Masks

   Hey, everyone. Sorry about the choppy posting for the past few days. I had something planned for yesterday, but it wasn't loading up right. Hopefully next week isn't that horrible with post timing.

   So, seeing Carmen was interesting, as I mentioned in my last post. She was pretty much the same as she used to be, changing a little with new stories for her to tell. But still the same.
   Which confused me. How had she drastically changed from the girl I knew and the girl who'd hurt me? Her way of talking had changed on the phone and texts as time went on and then she was definitely different during and the few weeks after our fight.
   But now, in these past few days of seeing her again and talking with others who'd seen/heard from her, she seemed more to me like the girl I knew. Maybe I'm off here, but I have a theory of why: the "mask" of technology.

   In a previous entry, "Behind the Screen", I talked a little bit about how people can hide behind a screen. Cyberbullies, people in pain hiding that pain from friends and family, etc. Building off that, there are several different ways to express yourself, as in, the way you act.
   I do my best to act the same online as I do in person. The masks I hold are the same, along with my attitude. Now, my masks are slowly falling away, at least with my family and close friends (friends more than family, actually). What you read here on this blog are the same thoughts I would share with my close friends. I've already thrown away that specific mask in an attempt to help others, like myself with depression or anxiety. Do I still have masks? Yes. Do I know what all of them are? Not really. Some, yeah, but I often don't realize a wall has come up until later.

   Going back to Carmen, what I encountered in the time nearing the fight, I believe was some new front. Maybe a new mask she was trying out or hastily put together because of her new environment. As time had gone on, it became more hostile toward her old friends, or at least toward me.
   I don't know why and I'm not sure if she even knows either. I did enjoy being with an old friend for those days. Sure, the conversation seemed to be the same I'd known between us (boys and school), but the fight wasn't ever brought up. I wanted to, occasionally, but let it stay, for now. This year was rough for both of us. Different problems, but that doesn't mean much to me. Rough is rough. Pain is pain. Intensity does not matter to me, because it all depends on the person in the end.
   Knowing I would be seeing Carmen, I decided not to put on a mask. I did my best to be the relaxed and happy girl I've started to become since starting to get out of my depression. After acting on my new confidence in speaking, Carmen and I eventually started talking one on one after a while.
   Will we be as close as we were? Maybe, but not completely. At least, not on my end. My trust in her is gone, at least with things important to me. General things are okay, but, well, you know what I mean.

   I still forgive her. The girl I knew is still there, confirmed by myself in the past few days. The girl I fought with is probably still there too, but I'm trying not to dwell on that.

   I'm done with masks, or at least definitely the ones created to cause pain. Tell me the truth, no matter how hurtful, directly to me and hopefully as soon as possible. Don't tell me a lie and expect me to be okay after discovering the truth. Because I will find out, and it will cost us both.
   This is how I live my life, both before and after. And, more often than not, it works. Even if it has faltered a few times, coming back to that has rarely let me down. I don't know a time when it has.

   How about you? Are you hiding behind a mask, or showing the world who you are?

-Kayla

Feeling Old

   Hey, everyone. I'm sorry I didn't publish yesterday.

   One thing I never wanted to do was get old. I don't mean it in a sense of aging, like numbers or looks. I mean it as a loss of a kind of innocence.
    With my depression, social anxiety, and losing more of those who matter most to me than I'd like to count, I feel older than what I look or my age really is.

   Jade has been on my mind a lot lately. So has Carmen, as I've actually been interacting with her in person today. I don't know if she knows that I'm still a little bothered by her. I don't show it, though. I'm trying not to hold a grudge or get mad.
   Back to Jade though. She helped me a lot to cope when she was still alive. My bad spells weren't as bad back then. Or maybe they were, but she helped me handle them better.

   More than anything, I want to be with her again. I know we'll have all eternity in heaven together when I eventually pass on in, hopefully, the far future. But, all I want is just a moment.
   A moment to hold her again. Hear her purr again. See that she's alright. Let her know that I'm okay.
   I was/am her baby as much as she was/is mine.

   Do me a favor, if you have a pet or someone you're close to, just give them a hug or call them up and say "Thank you." or "I love you." You don't have to give a reason, just do it.
   Because you never know when it'll be the last time. And I pray, for as long as it may be, that they stay with you for as long as possible.

-Kayla

Winning the Battle

   Hey, everyone.

   So, I've noticed for the past week or so, I've definitely been way more upbeat. I don't know what it's been. I'm hoping that it's because I've finally gotten past a hard part of my life.
   See, it was a "transition year". Like, when you're going from one big part of your life to the next even bigger part. It's the more individual thing for me than a group thing. Kinda.

   My last transition year ended, well, let's just say that it was so bad that I've pretty much blocked it out of my memory. I was thinking that this year was going to end the same way. No friends. One step behind. And I'd have to face a whole new world alone. It didn't matter to me that I'd grown up and matured some more, something that I thought I'd already gone through enough pain before to do.
   I wasn't really surprised when Carmen left the way she had. I kind of expected it. The pain? The dark days? The crying at night? All normal and I predicted it would happen, as it did.
   Except... something did happen I never actually believed would happen. Sure, I hoped, but I'd hoped the other time, too. I never really expected my friends, Nora, Violet, and Abigail. They were the unknown variable in my equation. The answer wasn't something I expected.
   When they surprised me, actually staying and helping me when I needed it most, I changed too. I've started becoming who I've always wanted to be. I started talking more, realizing that no matter how many blunders I make, no one cared. No weird stares. No comments. No more slowly being pushed out of the conversation.

   I wouldn't have believed it even a month ago that someone could call me confident and ask what could be done with out it. I would have thought I'd just go unnoticed. The quiet girl in the corner.
   As much as I sometimes want to, I can't stay quiet anymore when I'm anywhere but at home. I'll speak up, let my opinion be heard. I can be who I've always wanted to be. Like the characters I create on the page. They're no longer who I want to be. They're who I am.
   Yesterday, I thanked my friends for staying by my side. I still say thank you for that, and add on, thank you for letting me be me. Weirdness and all. :)

   Another song! Don't own the rights, duh. Just enjoy it!

-Kayla

Friends

   Hey, everyone! (Sorry this is late. I thought I hit the Publish button!)

   You all have probably gathered around now just how much my friends mean to me. And especially right now, I'm realizing just how much they do.
   See, a year ago this week, I started down the path of discovering, going through, and slowly concurring my depression and social anxiety. I honestly don't know how I would have done it without my best friends.
   To thank them, if they see this, I have a song. A lot of people say that the only way to defeat depression and these problems is by doing it yourself, you're the only one who can save yourself. In the end, maybe that's true. You can fight the battle and win yourself. But the only way to win the war is with an army.
    So, without further ado (and the added disclaimer that the rights to this song are not mine), an old favorite that matches my gratitude for the friends who will always stay in my heart. Thanks, you guys! :)

-Kayla

See What Happens

   Hey, everyone. Now hopefully I can make a long one today. Let's see what happens!

   For the past year and most of my life, I have been afraid. I want to bring into the world who I really am, but I believed I couldn't. Everyone's doubts, everyone's comments, my own way of thinking, has prevented me from being who I wanted to be for so long.
   And I'm sick of it.

   I dress how I like. I'm going to stop caring about what others think.
   I stick out in group pictures because of my unique way of doing things (mostly how I dress). Time to embrace it.
   I used to be afraid of speaking out. Now I'm learning not to care, as long as it's what's true to my morals.
   I am different. No one will ever be like me. Because they can't.

   Someone recently said that I'm confident. When I heard that, I honestly didn't believe it. I thought that I must be an awful good actress for others to see me that way. I constantly am doubting myself, wondering if I'm making the right choices because I seem to keep making the wrong ones.
   Now I figure I may as well live up to that title. I used to not care about what others thought about my personality, now it's time to go back to that. I'm going to follow my instincts and what my heart tells me. Even if that means I have to go against well reasoned advice that my friends give me.
   Following my heart and gut instinct has never let me down. Ignoring them or reasoning out of it has hurt more than me following it in the first place. Old and new situations involving both Carmen and other old friends has proved that to me.

   Now, I don't own the rights, blah, blah, blah, and this might not seem like it matches what I'm saying here, but I think it does. This is from the spin-off of one of my favorite shows, Once Upon a Time. The spin-off, Once Upon a Time in Wonderland, only lasted a season, but I loved it all the same.
   Watching this trailer for the first time and then again now brings back the same feelings. No one believes Alice and her stories, but in the end, well, you'll have to watch to find out (both trailer and show).
   I plan to be like Alice. Comepletely myself, even when everyone makes you doubt yourself.
   Let's see what happens... :)

-Kayla

Again

   Hey, guys. I'm sorry again about not posting recently. It's hard to keep to it when your computer decides to throw a tantrum and your days are all skewed. The next week or so looks the same. I'll try to keep on it, promise! For now, here's another song. I'm in a mix of down-in-the-dumps and peaceful. I just found out that I'll be seeing Carmen again for a long period of time really soon. I know I'll be fine with it, but I'm more concerned about my inadvertently making her feel uncomfortable. Anyway, here's that song. I don't own the rights, and all that jazz.

-Kayla

Random

   Hey, everyone. Today is random, because rather than working on a normal entry for a couple hours, I've been working on the My Story page. That'll be updated when I've gotten a double check by one of my friends. :)

   Now, I think today I'm gonna pick a song. Sometime nice and good. Hmm. How about this one? I heard it when I was younger in a Christian environment. I didn't know the lyrics until I looked it up a few months later. I still didn't understand completely until years later. And now? Now I understand it in my heart more than my mind ever did.
   Don't own the copy-write and all credit goes to JJ Heller and company.

-Kayla

Photo Memories

   Hey, everyone. Happy Fathers' Day!

   I'm going to save a talk on fathers for another day. Today, I should probably write what I've been meaning to do for days.
   Two days ago was a big stepping stone in my life. I barely felt time as the event progressed. I didn't even cry like I thought I would.
   Luckily, there are several pictures to help me remember the event. I also received a scrap book of pictures from the past several years to remember the place I just left.
   Of course, in those pictures, there were some of Carmen and myself. Being honest, I'm kind of happy they are there.

   After so many months of hurt and pain, I came to understand something. As much as I'm still hurt, as much as I still get sad, nothing can replace the happy memories.
   There are two Carmens that I remember. One being the girl who betrayed me, who left me using tactics that I'd previously said I feared most. The second being the girl who'd been a close friend, someone who I enjoyed so much to talk to, because someone was finally taking some time to listen to me.

   I have my friends now who listen and talk to me more than she did then. Still, Carmen did help me to open up more again.
   Even if she did say I hadn't and even if I still resent that, there is that other side to her. No matter how much pain I go through, there's a side to myself that I can't shake away.
   Even as Carmen started hurting me (I don't even think she did it intentionally then, but I don't know), I still doubted it. I kept pushing away at the suggestion she could be lying. I didn't have any reason to believe that she could be.
   When I found out she'd talked behind my back and her reaction when I confronted her, that was when I left her be. It's still hard for me to believe it sometimes, especially after I learned some new circumstances a few weeks ago.

   I'm glad for the photos. With them, I can remember the happy times. I already remember the bad without reminders. I want something to remind me of the friend I know is buried somewhere in there. Her friendship didn't come from nowhere.
   In my heart, that is what I believe of many.

   And now, a song. Don't own it, blah, blah, blah. You know, all the copy-write stuff and anything don't belong to me. :)

-Kayla

Oops

   Hey, everybody. Sorry this is so late. And short. Busy busy day both today and yesterday. I'll write a good long one tonight and save it for tomorrow since that'll be busy, too. :P Here's a song that I love and heard a snatch of today in the store (some of you probably know it already). I'll analyze it for you guys at some point like that other one some days ago. Sorry again. :)

-Kayla

Superhero? Maybe?!

   Hey, everybody! First, that friend I talked about in Magic Prayers still needs them, so keep on that, please! And secondly, sooooo sorry about not posting yesterday. I stumbled across something that'd crossed my eye before, but I forgot about it. Now I'm kind of obsessed!

   It's a tv show called Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug and Cat Noir. I've been watching it on YouTube and some on Nickelodeon's website. It's so good! Even though I'm always figuring out the plot before they end it, I'm mostly stuck fangirling about the two main characters. I regret NOTHING!!!!!! (I do have a new idea for a new story, though that might only be a daydream plot-line.)
   Still, though. I watched the last two episodes of season one first. Before you criticize me, it's because those are the prequels and the origin story of those two superheros. And that caught my attention. I won't tell you the specifics, but you know how every hero has their doubts after becoming one, then they make a mistake, want to quit, but suddenly have some sort of motivation that helps them save the day? Well, that happened, duh.

   It reminds me of something, though. Everyone has doubts about everything. Everyone has enemies. And emotions. So, most people have concluded that the biggest enemy to anyone, is themselves. Now, how to defeat the enemy inside yourself, well, that's the difficult part.
   Now, I haven't found a solution, though I'm getting closer. Keeping my own spirits up works most of the time. But when I can't, when I've got those doubts and noises in my head, I've got something else. Like in the tv show, the two heroes don't have to go through things alone. They've got each other to help them out, just like I've got my friends to help me out.

   I've always wanted to be a superhero like Ladybug. The personality, the way she can do anything. Though, maybe switch out her outfit with Chat Noir's. (I love cats! Still, there are other ways to be a hero without all the agility tricks and actually knowing how to work a yo-yo.
   Giving someone the time of the day can do it. Make a smile. Say words of encouragement. Take time out of your day to help out another.
   Think about it. The more that people step up to do these things, the world will be an even better place, right? Isn't that what a hero's goal is? Making the world a better place?

   I want to be a superhero. I've got a thought going through my head. Maybe I'll try it soon. Sadly, I won't be telling, as I might put it in a story someday and I'm extremely cautious about my stories on the internet (the ones I want to become books, that is).
   Anyway, what do you want to be?

   Remember to check out the last two entries and, now that I'm back in sync, I'll be back tomorrow! See ya then!

-Kayla

Wandering in my Thoughts

   Hey, everyone. Now for the second scheduled post. It'll be in the past by a day or so, meaning my thought process will probably be off by that much.

   Anyway, I was thinking again. I knew, several, several months ago that something big would happen in the friend department of my life. It was inevitable, to me. With another transition year beginning, I knew it'd involve those closest to me. I never imagined what actually happened to be what I predicted. Though, when it did, I wasn't really surprised.
   The first time, I had some friends who said we'd be "Best Friends Forever" and "Best Friends For Life". As that transition began and we started the new chapter of our lives, they slowly left me behind. It didn't really make sense to me. Most of us were going to the same exact place. Why was I starting to be ignored, given odd looks when I spoke, or avoided altogether?
   It took me months to finally break out of my shyness enough to make a new friend in a place I had no help in navigating. It took me years to realize that the treatment had gone on longer than I'd realized. And only in the past year or so did I finally make peace with it.
   Perfect timing, though, right? Another transition year, and one of the few friends I'd confided with the specifics and feelings of that story is ripped away from me. Partially by her own doing and some of mine.

   Violet says I shouldn't have to apologize for my feelings, things like that. I do anyway, mostly because that's just a part of my nature. I get angry and I cry right afterward because I hate myself for being that way, even for a moment. Drives some people nuts, because they still want to be mad, but it's harder to be mad at a crying person. I can't help it! I hate it when I'm angry.
   Depression hurts a lot. It makes you not want to care about your emotions until you're completely numb and can't even feel anything anymore. Tying that with Social Anxiety makes it ten times worse. With that, you care way to much, about what others say, think, and the same about what you say about others or yourself, or what you yourself think about others/yourself. Two sides on the opposite ends of the spectrum, constantly pulling at you.
   I've had to claw myself out of a lot of cages those two things try to wrap me in. Luckily I've got some friends on the other side of those bars, fighting on the other end. Sometimes I'm scared I won't get out. Sometimes I think that there's another cage, on that's bigger than the rest, that I don't know is there. My friends aren't in there and they won't be able to help me there. But someday, I know I'll have the strength to break that down, too.

   I've got a song today. I don't own it, on CD or the copy-write and all that fun stuff. It's from that Disney Channel movie Descendants. To be honest, this is the only song I like from the movie. The ending song is okay, but the rest are 'eh' to me.
   To me, this song isn't about being in love and trying to figure out those feelings. Sure, maybe if I ever get a boyfriend (yes, I have never had one before), then maybe. This feels more to me like how I feel now, with my friends. Will I ever know who I will truly be? Will my friends still be around if someone says something that puts me in a bad light, but is the truth? How do I know if my heart is leading me in the right direction if even my friends seem to think it's wrong?

-Kayla

Magic Prayers

   Hey, everybody. First of my scheduled posts, hopefully this works!

   Now, everyone here knows by now I'm a Christian. That means I believe in the power of prayer. Because it really does work, even if you've got a bit of doubt.
   Let me tell you, it works a whole ton better than wishing, like using those silly chain things that I've try for the heck of it. Unlike those wishes, prayers actually come true. Sure, it takes a whole ton longer than one would like, but prayers are answered while wishes are often not. Unless you do both for the same thing, which I guess is that you're probably trying awful hard to get it.

   I'm bringing this up because one of my friends needs prayers right now. I won't say which one, and I don't know what for. But she asked me and some others to pray for her, so that's exactly what I want to do.
   I hate praying for myself, or asking others to pray for me, though some of my friends do it anyway. I'd rather help someone out more than myself, because they probably need it more than I do. My problems can wait. Family and friends come first.

   So, can you pray for her? If not, than anyone in need. I'm going to pray for her, because she's my friend. They're the most important thing in the world to me. I want to make sure that they're okay.
   And with a friend like her, she's my family. Family should always be close to the heart.

-Kayla

Little Lost

   Hey, everyone. Tomorrow and the day after that may be a bit shaky with posts. It's going to be busy, so they might be late, or early, or slightly out of context (the last one being if I can figure out this "scheduling" thing for posts). Just thought I'd let you know.

   Anyway, Carmen's been on my mind again, but only for the past ten minutes or so. I was listening to some Christian music on my iPod and I picked on my Matthew West playlist to follow my thought process. After a while, I lost my intended train of thought and ended up just listening to the music, the lyrics.
   I only own one CD of his: Into The Light. I got it mostly for the two songs "Hello, My Name Is..." and "Do Something". Still that one song, "Forgiveness", between those two on the track listing strikes a strong cord in me. Before, it reminded me of trying to understand and forgive the three former best friends of mine for dumping me right before and during a new chapter of our lives. Now, well, you can guess who I think about now.
   Something was different today, though. Maybe it was my thought process beforehand (just a story that I'll probably never write down). Maybe it was all the things I've previously been posting about forgiveness. Somehow that GMW: Girl Meets Forgiveness episode and Good Will Hunting popped up in my head.

   Before even those things came into my life, I'd heard mentioned that the only way to forgive another and to also find peace in yourself, is to forgive yourself. It all seemed so clear a few days ago. But, something happened. I don't think it was the fact that I saw Carmen for the first time again. No, or maybe? Still, now I wonder.
   I know there's something somewhere in me, that I need to forgive myself about. To me, I have a lot of flaws. But I know that there are things others see about me, others remember about me, that I never really thought about or thought that no one cared to notice or even noticed, that replace those flaws.
   Yearbooks are my favorite examples. Friends, classmates, teachers, and so many others all notice or remember events that make you shine that you may have not remembered yourself. I love reading though past and recent years for those things. They beat back those voices in my head. Some years, there are few signatures and messages, but I definitely gained more as years went on. And they grew even more meaningful as well.

   I don't know what I need to have peace now. I don't know if it's making peace with Carmen, with myself, or something else. I don't even really know how to do any of those things yet. I'll find a way, eventually. I know it will come, sooner or later.
   Now, my favorite song on that CD is none of the ones I mentioned so far. It's actually the one called Moved By Mercy. Half the time, it describes my life perfectly. Maybe in another post I'll analyze it like I did with Let It Go a few weeks back. For now, enjoy the song. Disclaimer: I don't own the copy-write and all that fun stuff. :)

-Kayla

Predicted It- Sort Of

   Hey, everyone. Sorry if this comes on late today. Also, I may or may not be giving my full story on that My Story page here. Maybe next week? No promises, just in case! Still, I'm going to start slipping things with this post with the stuff I've been holding back so you guys get to know me first, before knowing my life's specifics.

   Anyway, I'd known for months that something would happen involving Carmen. And I was right. I saw her again, in person, for the first time in months. I last saw her, whooo, last September? Wow, it was that long ago?
   Still, our last conversation, the one that ended our friendship was in February. Needless to say, hearing that she was there, right nearby, that caused me to panic. But, when she walked in, I didn't feel anything. No anger, no sadness, or anything really. I wasn't expecting any happiness, and that didn't happen at all.
   After the afternoon went on for a while, we didn't exchange any words except maybe an off-handed "hey." I knew I was going to cry yesterday, which I did end up doing, though not for as long as I thought I would. Well, it was ruined a little by some unplanned things happening.
   What set me off was the tearful goodbyes to some teachers. And then a song that reminded me of the time when my opportunity to make a new start began. That time where I started to meet my new friends, the same ones who've helped me so much.

   When the tears started to flow, I broke. Suddenly I realized something. What I'd been waiting for, what I'd been hoping for the whole year, had finally happened. But... It was so wrong. I'd missed Carmen so much, I'd wanted to see her again for so long, and then, well, you know.
   I didn't even talk to her. I barely even made eye contact with her. She seemed the same, though maybe not as outgoing as I remember.
   Remorse came through with the tears. Even if my depression, social anxiety, and bad spells were to blame, I still felt guilty about what happened.
   Is that wrong? What should I have done? With other events coming up, I know I'll probably see her in person again soon. Anyone have any advice?

   I did end up sending her a message via FB (different name than I use here; I'm paranoid of the internet). No answer yet, and it says it'd still unread.
   Any advice I've gotten is to wait for her to make a move. Before it was her to do it first, now I've acted to I'm waiting for her to make a second to my first.

   If there's no advice for that, any ideas on how to get this more out there? All I've got is the default Google+, my own Facebook actions, and my occasional email to some friends. Anyone have ideas for either problem?

-Kayla

Looong Day

   Hey, everybody. Sorry I didn't do anything yesterday. I had a lot to do last night for today.

   Today, I had to start saying goodbye. It didn't feel real. Neither my friends or myself felt like it was real. Something happened at lunch that made me feel that it was our last day. I did call that it would happen, though I'm going to wait until everyone's stopped crying to say 'I told you so'.
   Honestly, I didn't cry as much as I thought I would today. I did cry for a while, but then some things got messed up, so that ruined the effect of the day. I'm still sad, though.

   What do you say to friends you've known for years? What do you say to people that you've grown so close to, that they may as well be family? How was I supposed to say goodbye to the three friends who've helped me so much these past few months?
   I really don't know. I've been trying. Maybe I can figure out by a week from now. There's the second round of goodbyes we must all go through again.
   I promise I'll have a better one planned for tomorrow. I love you all!

-Kayla

Who are YOU?

   Hey, everyone. I want to make this one viral. Read on and decide yourself if you want to pass it on.

   Today, I got really passionately agitated for some reason. Not angry at someone else. Just agitated because of the brokenness the world puts in people.
   Look at that picture I put at the beginning. This world tears people down, looking to make others fit in the norm. Like soldiers are torn down by drill sergeants, so too are others torn down by bullies who believe they are making others fit in the standards this world has put down.
   Now, these bullies aren't the kind most people think of. They're not just the popular girls, talking behind others backs, tearing down others with words, and setting the trends others simply must follow. They're not just the jocks who beat up weaklings or set standards high for what a boy should be like.
   No. I count also on the society, the pressure of it, the media produced, everything that says you have to change who you are in order to fit in.

   Why do we have to change our appearance, our outlook on life, our personalities, in order to fit in with this "perfect" society?
   How many people are truly happy being popular, following social norms? Be honest, how many are?
   Who is happy starving themselves? They've been deluded to think no matter what they do to think that they're fat, even if they're a selection.
   Who is happy dressing like the people in the magazines or in the clothing that everyone must wear to fit in? Are they not preyed upon? Told they are unspeakable and disgusting things that in their hearts they are not.
   Who's ever happy becoming what others want them to be? Not the person that they really are?

   Sometimes it's an outsider. Sometimes it's a friend. It can even be someone in your family. It doesn't matter where it comes from. If you're not being pulled to your true potential, leave. If you can't now, do so when you can. It's harder to do when it's family. But lessening the contact, even if it can't completely disappear, may make the load lessen.
   Be who you are. Dare to Be. Be who YOU are. Find out for yourself who that is. Than BE it.
When you are happy, truly happy, nothing can stop you.
   Because you'll have no borders. You can die, you can feel pain, but that should not stop you from living. Not when you have something you live for. Who will that be?

   That is up to you.

-Kayla

Tired Day

   Hey, everybody.

   Today was stressful. Right now I need a crying time. I'm just going to put some videos in order here from one of Reggie Dabbs's speeches (used the order from the descriptions on YouTube). From what I picked up, this was from a New York City Christian conference. I still cry every time I see the ending. Watching it all together is even more emotional. But it's worth it. :)

-Kayla

Whoa...

   Hello, everyone!

   I've said before that I am a Christian. I have not specified which denomination, but I don't think that matters. I believe in God, which is all that matters to me. When I'm struggling, I pray. Sometimes I forget, not to do so, but to do it with sincerity. Recently, that's been happening. I'll be a little cynical in the back of my mind, wondering if it'll actually work this time. Until today.
   I was on Pinterest, as I am every day, and I ran across this link:
http://hubpages.com/religion-philosophy/Signs-That-You-Have-Connected-With-Your-Spirit-Guide-Or-Angel
   Thinking it was just some interesting thing for writing or just something that I'd like reading, I clicked on it. Reading the list, I found it interesting, some of it familiar. But I still sort of dismissed it, because sometimes I'd just find it normal for those unusual feelings for others. Then there's that video at the end.
   It takes the narrator a while to get to the actual meditation part and that felt smaller than the rest of the nine minute video. But something happened when I listened.
   I was still doubtful with all the talk about guardian angels and stuff, because I hadn't given much thought to having my own. Sure, every one has a guardian angel, protector from evil and all that. It just, I don't know, didn't really strike me as anything out of the ordinary.
   I'd heard all these other stories before. People seeing their dead friends or relatives in a dream, some not even recognizing they are because that person died and the viewer had never seen a picture. People getting signs through unsuspecting others by these guardian angels.
   Listening to the video, I kept thinking. There was one instance of my feeling a lost loved one with me. It was at a Christian music festival, a year or two ago, and Steven Curtis Chapman was there and he sang my favorite song of his: Cinderella. I love that song and listened to it millions of times before that night. But that night was different. Just remembering it brings back vivid memories, feelings, and emotions. I'd sing along to this song so many times, but that night I got halfway through the first verse and, suddenly feeling an invisible weight on my shoulders, I choked up. I didn't know why, and I didn't find out why until later that month, when I remembered an earlier memory from that day. I'd won a festival game, something I can never do, but I knew who always could. My grandfather, who'd died several years ago. Looking at the schedule for that festival, I saw when the performance was and looked at the date. I started crying, not stopping for hours. That day of the concert, was the anniversary of my Grandfather's death. I hadn't even realized.
   Reading and listening at first on that website brought back memories of my beloved cat, Jade. I've always believed she's looking out for me and that I'll see her in heaven. Then I remembered my Grandfather during that meditation. I felt that weight on my shoulders again and, though it left a little while after the video, it felt like I had an arm around my shoulders, comforting me.
   During that meditation, I prayed to both of them. I asked for their help with all my troubles recently. I've been having problems with the whole Carmen situation appearing in my mind, though she has not in my real life. I could feel them both with me then.
   I know some here may not have a strong faith or any at all. I ask if you could just look, just look and maybe listen. Believe what you want, that's up to you. I know I felt something and know others may not. And that's okay.
   I'm going to put that song here, too. I don't own it or the copy-write, though it is on my iPod (I got a cd with it right before the concert). I still can't listen to it anymore without remembering that night. And the two stories (the singer's stories) behind it are so powerful on their own without mine added. I hope you enjoy it. :)

-Kayla

It's Okay to Cry

   Hey, everyone.

   In this society, why is it a thing where it is shameful to cry? Why can't we just let it out sometimes?
   After writing yesterday, I thought a lot and then cried after the lights went out. I've held a lot of grudges. Only a month or so ago did I finally reach out to a girl who'd I'd been friends with before she unknowingly pushed me away. We've talked a little and gotten most of that part of the past straightened out.
   I've been trying to figure out how to really apologize to Carmen. It's still hard not to be mad. I know it'll happen more in life as it goes on, or that's what people keep telling me.

   Why does that have to be true? Why does your heart have to get broken when you try to love? Why does your trust have to be shattered by the people closest to you? Why do people have to leave?
   I know, life's not perfect. Life doesn't always care about how you're feeling. A lot of people say when you feel that way, you need to change your attitude and "think happy thoughts". As much as I want to do that, it doesn't always work.
   Sometimes it's better to cry.

   Reaching out to Carmen right now wouldn't be the smart thing, or at least that's the greater conclusion among my friends. I want to reach peace, but that's harder to do when you don't know both sides of the story.
   Yesterday, I couldn't figure out how to put this video in. I want to look up more of this speaker, because he's really good.
   This video was something I ran across around 7:30 yesterday morning. Another random click like Someone Worth Dying For. I don't know if I should say I don't own the copy-write, but just in case, there's the disclaimer. I don't know his name. But this is why I've always wanted to make peace before it's too late.

-Kayla

Forgiveness

Hey, everyone! (Sorry this was messed up so much today, here's the good copy.) This will be long and will contain spoilers to Girl Meets World and Good Will Hunting, so proceed with caution. It'll be a good message, so I hope you don't mind the spoilers. I might also be dividing this in two parts, but I also might not.

  And, one more thing. Knowing my thoughts connected to this topic, this will be a very emotional post. I don't know what emotions will be triggered, but be careful. Here goes.

  I've been talking about a lot of important stuff lately. Being yourself (Appearances), living life the way you want to (Live Like...), bullying (Thinking Things and Belief is Powerful), being a friend who cares (True Friend), making a difference starting with yourself (Messages Become One), and a whole load of other things. These aren't all the blog entries that correspond with the topics. Maybe I should think of more tags...

  Anyway, today I'd like to talk about Forgiveness.

  The dictionary definition of "to forgive" is: "stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake" (taken from Dictionary.com). In the bible there's a whole ton of messages about loving your enemy and forgiving people without counting how many times you do.

  But those are just definitions. It's not as easy as they make it sound. I found this picture a while back, which sums it up for me.

  It's been really hard to forgive Carmen. I trusted her, at the time a good deal more than most, maybe even more than even Nora at times. And she let me down, spatting it in my face. And it hurt, a lot.

  I told her that I forgave her. It had to be through a friend, as she no longer wanted to hear from me. She sent me an email back saying she thought she didn't do anything wrong and a few other things that don't look bad to another observer, but crushed me. I sent her one last email a week or two later and haven't contacted her since.

  But I still get mad. I have imaginary confrontations where I can finally tell her face to face how I feel. The dream-me and real-me both feel worse afterward though. I don't know why. Sometimes it feels like she walked away fine while I had to pick up the torn pieces of friendship.

  By the dictionary standards, I've failed several times in the respect of forgiveness. But, with all due respect, who the heck wrote that? How do they know what it's like to truly be able to forgive someone? You're going to have to be a pretty perfect person in order to do that.

  How many sleepless nights did they cry in the dark? How many times did they feel like a useless human being because someone they thought they could trust decided to hurt them, betray them?

  How do they know how to truly forgive?

  I found clips from this episode from Girl Meets World yesterday. (Disclaimer: I don't own the clip at the end of this section, or the copy-write to the show.) But here's the story, spoilers included. Maya Heart, Riley's best friend in the show, is one of the strongest characters I've ever seen on this generation's Disney Channel. Her father left her and her mom when she was around 5. They've just been getting by since. Throughout the show, each friend goes through some hardships and each stands by the other. This episode was about Forgiveness as well.

  Each kid was asked to pick someone to forgive. Then they had to successfully and genuinely do so. Watch the full episode like I did after this to get the full effect. But the message of this part is so powerful. It's right after she confronts her dad and finds out why he left. He asks her for her forgiveness, as he's changed, but she goes back inside and this is what happens:

  It's so important to forgive yourself. You can't move on if it still keeps hurting you. It could be buried away and you don't know it's there. Believe me, I know. I hit rock bottom and I didn't know that this was possible until I had. I really really hope others don't have to do that to know this.

  That's why I love Good Will Hunting so much. (spoilers and Disclaimer on the video at the end) This kid, Will Hunting, was abused, hurt, and eventually pushed away anyone who could help him. Until one guy, Shawn, took the challenge and stayed. He got Will to forgive himself, because all that pain, all that hurt was not his fault. And he'd believed it for so long, that, well, watch.

  Whatever you believe, whatever you think about yourself, there are other people out there who do care. Find someone to help you forgive yourself. Because it's gonna hurt real bad until you do.

  I know now that this whole deal with Carmen wasn't my fault. Yes, I got mad. Yes, I pushed. But she didn't have to hurt me like that. She didn't have to say those things. She chose to talk behind my back, she chose to lie. It can't be all my fault for everything that happened.

  Sorry this was so long. But if you know someone, or it's you yourself, who was or is in my position, help them. Or find help yourself. It hurts, but you have to find a way to heal. People say "Forgive and forget." I can never forget. I've tried, believe me. Forgive? It'll come.

  Someday, my forgiveness to Carmen will be genuine. Someday, there will be peace.

  Remember to watch that episode and/or the movie. Maybe those will help, too. I'll talk to all of you again tomorrow.

-Kayla

Live Like...

   Hey everyone, sorry this is late today and might be on the very short side. Hopefully this comes in before 8pm.

   This week has been a roller coaster. I've been sad, I've been super mad, I've laughed my head off. Just so much has been going on.
   I'm scared for next week. I'm scared for the end of this month, the coming months, the coming year. A lot of things.

   So are my friends. We're about to take the biggest step of our lives. And you know what?
   Next week, Violet said we should live like it's our last week on earth. Just live it up, and have fun. And she's right.

   We're all so scared of our next step of life. It could be big, it could be small. Change is the scariest thing I've ever encountered.
   But I'm sick of being scared. "So what?" I say. It's going to come, no matter what. I'm going to enjoy this while it lasts. Yeah, it's going to be difficult to try and do that every day.
   Still, if there's a will, there's a way, right?

   Disclaimer: I don't own this song or the copy-write, blah, blah, blah. But it's awesome and I think it fits with whatever stage of life you're in. Enjoy!

-Kayla

Fear

   Hey, guys.

   Fear stinks. It's paralyzing, it doesn't have mercy. It takes hold and is hard to shake off. I hate being scared.
   I hate not knowing what's going on. With myself. If one of my friends is hurt or in trouble. Or if it's my family in that position. Anything.

   I don't know what's going to happen in the next week or so. I'm going to cry. A lot. I'm going to have to say goodbye to my friends, though I'll probably be seeing them again in the future and not long after, too.
   Saying goodbye's scary, especially when the people you're saying it to mean so much to you. And you never know if it'll be for the last time. Like when I last saw Carmen in person. Like the birthday call from my grandfather on my birthday, two days before he passed away.
   Sometimes you do know it'll be the last time. Like when we had to put Jade down. That still hurts.

   I don't want to say goodbye. I don't think I can. Because goodbye is too final. Goodbye is too painful. And my friends deserve more than that from me.
   I don't know what I will say in the coming weeks. But I hope when I do, I won't be afraid anymore.

-Kayla

"Real Identity"?

   Hey, everyone.

   Have you ever thought "Who am I?" Have you ever just wanted an opportunity to be a "better" you? Someone that the people you've known all your life will be slightly surprised to know? I have, sometimes.
   I don't want to be like everyone else, no. I don't want to be "popular" or draw too much attention to myself. I just sometimes I was more confident, that I would speak my mind more because sometimes my close family looks down on that. Yeah, I obsess over things and I'll repeat myself when I don't realize until after that I've done it. I've been criticized more than often for doing so.
   I've been told to listen more. I've been told to speak up. I've been told to do so many contradicting things by people who think that they're doing their best for me. And while sometimes it is what is best for me, it isn't always.

   What I want with a new start is to become more myself than I already am. But even without that new start that's coming up, I've tried starting to do more now. At home, maybe not, but elsewhere, yeah. Not sure how much it's working.
   I will say though, in the past few years and in this past year, definitely, I've changed a lot. I'll talk more with my friends and actually have an opinion. Sure, maybe not at home, but it's still good, right? My opinion is mine. Why shouldn't it be heard now and then? Of course, not to insult another, like for gossip or destroying another's reputation.
   Which is why I'm always kind of hesitant about what I post. I don't want to hurt Carmen's reputation or any of the other girls' (the ones who hurt me). It's just hard to share experiences like those without mentioning those involved. Telling the truth is a big thing of who I am. I don't want to ruin anyone else because of it, though. That's not right.

   What makes you you? How do you know who you are? Who helps you stay the true you?

-Kayla