A Child

   Hey, everyone.

   So, before getting into what I want to talk today, I'm not sure about something. I don't want a boyfriend. Frankly, I'm not sure if I'd even have time for one, judging on how much I procrastinate and need to get things done. But, at the same time, I... kind of... do. Want a boyfriend, that is.
   Someday. I know someday I'll have a boyfriend and get married. I want a love like Amy and Rory's. Annabeth and Percy's. Bones and Booth's. Someday. I can wait. :)

   To the topic for today, I've been thinking about age again. I made a post, back when I was first starting here on this topic. Sort of. It was about gullibility and such. Some have been commenting that I'm such a child recently, so I've been thinking it over and came to a conclusion.
   I purposely act younger than I really am. The way I dress, sometimes make myself hyper, still have my stuffed animals. All of that is on purpose.
   I never wanted to grow up. I didn't want to get hurt, didn't want to go through what life had to throw at me. But I did. I still am. Stuff is still hard sometimes. I've been lying awake some nights, imagining Carmen coming here, ruining one of the few places I've never seen her. In my mind, I'm still angry as much as I was before. Even though I was civil at our last meeting, I don't know if that was just because other people that knew me were there. Now I'm some place new... Well, I'm not sure how I'd react.
   Still, I didn't want to be like this. I didn't want to be hurt, to be sad, to be betrayed. But there are other people in this world who don't think about that when they act as they do. Even I have slipped up sometimes.

   The reason I act or dress the way that I do is because even though I went through all this stuff, even though it still hurts like heck, I keep my childishness as much as I can. In my eyes, I can barely see it now. But it keeps up the illusion to other people.
   Well, sort of. To the others like me, or the ones I let in, they can see behind my mask. They can see the hurt, the things I don't want the world to.
   When they do, it's just a matter of waiting. Who will stay? Some only stay for the good days, like Carmen. They don't like the bad days, tend to act the harshest then. The ones who I feel matter more are the ones who stay, even after I get angry or cry. My best friends. Maybe some new as well.

   Those who accept me for who I am, flaws and all, are the ones who I'll fight for as much as I fight myself.
   I might act and look younger than I am, but that's where people underestimate me. :)

   Another song seems to be in order. I don't own the rights, all that blah blah. This one is just instrumental, the trailer music to Pan. I can't stop listening to it lately. It's just so powerful and beautiful. I hope you like it as much as I do.

-Kayla

Stay

   Hey, everyone.

   Days are long and sometimes hard. I still have times when a single thought can ruin my whole day. Or I think it does. Sometimes I can snap out of it. Those times are getting easier and easier to leave behind, but... I still cry when the lights go out now and then.
   The main reason I cry now is because I miss my friends so much. I mean, my new ones are great, fantastic. Some I know I'll grow very close to like I did my other ones.
   I just miss making memories. I miss being able to turn around and smile at a shared joke that no one knows but a few. They were, are, my family. Sometimes it's as if a part of me left with them.

   Maybe that's why I get so effected by the friendships that were ended so harshly. I put myself in friendships. Just when I start to open up, I get shut down.
   That's why I stayed a loner when I was younger. That's why I didn't talk to anyone, didn't try to make any really close friends. I got disappointed in the end anyway, so what was the point?
   Kicker is, I still don't want to care about how it effected me. I still care about everyone else. My friends, even someone who did the act of stabbing me in the back. I want to know why. What made them want to hurt me like that? Were they so hurt inside that they had to take it out on me? Was that all I was to them? Not really someone to share feelings or secrets with? Just an outlet?

  Over the years, I've admitted to myself that I have been deeply effected by these broken bonds. No one forgets broken trust easily, never. I'll never forget those words, never forget the feeling of having my insides torn out.

   I wanted to become a loner again. Before Carmen betrayed me, I wanted to lock myself up again. I wanted to hide away inside, not let anyone in too deep. I felt something wrong before it ever happened. I wanted to protect the people around me from what was inside. I was convinced that I would just hurt them. I felt like it was all my fault.
   But something intervened. Maybe it was because before then I'd started sharing secrets and even this one couldn't remain hidden for long. I don't know, but something made me tell Nora, Violet, and Abigail about my depression and social anxiety. True, it was all spread apart, but eventually, I trusted each to know. They were the first to know about this blog.
   They didn't let me sink back. In fact, they pulled me out. I started talking more, becoming more social. I've made friends that I can trust here, seeing the signs in them that I saw in my old friends. A few new friends I'm wary of, but that's maybe because I still see Carmen in people, too. I'm still trying to figure that out.

   Part of me is still scared to death. I've won several battles, but I don't know if I've won the war. But I can't afford to loose. There are others, others like me that I need to be there for. That's what's kept me here, I know it.
   I am here to help others like me. I'm here to bring hope for others when I know I had none.

   You can't give up. Someday someone is going to look you in the eye, shake your hand, and say "You're the reason I didn't give up."

   I want to be there for that day. What about you?

-Kayla

Heavy

   Hey everyone.

   Do you ever just have those days where you feel like a weight is on your shoulders? Where you walk around and even if you're fine, it's a good day, but it's just there in the back of your mind? I've had those days a few times recently.
   I've been getting a lot better. Really, it's great. I'm making new friends, getting past some of my fears, being myself without worrying about what anyone thinks.

   I had nearly went back again recently, though. I made a stupid mistake. It probably wouldn't make much sense to anyone why I'm so connected to a computer. But through my inattentiveness, it's now broken, probably without repair.
   Several things went through my head when it happened. "What do I do?" was the first. Next "How do I know how my relatives are doing?" Before "Jade."
   Funny thing is I didn't even think about my friends back home for a while. Not sure why, exactly, but they were one of the last things I thought of, even after Jade came in my mind. I still have yet to tell Jade's full story here, but it did involve my not paying attention before the events leading to her passing.

   That mistake was the ending of bad luck that had happened for the few days before then. I was retreating back into myself again. Something I'd swore to myself never to do again. True, it was more similar to this summer in depth, but after getting into a better state, I don't want to go back.
   I know it's not guaranteed to have a perfect record. Heck, it's not even expected that you should.

   All I want is just to know I've made headway. And I have. The pure fact that I'm more upbeat at the end of this week compared to the horrible start is something to be counted for.
   I go for the little victories. Those add up to winning the war. :)

   I'll be changing the song of the month soon. Check out the archive, anyone who has yet to. See what this blog is about.

-Kayla

Scared

   Hey, everyone. Wow, already past 1,500 views and Forgiveness has had over 250 viewings. Just shows how important it is, huh? :)

   So, have you ever dreaded a phone call? Like, something from the doctor that you fear is serious, or a missed call from your mom, or a break-up call, or something like that?

   Each of those is usually something not as bad as we think. Other times it is or worse. But most of the time, you know it's coming. You have a range of days or hours when you know you'll get the phone call and can prepare for it.

   The worst phone calls you can wait for are the ones without that time range.

   I have two relatives, each with cancer, and both very much in the older range. They've outlived the cancer for longer than the doctors said they would. But now that I'm here, I'm terrified.

   I'm in a place farther from my comfort zone, far from home. It's not like when we get a phone call about them I can just go to my room and cope. I mean, sure I love it here and I'm comfortable. But it's not the same as having somewhere to ground myself, somewhere I can anchor onto when my whole world crashes down.

   Relatives passing is nothing new to me. I experienced grief for the first time when I was very young. But I've always been home. Or I've always been able to go there not long after getting the news. Now I can't.

   I do know that I'll be okay with that though. I've been grieving for Jade a lot here and it's helped me in a way to feel safer here. I have new friends who help and an environment that feels like home away from home.

   But I'm scared of losing them while I'm gone maybe because, well, I won't be able to say goodbye. Probability points out that I won't be able to leave if they're in the hospital again or if there's a funeral.

   I've seen them both in the last few months, which was great. Still, all the 'what if's are terrifying.

   I won't tell you what those are, but I'm sure you can fill in the blanks. If it does happen while I'm here and I do manage to cope with it, I'll share how I have or am here. Maybe my experiences will help someone else. :)

-Kayla

Big Heart

   Hey everyone! It's still amazing for me to see just how many people are reading my blog now. It warms my heart. :)

   So, new stuff going on. I've been keeping busy, though not so busy that I'm totally stressed out. Which is probably a good thing, as my old friends seem to be struggling. It's hard being away from them. But as much as I hate being away from them, well... To admit, I kind of like being apart from them.

   Here, at this new place, I can start over. I can use what I learned by being around my old friends and my same moral principles I've had all my life to make a better start. No one knows me here. They don't know that I used to be the odd one out, the shy kid, the shunned one. Except for one of my new friends, no one knows of my hardships from the past year. And she understands enough to just listen and even relate with me at some parts.
   Remember that guy I've talked about sometimes? Well, my old friends don't like him anymore. One was guarded before, while another was starting to. Actually, I haven't spoken to Abigail about some new stuff that's happened, but yesterday talking with Nora and Violet was strained. Both seemed to immediately hate him after he appeared to be acting like a jerk. I honestly couldn't see it, nor could my new friend. Sure, some stuff was just stupid, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been. And, from experience with old groups of friends even before my three closest, I know it wasn't bad.
   Still, even with the apology he gave me after, Violet and Nora are still worried about me. I was able to logically talk with Violet, though not with Nora yet. Anyway, Violet and I agreed that I am okay enough to look after myself. I've got enough common sense not to get too involved with him.

   If he did ask me out in any resent time, like next week or something, I would turn him down. But not because my old friends didn't like him or anything like that. I'd ask if he'd asked the other girl's permission first (my other friend, who still doesn't know I like him) because they'd had mutual feelings toward each other, though he was a bit more pushy. I wouldn't date him until she'd said both to me and to him that it was okay.
   But even if he had and in recent future, I would still say no. And here's the reason why: Neither of us are ready yet.
   I've never been on a date. Never had a guy really show interest in me other than what my friends insist on (which I seriously doubt is a real crush on me). But I want to learn more about who I am first. I know my boundaries, so if everyone could stop reminding me to look out after that, that'd be awesome. What I'd rather know is what I should look for in a guy who is truly and selflessly into me. Someone who I know God has planned out for me. I'm willing to wait for that though.

   Now, him? Well, he's complicated. When I first met him in person, I dismissed everything I thought I knew about him. Wait, maybe that doesn't make much sense.
   Let's go back to when I met Carmen. I make instinctual decisions about people. I look at them, glance, full-on, whatever. Whatever gut feeling I get, I follow. Carmen's was the big, flashing, Stay Away. I didn't and I know where it got me.
   Back to him. I'd met him online and my friend was convincing me that he and I had crushes on each other. I kept telling her 'just friends' and guess who was right? This girl! So even over the internet, I could tell. I knew I was going to meet him in person, which made me nervous because he was the only one I'd really talked to so far that I could maybe have as a friend. Then when I first heard him, I got all jittery, not because of a crush, but because I'd been so nervous all day about coming and then meeting people, that finally relaxing made me shaky. Looking at him was different.
   I've been thinking it over since last night. I remember even the Carmen thing taking a few days to figure out because I couldn't identify just what the big negative feeling was. Remembering back to when I first saw him, one word popped into my head:
   Lost.

   He feels lost to me. He acts all confident around his new friends when I see him from afar. He jokes with me online and talks with me occasionally in person during the week. He's a bit hotheaded and stubborn, from stories I've heard and aren't hard to imagine.
   But I've seen his guard come down a few times. Sometimes for a second or even as long as a minute. He's just lost.
   My new friend that I trust, the one who knows I like him, said that he needs to grow up and 'date himself' for a while before getting back into a new relationship. And I agree, He should.

   For now, I'm going to remain his friend. He's a mix between crush and brother to me. Which one will win out? I don't care. I know God has someone planned out for me and I know they'll be the right one, whomever they may be and whenever they appear in my life.
   I can wait. But while I wait, I'm going to help others and be a friend. Because I have a big heart.
   Do I trust too easily? No. None of my new friends know about my blog and only one knows about my mental problems. I'm still very guarded, though open about being myself.
   But I care a lot. I want to help others as others have helped me. I know when to step back and I know when to stretch out a hand.
   Even if it goes against my old friends' best interests, I know what is right. I go by instinct, because when I don't even to follow the suggestions and advice by the ones who love me most, I end up getting hurt, sometimes even others as well.

   I'm not making another Carmen mistake again. I'm going to make a difference in this world, starting with inside myself.

-Kayla

Thinking Through Things

   Hey everyone! Wow, it was stunning how many of you have been reading. I mean, when I have big drops in posting and I'm absent for a while, I'm lucky to maybe get one or two page views. Imagine my surprise when I saw numbers in the twenties for the past weeks.

   One post has gotten special attention, I saw. Forgiveness. I remember writing that, very well. And, honestly, it's still hard for me to accept. I've forgiven Carmen, but now fear has replaced the anger. I've made several new advances in being more confident and more myself than I could ever be in my new environment.
   But I'm afraid of bad luck coming in and hurting it, corrupting something that I'm finally enjoying a whole lot. Like when my slowly developing trust in friendships was destroyed by Carmen. And, as silly as it sounds, I'm terrified it'll be by her again.
   No one can tell me it's a silly fear. I mean, many said that I'd never see Carmen again and not a few months later I saw her twice!
   I've forgiven her. But I'm still afraid of something going wrong again.

   My luck has always been a bit skewed. I've been having mixed luck here. Made new friends and I'm having amazing experiences. Bad luck may be getting a cold at the most inconvenient time and not knowing if I'm really falling for this one guy. Same guy I mentioned in the other post, though there was a brief new boy in between. Still, after my second potential crush turned more into a guy I may see as a brother, I think I may have fallen harder for my first crush here. I'm not even going to deny it now and just call it that.
   If anything happens, it'll happen. God works in mysterious ways. And from experience, it's way worth it to wait.

   I've been grieving for Jade again. Being here makes me miss my friends, wishing they could be a part of all this new and fun stuff I'm doing. Jade most of all. She's still being my furry little guardian angel here. I've felt her with me more than once. I think she misses me as much as I miss her.

   I'll try to post again soon. Thank you all for understanding my craziness and for reading! Make a difference in someone's life as I hope I'm doing for all of you.

-Kayla

New Days and Feelings

   Hey, everyone. Judging on how hectic things have gotten and my lack of opportunities to post, I may be posting primarily on the weekends now with maybe posts in the middle of the week. I love writing here and need some set schedule if I'm going to meet my deadlines and goals. So far, though, my making new friends and achieving new things is so spastic on a given day I can't find a time to actually sit down and write these posts! Trust me, I'm trying!

   Anyway, so I'm guessing this'll be long, which hopefully makes up for things. Least a little. :)

   In my last post, I talked about a new crush I had. Well, kind of. My feelings are kind of mixed in his case. I'm waiting it out, seeing what happens before anything else.
   Since it felt so conflicted and a bit complicated, I turned to my old friends for advice. As always, I love to hear from them, advice or no. And I got mixed input back. A great deal of it made sense, already re-iterating everything I'd already decided and figured out for myself. Just a little bit made me pause. This topic always has caused several questions to rise in my mind (so, Violet, if you read this, I'm just typing this mostly to figure it out in my own head).

   So, I was told "Feelings are nice, but they're just feelings." And that's always confused me. When you love someone, like your family, isn't that a feeling? Not to say I love this boy! I really have no idea how I feel about him other than as a good friend at this point.
   Still though, anyone ever saying that phrase has confused me. Like, is it using logic apposed to feelings? I mean, I can keep a straight head. Even if I've got a close friend, I've barely ever been blind to anyone's faults. There have been one or two mess ups, but that's usually after I've decided to ignore it. And ever since the whole Carmen deal, I doubt anything's going to happen like that again. Even with Carmen, I still was aware of something off, even if no one would tell me what it was.

   See, to me, my 'feelings' are my instincts. If it doesn't feel right to me, best thing for me to do is to stay away. Got that feeling when I first met Carmen. Ignored it and got a whole big mess later. If it feels as if I can trust someone or like they'd be a good friend, I go to that person. Violet and a few other close friends had that feeling attached, which has been some of the best decision making I've ever done.
   I don't think I was predisposed to liking this boy just by talking to him on the internet before meeting him first (new place had a FB group to go with everyone coming in). I mean, one of my new friends I'd also met there and thought, "Yeah, she's alright.", kind of indifferent, thinking we might be acquaintances and not friends completely. Meet her in person and she's already as close to me as some of my old friends. I saw immediately what he was like and what could be questionable. That's why I'm still standing back to see what happens.

   What bothers me about this situation is that this boy is one of those "wild cards". I don't mean unpredictable or anything in the normal sense. My definition of a "wild card" for a person is that I simply don't know what to think of them. No gut feeling, no looking and maybe figuring something out about them. I don't really encounter that much.
   I'm not saying I pre-judge people. Perhaps occasionally I inadvertently do so, but it's like this thing I read: "The first thought that goes through your mind is what you have been conditioned to think, what you think next defines who you are."
   I always wait for the next thought. The next thought is usually my gut instinct. It's typically not something mean, which I'm grateful for. If it's the stay away side, it's usually a natural avoidance thing that kicks in.

   Still, I'm waiting. I'm not sure what will happen, but if God has a plan, then it'll fall where it may. I don't know what will happen, but I can wait. I mean, I've made it this far without having or really wanting a love life. I'm perfectly fine waiting some more. :D
   (Though, if anyone's welcome to maybe give advice via anonymous email form on the left column, that'd be great in this "what's going on?" period.)

   Now, new song of the month! I love this one, but I don't own it because to get this song, the CD has to be imported because for some reason, they don't have this track on any of the American version of the albums (which makes no sense because it's an American show). Don't judge! It's one of the few rare songs which doesn't have romance in it, which I find fantastic. Anyway, rights all go to BTR and enjoy the song!

-Kayla