My Story

   This has been a long time coming, both in posting and in telling this. This being my story.
   I'll start by saying that all the names here I use are fictional. This is to keep others mentioned here private and to protect my own privacy. I started out that way and will continue to do so. The story and people, however, are very much true and real.
   I'm still a Christian girl, that is very true. I do have depression and anxiety, though those have lessened considerably since my last post.

   I started this when I was in high school and into college. For my senior year, while most everyone else had a good time, mine was less. Though this was mostly in my own mind, as far as anyone else could see.
   The summer before was not great. I was losing a friend as she transferred schools and feared I may lose another as the summer wore on. This is when I finally realized and admitted I had depression and social anxiety.
   Things got better when we came back to school, as I still had a small support system and my other friend had not left. But then everything just started going downhill as the stress of getting ready for college set in.
   It was still relatively normal as we came into a new calendar year. Just as I started to get better again, finally being able to reach out to Carmen, the friend who'd left, everything collapsed.
   I got blown off time and again whenever I'd try to figure out when something was wrong with one of my friends who'd stayed. I won't say which, for privacy. I also got brushed aside when I'd try to contact Carmen sometimes. Nothing made sense to me and I didn't know what was going on.
   So, finally, I snapped. I confronted both friends when we were on break and told them to prove that I meant something to them or our friendship was over. That was when I found out from one that the two had talked behind my back on at least two occasions. She was very apologetic and I forgave her, of course. I did with Carmen as well, but that was not why our friendship shattered.
   I broke off my friendship with Carmen because I could see to her, I was just a cast-away friend. I didn't mean much to her in the first place, so I didn't expect that to change after I found out something like this. She even said that she didn't even care and told me not to contact her again.
   I did a few times, though. Not via phone as I had before. Once through another friend to tell her I forgave her. The reply to that wasn't the nicest, with Carmen saying that she felt she'd done nothing wrong and that we should just leave our friendship as a memory. Well, that's what I can remember of her emailed reply.

   That was what hurt the most. Having someone I'd confided in ripped away from me like that. It was like losing Jade, but worse. I knew I shouldn't have trusted Carmen from the start, but I did anyway because I was a kind person. I saw she needed some friends, so I reached out and became one. I proceeded to trust her with other memories that lead to my social anxiety, considering her to be one of my closest friends.
   How could it not feel like I was being stabbed in the chest when she told me that I'd never opened up to her?

   Whether she meant to or not, that was one of the big factors that came to my darkest day. When I was so tired and upset and hurt that I told myself that if I died then, no one would notice or care. The day when I wanted nothing more than to end my own life.
   I don't know completely how I snapped out of it, except something very personal that made me stronger in my faith. But I'm here now and that's why I started this blog.
   I wanted to do something, give hope for others so that maybe they would find something to hold onto in a dark day. Something where I would bring a little more light than dark in this broken world.

   I did reach out to Carmen again a week later, sending one last email to tell her exactly what I thought about hers. And I saw her in person some months later along with reaching out to her on FB after I found out she'd been bullied. I think I wrote about those last reach-outs in past posts.

   Since coming to college, I have had a few more days where I want to re-enact that day. Though the urge was less intense, it was still strong. So, I did start counseling and made a really great support group of my new friends, along with keeping some of the old. Near Christmas, someone jokingly asked if I'd ever wanted to kill myself, to which I gave a calm, but a bit short-tempered, retort continuing the topic that'd been going on before that. I had a near shut down after that, but I was able to talk to a friend through it. Maybe that's what made me snap out of it more, having someone there and not avoiding my fear of that day.
   I made a significant increase in getting better as we came into this new year. It's gotten to the point where I may even be ending counseling soon. I've had a rough couple of weeks recently, as that's when most of this story reached its year point. But I've had friends to help me through it and I'm stronger now in myself than I was then. And maybe some of it has to do with the fact I have my boyfriend now. :) (And no, this isn't the guy I was going on about. This one is very sweet and caring and I love him very much. He understands all of this, going through depression and anxiety himself, helping me though rough days as I help him through his. He's my best friend.)

   Which is why, I have to ask. Should I continue this blog? Come up with new entries every week and continue? Or should I just leave it up, not adding anymore?
   I don't get emails like I used to and not many comments either. Am I really helping or no?

   Please reply in some way. I keep everything anonymous and do my very best to never judge a soul. Have I helped in any way with this blog?

   I'll come back in a few days, checking my email and everything else until then. I'll decide then the fate of my blog. I'll also put my story on the My Story page for quick analysis.

   See you all in a few days.

-Kayla

Being

   Hey, everyone.

   Sometimes, being yourself is hard. After a while, you become someone people expect of you. You change a little bit, and those closest to you gawk, wondering why. So you go back to "normal" around them. It's not easy to change.

  Which is why I like the opportunity to be in a new place. I don't have to be that same girl anymore. Quiet, scared, alone.
   The thing is, when no one else is around, I'm like that again. It's not easy. I still have depression, I still have social anxiety. Making new friends is great, it's just... Well, it's the same questions I've had before. Who'll stay? Who'll go? Will it be my fault, or a choice of theirs?

   Sometimes I wish I could just run. Maybe not away, because I don't want to leave my mess for others to clean up. I just want to run, to fly, just for one minute, just to feel free.

   Which is why:
   I write-     To discover more of who I am.
   I sing-       To feel my strength come through me.
   I talk-        To help others and myself.
   I believe-  To have hope when there is none.
   I am me.

   Song of the month will go for the last few days of this month and December. I'm surprised I didn't change it when I posted a few weeks ago.
   Credits go to the writers/singer/everyone else who went into this song:

-Kayla

Not Defined

   Hey, everyone. I now see why my favorite bloggers don't post every day. It's not because they don't care. Life just gets in the way.
   Which is why I'm going to try coming back.

   Recently, I've been having a hard time again. I love helping other people, but sometimes it's hard when you don't know what to do or say because you don't have any experience to help yet. Definitely going to try, though.

   But that's not what today's post is for. Today I've been thinking about Labels. I mean, I've talked about them before in previous posts, I believe.
   I haven't thought it before, but having Depression and Anxiety can be turned into labels. Personally, I haven't experienced that. Which is the only reason why I haven't really brought that up.
   It shouldn't define you, these labels. If people tell you how you should feel, I know it's not easy to ignore them, but unless they've been though something similar, they don't know what you're going through. They are not you. Don't let them tell you who you are.

   I'm not perfect, and I own that. I'm going to find someone who accepts me for who I am, like my friends now do. Someone who knows my flaws, but doesn't judge or try to fix them for me. Someone who just stands by my side, doesn't leave when things get hard, and lets me fight my own demons. Because the only way I can get rid of it is to do it myself. Yes, I need the help of others, my friends mostly. But it's still my war.
   It's never easy. And don't let anyone tell you "If you just did this..." or "Why don't you just stop doing this?" Because it's complicated. You know that. I know that. It takes time and hard work. Like battle strategy, sometimes quite literally.

   We're not defined by our "labels." They're a part of who we are, but they are not the summary of our existence.
   I'm adding some quotes here. All credits go to those whom the quotes belong.

-Kayla

I'm Back!

   Hey, guys. I'm so sorry for the month long absence. Times have been rough. Nothing really bad has happened, though I did have a breakdown, which my new friends were able to help with. Speaking of which, I've got something to ask.

   Now, I made this blog to help others like me. Others with depression and social anxiety. Anyone and everyone seeking words of comfort or support. Sadly, in recent months, I've been lacking in my promise to be here. I finally actually fulfilled my promise just this week to look for counseling.
   But I don't know how ready I am to come back here. It's been hard. And I need advice on what I think is a really stupid matter, at least to me it is.

   Remember those posts about liking some guy? Well, I thought I didn't like him anymore, but I still do, apparently. Being tired these past few days sort of revealed my subconscious feelings to my conscious mind again.
   I trust him, as much as my friends who I had to separate from some months ago. He's got those red flags, of course, but I'm also watching him grow up as these weeks go by. I found out that I'm falling for his potential self rather than his actual self, which stayed my feelings for a while. But, as I said, they're back.
   The only problem is that he likes someone else. Well, that's not the only problem, but it's a main one. I know nothing will ever come of my feelings for him. And I want to stop letting my feelings for him occasionally run my mood for the day, which has luckily only happened maybe three times in a little more than three months.

   Part of me wants to tell him. I mean, I've confided so much already and this secret is tearing me apart. How can I tell myself I fully trust my friend when I can't even tell him this?
   If I do tell him, it probably would be awkward for a while, but it seems like when he's talking with me, he's kinder than what most see. I know only a few others have seen it as well. He might just help me to get over him.

   But you're probably wondering why I'm blabbing on about some guy I met some months ago. The truth is, I need some advice.
   If you know anyone or can think of anything yourself, please comment or anonymously email me using the side form (found in the website, not mobile, version).
   He's growing to become one of my best friends. And I don't want to jeopardize that with some stupid crush. Please, help.

-Kayla

A Child

   Hey, everyone.

   So, before getting into what I want to talk today, I'm not sure about something. I don't want a boyfriend. Frankly, I'm not sure if I'd even have time for one, judging on how much I procrastinate and need to get things done. But, at the same time, I... kind of... do. Want a boyfriend, that is.
   Someday. I know someday I'll have a boyfriend and get married. I want a love like Amy and Rory's. Annabeth and Percy's. Bones and Booth's. Someday. I can wait. :)

   To the topic for today, I've been thinking about age again. I made a post, back when I was first starting here on this topic. Sort of. It was about gullibility and such. Some have been commenting that I'm such a child recently, so I've been thinking it over and came to a conclusion.
   I purposely act younger than I really am. The way I dress, sometimes make myself hyper, still have my stuffed animals. All of that is on purpose.
   I never wanted to grow up. I didn't want to get hurt, didn't want to go through what life had to throw at me. But I did. I still am. Stuff is still hard sometimes. I've been lying awake some nights, imagining Carmen coming here, ruining one of the few places I've never seen her. In my mind, I'm still angry as much as I was before. Even though I was civil at our last meeting, I don't know if that was just because other people that knew me were there. Now I'm some place new... Well, I'm not sure how I'd react.
   Still, I didn't want to be like this. I didn't want to be hurt, to be sad, to be betrayed. But there are other people in this world who don't think about that when they act as they do. Even I have slipped up sometimes.

   The reason I act or dress the way that I do is because even though I went through all this stuff, even though it still hurts like heck, I keep my childishness as much as I can. In my eyes, I can barely see it now. But it keeps up the illusion to other people.
   Well, sort of. To the others like me, or the ones I let in, they can see behind my mask. They can see the hurt, the things I don't want the world to.
   When they do, it's just a matter of waiting. Who will stay? Some only stay for the good days, like Carmen. They don't like the bad days, tend to act the harshest then. The ones who I feel matter more are the ones who stay, even after I get angry or cry. My best friends. Maybe some new as well.

   Those who accept me for who I am, flaws and all, are the ones who I'll fight for as much as I fight myself.
   I might act and look younger than I am, but that's where people underestimate me. :)

   Another song seems to be in order. I don't own the rights, all that blah blah. This one is just instrumental, the trailer music to Pan. I can't stop listening to it lately. It's just so powerful and beautiful. I hope you like it as much as I do.

-Kayla

Stay

   Hey, everyone.

   Days are long and sometimes hard. I still have times when a single thought can ruin my whole day. Or I think it does. Sometimes I can snap out of it. Those times are getting easier and easier to leave behind, but... I still cry when the lights go out now and then.
   The main reason I cry now is because I miss my friends so much. I mean, my new ones are great, fantastic. Some I know I'll grow very close to like I did my other ones.
   I just miss making memories. I miss being able to turn around and smile at a shared joke that no one knows but a few. They were, are, my family. Sometimes it's as if a part of me left with them.

   Maybe that's why I get so effected by the friendships that were ended so harshly. I put myself in friendships. Just when I start to open up, I get shut down.
   That's why I stayed a loner when I was younger. That's why I didn't talk to anyone, didn't try to make any really close friends. I got disappointed in the end anyway, so what was the point?
   Kicker is, I still don't want to care about how it effected me. I still care about everyone else. My friends, even someone who did the act of stabbing me in the back. I want to know why. What made them want to hurt me like that? Were they so hurt inside that they had to take it out on me? Was that all I was to them? Not really someone to share feelings or secrets with? Just an outlet?

  Over the years, I've admitted to myself that I have been deeply effected by these broken bonds. No one forgets broken trust easily, never. I'll never forget those words, never forget the feeling of having my insides torn out.

   I wanted to become a loner again. Before Carmen betrayed me, I wanted to lock myself up again. I wanted to hide away inside, not let anyone in too deep. I felt something wrong before it ever happened. I wanted to protect the people around me from what was inside. I was convinced that I would just hurt them. I felt like it was all my fault.
   But something intervened. Maybe it was because before then I'd started sharing secrets and even this one couldn't remain hidden for long. I don't know, but something made me tell Nora, Violet, and Abigail about my depression and social anxiety. True, it was all spread apart, but eventually, I trusted each to know. They were the first to know about this blog.
   They didn't let me sink back. In fact, they pulled me out. I started talking more, becoming more social. I've made friends that I can trust here, seeing the signs in them that I saw in my old friends. A few new friends I'm wary of, but that's maybe because I still see Carmen in people, too. I'm still trying to figure that out.

   Part of me is still scared to death. I've won several battles, but I don't know if I've won the war. But I can't afford to loose. There are others, others like me that I need to be there for. That's what's kept me here, I know it.
   I am here to help others like me. I'm here to bring hope for others when I know I had none.

   You can't give up. Someday someone is going to look you in the eye, shake your hand, and say "You're the reason I didn't give up."

   I want to be there for that day. What about you?

-Kayla

Heavy

   Hey everyone.

   Do you ever just have those days where you feel like a weight is on your shoulders? Where you walk around and even if you're fine, it's a good day, but it's just there in the back of your mind? I've had those days a few times recently.
   I've been getting a lot better. Really, it's great. I'm making new friends, getting past some of my fears, being myself without worrying about what anyone thinks.

   I had nearly went back again recently, though. I made a stupid mistake. It probably wouldn't make much sense to anyone why I'm so connected to a computer. But through my inattentiveness, it's now broken, probably without repair.
   Several things went through my head when it happened. "What do I do?" was the first. Next "How do I know how my relatives are doing?" Before "Jade."
   Funny thing is I didn't even think about my friends back home for a while. Not sure why, exactly, but they were one of the last things I thought of, even after Jade came in my mind. I still have yet to tell Jade's full story here, but it did involve my not paying attention before the events leading to her passing.

   That mistake was the ending of bad luck that had happened for the few days before then. I was retreating back into myself again. Something I'd swore to myself never to do again. True, it was more similar to this summer in depth, but after getting into a better state, I don't want to go back.
   I know it's not guaranteed to have a perfect record. Heck, it's not even expected that you should.

   All I want is just to know I've made headway. And I have. The pure fact that I'm more upbeat at the end of this week compared to the horrible start is something to be counted for.
   I go for the little victories. Those add up to winning the war. :)

   I'll be changing the song of the month soon. Check out the archive, anyone who has yet to. See what this blog is about.

-Kayla