A Child

   Hey, everyone.

   So, before getting into what I want to talk today, I'm not sure about something. I don't want a boyfriend. Frankly, I'm not sure if I'd even have time for one, judging on how much I procrastinate and need to get things done. But, at the same time, I... kind of... do. Want a boyfriend, that is.
   Someday. I know someday I'll have a boyfriend and get married. I want a love like Amy and Rory's. Annabeth and Percy's. Bones and Booth's. Someday. I can wait. :)

   To the topic for today, I've been thinking about age again. I made a post, back when I was first starting here on this topic. Sort of. It was about gullibility and such. Some have been commenting that I'm such a child recently, so I've been thinking it over and came to a conclusion.
   I purposely act younger than I really am. The way I dress, sometimes make myself hyper, still have my stuffed animals. All of that is on purpose.
   I never wanted to grow up. I didn't want to get hurt, didn't want to go through what life had to throw at me. But I did. I still am. Stuff is still hard sometimes. I've been lying awake some nights, imagining Carmen coming here, ruining one of the few places I've never seen her. In my mind, I'm still angry as much as I was before. Even though I was civil at our last meeting, I don't know if that was just because other people that knew me were there. Now I'm some place new... Well, I'm not sure how I'd react.
   Still, I didn't want to be like this. I didn't want to be hurt, to be sad, to be betrayed. But there are other people in this world who don't think about that when they act as they do. Even I have slipped up sometimes.

   The reason I act or dress the way that I do is because even though I went through all this stuff, even though it still hurts like heck, I keep my childishness as much as I can. In my eyes, I can barely see it now. But it keeps up the illusion to other people.
   Well, sort of. To the others like me, or the ones I let in, they can see behind my mask. They can see the hurt, the things I don't want the world to.
   When they do, it's just a matter of waiting. Who will stay? Some only stay for the good days, like Carmen. They don't like the bad days, tend to act the harshest then. The ones who I feel matter more are the ones who stay, even after I get angry or cry. My best friends. Maybe some new as well.

   Those who accept me for who I am, flaws and all, are the ones who I'll fight for as much as I fight myself.
   I might act and look younger than I am, but that's where people underestimate me. :)

   Another song seems to be in order. I don't own the rights, all that blah blah. This one is just instrumental, the trailer music to Pan. I can't stop listening to it lately. It's just so powerful and beautiful. I hope you like it as much as I do.

-Kayla

Stay

   Hey, everyone.

   Days are long and sometimes hard. I still have times when a single thought can ruin my whole day. Or I think it does. Sometimes I can snap out of it. Those times are getting easier and easier to leave behind, but... I still cry when the lights go out now and then.
   The main reason I cry now is because I miss my friends so much. I mean, my new ones are great, fantastic. Some I know I'll grow very close to like I did my other ones.
   I just miss making memories. I miss being able to turn around and smile at a shared joke that no one knows but a few. They were, are, my family. Sometimes it's as if a part of me left with them.

   Maybe that's why I get so effected by the friendships that were ended so harshly. I put myself in friendships. Just when I start to open up, I get shut down.
   That's why I stayed a loner when I was younger. That's why I didn't talk to anyone, didn't try to make any really close friends. I got disappointed in the end anyway, so what was the point?
   Kicker is, I still don't want to care about how it effected me. I still care about everyone else. My friends, even someone who did the act of stabbing me in the back. I want to know why. What made them want to hurt me like that? Were they so hurt inside that they had to take it out on me? Was that all I was to them? Not really someone to share feelings or secrets with? Just an outlet?

  Over the years, I've admitted to myself that I have been deeply effected by these broken bonds. No one forgets broken trust easily, never. I'll never forget those words, never forget the feeling of having my insides torn out.

   I wanted to become a loner again. Before Carmen betrayed me, I wanted to lock myself up again. I wanted to hide away inside, not let anyone in too deep. I felt something wrong before it ever happened. I wanted to protect the people around me from what was inside. I was convinced that I would just hurt them. I felt like it was all my fault.
   But something intervened. Maybe it was because before then I'd started sharing secrets and even this one couldn't remain hidden for long. I don't know, but something made me tell Nora, Violet, and Abigail about my depression and social anxiety. True, it was all spread apart, but eventually, I trusted each to know. They were the first to know about this blog.
   They didn't let me sink back. In fact, they pulled me out. I started talking more, becoming more social. I've made friends that I can trust here, seeing the signs in them that I saw in my old friends. A few new friends I'm wary of, but that's maybe because I still see Carmen in people, too. I'm still trying to figure that out.

   Part of me is still scared to death. I've won several battles, but I don't know if I've won the war. But I can't afford to loose. There are others, others like me that I need to be there for. That's what's kept me here, I know it.
   I am here to help others like me. I'm here to bring hope for others when I know I had none.

   You can't give up. Someday someone is going to look you in the eye, shake your hand, and say "You're the reason I didn't give up."

   I want to be there for that day. What about you?

-Kayla

Heavy

   Hey everyone.

   Do you ever just have those days where you feel like a weight is on your shoulders? Where you walk around and even if you're fine, it's a good day, but it's just there in the back of your mind? I've had those days a few times recently.
   I've been getting a lot better. Really, it's great. I'm making new friends, getting past some of my fears, being myself without worrying about what anyone thinks.

   I had nearly went back again recently, though. I made a stupid mistake. It probably wouldn't make much sense to anyone why I'm so connected to a computer. But through my inattentiveness, it's now broken, probably without repair.
   Several things went through my head when it happened. "What do I do?" was the first. Next "How do I know how my relatives are doing?" Before "Jade."
   Funny thing is I didn't even think about my friends back home for a while. Not sure why, exactly, but they were one of the last things I thought of, even after Jade came in my mind. I still have yet to tell Jade's full story here, but it did involve my not paying attention before the events leading to her passing.

   That mistake was the ending of bad luck that had happened for the few days before then. I was retreating back into myself again. Something I'd swore to myself never to do again. True, it was more similar to this summer in depth, but after getting into a better state, I don't want to go back.
   I know it's not guaranteed to have a perfect record. Heck, it's not even expected that you should.

   All I want is just to know I've made headway. And I have. The pure fact that I'm more upbeat at the end of this week compared to the horrible start is something to be counted for.
   I go for the little victories. Those add up to winning the war. :)

   I'll be changing the song of the month soon. Check out the archive, anyone who has yet to. See what this blog is about.

-Kayla