Well...

Hey, everyone.

     It's been a while, huh? Things have been crazy and there were several times in the past few months where I've wanted to post again.
     I've updated both my Tumblr and Facebook pages. You all can find me at the links below and if I haven't already, I'll add them in the description. Both are public, so if there are problems finding me, let me know.

Tumblr:
http://fightingwithmemories.tumblr.com/

Facebook:
Kayla Smith Profile Page

    So, attempting to go back into posting, I wanted to apologize. Things slip my mind very easily. That's mostly in part to the fact that with my (genetic) depression and anxiety, I have ADHD. For those of you that don't know, this stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. This term is commonly used in the Percy Jackson series, seeing as one of Rick Riordan's sons has ADHD.
    When I was diagnosed, I had what was called ADD, which wasn't the same as ADHD at the time. Now that it's more of a spectrum thing, there are two sides to ADHD. One side is the side most are familiar with, the hyperactive side. The second that used to be called ADD is kind of the same thing, but without the hyperactivity. It's called the inattentive side.
     This means that I can't concentrate as easily, but it's not as obvious as someone with hyperactivity. I can listen to someone talk for an hour, then realize I haven't heard a word they've said. I'll ask several times for things to be repeated that were said seconds ago because I couldn't pay attention. If someone asks me to do something and I get distracted on the way, I'll "forget" to do it.
     I could keep going, but there's also the danger some of you might self diagnose yourselves. That's why I try not to do my best to say I have a genetic component to depression, but still haven't been able to have the time or means to be diagnosed (the process can take several months, depending on the psychologist and their methods, not to mention the waiting period and expenses). Being in so many classes in preparation to become a clinical psychologist, I know this all too well.

     But, either way, I will do my best to keep posting on a semi-regular basis. I really do want to help more and hope I'm doing the right thing.

-Kayla

New Blogger Continued- Messi is The Bomb.com

Hey kids

It's been so long since I've posted. Almost 2 days. I've said this before but I'll say it again just so my incompetence is ingrained in your minds forever- I have no clue how to do this whole blog thing. I think it'll be more of a random collection of thoughts and ideas rather than a cohesive, structured storyline with well-developed themes and messages. I'll leave that to Kayla.

First of all, I would like to give and enthusiastic welcome to our new (est) writer, Felix the Dragon. I hope he doesn't mind me calling him that because I think it's a fantastic name. I wish I'd thought of it myself, although I'm not sure it would fit me. I can't wait to read his stuff!!

   How I picture Felix's blog-writing process; approximately 300,000 times more badass than my own.

What am I here to talk about today? I have no idea, I just know I felt like writing something and my story characters are being stubborn and I don't want to deal with them right now. I guess I'll use this post to introduce myself a little further. 

I have a confession to make. Unlike Kayla, who is extremely smart and wise (we like to call her The Prophet), I am a total jock. When I'm not reading, writing, working at the vegetable farm or playing music, I'm watching, playing, practicing or talking about sports. Anything about sports- players, teams, games, leagues, stupid referee decisions, controversies- you name it, I'm all about it. Also, I hate American football and baseball, which makes me kind of out of place among your average American sports loving crowd. My sports are soccer and basketball.

I never played sports when I was younger, but beginning in my freshman year of high school I have been so in love with them that Kayla calls me Wood (after my future husband, the all star Quidditch player.) I unfortunately had to quit soccer, my favorite sport, but I'm lucky enough to be able to play basketball for my school, so I'm not completely out of the sports world.

Anyway, the greatest soccer player in the world, and my personal favorite, is the great Lionel Messi.

Behold, Lionel Messi with FOUR (4) Ballon d'Ors (award for the best player of the year IN THE WORLD)

 I only mention this for 2 reasons.

1) Everyone should know who Lionel Messi is and I think it's a travesty that almost none of my friends ever know who he is before I tell them.

2) Look at what he can DO

   

  While I don't agree with equating mere mortals with God, I'm not ashamed to admit that I cry real tears every time I watch this. It's so beautiful.

That was a very lame blog post and has nothing to do with the theme of the blog. Honestly I just wanted an excuse to show you Messi's gloriousness. But now that i think of it, it's probably good for you to know about Messi and how in love with sports I am. It saves me having to go off on a tangent to explain it later. And it will be important, because sports are a huge part of what got me through high school and a huge reason why I am who I am, and even why I'm alive, today.

Anyway I'd better go and sleep or something.

Goodniiiiigghhhhhttttt

-Violet

Psalm 103

Temporary Problems

Hello, everyone. I'm having some problems with my last post. Not sure why, but the text is very small. I hope to fix it soon. Sorry if it confuses you. -Kayla

Friends turned Best Friends

   Hey, everybody! So, just a warning, this is gonna be super sappy, but I said early on in the makings of this blog, I share happy and random thoughts as much as I do sad thoughts on bad days. Either way, I'm about to tell you all about a very special person close to my heart in this post today.

  First, however, I want to express my thankfulness and gratitude to Violet for her post yesterday. We talked about it afterword, but it doesn't hurt to say it here as well. She's a very close friend of mine, as she's expressed and I've said in past posts. If you've been here a while, you'll notice I talk about her most out of my friends. That's because, like she comes to me, I go to her to figure out what the heck is going on in my head. Both with mental illness issues and anything to do with writing. Which is another thing, her writing is not absolute trash!!! I love reading it and so will you, I hope.
   (Also, that aerobics video was on point. XD)
   But, really, I asked her to join because most of my advice here has either come from my own intuition or something she told me and it bled into my subconscious. And I love working on things like this with her. I think asking her to join me to talk with all of you is a wonderful idea. She speaks with her own voice, which I think is something to be admired and treasured in a friend like her. :)

   Now... I'm probably going to embarrass myself and someone else very much with the rest of this post. But, to be fair, he has also been offered a place on this blog as an author when I revealed that I was the author of this blog to him. And he has accepted, so no doubt he'll get back at me for writing about this, making me go more shy than I'm about to make myself.
   If you haven't guess or missed my occasional references of him before, though no name of him has been included as of yet, I am talking about my boyfriend.

   His real name, like all mentioned here, is going to be left unknown. What he's decided to be called here is Felix. Being the dork he is, that's the name of a book character and a dragon, no less. I don't mind, though. We're both dorky and nerdy. Pretty much how we met in the first place, actually. Whether it's meeting on FB through a post I made or in person for a nerd meeting (which was sadly cancelled that day), both of our "first meetings" had something to do with being total nerds.
   Felix has been a part of my life since pretty much right around when we started college together. I honestly had no idea he'd become so important to me as the months passed by. We just grew closer as friends, not really admitting to ourselves or each other that we may like the other more than just as friends. When he told me he liked me (finally), it took me three weeks to tell him outright I returned his feelings. As cliche as it sounds, everyone knowing the truth before we did ourselves is completely true. We found that out not long after we got together when pretty much everyone admitted to us that they figured it was bound to happen.

   But, really, though, Felix means the world to me. He's helped me so much through rough days already. Whether it's been me in tears or not speaking at all, he's been there for me. In return, I've helped him through his bad days, talking with him and giving hugs. And most of this was before we even started dating!
   Honestly, I'm just happy every day when I get to wake up and I'll have a message from him because he woke up before me. It's different, I'll admit and I'm probably bias on liking his messages most when my phone vibrates. But I'm happy. Which can be said for a lot in the past year and a half.
   I mostly had that gap between November and March of no posts because that was when a remembrance of everything that had happened the year before was re-occurring. So even though I was very happy when I started dating Felix, I was afraid to get back on the blog and bring back all those memories. However, with each anniversary, if you will, that came up, Felix would do something to keep my mind off what had happened a year before. And it worked. Even when other sad memories come up and he helps talk me through them or just spends time with me, I always make sure to thank him. Because what he, and other friends, do for me on days like those are things I'll always be trying to repay.

   I miss Felix greatly at the moment. He's halfway across the world on an abroad trip through the college. We've worked it out for good nights and good mornings. I'll admit, the first week was hard. I worried constantly, whether I said so or not. But he's having a great time and we have long talks when we can, sometimes staying up later than either of us should.
   I'm really proud of him. Not just for what school work he's doing out there, but also what he's gone through up until now. Since he's going to be an author here as well, I'll leave it to him to share what parts of his story he wants told. I can say, though, that I love him very much and I thank God every day for bringing us together.

   Now, enough of the sappy talk. I'll leave it here with a song. No doubt I'll be teased about being all adorable or something. But I'll do the same to him when he writes about me, so ha!
   I don't own this song and all credits go to their rightful owners. It's just awesome. I love Really Slow Motion's music.

-Kayla

Hi I'm the New (But Actually Old Because 19 Feels Really Old) Blogger

What's up everyone!!

I just spent like an hour complaining to Kayla about how I have no idea what I'm doing or how to blog, so bear with me. I guess the first thing to do is to introduce myself. I'm Violet. I'm 19 years old and I march to the beat of my own drum, like these guys.

https://www.youtube.com/watchv=fRscYVvEFt8&list=PL2J6kLWeTPwVXB5u9SEOAtNjDHyvoc25q

                                               The spandex. The neon. Just everything. 

This wasn't a conscious choice I made, but it's hard to fit in if you don't come from the same cultural background as the people around you. I didn't grow up watching Hannah Montana or High School Musical or Camp Rock, or listening to Britney and Miley and Demi and whoever else. I watched I Love Lucy and Leave it to Beaver. My first crush was Cary Grant.

I said that like it's embarrassing but honestly, have you seen the man??

                                       Tall, dark and handsome. And so so stylish.

My favorite musicians were Louis Armstrong (thanks, Dad), Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr., Ella Fitzgerald and Judy Garland. If you haven't heard of them, a) who are you and b) who raised you? I'm totally kidding. Also I'm sorry for rambling. My point is, I don't know how to be a cool kid. If I tried, I'd make an idiot of myself. Been there, done that in 8th grade and let me tell you it was not a pretty sight.

Partly by choice, and partly by necessity, I spent a lot of time alone in my high school years, reading books or writing stories and poetry. Needless to say, my poetry was, is and always will be absolute trash. But that's not the point. It was fun.

That's how I met Kayla. We kind of gravitated toward each other, I think because we both felt a little (or a lot) out of place. I don't remember becoming friends. We always just were. Throughout high school we got closer and closer and now I love her so much that I'll need two hearts to hold all the love I have for her. We're in college this year so it's been different, but she's still the first person I think of when I need to talk about something.

I'm like her in a lot of ways. We're both Christian, although I'm Catholic and she's Methodist. We both love Doctor Who and Harry Potter probably quite too much. We like to read and write and make ridiculous jokes. We're similar in a lot of ways that aren't so fun as well. Kayla asked me to join this blog because, like her, I have some firsthand experience in the delightful and thoroughly enjoyable field of mental illness, namely depression and anxiety. It took me a while to decide to accept her invitation, partly because I didn't know if that was something I wanted to talk about publicly and partly because I was afraid it would become a temptation to wallow in self-pity, always thinking and talking about my feelings and my problems. That's something I do all too often.

                                             Actual photo of me on a daily basis.

But I thought about it a lot, and I think I've made the right decision in accepting. Kayla has done a wonderful job of not making this one of those blogs, where people go when they're miserable, hoping it'll make them feel more miserable and therefore feel better somehow. It's not a blog about mental illness, it's a blog about life and everything that comes with it- joy, fear, suffering, happiness, all the ups and downs that everyone has to go through. I probably won't keep within the strict themes of the blog every day, and I hope Kayla doesn't kill me for that, but I can promise you on the grave of my ancestors there will be nothing political. I will try to tie everything I write into the blog themes but some days I might just want to have a good laugh or talk about something exciting I've learned. I've found that those things can help the most.

So, thanks for having me! I hope you'll come back and read more of our stuff and I'm sorry in advance for all the trash I'm about to write. God Bless you all!!

-Violet

Jeremiah 1:5

New Blog Author!!!

   Hey, everyone! I have some exciting news!!!

   One friend of mine, Violet, whom I've mentioned on my blog before, has accepted my invitation to become another author for this blog! She's one of the best friends I have to talk about with these things, along with anything nerd-y, writing, and random. I'll find some way to change colors or something to differentiate her posts from mine.
   Either way, I'm super psyched to have her writing with me!!! :D

-Kayla

Time Goes By...

   Hey, everyone. I know it's been a while again. Getting back into the writing mode is harder than I thought it'd be. I'm trying, so I'm going to start how I did before. Something long and meaningful.

   When I started this blog, everything hurt. I didn't know what was going on in my life. Everything felt like it was crashing down around me. I was trying, but nothing seemed to be working.
   Now, if you've been following my blog, you know how much I hold value in friendship. Not long before I started this blog, I was stabbed in the back by one of the few I had. To add salt to the wound, I'd been dealing with heavy anxiety and depressive episodes. (I'm working on getting diagnosed for depression officially, so I'm trying to be careful in how I word this.)

   When I started, even here, behind a screen, I tried acting like I was okay. My peppy bright posts about something random were usually after when I had a day of "no thought". It hurt and I hated it. But on my worse days, I made some of my most important posts. Forgiveness, my most read, is one.
   I'm going to be honest, I didn't know how I was going to make it to the end of last year. I started going uphill, but then different events made me go back down into that hole again for varying reasons. I kept climbing, but each hit brought me down deeper again. Eventually I asked some friends to make sure I stopped dodging out of going into counseling. And, God bless them, they did. Even threatened to drag me in there themselves.

   I am so thankful for all of my friends. They mean the world to me and I don't even know how I managed to find some of them. After making a lot of quick-friends, it took some of my bad days to figure out who were real-friends. The others I don't talk to as much, mostly because they just wouldn't understand what I would go through with a split-second change.
   Now with several months now of only a few bad days, I'm still extraordinarily grateful for the friends I have. I'm making new memories that are slowly replacing the old. I've mentioned my new boyfriend a few times and he certainly helps me through a lot of all that. New, happier memories. Though I won't share how because even if they are chaste, they're still special private moments in my heart.

   My point is, time goes by. Good and bad. The worst times will pass. I don't think that I've gotten through the worst to ever happen to me, but now I have some solid footing, which I didn't really have before.
   Whatever comes, I'll be ready. And I hope to help others through their hard times, too. Cause if there's one thing I've learned from all this: You can't go through it alone.

-Kayla

Now On Tumblr!

Hey, everyone.

   Short post since it's late here, but I'm now on Tumblr! Follow the link to see my page. I'll add the link on the side bar as well.

https://fightingwithmemories.tumblr.com/

-Kayla

A New Approach

Hello, everyone.

   So, I should probably admit, I didn't know how to continue here on this blog. Mostly because my life is significantly better than it's been since around a year ago when I first created this blog. Maybe I've said that before. How am I supposed to keep writing a blog about fighting depression and anxiety when most of that has gone away? Well, it's still there, but you know what I mean.
   But I've been told through a chain of friends that maybe I should try talking about how things have gotten better. That after all that fighting and hopelessness, there is a happy ending. How I became the person I've been searching for. A person who has gone through all those problems and made it through. Someone who's proof that happy endings do come.

   Life is not done for me yet. I doubt that I will never go through hard times again very much. There are such things as relapses and there are still stupid people out there who'll make you think you're crazy for having a mental illness or think you're just making things up.
   Still, I want to keep writing here. I want to keep fighting with memories like I created this blog for. Because every day we make up new memories, new moments that make life worth living.
   I watch the show Once Upon a Time and one quote concerning that rings a bell when I think about it:
   "Life is made up of moments. Good ones, bad ones, but they're all worth living. Look for the good moments between the bad ones." -Prince Charming/ David Nolan/ Josh Dallas (all credits go to the writers of OUaT)

   I'm making new memories, good ones that make the bad ones start to disappear. People that I used to be afraid of I can now start standing up to. Even Carmen has mostly gone out of my mind. I know I ranted a lot about her, another reason why I stopped writing for a while, to her  get out of my head.
   Anyway, I know more people, I have new friends with some of the old. People who actually understand, though also those who don't, but then I don't talk to them about this. Mostly because I know there's no use trying to convince a brick wall that they're in the wrong. They'll most likely learn on their own.

   This blog was made to create hope. So, why not start by proving that it exists?

-Kayla

Updates

Hello, everyone.

   Sorry I didn't come back when I said I would. But in these past few weeks I've been thinking. I will keep this blog up and running, posting when I can. Ialso  now have a new email, now a formal email for this blog (fightingwithmemories@gmail.com). I'm not sure what will change, now that I've changed admin statuses and such. I'll figure it out later.
   Also, I may reach out onto other sites, like Tumblr. I have already done so on Pinterest and a little through FB. I'll post what updates I can on that later.

   Until then, I want to keep helping other people. I know that there can be relapses, myself having gone through a few since the last time I posted. And then there are those who still feel lost and hopeless.
   This blog is meant to help bring hope. And that is what I intend to continue doing.

-Kayla

My Story

   This has been a long time coming, both in posting and in telling this. This being my story.
   I'll start by saying that all the names here I use are fictional. This is to keep others mentioned here private and to protect my own privacy. I started out that way and will continue to do so. The story and people, however, are very much true and real.
   I'm still a Christian girl, that is very true. I do have depression and anxiety, though those have lessened considerably since my last post.

   I started this when I was in high school and into college. For my senior year, while most everyone else had a good time, mine was less. Though this was mostly in my own mind, as far as anyone else could see.
   The summer before was not great. I was losing a friend as she transferred schools and feared I may lose another as the summer wore on. This is when I finally realized and admitted I had depression and social anxiety.
   Things got better when we came back to school, as I still had a small support system and my other friend had not left. But then everything just started going downhill as the stress of getting ready for college set in.
   It was still relatively normal as we came into a new calendar year. Just as I started to get better again, finally being able to reach out to Carmen, the friend who'd left, everything collapsed.
   I got blown off time and again whenever I'd try to figure out when something was wrong with one of my friends who'd stayed. I won't say which, for privacy. I also got brushed aside when I'd try to contact Carmen sometimes. Nothing made sense to me and I didn't know what was going on.
   So, finally, I snapped. I confronted both friends when we were on break and told them to prove that I meant something to them or our friendship was over. That was when I found out from one that the two had talked behind my back on at least two occasions. She was very apologetic and I forgave her, of course. I did with Carmen as well, but that was not why our friendship shattered.
   I broke off my friendship with Carmen because I could see to her, I was just a cast-away friend. I didn't mean much to her in the first place, so I didn't expect that to change after I found out something like this. She even said that she didn't even care and told me not to contact her again.
   I did a few times, though. Not via phone as I had before. Once through another friend to tell her I forgave her. The reply to that wasn't the nicest, with Carmen saying that she felt she'd done nothing wrong and that we should just leave our friendship as a memory. Well, that's what I can remember of her emailed reply.

   That was what hurt the most. Having someone I'd confided in ripped away from me like that. It was like losing Jade, but worse. I knew I shouldn't have trusted Carmen from the start, but I did anyway because I was a kind person. I saw she needed some friends, so I reached out and became one. I proceeded to trust her with other memories that lead to my social anxiety, considering her to be one of my closest friends.
   How could it not feel like I was being stabbed in the chest when she told me that I'd never opened up to her?

   Whether she meant to or not, that was one of the big factors that came to my darkest day. When I was so tired and upset and hurt that I told myself that if I died then, no one would notice or care. The day when I wanted nothing more than to end my own life.
   I don't know completely how I snapped out of it, except something very personal that made me stronger in my faith. But I'm here now and that's why I started this blog.
   I wanted to do something, give hope for others so that maybe they would find something to hold onto in a dark day. Something where I would bring a little more light than dark in this broken world.

   I did reach out to Carmen again a week later, sending one last email to tell her exactly what I thought about hers. And I saw her in person some months later along with reaching out to her on FB after I found out she'd been bullied. I think I wrote about those last reach-outs in past posts.

   Since coming to college, I have had a few more days where I want to re-enact that day. Though the urge was less intense, it was still strong. So, I did start counseling and made a really great support group of my new friends, along with keeping some of the old. Near Christmas, someone jokingly asked if I'd ever wanted to kill myself, to which I gave a calm, but a bit short-tempered, retort continuing the topic that'd been going on before that. I had a near shut down after that, but I was able to talk to a friend through it. Maybe that's what made me snap out of it more, having someone there and not avoiding my fear of that day.
   I made a significant increase in getting better as we came into this new year. It's gotten to the point where I may even be ending counseling soon. I've had a rough couple of weeks recently, as that's when most of this story reached its year point. But I've had friends to help me through it and I'm stronger now in myself than I was then. And maybe some of it has to do with the fact I have my boyfriend now. :) (And no, this isn't the guy I was going on about. This one is very sweet and caring and I love him very much. He understands all of this, going through depression and anxiety himself, helping me though rough days as I help him through his. He's my best friend.)

   Which is why, I have to ask. Should I continue this blog? Come up with new entries every week and continue? Or should I just leave it up, not adding anymore?
   I don't get emails like I used to and not many comments either. Am I really helping or no?

   Please reply in some way. I keep everything anonymous and do my very best to never judge a soul. Have I helped in any way with this blog?

   I'll come back in a few days, checking my email and everything else until then. I'll decide then the fate of my blog. I'll also put my story on the My Story page for quick analysis.

   See you all in a few days.

-Kayla