   Sad thing is, my friends are the ones who've told me more of the things in the first paragraph. The other comments came from my family and therapist (back when I had the latter).

   Maybe I shouldn't say "sad thing is". But it hurts. To me, family should be to encourage you, help you get through the tough stuff, even if they're just there for moral support. But more often than not, it's more criticism than support. I can barely even get through talking about my depression or social anxiety without one of three things happening: 1) It gets misinterpreted; 2) Dismissed after some consideration; 3) Dismissed entirely with no thought or complete misinterpretation.

   I was told recently that "helpless" comment. And the reasons for why are completely off base. They actually more fit the one who made the "conclusion" in the first place. One example: I, in their eyes, would give up on something as soon as it gave me trouble.
   No. I take a break, fully intending on coming back later, because it drives me nuts when I can't figure out what was done wrong. The catch is that I'm easily distracted and don't always remember. I hate people reminding me, because at this point, the ones doing the most reminding (aka my family) are doing it in such a way that makes it sound like I'm either 5 or stupid.

   I'm not helpless. If I was, I'd have given up a long time ago. If that "giving up when things got tough" comment was true, I'd ended everything a long time ago. Things are still hard. It's even harder when people around you make a comment that nearly diminishes everything you've always dreamed of doing. Always planned and hoped. That was one of my bad days last week.

   I'm stronger than maybe even I give myself credit for. But I hold out hope, you see. That's what keeps me going.
   Hope for a better world. Hope to have good friends. Hope for a better me.

-Kalya

Oops Again

   Hey, everyone! Sorry about the no posts again. Yesterday I just plain forgot and the day before was mega busy. Back now, but... No idea what to write. So another song! Seems to be my go-to. I like the beginning days of this tv show. As I've said before, I really don't like most of what's on tv nowadays, at least for young teens. Here's the song (don't own the copy-write and all that jazz). Just ignore the very end, cause it's obviously old news. :)

-Kayla

Hey

   Hey, everyone. Sorry about not posting yesterday. It was a bad late morning leading to an equally bad afternoon, which squashed my urge to post. Today, just an hour or so ago was even worse. But I knew I had to get on, even if it was just for a small post. Have to get back into posting every day. :)

   Anyway, here's a song. Don't own it, or the copy-write. If anyone knows the cd this is on, write in the title in the comments. Can't find this song anywhere except YouTube. Enjoy and see you tomorrow.

-Kayla

Um

   Hey, everyone!

   Not sure what to say today. Other than breaking 1,000 views, I've no idea what to write! So here's a song that I've been listening to for the past few days. Course, disclaimer and all that. No lyrics or video feed, just the same picture, but an amazing song.

-Kayla

Silence

   Hey, everyone.

   I'm making this one short. One thing I've learned from my own struggles, is that instead of just saying what you mean to be comforting words, just stay silent. Sometimes that's all that's needed. Just be there. Let them cry, let them scream, hug them if that's okay. Sometimes just letting them know that you're there is enough.
   Remember that.

-Kayla

Too "Young"

   Hey, everyone! Look, I'm getting better, only a day in between this post and the last. :)

   Yesterday was kind of off. I was thinking about Carmen again, for some reason having another imaginary confrontation. Someday that will go away. But it was the first one in weeks, so I think that's a good sign.

   Now, to my title. You know how adults are always saying that kids are "too young to understand" most things? Well, I don't look my age and even people who know my real age treat me as a child sometimes. It's normal for me to expect, nowadays.
   I understand in the instance where some teenagers or even older kids, around 10 and up, will act arrogant, thinking that they know everything. I know some adults like that too, so I don't really see a difference between the groups. But it's not the intelligence I'm talking about. It's the emotional stuff I'm talking about.
   Say, a family has gone through a divorce in the past and the kid is split between spending time with mostly one parent and little with the other, pretty much for all their life. Then, in that time period between childhood and adulthood, they hear adults talking, saying things like "you [teens, kids, etc.] don't know how tough it really is in the real world." Isn't that kind of sad?

   It's not easy being split apart. I remember when I was first betrayed by friends. It was painful, especially for my age and mentality. Then and now, I still believe in the good of others, no matter how deep inside. I blamed myself, because I'd thought I'd done something wrong.
   There was this teacher I had. Great guy. I looked up to him, even though he intimidated me greatly. He'd share with us some of the hardships he'd faced in life. And there were a lot. I won't share with you what they were, but it made him a great teacher.
   But it always bothered me how he'd talk about how we could never understand what it was like to reach rock-bottom. We couldn't understand the harshness of life because we'd never experienced it. And while I agreed, I also didn't.
   With this past year, I can understand more of what he meant. Some of me still thinks that my pain before was still real, even if it wasn't as big as Carmen's betrayal. Am I still old enough that it fits what he described? Pretty sure not by a long shot. But, even though I may or may not have hit rock bottom, I sure got pretty close. And I never want to go there again.

   Not a lot of things make me cry. It's really hard to get me to even tear up. A friend of mine were watching The Way Way Back together and she cried during some parts. Mind you, she hates emotions, so that was saying something. Sure, I was sad and touched by those parts, but I didn't cry.
   Thinking about the one day I was nearly consumed by my depression hurts. It doesn't make me cry, but it's always in the back of my mind, reminding me never to go there again. So it's made words that formerly were just interesting or touching, now makes them feel, well, real.
   I don't like Matt Smith as the Doctor for the reasons I believe most Whovian girls do. I like him for his acting and how he portrays his lines. Especially ones like these:

   Maybe to my teacher and to the rest of the world, I'm "too young". But with everything I've experienced up to now, for me, I'm both old and young at the same time. And I think that's how it's always been and will remain, for the rest of my life.

-Kayla

Just a Day

   Hey, everyone. Sorry about the not posting again. I keep catching myself after my time deadline has passed.

   I'm not sure what to write here. I was really tired last time. Still am, mostly. Ended up having a crying fit at one point because I couldn't sleep.
   Well, hopefully I'll come up with something better to talk about tomorrow. Maybe I'll talk about this movie that my friend introduced to me the other day. Doesn't look like a movie I'd approve of at first, but it's definitely hidden gem movies that no one knows about. Take a look at the trailer, don't own the copy-write and such. (Warning that it is slightly inappropriate, least towards the beginning, but most things are even worse these days. :P)

-Kayla

Flip-flopped Thoughts

   Hey, everyone. I know I haven't been all there with the posts recently. Mostly in the fact that they aren't everyday anymore. I'm trying, I really am. Stupid stuff keeps coming up, like my computer overheating or suddenly having to go on a cleaning spree just to find one thing. Stuff like that.

   I just need a break. Not even really on one right now. Starting to type this at midnight because a pain in my arm is keeping me awake. I think I pulled a muscle earlier. Actually kind of difficult to type a little. I'll probably finish tomorrow at some point, publish it then.
   Seriously though, I'm on mental shutdown. I've had a ton of social interaction these past several weeks, different than the usual. See, I'm fine when it becomes a pattern, same stuff all the time. But if it's all sporadic and varying levels of comfort depending on the people I'm with, it gets exhausting. I've had from full weeks of interactions with different groups (people I do know and then others I didn't) to maybe one or two days where I didn't and had that for all the days around and between. Can you blame me for skipping out on one today (well, yesterday)?

    I'm so tired. Gonna save this for tomorrow. See ya in some hours. :)

    And I'm back. Better now than I was last night. One thing though, all that stuff is all still relevant. Still kind of bothersome to me, even if I don't say much about it.
    It's like when girls are in that cycle of the month. For some reason, anything brought up then is just under the category of "it doesn't matter" automatically. Doesn't matter if it's the same problem every month, it's typically ignored.
   I hate that. So many times that's happened to me, when I try to talk about my feelings. I've probably already said at some point that, when on a high emotional level, my natural response is to cry. I can't talk at all when that happens, so I'll write. Actually, I'll type more often than not. It isn't preferred, but it works.
    I will say one thing, it does get more out. I'll send emails to my friends, knowing that they'll see it. Sometimes I don't want them to. But if someone doesn't know, if I "bottle it all up", no one likes that.

   "Bottle it all up." I don't like that term. I've been told not to do that, talk to someone when I'm bothered. Problem is, there's barely ever a "proper" moment. Say it out of the blue, it's not right because "why are you holding grudges?" Say it in the argument, it's just a part of the emotions and not really considered further than that. When do you actually talk about anything with an emotional charge, even if the emotion is gone at the time?
   Least I have my friends, who help a great deal. Even if they don't reply all the time, or I know that they're busy, they'll still see my messages. Somehow that's calming. I know that I've gotten something out. It's still in my memory, yeah. But I have people I can talk to, people who listen.

    It's still hard. But I've gotten loads better these past weeks. The huge amount of social interaction I mentioned earlier has taken it's toll, but when I can take a break, when I'm alone with my thoughts, it's not as scary anymore.
    I'm not hurting as much anymore.
    Has it gone away completely? Probably not. I don't think it ever will. Found out that the anxiety, like my depression, was genetically passed down as well. Just that I have it. My past experiences pushed it into the social aspects of my life. Mostly having to do with friends and not being heard.

   But that's all changed. I have friends who'll forever be in my heart. Even though we're parting ways, they'll still be with me. And through their example and encouragement, I'm getting the courage for the new friends I'm making for the next step of my life. Not the courage in making friends. I've always had that, at least when I've had a good vibe about the person.
   It's the courage that I'll be able to keep them. New friends, and old.

-Kayla