Hey, everyone,
Well, so I've decided something. I'll be keeping this blog up for as long as I can, but once I start the seperateYouTube in who knows how long, I'll probably be posting less. The reason mostly being that new start I mentioned in the last post, also to avoid repeating content. I'll be saying whatever comes to my mind, similar to how I do here. Though less filtered in videos, I think. We'll see.
To the actual post, though, I've been shifting. A lot. Like, earlier I was slammed into feeling like a girl again when I felt like a boy for days. No idea what happened to cause it. Then I was neutral for the rest of the day, going into male feeling for a while, before going back to neutral where I am now. (It's been a few days since I wrote this, so I was neutral for a long while and now I'm back to more male-sided.)
Mostly, I'm pretty sure I'm shifting so much is because the rest of me is trying to catch up with these realizations. Part of me is still trying to revert back to my repressed self while most of me is doing its best to let loose. And I'm perfectly fine just riding it out. Like, I'll go most of the day without even thinking about it and then there's a shift, so the thoughts come back.
Anyway, I know I can handle this. I know I can figure it out. After all, it's not something I can just go to counseling or be diagnosed for like I would for my depression, anxiety, or ADHD. Because not being straight and/or not being cisgender isn't a mental illness. There are sexual disorders, but those are all externally caused and have nothing to do with what gender (or non-gender) you're attracted to. Except for pedophilia, but that's a whole different can of worms. (Seriously, there are people who try and have "gender doesn't matter so age shouldn't matter" in a campaign to add in people who are attracted to children into the LGBT+ community; I say I don't like judging, but that's just honestly messed up.)
Gender dysphoria is, however, a mental illness, but not everyone who is non-binary or trans has that. Gender dysphoria, according to my class textbook, can only really be determined when the patient themselves is extremely distressed by their dysphoria. This dysphoria has to do with having someone identify as a certain gender, but their body doesn't match what's in their head. It's distressing to the point that it can cause severe depression and distress in someone.
Like, I have dysphoria to a point so I might have been diagnosed a while back if I knew there was something for how I felt. Still, I'm more upset by my dysphoria when I don't know what's going on, but that's the same as how I feel with most problems in my life (aka, probably more just my anxiety causing issues). Since researching more and more about being non-binary and the possibility I might actually be genderfluid, my dysphoria I felt even a few days ago has significantly lessened. I feel less disconnected from myself, which has been a relieving feeling.
And friends. I'll never be more thankful for the friends I trusted with this information. I mean, one of them (that I know of) has recently been looking up info on what non-binary is. Not sure if that's because of me. Either way, it's still great because they're able to tell me information they found when I hadn't found it yet and was growing confused. For example, the other day I felt like a guy and girl at the same time and they told me that they'd seen that mentioned in a few places, so they understood the theory. And that's how I figured out there's a high chance I'm genderfluid. The more I've relaxed, the more I've become comfortable with letting myself shift rather than repressing it. Which is probably why it seems out of control sometimes. It is stabilizing, though.
Also, for anyone who's curious, this is the definition of genderfluid I've found that I relate most to (which is I believe most of those identifying this way): can identify as male, female, both, or neither at different times. So, that scale I mentioned in earlier posts is a bit more wibbly-wobbly than I thought. But, honestly, I'm okay with that. Going by they/them and being called by my gender-neutral name (although not said a lot yet) has been helping a ton, regardless of the gender I'd currently be experiencing. I'm still okay with she/her and my real name, but I'm not going to be surprised anymore if that changes.
I'll talk in the next post about misgendering and the effects of that and how to help. Like, I've been learning about it with my research and it's actually something that's helped a lot (which is weird). Anyway, that's for another post.
See you in the next one!
-Kay
Saturday, August 25, 2018
Wednesday, August 22, 2018
Everything is Fluid
Hey, everyone,
So, as promised, here's me gonna be going on about being non-binary. I've been holding off, mostly because I'm planning on moving on to another platform someday. Probably not in relation to this blog, though. Yeah, covering the same message and basic format, but in what I'm thinking about, it'll just be me and fewer people will know the face behind it. As it is, I've been realizing how many friends I thought didn't read this blog after my initial introducing it to them are actually still reading it, I want to get a better fresh start.
Mainly, the primary reason more has to do with the topic here.
See, I started this blog way back when. Before I learned more about myself. Before I started reaching out more in my views of faith and became more accepting of the people and ideas around me. I understand all the teachings of the Church, but I don't always agree with some teachings that some Christians have been taught or are teaching. And that's not to say I'm right or they're wrong. That's just my personal faith journey.
I also started this blog before I started accepting myself. Yeah, sure, I'd accepted I had anxiety and depression and all the fun stuff to go along with it. But I hadn't accepted everything else about myself like I thought I had.
We live in a cisgender heteronormative culture. Or at least, I do. That's not the same around the world. And I think people forget that sometimes. Anyway, my point is, any deviation and it was wrong, odd, more than what I was already presenting to everyone. I mean, I was always the odd-ball out, the quiet one, the loner (the last one not always by choice, but that's a different issue). Either way, I've been looking back and seeing just how much I repressed everything. It's grown even more apparent as I've stopped (for the most part?) holding it back.
Before I think I said in a previous post, I said I didn't stray far into the guy side of that 1-10 scale. I'm starting to think I was wrong after the past four days. For some reason, I kept shifting more and more into that side. It didn't feel weird or different, but it was a little confusing at first. Mostly because I didn't realize that was what was happening.
That is, until I came to the realization that, yeah, maybe I don't know how a guy feels to base myself off of, but also that not all guys are the same. Just like not all girls are the same. So, like, the only base I can go off of is me, and I'm not even an "average girl" when in that mindset. Once I realized these things, the image of me as a guy popped up in my mind. Usually, things like that take time to conjure up. But the speed of this one made me realize that it's probably been in my subconscious for a while. And in looking at me, in that form, if you will...
It was amazing. Like, one of the first signs, to me, that I really couldn't be making this up. The dysphoria and moments where I didn't feel at place in my body, those weren't fake. Those feelings, which I'd been having for years, that wasn't all in my head anymore. They had names(non-binary, genderfluid, etc), there was a face, there was a voice. There was me.
Another moment (not long after) would be when Felix called me by the genderneutral name I'd been thinking about and run by him as something to maybe call me by sometimes. In that moment, paired with the other words around it, I was so happy that I cried, which is rare. I'll often say I'll be so happy that I'll cry, but it rarely actually happens. The three times I can remember all involve Felix, though.
Anyway, so to that title up there, I've also been thinking about my sexuality. Basically, (I think!) when I'm more neutral in the gender category, either no gender or feeling somewhat both, then I'm more ace. But when I'm in either specific gender mindset (1-3.5 or 6.5-10 on the scale), then I'm feeling more demi/bi. Not 100% sure, but that's where it's at right now.
My sexuality and gender are both as fluid as the other, that much I do know. I might start saying I'm gender fluid now rather than non-binary, but I think I'll stay with the latter for some time yet because I'm not all sure.
Either way, it's been a long several weeks and I'm signing off for the night. See you in the next post!
-Kay
(PS, I'm gonna come up with a better name here, because that one is odd to me)
So, as promised, here's me gonna be going on about being non-binary. I've been holding off, mostly because I'm planning on moving on to another platform someday. Probably not in relation to this blog, though. Yeah, covering the same message and basic format, but in what I'm thinking about, it'll just be me and fewer people will know the face behind it. As it is, I've been realizing how many friends I thought didn't read this blog after my initial introducing it to them are actually still reading it, I want to get a better fresh start.
Mainly, the primary reason more has to do with the topic here.
See, I started this blog way back when. Before I learned more about myself. Before I started reaching out more in my views of faith and became more accepting of the people and ideas around me. I understand all the teachings of the Church, but I don't always agree with some teachings that some Christians have been taught or are teaching. And that's not to say I'm right or they're wrong. That's just my personal faith journey.
I also started this blog before I started accepting myself. Yeah, sure, I'd accepted I had anxiety and depression and all the fun stuff to go along with it. But I hadn't accepted everything else about myself like I thought I had.
We live in a cisgender heteronormative culture. Or at least, I do. That's not the same around the world. And I think people forget that sometimes. Anyway, my point is, any deviation and it was wrong, odd, more than what I was already presenting to everyone. I mean, I was always the odd-ball out, the quiet one, the loner (the last one not always by choice, but that's a different issue). Either way, I've been looking back and seeing just how much I repressed everything. It's grown even more apparent as I've stopped (for the most part?) holding it back.
Before I think I said in a previous post, I said I didn't stray far into the guy side of that 1-10 scale. I'm starting to think I was wrong after the past four days. For some reason, I kept shifting more and more into that side. It didn't feel weird or different, but it was a little confusing at first. Mostly because I didn't realize that was what was happening.
That is, until I came to the realization that, yeah, maybe I don't know how a guy feels to base myself off of, but also that not all guys are the same. Just like not all girls are the same. So, like, the only base I can go off of is me, and I'm not even an "average girl" when in that mindset. Once I realized these things, the image of me as a guy popped up in my mind. Usually, things like that take time to conjure up. But the speed of this one made me realize that it's probably been in my subconscious for a while. And in looking at me, in that form, if you will...
It was amazing. Like, one of the first signs, to me, that I really couldn't be making this up. The dysphoria and moments where I didn't feel at place in my body, those weren't fake. Those feelings, which I'd been having for years, that wasn't all in my head anymore. They had names(non-binary, genderfluid, etc), there was a face, there was a voice. There was me.
Another moment (not long after) would be when Felix called me by the genderneutral name I'd been thinking about and run by him as something to maybe call me by sometimes. In that moment, paired with the other words around it, I was so happy that I cried, which is rare. I'll often say I'll be so happy that I'll cry, but it rarely actually happens. The three times I can remember all involve Felix, though.
Anyway, so to that title up there, I've also been thinking about my sexuality. Basically, (I think!) when I'm more neutral in the gender category, either no gender or feeling somewhat both, then I'm more ace. But when I'm in either specific gender mindset (1-3.5 or 6.5-10 on the scale), then I'm feeling more demi/bi. Not 100% sure, but that's where it's at right now.
My sexuality and gender are both as fluid as the other, that much I do know. I might start saying I'm gender fluid now rather than non-binary, but I think I'll stay with the latter for some time yet because I'm not all sure.
Either way, it's been a long several weeks and I'm signing off for the night. See you in the next post!
-Kay
(PS, I'm gonna come up with a better name here, because that one is odd to me)
Saturday, August 11, 2018
Kindness Gone Sour
Hey, everyone,
I've been thinking a lot since my last post. I'm still going to hold myself to what I said there and stay true to that. Because lashing out at others isn't fun, for either side.
I will say, though, to anyone reading this, not just to any friends of mine, but if the idea or mention of talking behind someone's back makes you feel guilty, even years afterward, something is up. And I'm not saying you still do it, far from that. But it's something to remember.
Like, I do, occasionally. Mostly because I used to get roped into that type of thing and then later did it on my own a few times. True, it wasn't as bad and I would always tattle on myself to the person after, but still. Even now if I say something negative to one friend about another when the other isn't around, I make sure it's something that I can talk to the other person about in a constructive manner. (Also because typically when I do this it's to get pointers about how to talk to said person.)
The reason why I'm bringing this up again is that two things happened. One, I saw a quote I've read before and thought I should share here. And, two, a friend from college who mentioned they talked behind my back reached out to me about it. I'll explain more after the quote.
Now, to what the friend said. Basically, I'd told them before that I was upset they did that, though left out personal reasons why because I wasn't sure what they would do with that information. Then, like I said, recently they reached out to me out of the blue and asked me if I was still mad. I dunno, maybe they read this blog. Or know my personal FB. Whatever the reason, something they said struck a chord in me.
At first, they said so we can move past it. And I was like, okay, fine. Some more conversation went along and their conversation went in more of the direction of "So I can move past it." Suddenly it wasn't we anymore. It was them. And that left me confused. I still said apologizes and stuff because I do feel bad when I've hurt someone when being upset. But should I still be friends with that person?
To clarify, this person hasn't treated me how I think a friend should treat another. They know about my bad days, but almost seem like they avoid me when I have them. Then when I talk about my interests, I'm either dismissed or treated as if I'm not worth their time. With the conversation, I realized that I was apologizing more for being hurt than they were about hurting me. Even if it was only months ago and we've barely spoken about it since then, why did they suddenly decide I needed to be the one to apologize for their wrongdoing?
And yet, if they reach out to me to hang out, I'll put my plans aside. If they're stressed and trying to talk to me to let it out, I'll do my best to sit and listen. Because I really don't like to leave someone on a bad day. I know how it feels, even from my own family members.
Truthfully, I will say when I'm having an off day, I will let them know I can't talk, usually only if they're just bringing up the same problems. Like, another friend of mine just will. not. stop. talking. about. guys. I understand she does have self-esteem issues, though, for reasons I'll keep private. But still, I've had to draw the line when my own mental health is at risk. I'm no help to anyone if I burn out. Not to say I won't help them when I'm having a good day, because of course I will, no matter how repeated the subject is. It's draining, but I know it helps them sometimes.
Anyway, any friend who's been starting to treat me like the person I was mentioning, I'm honestly considering dropping as well as the obviously bad ones. They're good to talk to and I enjoy talking to them. But if I'm either a) not being treated right and/or b) know they have a history (more current and frequent) of talking behind other's backs, I don't see that friendship working out. My "good heart" everyone keeps telling me I have, starts growing cold. And I notice the ones who told me they were my "good friend" start changing that view once I start growing into my own person and more confident. And by this I mean, I start questioning more of their treatment of me and they try telling me I'm the one in the wrong. Like with the person I was mentioning. I asked them why they didn't make time for me like I would for them and they said "Well, I'm busy and I'm already doing a lot of the work in our friendship. What about you? I mean, I didn't ask you to stop [such and such a thing] to hang out with me."
Friendships should be equal. You give and take, not one or the other. I've found in most friendships I'll give and give with not a lot given back, in any way shape or form. Then there are times where I'll see myself taking a lot and I snap myself out of it and change tactics as best and as soon as I can. Actually, this includes any relationship in general. Friends, significant other, family, or anyone else.
And only, only, if it's mentioned or asked about, I'll add in my two cents about how a bad friend has treated me poorly if someone else is being treated the same way by that person. Because the last thing I want to do is influence people to choose my side, as I'm only one person and I don't always know the other side. But it's still something to think about. And something that needs to be stopped, desperately. Like, the reason I felt so sick doing anything remotely close to talking bad about someone is that there was no pleasure from it. Where's the gain in putting someone down for being who they are? That's never made sense to me.
I'd try and promise again not to talk about this type of thing anymore, but honestly, I don't think I can. I'm going to keep it more anonymous in who I talk about, but since this seems to follow me around for basically my entire life now. Plus, I created this blog after it happened to me significantly two years ago. Bullies aren't something I'll approve of. Ever. Whether it's obvious or subtle, it's something I'll combat as much as I do my own issues. There are too many people out there like me. Too many. And it has to stop.
So if you know someone who's done any of this, you've done this yourself, have been a victim, or all of the above, work together to stop it. And, friends, that includes me. If anyone reads this and knows me personally and I've hurt you in this way, please tell me. I want to stop it, even if I've been the bad guy.
Trust me, I'm going to try to talk about being non-binary in the next post. But it's summer and getting closer to September. That's around the same time when I would get really bad so I might be posting more like this. Which isn't bad. I know someone out there, or many someones, would benefit from hearing this. Mostly to know they aren't alone. And that's why I made this blog. So people like me didn't feel alone anymore.
-Kay
I've been thinking a lot since my last post. I'm still going to hold myself to what I said there and stay true to that. Because lashing out at others isn't fun, for either side.
I will say, though, to anyone reading this, not just to any friends of mine, but if the idea or mention of talking behind someone's back makes you feel guilty, even years afterward, something is up. And I'm not saying you still do it, far from that. But it's something to remember.
Like, I do, occasionally. Mostly because I used to get roped into that type of thing and then later did it on my own a few times. True, it wasn't as bad and I would always tattle on myself to the person after, but still. Even now if I say something negative to one friend about another when the other isn't around, I make sure it's something that I can talk to the other person about in a constructive manner. (Also because typically when I do this it's to get pointers about how to talk to said person.)
The reason why I'm bringing this up again is that two things happened. One, I saw a quote I've read before and thought I should share here. And, two, a friend from college who mentioned they talked behind my back reached out to me about it. I'll explain more after the quote.
Now, to what the friend said. Basically, I'd told them before that I was upset they did that, though left out personal reasons why because I wasn't sure what they would do with that information. Then, like I said, recently they reached out to me out of the blue and asked me if I was still mad. I dunno, maybe they read this blog. Or know my personal FB. Whatever the reason, something they said struck a chord in me.
At first, they said so we can move past it. And I was like, okay, fine. Some more conversation went along and their conversation went in more of the direction of "So I can move past it." Suddenly it wasn't we anymore. It was them. And that left me confused. I still said apologizes and stuff because I do feel bad when I've hurt someone when being upset. But should I still be friends with that person?
To clarify, this person hasn't treated me how I think a friend should treat another. They know about my bad days, but almost seem like they avoid me when I have them. Then when I talk about my interests, I'm either dismissed or treated as if I'm not worth their time. With the conversation, I realized that I was apologizing more for being hurt than they were about hurting me. Even if it was only months ago and we've barely spoken about it since then, why did they suddenly decide I needed to be the one to apologize for their wrongdoing?
And yet, if they reach out to me to hang out, I'll put my plans aside. If they're stressed and trying to talk to me to let it out, I'll do my best to sit and listen. Because I really don't like to leave someone on a bad day. I know how it feels, even from my own family members.
Truthfully, I will say when I'm having an off day, I will let them know I can't talk, usually only if they're just bringing up the same problems. Like, another friend of mine just will. not. stop. talking. about. guys. I understand she does have self-esteem issues, though, for reasons I'll keep private. But still, I've had to draw the line when my own mental health is at risk. I'm no help to anyone if I burn out. Not to say I won't help them when I'm having a good day, because of course I will, no matter how repeated the subject is. It's draining, but I know it helps them sometimes.
Anyway, any friend who's been starting to treat me like the person I was mentioning, I'm honestly considering dropping as well as the obviously bad ones. They're good to talk to and I enjoy talking to them. But if I'm either a) not being treated right and/or b) know they have a history (more current and frequent) of talking behind other's backs, I don't see that friendship working out. My "good heart" everyone keeps telling me I have, starts growing cold. And I notice the ones who told me they were my "good friend" start changing that view once I start growing into my own person and more confident. And by this I mean, I start questioning more of their treatment of me and they try telling me I'm the one in the wrong. Like with the person I was mentioning. I asked them why they didn't make time for me like I would for them and they said "Well, I'm busy and I'm already doing a lot of the work in our friendship. What about you? I mean, I didn't ask you to stop [such and such a thing] to hang out with me."
Friendships should be equal. You give and take, not one or the other. I've found in most friendships I'll give and give with not a lot given back, in any way shape or form. Then there are times where I'll see myself taking a lot and I snap myself out of it and change tactics as best and as soon as I can. Actually, this includes any relationship in general. Friends, significant other, family, or anyone else.
And only, only, if it's mentioned or asked about, I'll add in my two cents about how a bad friend has treated me poorly if someone else is being treated the same way by that person. Because the last thing I want to do is influence people to choose my side, as I'm only one person and I don't always know the other side. But it's still something to think about. And something that needs to be stopped, desperately. Like, the reason I felt so sick doing anything remotely close to talking bad about someone is that there was no pleasure from it. Where's the gain in putting someone down for being who they are? That's never made sense to me.
I'd try and promise again not to talk about this type of thing anymore, but honestly, I don't think I can. I'm going to keep it more anonymous in who I talk about, but since this seems to follow me around for basically my entire life now. Plus, I created this blog after it happened to me significantly two years ago. Bullies aren't something I'll approve of. Ever. Whether it's obvious or subtle, it's something I'll combat as much as I do my own issues. There are too many people out there like me. Too many. And it has to stop.
So if you know someone who's done any of this, you've done this yourself, have been a victim, or all of the above, work together to stop it. And, friends, that includes me. If anyone reads this and knows me personally and I've hurt you in this way, please tell me. I want to stop it, even if I've been the bad guy.
Trust me, I'm going to try to talk about being non-binary in the next post. But it's summer and getting closer to September. That's around the same time when I would get really bad so I might be posting more like this. Which isn't bad. I know someone out there, or many someones, would benefit from hearing this. Mostly to know they aren't alone. And that's why I made this blog. So people like me didn't feel alone anymore.
-Kay
Thursday, August 9, 2018
Trapped in the Corner
Hey, everyone,
So, the last post was really ranty. And I'm sorry about that, to everyone. Basically, when my fear and anxiety get a hold of me, it's really hard to shake. I mean, Violet can attest to that. We were talking about some stuff the other day and both had problems communicating to the point where we both were afraid we wrecked our friendship.
When I get anxious or feel like I'm trapped in a corner, I lash out in some direction. Not always to harm or hurt. Just to get my words out because I feel like I can't do anything else. For example, I've been playing a game called Guild Wars 2 recently where I have to go on missions and fight things. With my character, I can do ranged attacks. Sadly built in with the mechanism, if you're too overzealous in your technic, you can draw unwanted attention by accidentally targetting more enemies automatically. The "unwanted attention" in this case was I managed to lash out and do the overall undesired action. Which was to hurt others. Both in my recent conversations with Violet and in my last post.
That being said, everyone's probably sick of me talking about Carmen and Nora and I get it. Believe me, I want to stop too. It's not fair to them or me. All three of us are trying to move on with our lives without me dragging in what happened or anything after. But I'll say right now, it's not easy.
All my life, a few people keep telling me I dwell on things too much (*cough* family *cough*). Then after that, I'm like, okay... So how do you want me to not? Because in their eyes if I talk about something they believe has already been "taken care of", then it's a moot point. Right? Wrong. If I'm still talking about it and getting emotional, there's something other than the already moved on aspects that are bothering me.
The reason I'm bringing this up is that I'll talk with my therapist about Senior year as more of just an example now than an "I'm still bothered about what they did." And yeah, am I bothered about it still? Maybe? I don't know anymore, honestly. It's not about the people directly. Actually, it's really not about them specifically. It more has to do with the fact that it wasn't the first occurrence. It had happened once before to me years and years ago with an entirely different group of friends. So, of course, it would make a bigger impact on me the second time around.
Senior year was already hard on me before the whole thing happened. Honestly, I feel like I'm the one at fault for the events to happen the way they did sometimes. I didn't know what was wrong with me. My depression and anxiety were getting worse and worse and I didn't feel like I had anyone to turn to. I cried almost every night trying to find some solace in feeling... something, anything. So I would lash out at people around me, my friends who I felt like they were the only people I could trust, in a kind of warped hope that they would notice and stop me. Of course it would backfire. Why wouldn't it? No one likes being lashed out at from something that they don't know what they did.
In current anxiety terms, yeah, I still lash out at them. The old friends, I mean. Granted, I don't lash out as much at the new ones. Though I still do a little more than I should sometimes. But either way, most of the lashing is in my head because I know once the anxiety and cornered feelings are gone, that's not the "real me", in a sense. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone or make them uncomfortable. Heck, it's not even just the old friends, it's my family, too. I rarely said a word or gave a hint of how bad I was until these past few months, and yet I expected back then for them to notice and help me. Granted, there were many hints... Anyway, not the point, moving on. I'm not perfect in my approaches. So I shouldn't automatically expect everyone else to be. That's stupid. We're all human. And humans make mistakes. Duh.
Anxiety, depression, ADHD, demisexual, bisexual, non-binary, and trust. All these words come up a lot in my blog, especially now. And that's because I've been looking back on my life and looking ahead. Mostly because of those last four. Being any part of the LGBT+ community is both liberating and terrifying. You're free because you finally know you're not going crazy and there's a whole community to support you, but then you're terrified because people you know, people you care about, may not accept you. And it calls into question more of who you can trust.
Past experience tells me at some point, I'll be more over my anxieties and doubts about who I am, where I stand in life, and who's right there with me. That's what happened with the original case from many years ago. So I'm not dumb enough (right now) to say that there is a chance I'll be able to trust my old friends again. Even if it's not to the same degree as it used to be. If they were the first offense, it might be easier to trust more again. However, because someone else did the deed first, I'm more guarded. But that's not all a bad thing. It means I'm more guarded with others in my life, too. There are friends I dropped in college because I couldn't trust them with my mental illnesses, let alone my LBGT+ background. Guarded trust shouldn't mean you trust no one. It just means you should be more careful about how you go about doing things and who it's with.
Anyway, I wanted to say sorry again to all my friends, old and new alike. Lashing out at you guys is just as hard on me as it is on you guys. And I probably beat at myself more than I should for it. But honestly, it's gotten a lot better. Anyone who's current with me in my life personally knows that and even those who don't hopefully know it as well to some degree.
Either way, communication is the most important thing in any relationship. Friends, family, significant other, you name it. Heck, even during a school project. If no one talks, anyone having a problem never discussed may start to sit on it without realizing it. I can attest to that personally. (spoiler alert: it sucks)
For me, personally, I really prefer a long chat with someone rather than five minutes small talk because, otherwise, I don't get all my words out right. Then anything that needs to be talked about is talked about rather than not even mentioned. Seriously, ask anyone who talks on the phone with me. I'll sound like a stiff robot if I know it's quick. But then you get me talking and I can't shut up. It's a thing. That goes to the other side, too. I like being able to hear everyone's side, but if the other side doesn't talk... Well, then I'm a sitting lump. Back when I was little, I think I made everyone else feel like a lump. With friends since then, I think those same people want me to go back into that locked box because they don't know what to do with me now that I have a voice and more expression to me. (*cough* family *cough* (Am I throwing too much shade with a dash of pettiness? Maybe. ~I really don't care.~)) I'll probably talk about that more in depth at some point, along with the many things I've been thinking about being non-binary.
Now I'm gonna stop blathering on and leave a video here. It's more Thomas Sanders because he just came out with a new Cartoon Therapy video that's been in the works for weeks. I'm probably going to watch it again because it's really worth it. If you've got time, I encourage you to watch it, too.
I'm also gonna add a song in case anyone wants a shorter thing or two things. I really love it a lot and hope someday to sing it with friends to inspire others.
(I own nothing, all credits to the creators of the respectful things.)
-Kay
(PS I'm gonna start signing these more gender neutral-ish just to see how I feel about it; you know, they/them dealio)
So, the last post was really ranty. And I'm sorry about that, to everyone. Basically, when my fear and anxiety get a hold of me, it's really hard to shake. I mean, Violet can attest to that. We were talking about some stuff the other day and both had problems communicating to the point where we both were afraid we wrecked our friendship.
When I get anxious or feel like I'm trapped in a corner, I lash out in some direction. Not always to harm or hurt. Just to get my words out because I feel like I can't do anything else. For example, I've been playing a game called Guild Wars 2 recently where I have to go on missions and fight things. With my character, I can do ranged attacks. Sadly built in with the mechanism, if you're too overzealous in your technic, you can draw unwanted attention by accidentally targetting more enemies automatically. The "unwanted attention" in this case was I managed to lash out and do the overall undesired action. Which was to hurt others. Both in my recent conversations with Violet and in my last post.
That being said, everyone's probably sick of me talking about Carmen and Nora and I get it. Believe me, I want to stop too. It's not fair to them or me. All three of us are trying to move on with our lives without me dragging in what happened or anything after. But I'll say right now, it's not easy.
All my life, a few people keep telling me I dwell on things too much (*cough* family *cough*). Then after that, I'm like, okay... So how do you want me to not? Because in their eyes if I talk about something they believe has already been "taken care of", then it's a moot point. Right? Wrong. If I'm still talking about it and getting emotional, there's something other than the already moved on aspects that are bothering me.
The reason I'm bringing this up is that I'll talk with my therapist about Senior year as more of just an example now than an "I'm still bothered about what they did." And yeah, am I bothered about it still? Maybe? I don't know anymore, honestly. It's not about the people directly. Actually, it's really not about them specifically. It more has to do with the fact that it wasn't the first occurrence. It had happened once before to me years and years ago with an entirely different group of friends. So, of course, it would make a bigger impact on me the second time around.
Senior year was already hard on me before the whole thing happened. Honestly, I feel like I'm the one at fault for the events to happen the way they did sometimes. I didn't know what was wrong with me. My depression and anxiety were getting worse and worse and I didn't feel like I had anyone to turn to. I cried almost every night trying to find some solace in feeling... something, anything. So I would lash out at people around me, my friends who I felt like they were the only people I could trust, in a kind of warped hope that they would notice and stop me. Of course it would backfire. Why wouldn't it? No one likes being lashed out at from something that they don't know what they did.
In current anxiety terms, yeah, I still lash out at them. The old friends, I mean. Granted, I don't lash out as much at the new ones. Though I still do a little more than I should sometimes. But either way, most of the lashing is in my head because I know once the anxiety and cornered feelings are gone, that's not the "real me", in a sense. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone or make them uncomfortable. Heck, it's not even just the old friends, it's my family, too. I rarely said a word or gave a hint of how bad I was until these past few months, and yet I expected back then for them to notice and help me. Granted, there were many hints... Anyway, not the point, moving on. I'm not perfect in my approaches. So I shouldn't automatically expect everyone else to be. That's stupid. We're all human. And humans make mistakes. Duh.
Anxiety, depression, ADHD, demisexual, bisexual, non-binary, and trust. All these words come up a lot in my blog, especially now. And that's because I've been looking back on my life and looking ahead. Mostly because of those last four. Being any part of the LGBT+ community is both liberating and terrifying. You're free because you finally know you're not going crazy and there's a whole community to support you, but then you're terrified because people you know, people you care about, may not accept you. And it calls into question more of who you can trust.
Past experience tells me at some point, I'll be more over my anxieties and doubts about who I am, where I stand in life, and who's right there with me. That's what happened with the original case from many years ago. So I'm not dumb enough (right now) to say that there is a chance I'll be able to trust my old friends again. Even if it's not to the same degree as it used to be. If they were the first offense, it might be easier to trust more again. However, because someone else did the deed first, I'm more guarded. But that's not all a bad thing. It means I'm more guarded with others in my life, too. There are friends I dropped in college because I couldn't trust them with my mental illnesses, let alone my LBGT+ background. Guarded trust shouldn't mean you trust no one. It just means you should be more careful about how you go about doing things and who it's with.
Anyway, I wanted to say sorry again to all my friends, old and new alike. Lashing out at you guys is just as hard on me as it is on you guys. And I probably beat at myself more than I should for it. But honestly, it's gotten a lot better. Anyone who's current with me in my life personally knows that and even those who don't hopefully know it as well to some degree.
Either way, communication is the most important thing in any relationship. Friends, family, significant other, you name it. Heck, even during a school project. If no one talks, anyone having a problem never discussed may start to sit on it without realizing it. I can attest to that personally. (spoiler alert: it sucks)
For me, personally, I really prefer a long chat with someone rather than five minutes small talk because, otherwise, I don't get all my words out right. Then anything that needs to be talked about is talked about rather than not even mentioned. Seriously, ask anyone who talks on the phone with me. I'll sound like a stiff robot if I know it's quick. But then you get me talking and I can't shut up. It's a thing. That goes to the other side, too. I like being able to hear everyone's side, but if the other side doesn't talk... Well, then I'm a sitting lump. Back when I was little, I think I made everyone else feel like a lump. With friends since then, I think those same people want me to go back into that locked box because they don't know what to do with me now that I have a voice and more expression to me. (*cough* family *cough* (Am I throwing too much shade with a dash of pettiness? Maybe. ~I really don't care.~)) I'll probably talk about that more in depth at some point, along with the many things I've been thinking about being non-binary.
Now I'm gonna stop blathering on and leave a video here. It's more Thomas Sanders because he just came out with a new Cartoon Therapy video that's been in the works for weeks. I'm probably going to watch it again because it's really worth it. If you've got time, I encourage you to watch it, too.
I'm also gonna add a song in case anyone wants a shorter thing or two things. I really love it a lot and hope someday to sing it with friends to inspire others.
(I own nothing, all credits to the creators of the respectful things.)
-Kay
(PS I'm gonna start signing these more gender neutral-ish just to see how I feel about it; you know, they/them dealio)
Saturday, August 4, 2018
Half In, Half Out
Hey, everyone,
Two posts in one week? Holy cow! I'm on a roll! But seriously, I have a bit more serious stuff to cover. Not that everything else addressed hasn't been serious recently, but... I'm going to address something I should have made a better understanding of in my last posts.
Now, I've mentioned in my other posts, I'm only "out" to a few people. And those people I've done my best to tell personally. Or in some roundabout way like, like in this blog, for a few. However, things like being a demisexual bisexual non-binary person is a little bit hard for some people I know to be accepting of. Either that or they'll bombard me with questions that I don't have answers to yet. I mean, I only just accepted to myself that I was non-binary almost three weeks ago now.
So, among the people not in the know about any little part of it, or at least of me not telling them myself in any way shape or form, are my entire family (immediate and extended) and even some of my friends. This is because there are two things that could happen in either or both of these groups of people:
1) I could be cast out/disowned/whatever.
2) They won't understand and try to "change" me.
Because one thing I've been learning is that not everyone accepts you right away. Or they say they do, but... Things get said to others who shouldn't have known about any of that in the first place! I've had that happen to me and it didn't even have to do with being LGBT+. So I'm kind of happy I'm not friends with those specific people anymore because I know this secret I have wouldn't be for long. Either that or they would talk behind my back about it.
Yes, I'm talking about Carmen and Nora. Honestly, I wavered. A lot. I didn't know if I could trust them after that and part of me still wanted to. Heck, who am I kidding? Sometimes I still want the closeness of being able to confide things without judgment. That's probably why it hurt so much when I learned not even that was existent between us. They talked behind my back between themselves first, then later I hear from a third party that they knew about things that they couldn't have heard about except from either of those two. And the difference was, now I knew which one was involved with the more recent stuff. So yeah, they're both now kicked out of my life. A lot of wavering between that time, but it's done.
Although, one of them knows this blog exists. So if they're still reading it, read this since this is the only way I'm going to talk to you: If this leaks, I know it was you. I don't know what I'd do about it, but whatever shred of remaining trust I have will be gone forever. And if that doesn't matter? Well, actually, I feel sorry for any of your current friends. And especially for you.
Sorry, guys. I just reeeally have a problem with anyone saying something to someone else that's none of the third party's business. I talk about what happened here and to other friends in college because on here, I've changed names and I don't tell what exactly happened. I don't say what words were said, what they told me in confidence. Do I talk about what happened to me and how I found out about what they said and who told me? Yes. Because that was me directly being involved. Now, friends from college? Yeah, they know details. But that's because I know there's a 95% chance they'll never meet these two in person or otherwise (the other 5% is because I have rotten luck and apologize for it in advance).
Now, I have told a few other people who also know the other two, but I also trust these people far more to not talk. I know I can trust them, unlike the other two. And I know that no matter what I say, they'll make their own opinions of the two. I honestly don't care who's friends with who. As long as no one is getting hurt, things like that don't bother me. (And if it does bother me even a little, I ignore it because it's still none of my business who others are friends with.)
Honestly, neither of them probably read this because I made it clear at the beginning I was going to make this more faith-based. I'm planning on bringing that more to the forefront again, I promise. My personal connection to faith kind of faded to the background (kind of? not really? I'll explain in another post) for a time, but I've been getting better now and so has my faith/prayer life. Mostly it's just hard bringing it up on a blog since that's the most personal part of my life that not even my boyfriend knows what goes on sometimes unless I tell him. Like, I tell him more than most, but the time between God and me is between us.
Anyway, the bottom line to this uber long post (sorry bout that), if someone is in the LGBT+ community and they tell you that and you know they're keeping quiet about it to at least one person or more, don't tell anyone else. Okay? That's just decency.
I know for me, coming out is something I like doing personally because then I'm right there and it's not as big a lash-back as someone finding out through the grapevine. Like my family. They'd probably be super hurt to find out through someone else about all this. And I'm going to tell them, eventually. I just want to do it right when I can actually answer questions about it.
Also when I'm more positive they won't judge me for it. One thing I've found among anyone is that a surprising amount of people seem to take it as a personal offence when I'm not matching the image or idea of me that they've decided I am. I don't know why, but until I do or I know who does, I'm still not "out of the closet" yet. Half in, half out.
But it's my choice, and right, to come out when I'm ready. Not when someone else decides I should be.
Well, that was a long one and serious and venting, but in my next one, I'm planning on talking more about being non-binary. And looking back on some of my old posts about expressing yourself from oh so long ago to see how different I was then from now.
I'll be back again soon. See yah!
-Kayla
Two posts in one week? Holy cow! I'm on a roll! But seriously, I have a bit more serious stuff to cover. Not that everything else addressed hasn't been serious recently, but... I'm going to address something I should have made a better understanding of in my last posts.
Now, I've mentioned in my other posts, I'm only "out" to a few people. And those people I've done my best to tell personally. Or in some roundabout way like, like in this blog, for a few. However, things like being a demisexual bisexual non-binary person is a little bit hard for some people I know to be accepting of. Either that or they'll bombard me with questions that I don't have answers to yet. I mean, I only just accepted to myself that I was non-binary almost three weeks ago now.
So, among the people not in the know about any little part of it, or at least of me not telling them myself in any way shape or form, are my entire family (immediate and extended) and even some of my friends. This is because there are two things that could happen in either or both of these groups of people:
1) I could be cast out/disowned/whatever.
2) They won't understand and try to "change" me.
Because one thing I've been learning is that not everyone accepts you right away. Or they say they do, but... Things get said to others who shouldn't have known about any of that in the first place! I've had that happen to me and it didn't even have to do with being LGBT+. So I'm kind of happy I'm not friends with those specific people anymore because I know this secret I have wouldn't be for long. Either that or they would talk behind my back about it.
Yes, I'm talking about Carmen and Nora. Honestly, I wavered. A lot. I didn't know if I could trust them after that and part of me still wanted to. Heck, who am I kidding? Sometimes I still want the closeness of being able to confide things without judgment. That's probably why it hurt so much when I learned not even that was existent between us. They talked behind my back between themselves first, then later I hear from a third party that they knew about things that they couldn't have heard about except from either of those two. And the difference was, now I knew which one was involved with the more recent stuff. So yeah, they're both now kicked out of my life. A lot of wavering between that time, but it's done.
Although, one of them knows this blog exists. So if they're still reading it, read this since this is the only way I'm going to talk to you: If this leaks, I know it was you. I don't know what I'd do about it, but whatever shred of remaining trust I have will be gone forever. And if that doesn't matter? Well, actually, I feel sorry for any of your current friends. And especially for you.
Sorry, guys. I just reeeally have a problem with anyone saying something to someone else that's none of the third party's business. I talk about what happened here and to other friends in college because on here, I've changed names and I don't tell what exactly happened. I don't say what words were said, what they told me in confidence. Do I talk about what happened to me and how I found out about what they said and who told me? Yes. Because that was me directly being involved. Now, friends from college? Yeah, they know details. But that's because I know there's a 95% chance they'll never meet these two in person or otherwise (the other 5% is because I have rotten luck and apologize for it in advance).
Now, I have told a few other people who also know the other two, but I also trust these people far more to not talk. I know I can trust them, unlike the other two. And I know that no matter what I say, they'll make their own opinions of the two. I honestly don't care who's friends with who. As long as no one is getting hurt, things like that don't bother me. (And if it does bother me even a little, I ignore it because it's still none of my business who others are friends with.)
Honestly, neither of them probably read this because I made it clear at the beginning I was going to make this more faith-based. I'm planning on bringing that more to the forefront again, I promise. My personal connection to faith kind of faded to the background (kind of? not really? I'll explain in another post) for a time, but I've been getting better now and so has my faith/prayer life. Mostly it's just hard bringing it up on a blog since that's the most personal part of my life that not even my boyfriend knows what goes on sometimes unless I tell him. Like, I tell him more than most, but the time between God and me is between us.
Anyway, the bottom line to this uber long post (sorry bout that), if someone is in the LGBT+ community and they tell you that and you know they're keeping quiet about it to at least one person or more, don't tell anyone else. Okay? That's just decency.
I know for me, coming out is something I like doing personally because then I'm right there and it's not as big a lash-back as someone finding out through the grapevine. Like my family. They'd probably be super hurt to find out through someone else about all this. And I'm going to tell them, eventually. I just want to do it right when I can actually answer questions about it.
Also when I'm more positive they won't judge me for it. One thing I've found among anyone is that a surprising amount of people seem to take it as a personal offence when I'm not matching the image or idea of me that they've decided I am. I don't know why, but until I do or I know who does, I'm still not "out of the closet" yet. Half in, half out.
But it's my choice, and right, to come out when I'm ready. Not when someone else decides I should be.
Well, that was a long one and serious and venting, but in my next one, I'm planning on talking more about being non-binary. And looking back on some of my old posts about expressing yourself from oh so long ago to see how different I was then from now.
I'll be back again soon. See yah!
-Kayla
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