Hey, everyone.
Short post since it's late here, but I'm now on Tumblr! Follow the link to see my page. I'll add the link on the side bar as well.
https://fightingwithmemories.tumblr.com/
-Kayla
Tuesday, May 2, 2017
Saturday, April 29, 2017
A New Approach
Hello, everyone.
So, I should probably admit, I didn't know how to continue here on this blog. Mostly because my life is significantly better than it's been since around a year ago when I first created this blog. Maybe I've said that before. How am I supposed to keep writing a blog about fighting depression and anxiety when most of that has gone away? Well, it's still there, but you know what I mean.
But I've been told through a chain of friends that maybe I should try talking about how things have gotten better. That after all that fighting and hopelessness, there is a happy ending. How I became the person I've been searching for. A person who has gone through all those problems and made it through. Someone who's proof that happy endings do come.
Life is not done for me yet. I doubt that I will never go through hard times again very much. There are such things as relapses and there are still stupid people out there who'll make you think you're crazy for having a mental illness or think you're just making things up.
Still, I want to keep writing here. I want to keep fighting with memories like I created this blog for. Because every day we make up new memories, new moments that make life worth living.
I watch the show Once Upon a Time and one quote concerning that rings a bell when I think about it:
"Life is made up of moments. Good ones, bad ones, but they're all worth living. Look for the good moments between the bad ones." -Prince Charming/ David Nolan/ Josh Dallas (all credits go to the writers of OUaT)
I'm making new memories, good ones that make the bad ones start to disappear. People that I used to be afraid of I can now start standing up to. Even Carmen has mostly gone out of my mind. I know I ranted a lot about her, another reason why I stopped writing for a while, to her get out of my head.
Anyway, I know more people, I have new friends with some of the old. People who actually understand, though also those who don't, but then I don't talk to them about this. Mostly because I know there's no use trying to convince a brick wall that they're in the wrong. They'll most likely learn on their own.
This blog was made to create hope. So, why not start by proving that it exists?
-Kayla
So, I should probably admit, I didn't know how to continue here on this blog. Mostly because my life is significantly better than it's been since around a year ago when I first created this blog. Maybe I've said that before. How am I supposed to keep writing a blog about fighting depression and anxiety when most of that has gone away? Well, it's still there, but you know what I mean.
But I've been told through a chain of friends that maybe I should try talking about how things have gotten better. That after all that fighting and hopelessness, there is a happy ending. How I became the person I've been searching for. A person who has gone through all those problems and made it through. Someone who's proof that happy endings do come.
Life is not done for me yet. I doubt that I will never go through hard times again very much. There are such things as relapses and there are still stupid people out there who'll make you think you're crazy for having a mental illness or think you're just making things up.
Still, I want to keep writing here. I want to keep fighting with memories like I created this blog for. Because every day we make up new memories, new moments that make life worth living.
I watch the show Once Upon a Time and one quote concerning that rings a bell when I think about it:
"Life is made up of moments. Good ones, bad ones, but they're all worth living. Look for the good moments between the bad ones." -Prince Charming/ David Nolan/ Josh Dallas (all credits go to the writers of OUaT)
I'm making new memories, good ones that make the bad ones start to disappear. People that I used to be afraid of I can now start standing up to. Even Carmen has mostly gone out of my mind. I know I ranted a lot about her, another reason why I stopped writing for a while, to her get out of my head.
Anyway, I know more people, I have new friends with some of the old. People who actually understand, though also those who don't, but then I don't talk to them about this. Mostly because I know there's no use trying to convince a brick wall that they're in the wrong. They'll most likely learn on their own.
This blog was made to create hope. So, why not start by proving that it exists?
-Kayla
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
Updates
Hello, everyone.
Sorry I didn't come back when I said I would. But in these past few weeks I've been thinking. I will keep this blog up and running, posting when I can. Ialso now have a new email, now a formal email for this blog (fightingwithmemories@gmail.com). I'm not sure what will change, now that I've changed admin statuses and such. I'll figure it out later.
Also, I may reach out onto other sites, like Tumblr. I have already done so on Pinterest and a little through FB. I'll post what updates I can on that later.
Until then, I want to keep helping other people. I know that there can be relapses, myself having gone through a few since the last time I posted. And then there are those who still feel lost and hopeless.
This blog is meant to help bring hope. And that is what I intend to continue doing.
-Kayla
Sorry I didn't come back when I said I would. But in these past few weeks I've been thinking. I will keep this blog up and running, posting when I can. Ialso now have a new email, now a formal email for this blog (fightingwithmemories@gmail.com). I'm not sure what will change, now that I've changed admin statuses and such. I'll figure it out later.
Also, I may reach out onto other sites, like Tumblr. I have already done so on Pinterest and a little through FB. I'll post what updates I can on that later.
Until then, I want to keep helping other people. I know that there can be relapses, myself having gone through a few since the last time I posted. And then there are those who still feel lost and hopeless.
This blog is meant to help bring hope. And that is what I intend to continue doing.
-Kayla
Wednesday, March 15, 2017
My Story
This has been a long time coming, both in posting and in telling this. This being my story.
I'll start by saying that all the names here I use are fictional. This is to keep others mentioned here private and to protect my own privacy. I started out that way and will continue to do so. The story and people, however, are very much true and real.
I'm still a Christian girl, that is very true. I do have depression and anxiety, though those have lessened considerably since my last post.
I started this when I was in high school and into college. For my senior year, while most everyone else had a good time, mine was less. Though this was mostly in my own mind, as far as anyone else could see.
The summer before was not great. I was losing a friend as she transferred schools and feared I may lose another as the summer wore on. This is when I finally realized and admitted I had depression and social anxiety.
Things got better when we came back to school, as I still had a small support system and my other friend had not left. But then everything just started going downhill as the stress of getting ready for college set in.
It was still relatively normal as we came into a new calendar year. Just as I started to get better again, finally being able to reach out to Carmen, the friend who'd left, everything collapsed.
I got blown off time and again whenever I'd try to figure out when something was wrong with one of my friends who'd stayed. I won't say which, for privacy. I also got brushed aside when I'd try to contact Carmen sometimes. Nothing made sense to me and I didn't know what was going on.
So, finally, I snapped. I confronted both friends when we were on break and told them to prove that I meant something to them or our friendship was over. That was when I found out from one that the two had talked behind my back on at least two occasions. She was very apologetic and I forgave her, of course. I did with Carmen as well, but that was not why our friendship shattered.
I broke off my friendship with Carmen because I could see to her, I was just a cast-away friend. I didn't mean much to her in the first place, so I didn't expect that to change after I found out something like this. She even said that she didn't even care and told me not to contact her again.
I did a few times, though. Not via phone as I had before. Once through another friend to tell her I forgave her. The reply to that wasn't the nicest, with Carmen saying that she felt she'd done nothing wrong and that we should just leave our friendship as a memory. Well, that's what I can remember of her emailed reply.
That was what hurt the most. Having someone I'd confided in ripped away from me like that. It was like losing Jade, but worse. I knew I shouldn't have trusted Carmen from the start, but I did anyway because I was a kind person. I saw she needed some friends, so I reached out and became one. I proceeded to trust her with other memories that lead to my social anxiety, considering her to be one of my closest friends.
How could it not feel like I was being stabbed in the chest when she told me that I'd never opened up to her?
Whether she meant to or not, that was one of the big factors that came to my darkest day. When I was so tired and upset and hurt that I told myself that if I died then, no one would notice or care. The day when I wanted nothing more than to end my own life.
I don't know completely how I snapped out of it, except something very personal that made me stronger in my faith. But I'm here now and that's why I started this blog.
I wanted to do something, give hope for others so that maybe they would find something to hold onto in a dark day. Something where I would bring a little more light than dark in this broken world.
I did reach out to Carmen again a week later, sending one last email to tell her exactly what I thought about hers. And I saw her in person some months later along with reaching out to her on FB after I found out she'd been bullied. I think I wrote about those last reach-outs in past posts.
Since coming to college, I have had a few more days where I want to re-enact that day. Though the urge was less intense, it was still strong. So, I did start counseling and made a really great support group of my new friends, along with keeping some of the old. Near Christmas, someone jokingly asked if I'd ever wanted to kill myself, to which I gave a calm, but a bit short-tempered, retort continuing the topic that'd been going on before that. I had a near shut down after that, but I was able to talk to a friend through it. Maybe that's what made me snap out of it more, having someone there and not avoiding my fear of that day.
I made a significant increase in getting better as we came into this new year. It's gotten to the point where I may even be ending counseling soon. I've had a rough couple of weeks recently, as that's when most of this story reached its year point. But I've had friends to help me through it and I'm stronger now in myself than I was then. And maybe some of it has to do with the fact I have my boyfriend now. :) (And no, this isn't the guy I was going on about. This one is very sweet and caring and I love him very much. He understands all of this, going through depression and anxiety himself, helping me though rough days as I help him through his. He's my best friend.)
Which is why, I have to ask. Should I continue this blog? Come up with new entries every week and continue? Or should I just leave it up, not adding anymore?
I don't get emails like I used to and not many comments either. Am I really helping or no?
Please reply in some way. I keep everything anonymous and do my very best to never judge a soul. Have I helped in any way with this blog?
I'll come back in a few days, checking my email and everything else until then. I'll decide then the fate of my blog. I'll also put my story on the My Story page for quick analysis.
See you all in a few days.
-Kayla
I'll start by saying that all the names here I use are fictional. This is to keep others mentioned here private and to protect my own privacy. I started out that way and will continue to do so. The story and people, however, are very much true and real.
I'm still a Christian girl, that is very true. I do have depression and anxiety, though those have lessened considerably since my last post.
I started this when I was in high school and into college. For my senior year, while most everyone else had a good time, mine was less. Though this was mostly in my own mind, as far as anyone else could see.
The summer before was not great. I was losing a friend as she transferred schools and feared I may lose another as the summer wore on. This is when I finally realized and admitted I had depression and social anxiety.
Things got better when we came back to school, as I still had a small support system and my other friend had not left. But then everything just started going downhill as the stress of getting ready for college set in.
It was still relatively normal as we came into a new calendar year. Just as I started to get better again, finally being able to reach out to Carmen, the friend who'd left, everything collapsed.
I got blown off time and again whenever I'd try to figure out when something was wrong with one of my friends who'd stayed. I won't say which, for privacy. I also got brushed aside when I'd try to contact Carmen sometimes. Nothing made sense to me and I didn't know what was going on.
So, finally, I snapped. I confronted both friends when we were on break and told them to prove that I meant something to them or our friendship was over. That was when I found out from one that the two had talked behind my back on at least two occasions. She was very apologetic and I forgave her, of course. I did with Carmen as well, but that was not why our friendship shattered.
I broke off my friendship with Carmen because I could see to her, I was just a cast-away friend. I didn't mean much to her in the first place, so I didn't expect that to change after I found out something like this. She even said that she didn't even care and told me not to contact her again.
I did a few times, though. Not via phone as I had before. Once through another friend to tell her I forgave her. The reply to that wasn't the nicest, with Carmen saying that she felt she'd done nothing wrong and that we should just leave our friendship as a memory. Well, that's what I can remember of her emailed reply.
That was what hurt the most. Having someone I'd confided in ripped away from me like that. It was like losing Jade, but worse. I knew I shouldn't have trusted Carmen from the start, but I did anyway because I was a kind person. I saw she needed some friends, so I reached out and became one. I proceeded to trust her with other memories that lead to my social anxiety, considering her to be one of my closest friends.
How could it not feel like I was being stabbed in the chest when she told me that I'd never opened up to her?
Whether she meant to or not, that was one of the big factors that came to my darkest day. When I was so tired and upset and hurt that I told myself that if I died then, no one would notice or care. The day when I wanted nothing more than to end my own life.
I don't know completely how I snapped out of it, except something very personal that made me stronger in my faith. But I'm here now and that's why I started this blog.
I wanted to do something, give hope for others so that maybe they would find something to hold onto in a dark day. Something where I would bring a little more light than dark in this broken world.
I did reach out to Carmen again a week later, sending one last email to tell her exactly what I thought about hers. And I saw her in person some months later along with reaching out to her on FB after I found out she'd been bullied. I think I wrote about those last reach-outs in past posts.
Since coming to college, I have had a few more days where I want to re-enact that day. Though the urge was less intense, it was still strong. So, I did start counseling and made a really great support group of my new friends, along with keeping some of the old. Near Christmas, someone jokingly asked if I'd ever wanted to kill myself, to which I gave a calm, but a bit short-tempered, retort continuing the topic that'd been going on before that. I had a near shut down after that, but I was able to talk to a friend through it. Maybe that's what made me snap out of it more, having someone there and not avoiding my fear of that day.
I made a significant increase in getting better as we came into this new year. It's gotten to the point where I may even be ending counseling soon. I've had a rough couple of weeks recently, as that's when most of this story reached its year point. But I've had friends to help me through it and I'm stronger now in myself than I was then. And maybe some of it has to do with the fact I have my boyfriend now. :) (And no, this isn't the guy I was going on about. This one is very sweet and caring and I love him very much. He understands all of this, going through depression and anxiety himself, helping me though rough days as I help him through his. He's my best friend.)
Which is why, I have to ask. Should I continue this blog? Come up with new entries every week and continue? Or should I just leave it up, not adding anymore?
I don't get emails like I used to and not many comments either. Am I really helping or no?
Please reply in some way. I keep everything anonymous and do my very best to never judge a soul. Have I helped in any way with this blog?
I'll come back in a few days, checking my email and everything else until then. I'll decide then the fate of my blog. I'll also put my story on the My Story page for quick analysis.
See you all in a few days.
-Kayla
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
Being
Hey, everyone.
Sometimes, being yourself is hard. After a while, you become someone people expect of you. You change a little bit, and those closest to you gawk, wondering why. So you go back to "normal" around them. It's not easy to change.
Which is why I like the opportunity to be in a new place. I don't have to be that same girl anymore. Quiet, scared, alone.
The thing is, when no one else is around, I'm like that again. It's not easy. I still have depression, I still have social anxiety. Making new friends is great, it's just... Well, it's the same questions I've had before. Who'll stay? Who'll go? Will it be my fault, or a choice of theirs?
Sometimes I wish I could just run. Maybe not away, because I don't want to leave my mess for others to clean up. I just want to run, to fly, just for one minute, just to feel free.
Which is why:
I write- To discover more of who I am.
I sing- To feel my strength come through me.
I talk- To help others and myself.
I believe- To have hope when there is none.
I am me.
Song of the month will go for the last few days of this month and December. I'm surprised I didn't change it when I posted a few weeks ago.
Credits go to the writers/singer/everyone else who went into this song:
-Kayla
Sometimes, being yourself is hard. After a while, you become someone people expect of you. You change a little bit, and those closest to you gawk, wondering why. So you go back to "normal" around them. It's not easy to change.
Which is why I like the opportunity to be in a new place. I don't have to be that same girl anymore. Quiet, scared, alone.
The thing is, when no one else is around, I'm like that again. It's not easy. I still have depression, I still have social anxiety. Making new friends is great, it's just... Well, it's the same questions I've had before. Who'll stay? Who'll go? Will it be my fault, or a choice of theirs?
Sometimes I wish I could just run. Maybe not away, because I don't want to leave my mess for others to clean up. I just want to run, to fly, just for one minute, just to feel free.
Which is why:
I write- To discover more of who I am.
I sing- To feel my strength come through me.
I talk- To help others and myself.
I believe- To have hope when there is none.
I am me.
Song of the month will go for the last few days of this month and December. I'm surprised I didn't change it when I posted a few weeks ago.
Credits go to the writers/singer/everyone else who went into this song:
-Kayla
Monday, November 28, 2016
Not Defined
Hey, everyone. I now see why my favorite bloggers don't post every day. It's not because they don't care. Life just gets in the way.
Which is why I'm going to try coming back.
Recently, I've been having a hard time again. I love helping other people, but sometimes it's hard when you don't know what to do or say because you don't have any experience to help yet. Definitely going to try, though.
But that's not what today's post is for. Today I've been thinking about Labels. I mean, I've talked about them before in previous posts, I believe.
I haven't thought it before, but having Depression and Anxiety can be turned into labels. Personally, I haven't experienced that. Which is the only reason why I haven't really brought that up.
It shouldn't define you, these labels. If people tell you how you should feel, I know it's not easy to ignore them, but unless they've been though something similar, they don't know what you're going through. They are not you. Don't let them tell you who you are.
I'm not perfect, and I own that. I'm going to find someone who accepts me for who I am, like my friends now do. Someone who knows my flaws, but doesn't judge or try to fix them for me. Someone who just stands by my side, doesn't leave when things get hard, and lets me fight my own demons. Because the only way I can get rid of it is to do it myself. Yes, I need the help of others, my friends mostly. But it's still my war.
It's never easy. And don't let anyone tell you "If you just did this..." or "Why don't you just stop doing this?" Because it's complicated. You know that. I know that. It takes time and hard work. Like battle strategy, sometimes quite literally.
We're not defined by our "labels." They're a part of who we are, but they are not the summary of our existence.
I'm adding some quotes here. All credits go to those whom the quotes belong.
-Kayla
Which is why I'm going to try coming back.
Recently, I've been having a hard time again. I love helping other people, but sometimes it's hard when you don't know what to do or say because you don't have any experience to help yet. Definitely going to try, though.
But that's not what today's post is for. Today I've been thinking about Labels. I mean, I've talked about them before in previous posts, I believe.
I haven't thought it before, but having Depression and Anxiety can be turned into labels. Personally, I haven't experienced that. Which is the only reason why I haven't really brought that up.
It shouldn't define you, these labels. If people tell you how you should feel, I know it's not easy to ignore them, but unless they've been though something similar, they don't know what you're going through. They are not you. Don't let them tell you who you are.
I'm not perfect, and I own that. I'm going to find someone who accepts me for who I am, like my friends now do. Someone who knows my flaws, but doesn't judge or try to fix them for me. Someone who just stands by my side, doesn't leave when things get hard, and lets me fight my own demons. Because the only way I can get rid of it is to do it myself. Yes, I need the help of others, my friends mostly. But it's still my war.
It's never easy. And don't let anyone tell you "If you just did this..." or "Why don't you just stop doing this?" Because it's complicated. You know that. I know that. It takes time and hard work. Like battle strategy, sometimes quite literally.
We're not defined by our "labels." They're a part of who we are, but they are not the summary of our existence.
I'm adding some quotes here. All credits go to those whom the quotes belong.
-Kayla
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
I'm Back!
Hey, guys. I'm so sorry for the month long absence. Times have been rough. Nothing really bad has happened, though I did have a breakdown, which my new friends were able to help with. Speaking of which, I've got something to ask.
Now, I made this blog to help others like me. Others with depression and social anxiety. Anyone and everyone seeking words of comfort or support. Sadly, in recent months, I've been lacking in my promise to be here. I finally actually fulfilled my promise just this week to look for counseling.
But I don't know how ready I am to come back here. It's been hard. And I need advice on what I think is a really stupid matter, at least to me it is.
Remember those posts about liking some guy? Well, I thought I didn't like him anymore, but I still do, apparently. Being tired these past few days sort of revealed my subconscious feelings to my conscious mind again.
I trust him, as much as my friends who I had to separate from some months ago. He's got those red flags, of course, but I'm also watching him grow up as these weeks go by. I found out that I'm falling for his potential self rather than his actual self, which stayed my feelings for a while. But, as I said, they're back.
The only problem is that he likes someone else. Well, that's not the only problem, but it's a main one. I know nothing will ever come of my feelings for him. And I want to stop letting my feelings for him occasionally run my mood for the day, which has luckily only happened maybe three times in a little more than three months.
Part of me wants to tell him. I mean, I've confided so much already and this secret is tearing me apart. How can I tell myself I fully trust my friend when I can't even tell him this?
If I do tell him, it probably would be awkward for a while, but it seems like when he's talking with me, he's kinder than what most see. I know only a few others have seen it as well. He might just help me to get over him.
But you're probably wondering why I'm blabbing on about some guy I met some months ago. The truth is, I need some advice.
If you know anyone or can think of anything yourself, please comment or anonymously email me using the side form (found in the website, not mobile, version).
He's growing to become one of my best friends. And I don't want to jeopardize that with some stupid crush. Please, help.
-Kayla
Now, I made this blog to help others like me. Others with depression and social anxiety. Anyone and everyone seeking words of comfort or support. Sadly, in recent months, I've been lacking in my promise to be here. I finally actually fulfilled my promise just this week to look for counseling.
But I don't know how ready I am to come back here. It's been hard. And I need advice on what I think is a really stupid matter, at least to me it is.
Remember those posts about liking some guy? Well, I thought I didn't like him anymore, but I still do, apparently. Being tired these past few days sort of revealed my subconscious feelings to my conscious mind again.
I trust him, as much as my friends who I had to separate from some months ago. He's got those red flags, of course, but I'm also watching him grow up as these weeks go by. I found out that I'm falling for his potential self rather than his actual self, which stayed my feelings for a while. But, as I said, they're back.
The only problem is that he likes someone else. Well, that's not the only problem, but it's a main one. I know nothing will ever come of my feelings for him. And I want to stop letting my feelings for him occasionally run my mood for the day, which has luckily only happened maybe three times in a little more than three months.
Part of me wants to tell him. I mean, I've confided so much already and this secret is tearing me apart. How can I tell myself I fully trust my friend when I can't even tell him this?
If I do tell him, it probably would be awkward for a while, but it seems like when he's talking with me, he's kinder than what most see. I know only a few others have seen it as well. He might just help me to get over him.
But you're probably wondering why I'm blabbing on about some guy I met some months ago. The truth is, I need some advice.
If you know anyone or can think of anything yourself, please comment or anonymously email me using the side form (found in the website, not mobile, version).
He's growing to become one of my best friends. And I don't want to jeopardize that with some stupid crush. Please, help.
-Kayla
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