Conflicted

   Hey everyone.

   Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. Super mega busy. I'll write something hopefully interesting here.

   In my new environment, there are a lot of new feelings to go with it. New friends, new people. I've been using my knowledge about myself to talk with others. So far it's worked, but honestly, sometimes I don't know how well it'll work later. It's not easy when you yourself are conflicted.
   See, I've got a crush on a guy, though it's not as big, at least to me, as before. It's different when your new friend sees a different side of him, which you start to see too. But you also see him falling for the friend, so when it goes awry you can see both sides and understand.

  What are you supposed to do when you have a crush on a boy, but you don't want to really tell your new friends that you think the guy of your dreams is the one who's crushing on one of them? And, to add on, he's been sort of friend zoned by the crush because he was just a little too pushy in the beginning state. And I'm friends with all parties! Help?

   I'm really glad that I haven't told any of my new friends about this blog yet, cause it would be awkward, at least, I think it would. But, they're the kind of people I feel I can trust, you know?
   What am I supposed to do?

-Kayla

Warning

   Hey, everyone. So, just like it's been this week so far, the next week and a half maybe will either have spotty posting or no posting. I've been really busy and I'm not even sure if I'll have much access to Wifi in the coming days. I'd attempt the scheduled posting again, but that messed up the sharing on G+ and my own thought process for a while.
   I'm very sorry, but things have been getting way better lately and I really want to get back to posting every day. You guys are awesome!

   For now, I have to leave you with another song. Don't own it and all that. See you when I finally have better timing! :)

-Kayla

Someday

   Hellooo, everyone! :)

   So, today, I'm mostly just relaxing, doing my best not to get too emotionally wound up. There were some close calls, but that was mostly easy to get past because it was something someone else tried to antagonize me into. Today was one of those days where I could just roll my eyes and ignore it.

   I was thinking last night about something, wondering whether or not to make a random midnight posting. I decided against that, telling myself that if it was important enough, I'd remember in the morning. I believed it would be, so I remembered. :)
   My main purpose in starting and continuing this blog consists of helping others like me with Depression and Social Anxiety (or any anxiety, if I somehow seep that in too). It's helped me as well, just by writing entries.
   Someday I hope this goes viral. Not like "I want to see how famous I can be for a short time." I want to make a lasting effect on people, help them in some way. Kind of in a way that someday, if I'm ever feeling down and a future friend or acquaintance will mention this blog to me in an effort to help, not knowing that I'm the writer behind it. That would be a wonderful feeling.
   For now, I'm just happy writing. Some have already thanked me or made comments one what a wonderful thing I am doing here. I love that I'm able to help others. :)

   I don't think I've had this song on the blog before, but it works well with the theme of the blog, at least what I mean to portray here. Enjoy! (Disclaimer: not mine, don't own it.) I think I'll try to put in in the sidebar, somehow. :)

-Kayla

First or Last

   Hey, everyone. I'm so sorry about not posting yesterday or the day before. I was finishing up the last bouts of a stomach bug and then time just escaping me when I just had so much to do. Seriously, don't hold off stuff to the last minute. Horrible idea.

   I was planning on writing a nice long post today, but I'm honestly not sure how long it'll be. My day's kinda been flopping around everywhere and the topic that I'm about to write about is something that's been bothering me for months. I still don't know the answer to it and most-likely won't until the issue has passed in a few weeks time.
   So, anyway, you know how in elementary school, they'll line you up in hopes to keep you in a nice straight order in hopes to get you to the next activity on time? Well, I always hated to be first in that line. Even if I knew what to do, I didn't like not being able to have at least one person ahead of me to help lead everyone else. Kind of strange, as I'm still like that in a large-ish group, but if it's just me or a few friends, I don't care. Back to the line, I hated being last as well. Until recently, I never really thought about why.
   I think both of those spots hold the same problem for me. Everyone's pushing me to do something. Either I'm being pushed to lead or pushed to keep up. And either spot is kind of lonely. No one ahead of you or everyone ahead of you.

   Sometimes I don't mind being first. Depending on what it is, I just want to get it over with. Last is tricky. Occasionally I like it because you can see what everyone else has done and now you're more confident in what you yourself will do. Right now, there's something coming up where I'm dreading being the last.
   More than anything, I wish my friends could be there. But seeing as they're the ones going ahead of me in this, they obviously can't be. Sometimes I don't mind. I can't wait to see how they'll do and I know that they'll probably be great. Somehow that confidence in myself wavers.
   I'm making some new friends, ones who seem just as obsessed as myself in common interests. Though, as I said in my last post, I'm great at making friends, but never really sure how long they'll stay.

   Somehow everything will work out in the end. Most of my nerves are already gone before I'm even close to taking the next huge step in my life. That's a really good sign.

   Song again! Don't own the rights, but I love this song. I think it's an original by the YouTuber who posted it. It's one of the happiest instrumental pieces I've ever heard. It brought my spirits up a lot last year after I stumbled across it. :D I think I'll start playing it more again.

-Kayla

Loner

   Hey, everyone. Sorry again about the posting. Yesterday was just plain painful (wisdom teeth are not wise in the slightest) and the day before, well, a ten-minute-intended nap turned into sleeping for several hours. Surprisingly, I still fell asleep for the night, 'cept for some nightmares.
   Anyway, this is some deep thinking I had last night. Since today's kinda busy, I'm using that idea to kinda cheat my way back into posting every day.

   I'm more of a loner than a social girl. No question about it. Do I like being lonely, though? No way. I love being invited over to friend's houses and spending time with them. It drains me sometimes, but I'd rather be doing that than doing nothing alone.
   Still, though, I feel like I've always been the odd-ball out. Not like the "class clown" or the bullied kid, though I've had my fair share of the silent treatment and mean comments whispered about behind me (though I only suspect rather than know for sure that they didn't become full-on rumors), along with weird looks when I'd try to join in something. Not the intrigued looks, like "Wow, you're interested in this? Cool!" More like "Um, what are you doing? Why are you even talking?"
   I ignore most of it. Always have. I remember a good deal of it, though. Heading all the way back to maybe 4 or even 3 years old. Even my teachers thought I was odd. Honestly, even now I don't know why they got so upset over something I didn't think was wrong. I mean, why can't a kid have their toy during nap-time if it helps them sleep?
   Getting it from my peers I think grated on me more. I could always reason out why the teachers did and said. Not really from the ones my age, or around my age. Like, what does anyone gain from purposely isolating someone, or dismissing someone for being themselves? Maybe that's the same thing. Either way, I just don't get it.

   Despite feeling left out of the social loop most of the time, I still managed to gain some amazing friends. Not all stayed for long. I think I've said this before. Some moved, to different houses and/or schools. Some just left me to go make new friends. The three I keep thanking on this blog are the friend's I've managed to have for the longest time period. And even that wasn't constant.
   Sometimes I feel I did what I hated my old "friends" for most. I used to hang out with Nora and Carmen a lot, even neglecting Violet for the longest time, not even meaning to. I didn't even realize that it was more than my usual until we started having long conversations after Carmen left. And, then there's Abigail, whom I've really just gotten to know more around when the whole social anxiety realization came about. Compared to my life span now, the amount of time that I've been friends with these three is small. Probably smaller than most friendships people have.

   I'm never afraid of making friends. I'm good at it, especially as the years have gone on. Made some connections between myself and others that stick enough to have a decent email flow.
   Keeping friends has always been an "if" to me. What if? What if? I like to make sure that they have their own freedom. Sure, I'll get a little jealous if they start talking about some other close friend, sharing fun experiences and deep thoughts. But I'll let it go. I like seeing and hearing the enjoyment emanating from them. That's definitely more important to me.

   I'm not perfect in friendships. Never really want to be. My flaws are as much a part of me as my friends and anyone I look up to have their own. It's what I like best about people. Shows they're human.
   But I'll always try to be loyal, show my friends in their best light (especially to themselves), listen when I need to, give advice if asked, and just be there for them.
   I hope that through what I've learned with my friends it'll help me keep my new ones. Not sure who those new ones are yet, but they're out there.

   And, when the time comes, we'll be ready.

-Kayla

Another Short Day

   Hey, everyone. Sorry about the no post yesterday and so late today.

   Had a bad moment today. Hid in the bathroom, calmed myself down before returning to social interaction. But other than that I've had a pretty good weekend. Olympics started up and I enjoyed seeing some of the fencing early this morning. :)

   Gonna have a clip today. Don't own the rights. Enjoy! One of my all time favorite movies and the best scene ever from it. :)

-Kayla

Short Day

   Hey, everyone.

   Just a song today. Don't own the rights. Enjoy! :D

-Kayla

When I Said

   Hey, everyone. Sorry about the silence of the past three days. First day my thoughts escaped me and the last two have been busy. This'll be short, but meaningful. And sorry it's passed the deadline, but a surprise event happened. :)

   Today, I found this picture. I've never seen it before, but I've seen stuff like it:

   After reading this, I remembered the day when I finally said "Enough!"

   Just a month ago, maybe more time now, I felt like this. I was just sick of everything. I'd wanted to end it months ago, but didn't because I always have something to hold onto, people always keeping me to reality. Even if they didn't know it till I told them, somehow my subconscious reminded me of them that day. The thought of ending had come into my mind, but I never reached for anything to aid that idea. Angels in heaven and the ones here on earth. I know in my gut that they were what stopped that second sub-thought.
   My friends know I cry, but they don't care. They've seen through my bad days. They know the person I am behind that confused anger and fear. They brought back my smile and courage. And even when I'm seeing them less and less as recent months go on, they still find ways to bring a smile to my face, probably not even knowing that's what they're doing.
   They don't judge me. They've always believed in me. And I can never ever thank them enough.

   And when they surprise you? Seriously, even though I figured part of it out, it was still awesome. :)

   Another song, don't own the rights. Enjoy. :D Be empowered!!!

-Kayla