So, in the last few posts, I've come out of the closet. Very vocally in the last one. But... the reason I haven't posted since is that I've been hiding one more thing. Meaning, any friends also reading this blog still? Don't say anything to anyone just in case they don't know. This is something I'm even more nervous about telling others. Like, I cried after telling Felix because I was terrified he'd hate me (he doesn't by the way, quite the opposite still).
Anyway... well...
[deep breath]
I'm non-binary.
There you go. There you have it.
Honestly, I've been conflicted for a few weeks about posting here about this or talking about it since being non-binary is a little bit more complicated for people to accept or understand than someone being gay or bi or ace or something else. Even though those are also still hard for people to get. Depends on who you talk to.
Either way, to answer some probably common questions:
No, I'm not trans. I'm not a guy now, but I'm also not all girl. I still go by she/her pronouns and my given name, although sometimes they/them does feel appealing to my ears. Non-binary just means I don't fit in either the female or male binary. I'm somewhere in between.
Basically, to sum it up by using an analogy I saw in a YouTube video by some queergender (another term used to describe non-binary, though less common because it can be a slur) folks (I think they're trans...? I'm sure about one but not the other), it's like a scale. Like this:
1 = female
5 = neutral
10 = male
Most days since I've realized, I'll put myself as a 4 or 5. Maybe even a 3. Then there are other days where I'm at a nice 2 or 6. I've been close to 7, but I've gotta say, I'm really not much higher on the scale in that direction? Granted, it has been only a few weeks since I've been ranking and it's not perfect.
If you're thinking, "well, you've never said anything before or shown that kind of feeling before, maybe you're just confused and following whatever the kids these days say on the internet or in college." Buddy, I have news for you.
I've always felt this way. Kinda similar to being bi, I squished it down even more so. I hid behind my skirts and feminine clothing because that's what I had to do. That was the social norm of where I was. You look down at what was between your legs or on your chest and there you go. Black and white. And honestly, some days it sucked. Because it was everywhere. Home, school, the store, anywhere. At least, that's what my brain thinks it remembers. I'll say right now, depression and anxiety combined with ADHD sometimes can really warp some thoughts. Not to invalidate anything, though. Feelings and experiences are still important and I'm the only one who can "decide" what I experienced/felt about something.
ANYWAY, since going to college, I've been able to wear whatever the heck I wanted. So I brought a lot of my clothing along from high school and life and everything. Want to know what I wore the most after that first semester? Hoodie and pjs. The most gender neutral I think any human being can be capable of. Granted some of my pjs visible would be bright pink, but even then I didn't care. It wasn't until I was more aware of what the word non-binary was that I realized that's why it felt sooo much better to me.
One example of how I know I'm non-binary is something I went through yesterday. It wasn't the first time, but it is the first time I did something about it.
Now, to start off, recently I had to buy a new swimsuit. I rarely wear one so I didn't care it was slightly too small until recently. When looking in the mirror and wearing it, I loved it. I look really good in it, which is how I felt in it and what other said afterward. I'd usually avoid wearing swimsuits because I didn't always feel that way. After what happened yesterday, things finally connected on why that was.
Yesterday I was feeling around a 6, nearing 7. I'd tucked my hair in a hat all day (it's quite long and I have no desire to cut it) and was wearing more gender neutral colors and clothing. It didn't bother me that my chest isn't flat, so that was fine. I just wanted to be a person. Then... later in the day, I had to put on a swimsuit. The plan was I was going to go swimming with some people, which I normally duck out on. But the previous night I was excited about it and couldn't wait to wear my swimsuit again. So I had it with me and went and changed.
Oh my gosh, it was like a living nightmare. Okay, maybe not that bad, but close. It was so uncomfortable with it on and then I looked in the mirror and the feeling got worse. Like, I almost threw up. Luckily, I'd picked out some shorts and a zip-up sweater to go over it to walk to the pool in. As soon as it was out of sight I could breathe again, but I could still feel it, obviously.
Long story short, I managed to not go swimming without outing myself from the closet and just sat by the pool after changing back. Luckily I've gained a longstanding reputation for not swimming so everyone has stopped trying to guilt me into it. But the whole time I was just thinking about that experience and remembering every other time I would dread doing something similar.
Today I probably wouldn't be as bad wearing it. I was at more a 4-5 again. But one thing that made me really happy about the past two days is that no one asked about my hat. The one comment I got about it was someone saying "I like your hat and how you've been making your hair 'short' and long." That was probably one of the best compliments I've ever gotten and she didn't even know. (Some of the others being Felix and his reactions to things I do. He fanboys a lot and it's very adorable. Have I said how much I love him yet?)
This post is long already, so I'm going to end here for now. But I'm going to talk more about this because I'm not what everyone else in this non-binary spectrum/umbrella is. So I'm just going to talk about it and if someone else is similar, hopefully, this helps. And anyone who's just curious how at least one person feels/experiences being non-binary. It'll probably help me a lot, too.
Goodnight for now, my friends. And I'll also add a song for you. I love this one and this version is a new cover I recently discovered. It's so great.
-Kayla
