Hey, everyone. Sometimes, being yourself is hard. After a while, you become someone people expect of you. You change a little bit, and those closest to you gawk, wondering why. So you go back to "normal" around them. It's not easy to change. Which is why I like the opportunity to be in a new place. I don't have to be that same girl anymore. Quiet, scared, alone. The thing is, when no one else is around, I'm like that again. It's not easy. I still have depression, I still have social anxiety. Making new friends is great, it's just... Well, it's the same questions I've had before. Who'll stay? Who'll go? Will it be my fault, or a choice of theirs? Sometimes I wish I could just run. Maybe not away, because I don't want to leave my mess for others to clean up. I just want to run, to fly, just for one minute, just to feel free.
Which is why: I write- To discover more of who I am. I sing- To feel my strength come through me. I talk- To help others and myself. I believe- To have hope when there is none. I am me.
Song of the month will go for the last few days of this month and December. I'm surprised I didn't change it when I posted a few weeks ago. Credits go to the writers/singer/everyone else who went into this song:
Hey, everyone. I now see why my favorite bloggers don't post every day. It's not because they don't care. Life just gets in the way. Which is why I'm going to try coming back. Recently, I've been having a hard time again. I love helping other people, but sometimes it's hard when you don't know what to do or say because you don't have any experience to help yet. Definitely going to try, though. But that's not what today's post is for. Today I've been thinking about Labels. I mean, I've talked about them before in previous posts, I believe. I haven't thought it before, but having Depression and Anxiety can be turned into labels. Personally, I haven't experienced that. Which is the only reason why I haven't really brought that up. It shouldn't define you, these labels. If people tell you how you should feel, I know it's not easy to ignore them, but unless they've been though something similar, they don't know what you're going through. They are not you. Don't let them tell you who you are. I'm not perfect, and I own that. I'm going to find someone who accepts me for who I am, like my friends now do. Someone who knows my flaws, but doesn't judge or try to fix them for me. Someone who just stands by my side, doesn't leave when things get hard, and lets me fight my own demons. Because the only way I can get rid of it is to do it myself. Yes, I need the help of others, my friends mostly. But it's still my war. It's never easy. And don't let anyone tell you "If you just did this..." or "Why don't you just stop doing this?" Because it's complicated. You know that. I know that. It takes time and hard work. Like battle strategy, sometimes quite literally. We're not defined by our "labels." They're a part of who we are, but they are not the summary of our existence. I'm adding some quotes here. All credits go to those whom the quotes belong.
Hey, guys. I'm so sorry for the month long absence. Times have been rough. Nothing really bad has happened, though I did have a breakdown, which my new friends were able to help with. Speaking of which, I've got something to ask. Now, I made this blog to help others like me. Others with depression and social anxiety. Anyone and everyone seeking words of comfort or support. Sadly, in recent months, I've been lacking in my promise to be here. I finally actually fulfilled my promise just this week to look for counseling. But I don't know how ready I am to come back here. It's been hard. And I need advice on what I think is a really stupid matter, at least to me it is. Remember those posts about liking some guy? Well, I thought I didn't like him anymore, but I still do, apparently. Being tired these past few days sort of revealed my subconscious feelings to my conscious mind again. I trust him, as much as my friends who I had to separate from some months ago. He's got those red flags, of course, but I'm also watching him grow up as these weeks go by. I found out that I'm falling for his potential self rather than his actual self, which stayed my feelings for a while. But, as I said, they're back. The only problem is that he likes someone else. Well, that's not the only problem, but it's a main one. I know nothing will ever come of my feelings for him. And I want to stop letting my feelings for him occasionally run my mood for the day, which has luckily only happened maybe three times in a little more than three months. Part of me wants to tell him. I mean, I've confided so much already and this secret is tearing me apart. How can I tell myself I fully trust my friend when I can't even tell him this? If I do tell him, it probably would be awkward for a while, but it seems like when he's talking with me, he's kinder than what most see. I know only a few others have seen it as well. He might just help me to get over him. But you're probably wondering why I'm blabbing on about some guy I met some months ago. The truth is, I need some advice. If you know anyone or can think of anything yourself, please comment or anonymously email me using the side form (found in the website, not mobile, version). He's growing to become one of my best friends. And I don't want to jeopardize that with some stupid crush. Please, help. -Kayla
