Important: Friends

   Hey, everyone.

   Friends are important. I don't think I'll ever say that enough. Make friends with your family, you're closer to them. Make friends with others around you, you make close connections and maybe family with stronger ties than blood. Make friends with your spouse, a friend for life.
   I love the How To Train Your Dragon movies. Just love them. I have yet to get into the tv shows extending off the movies, but I'll get there at some point. Anyway, I'm always a big fan of music, as you've probably gathered and movie soundtracks are definitely a primary part of my listening list. The first one is maybe a bit more my favorite, since that's what drew me in. And one song in particular (maybe I've shared it here before), is what sealed the deal for me along with the scene it's in.
   This song from the movies reminds me of Jade the most. But as time has gone on, I'm reminded of finding my current friends, remembering the specific moment for each when I realized, "This, this is why you're my friend." So, it's special in connection to them as well.
   Don't own the rights, blah, blah, blah. This one's a shout out to my friends. Love you guys. :)

-Kayla

Look Inside

   Hey, everyone.

   There are many different things asking one to look inside. I really like that poem from the movie Brave, but that's a topic for another post. Here, I'm talking about the beauty inside us.

   So, there are many things in this society that influence us. We have to look the same, act the same, be the same in order to "fit in". But it doesn't work, does it? As far as I observe, it just makes people miserable. Girls have to wear make-up, be a certain size, act certain ways. Boys have to fit in with the other boys, go with the pack mentality, even push down any emotions.
   Seeing as I'm a girl, it's not really easy for me to see it from the guys' side. But, it is also hard for me to see on the side of the girls as well. Kind of.
   I'm not a normal girl. I don't always care about how I look or act around others. It doesn't mean that I don't care what others think about me though. And what I've always wanted to avoid has started happening. I'm starting to care about all that stuff, even getting tempted to change to stay with my friends. Maybe that's ridiculous, as I'm pretty sure that they'd rather stay myself. That's what they said they like best about me. :)
   Still, comments made over the years have started getting to me in spite of that. Looks and overheard conversations as well.
   But, I did notice something. I think I mentioned some weeks ago in some posts that I've recently received a scrapbook. Looking through it again this morning, I noticed in my younger pictures, I had one of the biggest smiles. Then, even just a few months after some of the pictures, others had little to smaller smiles. I could see my younger self slowly becoming less happy. Then in the years that started going by, I saw that old smile start to return.
   Each time that smile was present, I paid attention to how I looked and who I was with. When I dressed in clothing that I liked and thought was comfortable, that smile was bigger. Most of the time, they definitely wouldn't be in some fashion or popular magazine. And the smile always be with people that I loved to be around.

   I read recently this (I love Erin Hanson's poems):

   Great to keep in mind, don't you think?

-Kayla

Decide

   Hey, everyone.

   There was something I once read that I found again recently. I've placed it here to go along with today's post:

   I've been thinking a lot about this. Mostly it's been in context with Carmen or with something my family said. Sometimes I've actually said something along these lines and it's just been rebuffed back at me as if I'm the one doing the wrong.
   But it can go with anything really. I've been hurt, intentionally or not. By strangers, by family, by friends. I'm used to it by now. I've been hurt, even when I'm already hurting. I've been disappointed and now kind of expect it. Which brings back another picture I haven't seen in an even longer time than the last, re-found just now:

   I've been thinking about this all day now. It's up to me. I have to decide.
   Am I still hurt? Yes.
   Will it keep hurting? Every now and then, yeah.
   Will it get better? Of course, eventually.
   Am I ever going to give up? Never.

   It's up to me to decide whether or not I'm going to let this hurt control me. Yes, I can cry, I can fall. As long as I get back up again and dry my tears. I'm never going to let go, because there's so much to stay for.
   Sometimes I think I'm too clingy. Other times I think I'm not clingy enough. I always try my best though to do one thing: Let others make their own decisions.
   My friends are my friends and they hold a special place in my heart. But they have their own lives, other friends, other things to do. They can stay or go. That's their choice.
   My choice is to help when I can, always offering that hand of friendship. Even to friends who left like Carmen. I can be mad, but that should never get in the way of kindness.
   That is my choice. This is what I decide:

   How about you?

-Kayla

Late Posting

   Hey, everyone. Sorry this is late. I'm trying to stay on the everyday posting.

   I planned something nice and long, but that clearly hasn't happened. Got a bit distracted by some good, some bad, some medical, and some disappointing things. Here's another song. I'll try to do something extra long tomorrow. :) (Don't own the rights to the song and such.)

-Kayla

NOT Helpless

   Hey, everyone. It's been a long time again. I'm trying, I really am. Just been a bit sick. Lost motivation to even be on Pinterest two days ago. Happens.

   So, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately instead. I'm not normal. I've said that before. Several times I wonder what others think of me. I've been called Wise. Caring. True Friend. Getting ready to take on the world.
   I've also been called helpless. Asked repetitively if I had any of the symptoms of depression, before I even thought that of myself. Been told to be more social.
   Sad thing is, my friends are the ones who've told me more of the things in the first paragraph. The other comments came from my family and therapist (back when I had the latter).

   Maybe I shouldn't say "sad thing is". But it hurts. To me, family should be to encourage you, help you get through the tough stuff, even if they're just there for moral support. But more often than not, it's more criticism than support. I can barely even get through talking about my depression or social anxiety without one of three things happening: 1) It gets misinterpreted; 2) Dismissed after some consideration; 3) Dismissed entirely with no thought or complete misinterpretation.

   I was told recently that "helpless" comment. And the reasons for why are completely off base. They actually more fit the one who made the "conclusion" in the first place. One example: I, in their eyes, would give up on something as soon as it gave me trouble.
   No. I take a break, fully intending on coming back later, because it drives me nuts when I can't figure out what was done wrong. The catch is that I'm easily distracted and don't always remember. I hate people reminding me, because at this point, the ones doing the most reminding (aka my family) are doing it in such a way that makes it sound like I'm either 5 or stupid.

   I'm not helpless. If I was, I'd have given up a long time ago. If that "giving up when things got tough" comment was true, I'd ended everything a long time ago. Things are still hard. It's even harder when people around you make a comment that nearly diminishes everything you've always dreamed of doing. Always planned and hoped. That was one of my bad days last week.

   I'm stronger than maybe even I give myself credit for. But I hold out hope, you see. That's what keeps me going.
   Hope for a better world. Hope to have good friends. Hope for a better me.

-Kalya

Oops Again

   Hey, everyone! Sorry about the no posts again. Yesterday I just plain forgot and the day before was mega busy. Back now, but... No idea what to write. So another song! Seems to be my go-to. I like the beginning days of this tv show. As I've said before, I really don't like most of what's on tv nowadays, at least for young teens. Here's the song (don't own the copy-write and all that jazz). Just ignore the very end, cause it's obviously old news. :)

-Kayla

Hey

   Hey, everyone. Sorry about not posting yesterday. It was a bad late morning leading to an equally bad afternoon, which squashed my urge to post. Today, just an hour or so ago was even worse. But I knew I had to get on, even if it was just for a small post. Have to get back into posting every day. :)

   Anyway, here's a song. Don't own it, or the copy-write. If anyone knows the cd this is on, write in the title in the comments. Can't find this song anywhere except YouTube. Enjoy and see you tomorrow.

-Kayla

Um

   Hey, everyone!

   Not sure what to say today. Other than breaking 1,000 views, I've no idea what to write! So here's a song that I've been listening to for the past few days. Course, disclaimer and all that. No lyrics or video feed, just the same picture, but an amazing song.

-Kayla

Silence

   Hey, everyone.

   I'm making this one short. One thing I've learned from my own struggles, is that instead of just saying what you mean to be comforting words, just stay silent. Sometimes that's all that's needed. Just be there. Let them cry, let them scream, hug them if that's okay. Sometimes just letting them know that you're there is enough.
   Remember that.

-Kayla

Too "Young"

   Hey, everyone! Look, I'm getting better, only a day in between this post and the last. :)

   Yesterday was kind of off. I was thinking about Carmen again, for some reason having another imaginary confrontation. Someday that will go away. But it was the first one in weeks, so I think that's a good sign.

   Now, to my title. You know how adults are always saying that kids are "too young to understand" most things? Well, I don't look my age and even people who know my real age treat me as a child sometimes. It's normal for me to expect, nowadays.
   I understand in the instance where some teenagers or even older kids, around 10 and up, will act arrogant, thinking that they know everything. I know some adults like that too, so I don't really see a difference between the groups. But it's not the intelligence I'm talking about. It's the emotional stuff I'm talking about.
   Say, a family has gone through a divorce in the past and the kid is split between spending time with mostly one parent and little with the other, pretty much for all their life. Then, in that time period between childhood and adulthood, they hear adults talking, saying things like "you [teens, kids, etc.] don't know how tough it really is in the real world." Isn't that kind of sad?

   It's not easy being split apart. I remember when I was first betrayed by friends. It was painful, especially for my age and mentality. Then and now, I still believe in the good of others, no matter how deep inside. I blamed myself, because I'd thought I'd done something wrong.
   There was this teacher I had. Great guy. I looked up to him, even though he intimidated me greatly. He'd share with us some of the hardships he'd faced in life. And there were a lot. I won't share with you what they were, but it made him a great teacher.
   But it always bothered me how he'd talk about how we could never understand what it was like to reach rock-bottom. We couldn't understand the harshness of life because we'd never experienced it. And while I agreed, I also didn't.
   With this past year, I can understand more of what he meant. Some of me still thinks that my pain before was still real, even if it wasn't as big as Carmen's betrayal. Am I still old enough that it fits what he described? Pretty sure not by a long shot. But, even though I may or may not have hit rock bottom, I sure got pretty close. And I never want to go there again.

   Not a lot of things make me cry. It's really hard to get me to even tear up. A friend of mine were watching The Way Way Back together and she cried during some parts. Mind you, she hates emotions, so that was saying something. Sure, I was sad and touched by those parts, but I didn't cry.
   Thinking about the one day I was nearly consumed by my depression hurts. It doesn't make me cry, but it's always in the back of my mind, reminding me never to go there again. So it's made words that formerly were just interesting or touching, now makes them feel, well, real.
   I don't like Matt Smith as the Doctor for the reasons I believe most Whovian girls do. I like him for his acting and how he portrays his lines. Especially ones like these:

   Maybe to my teacher and to the rest of the world, I'm "too young". But with everything I've experienced up to now, for me, I'm both old and young at the same time. And I think that's how it's always been and will remain, for the rest of my life.

-Kayla

Just a Day

   Hey, everyone. Sorry about the not posting again. I keep catching myself after my time deadline has passed.

   I'm not sure what to write here. I was really tired last time. Still am, mostly. Ended up having a crying fit at one point because I couldn't sleep.
   Well, hopefully I'll come up with something better to talk about tomorrow. Maybe I'll talk about this movie that my friend introduced to me the other day. Doesn't look like a movie I'd approve of at first, but it's definitely hidden gem movies that no one knows about. Take a look at the trailer, don't own the copy-write and such. (Warning that it is slightly inappropriate, least towards the beginning, but most things are even worse these days. :P)

-Kayla

Flip-flopped Thoughts

   Hey, everyone. I know I haven't been all there with the posts recently. Mostly in the fact that they aren't everyday anymore. I'm trying, I really am. Stupid stuff keeps coming up, like my computer overheating or suddenly having to go on a cleaning spree just to find one thing. Stuff like that.

   I just need a break. Not even really on one right now. Starting to type this at midnight because a pain in my arm is keeping me awake. I think I pulled a muscle earlier. Actually kind of difficult to type a little. I'll probably finish tomorrow at some point, publish it then.
   Seriously though, I'm on mental shutdown. I've had a ton of social interaction these past several weeks, different than the usual. See, I'm fine when it becomes a pattern, same stuff all the time. But if it's all sporadic and varying levels of comfort depending on the people I'm with, it gets exhausting. I've had from full weeks of interactions with different groups (people I do know and then others I didn't) to maybe one or two days where I didn't and had that for all the days around and between. Can you blame me for skipping out on one today (well, yesterday)?

    I'm so tired. Gonna save this for tomorrow. See ya in some hours. :)

    And I'm back. Better now than I was last night. One thing though, all that stuff is all still relevant. Still kind of bothersome to me, even if I don't say much about it.
    It's like when girls are in that cycle of the month. For some reason, anything brought up then is just under the category of "it doesn't matter" automatically. Doesn't matter if it's the same problem every month, it's typically ignored.
   I hate that. So many times that's happened to me, when I try to talk about my feelings. I've probably already said at some point that, when on a high emotional level, my natural response is to cry. I can't talk at all when that happens, so I'll write. Actually, I'll type more often than not. It isn't preferred, but it works.
    I will say one thing, it does get more out. I'll send emails to my friends, knowing that they'll see it. Sometimes I don't want them to. But if someone doesn't know, if I "bottle it all up", no one likes that.

   "Bottle it all up." I don't like that term. I've been told not to do that, talk to someone when I'm bothered. Problem is, there's barely ever a "proper" moment. Say it out of the blue, it's not right because "why are you holding grudges?" Say it in the argument, it's just a part of the emotions and not really considered further than that. When do you actually talk about anything with an emotional charge, even if the emotion is gone at the time?
   Least I have my friends, who help a great deal. Even if they don't reply all the time, or I know that they're busy, they'll still see my messages. Somehow that's calming. I know that I've gotten something out. It's still in my memory, yeah. But I have people I can talk to, people who listen.

    It's still hard. But I've gotten loads better these past weeks. The huge amount of social interaction I mentioned earlier has taken it's toll, but when I can take a break, when I'm alone with my thoughts, it's not as scary anymore.
    I'm not hurting as much anymore.
    Has it gone away completely? Probably not. I don't think it ever will. Found out that the anxiety, like my depression, was genetically passed down as well. Just that I have it. My past experiences pushed it into the social aspects of my life. Mostly having to do with friends and not being heard.

   But that's all changed. I have friends who'll forever be in my heart. Even though we're parting ways, they'll still be with me. And through their example and encouragement, I'm getting the courage for the new friends I'm making for the next step of my life. Not the courage in making friends. I've always had that, at least when I've had a good vibe about the person.
   It's the courage that I'll be able to keep them. New friends, and old.

-Kayla

"Everything Happens For A Reason"?

   Hey, everyone. Sorry I haven't done anything in several days. I went to my friend's mom's calling hours and funeral. I cried a lot at home after I found out, but not during either of those two events. Not entirely sure why.

   There was one thing I saw though. On Facebook, someone had shared with my friend (or her whole family, don't completely remember) a link saying something in the headline along the lines of: "Please Stop Saying Everything Happens for a Reason", though it did have God mentioned there as well, which is why I know I haven't remembered the proper title.
   I didn't click on it. Not sure if I wanted to. Not then anyway. But for the sake of this post, I now have found and read a similar post. Here's the link to that:
http://www.robshep.com/2014/05/27/please-stop-saying-everything-happens-for-a-reason/
   At first, I was kind of confused. Then kind of hurt. But it all makes sense, especially if it's read all through to the end. Especially then.

   Here's my take on "Everything Happens for a Reason"

   Sometimes, things hurt. Someone close to you dies. You loose a chance to do something amazing. There are accidents. People betray you, hurt you, leave you for nothing. Things just hurt and get worse. You'll cry and you'll scream but nothing gets better, no matter how hard you try.
   I've been hurt. Physically sometimes when I was younger, typically sibling squabbles. I've never really been one to fight back with my hands. Can't stand hurting someone else. Emotionally, oh, so much. I've been let down by so many people. Only a handful haven't left me. And even they have hurt me a little, intentional or not.
   I remember everything. I don't have a great memory, not when it comes to birthdays, anniversaries, homework, deadlines. I'm horrible with stuff like that. But I remember every feeling, every face that meant something to me, even just for some minutes. Names, no. Faces, people, feelings. All that is in me.

   I remember the good. I remember the bad. I remember everyone I've lost. Everything that's ever been taken away from me. And all that chose to stay behind.
   I cried so much this past year. Every night for weeks, months on end, as soon as the lights went out, I'd cry. I'd remember everything. Every word, every memory charged by some emotion. It sat on my chest until sometimes I had trouble breathing, physically.
   I prayed. Every night. Most of the time I asked if God could just send someone to stay. Proof that someone was still my friend. Sometimes I just asked if the weight could be lifted, just enough so I could sleep. I was so, so tired.
   Only once did I think about all of it ending. I sort of faked being sick so I could stay home. I just thought "If I died now, no one would notice." Somehow I snapped out of it. Not an immediate mood change, but gradual that day. After, I started really thinking about starting this blog. Some weeks later, I did.

   I've read stories about people getting better from depression. A girl who's in a kitchen, humming a Disney song and hearing her mom speak to her grandmother in the other room, tearfully saying "She's singing again." A woman who now has kids and listens to her husband tell them bedtime stories in silly voices. Stories of hope and healing. Not fiction or fantasy. Real life.
   I'm not healed. Not completely. Sure, I'm not as down as I've been for the past twelve months. I don't know if there'll be a sign, something to show that I'm getting better.
   Or maybe there has been. Others who I think barely notice me have made comments. I've been talking more. I'm more noticed. I'm not invisible anymore.

   I think everything happens for a reason is in a sense that you can't know what's good unless you've had the bad. You don't know healing unless there's been pain. You don't know just how true a friend can be until another betrays you.
   I'm not one for competition, not really. I don't like to compare myself to others. Pain is pain. Joy is joy. I'm happy for others achievements, whether or not they surpass my own. I try to help others in pain, whether or not they are hurt more or less than myself.
   It matters more to me that others find peace even before I do. Because no one should hurt that much.

   But sometimes you have to cry. Sometimes you have to let in the hurt. How else do you know you have healed?

   I love this song. I have for the past, oh, five years or so. Maybe a year after I lost Jade. Reminds me of her. My old and current friends as well. Don't own the copyright, and all that.

-Kayla

Peace for Today

   Hey, everyone.

   So, busy, of course. I mean 4th of July weekend and everything. I don't remember last year at this time really. I was just realizing everything about depression and social anxiety at this time last year, so maybe that's not surprising.

   This morning I had a very vivid dream. It felt so real that I was disoriented when I woke up. My friends and I have a special nickname for me, generally having to do with "seeing the future". Maybe it's silly, especially with my faith, but I feel like I have a 6th sense sometimes.
   My dream had to do with one of my 2 family members with cancer passing away. I was heartbroken and my dream self was crying so much, that's what caused me to be so confused when I woke up. I sort of dismissed it, reminding myself that while it would happen in the near future, both members of the family were still alive and kicking.
   But then an old friend of mine, one whom I've made peace with in the past several months after some years of no contact, posted something on Facebook. Her mother, who'd struggled with cancer for some years now, passed away this morning. It was just her and her mother at home when it happened. Right around when I had the dream.

   My heart goes out to her and her family. Can all of you pray for my friend and her family? Losing someone, especially someone so close to you on a happy day like today is hard.
   Pray for them, please.

-Kayla